It’s the first of December and it has finally stopped raining! Let’s hope that it stays that way. This morning the temperature was slightly below zero when I headed for work. It was cold and dark and all that, but it still felt better than a sky filled with clouds and rain, rain, rain! Instead I could see a beautiful moon. And I wasn’t half as tired as yesterday, as I had also slept rather well tonight. I really do have to do something about my bed though … and about the fact that I don’t do enough physical exercises, but spend way too much time on the couch, just cuddling with my sweetheart. Cuddling is very good for your soul, but I do think that most of us [need to be a bit more active than that. Last night we did not collapse on the sofa until nine, when CSI was on, as we had been doing laundry and been out hunting for a cute pink mini-pc (A. has made me really desire one of those!) and … well … I slept through most of the night, only waking slightly before the alarm went off, and my back wasn’t aching as much as it usually does …
And today the papers talk about some scientists who have concluded that exercise makes us smarter … so there is another reason for not being a couch potato! How come I still don’t feel like going to the gym? I’d much rather go home and play Super Mario Wii It is so much fun! I SHOULD try to go to the gym today, or at least do some training with Wii Active or something … but who knows? I am very good at not being good, after all :S But perhaps the best idea of all would be to go for a walk … as one should really enjoy the good weather while it lasts. God knows that we haven’t seen much of the sun lately!
I recently started following another blog, called “Farmorsbloggen” (≈Grandma’s blog), and apparently she posts questions twice a week … questions meant to make people contemplate their lives etc. I like the idea, even though I am not always sure that too much contemplation is good. I suppose that it depends on what kind of contemplation you get yourself into … I have a feeling that these questions are meant to induce positive thoughts, not negative ones … Anyway, the last question she posted was “What will you have achieved at this time next year?”, and she’d gotten a rather funny comment from a guy saying that he would be able to bake a certain cake without recipe I suppose that we all have different goals in life, huh? Personally, I suppose that I’d like to be happy. To love myself. To not think “I can’t do that” about most things. And of course I’d like to be training regularly, to be fluent in French (or at least better!), to have done some interesting travelling … And I hope that A. and I will have found some cozy place where we can live together “for real”. Not that I mind the way we live together now, but it’s less fun for him, as my apartment isn’t exactly his home. It’s kind of scary to think about moving in together, but … exciting too I don’t think it can be said enough; he makes me so happy! I suppose that there is one more thing I should try to achieve … being more tidy. I desperately wish that I could make myself put away stuff after I used it, hang clothes back into the wardrobe after I’ve worn them etc. but it seems impossible for me. Are we born with sense of order, or is it something that we acquire when we grow up, I wonder? I sometimes wonder if it isn’t controlled by some gene …a gene that I don’t have.
It feels like autumn has arrived for real now. The trees aren’t losing their leaves or anything yet, but the air has a touch of autumn just the same … Especially since it has been blowing A LOT the past week. Friday it looked like the flags outside work would fly away and I was worried about not getting home on my bike, but it worked out alright. Biking home might have been a bit more training than usual, but it actually didn’t take much longer than usual, which surprised me a bit. And when the sun is shining it doesn’t get as warm as during summer. The sun is warming, but more in the spring/autumn way … when it can get very warm in the sun, but as soon as you’re in the shadow it gets really cold.
A. and I did another Sunday picnic yesterday. This time we went to Gunnebo castle and walked in the surroundings there. We found a spot on the grass that was sunny whenever the clouds let the sun through, and we had sandwiches and muffins and snuggled on our blanket, under A.’s fleece shirt when the wind was too heavy and the sun absent. It was lovely, I tell you. And being close to A. makes me so happy … and his smile makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. I doubt there is anything as beautiful as his smile, and the light in his eyes. And I was so happy yesterday evening when he told me that I had gotten his heart already long ago, when I said that his was the only heart I wanted … My heart is his too, that’s for sure. And I dare believe that I made him very happy one morning last week, when I left a card and the cutest mug ever on the kitchen table for him to find when he got out of bed … At least he seemed very happy about it … and that made my heart very, very happy too! Like I said before, whenever he smiles, he makes my heart sing. And I wonder if anything beats waking up in the morning and be greeted by that smile and a hug? I hardly think so …
But if I should try to talk about something other than A. for a little while … I really, really must take up training again! My body is so stiff nowadays and my back aches so much when I wake up in the morning that I almost scream … and I think that training would help quite a lot … I wonder why it’s so hard to get around to training, when one knows how much good it does?! But A. and I talked about going training together … perhaps that would help? It’s always easier to get around to it when someone else is pushing too, right? I checked the local Sportlife site, and it seems that their group training schedule is still a bit boring, but at least they seemed to have quite a good prize offer at the moment … We’ll see if I get around to getting a new pass there.
I’m sure there were other things that I meant to write about – considering it’s been a week since my last entry – but right now I really can’t remember. I will, as always, try to update more often … but I won’t promise anything. If nothing else you could always blame the Facebook application Farmville, that has taken over my life as well as those of so many others lately. I never meant to get hooked, I just added it as a favor to my sister … but for some odd reason it is very, very addictive. I am trying my best to spend less time with it now though … wish me luck! It’s really a total waste of time, after all!!
Life is back in its usual tracks … I am so tired I could cry. Or almost. I could have, if I had been sad. But I am not. I am actually rather happy! But I’ve slept way too little since I got back from vacation (then I, on the other hand, slept rather a lot) and it’s taking its toll on me. It’s a good thing that I only work this week and then have another week off. Perhaps then I can get a few late mornings Not too late, though, as that would only make me feel like I am wasting the days away. Otherwise the summer, as always, contains way too many weeks when I start working 6:30 – that IS tiring. And today I got soaked by the rain… it started with a few drops that did not seem too bad, so I only put on my rain jacket and not my rain trousers … and then the sky just opened up and drenched me, and there was no time to put more clothes on, I was already wet to the bone. But right now the weather is rather nice ... The sky is cloudy, but the sun is showing its face also.
The mess of my apartment is currently driving me nuts! It's not really worse than usual, actually even less so, but ... I still have trouble finding things that I am looking for and it is so annoying! But it's too big a project to fix it all at once, so I hope that I will be able to do it if I start little by little. I've tidied the wardrobe a bit - there is still a lot of mess, but at least one can now step halfway into it - and also the desk a little bit ... and the kitchen a bit. That is, I guess, one of my problems - I do just a little in every place, instead of doing it all the way in one place at the time. I wish I was a more neat person ... I think that would simplify life a bit. I wouldn't want to be pedantic or anything, just a little bit less messy, if you know what I mean? I wish that it did not seem impossible to me to put things back where I got them, and stuff like that.
But I am still proud of myself today. In spite of my fatigue, I did a session of training with the Wii Active when I got home, and then I made myself dinner. Definitely nothing fancy (macaroni and meatballs that certainly weren't made from scratch), but still! They say that eating is good, and I know that it is ... even though I sometimes lose my appetite, I know that I feel better if I get some food into my system ... It's hard those days when I lose appetite so completely that I can't even force down food though ... but luckily that doesn't happen too often at the moment. Anyway, I hope that I can build some kind of routine when it comes to the training, as my body definitely needs it. The last nights my back has been so stiff and sore that I've been wanting to scream whenever I shift position in bed ... that is NOT fun
Yesterday we visited Allsång at Liseberg for the first time this summer, and it was nice. Well, the weather could have been better, but at least it did not rain all the time. And the rain did have its advantages ... like A. looking adorable when he borrowed my very pink rain jacket We - A., Sofus, JoJo, Mu and me - started out having pasta at Restaurang Söder before entering the amusement park and join the rather big bunch of people there for singing in the rain. We did feel that the whole thing had lost a bit of spirit this year, with it being broadcasted on TV and all, but it was still fun. The theme was "poodle hair and shoulder pads" and we got to sing some really nice 80's schlagers and stuff, listening to Lotta and her guests Charlotte Perelli, Sarah Dawn Finer and Agnes. And I was so happy to be there, with both my lovely friends and my sweetheart We walked around the park a bit before going home too ... and then it started raining heavily again as A. and I were going to his car ... and it kept raining ... but we didn't really mind that much, finally. Snuggling in a car with the rain hitting the roof is rather cosy, after all And gosh! I've said it before, and I'll say it again ... he makes me so happy that it's scary. I wish that I could put it into words. I wish that I could write him the most beautiful love poem ever ... Why, oh why, can I only write poems when I am sad? Why is it so much easier to put words to feelings of sadness, of heartache, of misery than to those of happiness, closeness and companionship? I wish I could tell him what a positive force he is in my life and just how much I adore him and how he constantly seems to put smiles on my face, even when he's not around ... Isn't that just another weird thing? How we tend to tell everyone else about how that special person makes us feel, rather than to tell him/her? It's kind of sad ... and I truly hope that I will get there, to the point where I find the courage and the words to tell him ... tell him more than the trivial things, that he's pretty and cuddly and adorable, you know?
(And I wish that I could lose those fears that still linger inside of me ... for which I also have a hard time finding words ... they are so deeply rooted somehow that they seem impossible to define *sigh*)
I’ve been neglecting my blog lately, haven’t I? I guess that life just got in the way … and that is not a good bad thing. Also, I feel more need to write when I am feeling down, and that is surely not what I am right now! Sometimes I just feel like flying! And sometimes I just expect to wake up and find that it’s all just a dream. It’s so different from anything I’ve ever experienced before! I feel so relaxed with him … I mean, I feel the butterflies (but the nice, normal kind, that most people get and not the flesh-eating *)ones that I am used to) and the excitement and the longing and all those feelings that make one dizzy … but I don’t feel edgy, I don’t feel jumpy, scared or broken … When cuddling with him yesterday (way too late for someone who has to get up as early in the morning as I do, but who cares?) I found my body relaxed in a way that I can’t remember when I last felt, since I am used to feeling tense and stiff … and I slept better tonight than I remember doing in a long, long time. It’s almost scary just how much he seems to be “balm for my soul” as they say. He makes me smile over and over again with his sweet SMS & facebook messages … not to mention how I seem to constantly have a smile or a giggle on my lips when he’s around … It’s amazing!
(Like I said, it’s hard not to fear waking up, finding it all a beautiful dream)
But A. is not the only reason I’ve been busy, even though he has the biggest part in it. On Friday Sofus, Mu and I hung out at my place. We cooked dinner, played with the Wii, watched “Scent of a woman” … It was nice to hang out with them … it felt almost like old times! When Sofus and I walked Mu to the bus that night the air outside felt so weird … it was sort of cold, and the air had a scent of winter … and yet there was the scent of flowers … Made one feel almost dizzy! On Sunday Sofus, JoJo & I went to Västra Frölunda to visit Sofus’ old classmate Lisa for a cross-stitch party. Despite the fact that I was so tired I could have fallen asleep on the spot & that I noticed a mistake in my project, it was still a very nice afternoon
As you probably have guessed, I spent Saturday with A. We went for a coffee and a nice walk in the sun at Nääs castle, then we had a lovely dinner at Cyrano and later we went back to my place and chilled (haha, yes, let’s call it that) for the rest of the evening … Aww! He’s just the most cuddly thing ever! And I am definitely addicted to his mouth Enough said!
… fitting enough WMP just decided to play me Depeche Mode’s “I feel loved” … A nice feeling!
And yeah! I got a new training game for the Wii last week when I went shopping with Sofus and Gav. It’s called Active, and I tried it out for the first time yesterday + did another session today. I am loving it! It makes one sweat in a way the Wii Fit doesn’t, and I like that. I need some pulse training! But I have the worst ache in my leg muscles since yesterday’s session! I hope that I will keep up working with it, ‘cause I really feel the need to get fitter! At least the bubbles that A. causes me to feel inside seem to have decreased my taste for sweets and cakes … which is good! I’ve been having way too much of those lately! Like I told him today, he really seems to be good for me! (And he said that he thought that I was just as good for him *happy*)
It’s Saturday night … I am at home … alone … with a nasty cold. I feel sorry for myself …and then I feel bad about that, since my life isn’t that bad. But honestly, don’t most people feel sorry for themselves when they have a cold? Colds are nasty. They make you sick, but somehow not sick enough to feel okay about doing nothing all day. Know what I mean? I don’t have a fever, so I am not knocked out, but my throat hurts, my nose is running and my head keeps aching no matter if I take pills or not. I’m thinking that perhaps I am not eating and drinking enough, but at the same time I have no appetite for it. I never was any good at eating without feeling like it. But still it feels like I’ve been eating constantly today … a cookie here, a piece of candy there, a sandwich, another cookie … nothing very healthy. I’ve tried to drink a lot of tea. THAT is supposed to be good for you, right?
I feel so lonely. Partly because of all the usual reasons, and partly because my sweet sister has gone on vacation without me. I know, I depend on her company way too much, she’s the only thing between me and insanity sometimes, I think. I love her to bits! Hopefully she and Hanna are having a great time in Santorini! And hopefully she hasn’t caught any trace of the cold that bugs me. But well, her being away adds to my feeling of abandonment, I can’t help it …
And I claim this cold to be the proof of what I’ve always said: running is no good for you! Wednesday was the day of this year’s edition of Vårruset in Göteborg. It’s a 5 km (well, to be exact the Gbg trail is actually 4,6, I don’t know about other cities) run for women … Like last year, we were some girls from work getting together with the rest of the circa 17000 women running. Not all people run, of course, and I never really meant to do so either, as I’ve not been training for running at all … but in the end we ended up running quite a lot, Sofus and I … I am pretty proud of how well I actually did, and how much I actually ran, but … I am still not sure it was healthy. I know that they say you don’t catch colds from getting cold and stuff like that, but I am sure that getting all sweaty and tired and then having a picnic and getting cold wasn’t a great idea … especially not when being exhausted from running. Not to mention how my legs have been aching since! I was a bit afraid for a while that it was more than just the ache coming from using muscles that aren’t used to being used … but since most of the ache is gone now, I guess I can relax. Perhaps if I started with shorter distances I could even learn to run? It would be a good way of training, since one can do it anywhere, anytime … But first, of course, I must get rid of this cold. Argh! I who was getting pretty good at doing Wii fit exercises every day … now I am just lazing around instead.
Today I’ve … err … read, slept, surfed the net, written part of a letter, watched “The Da Vinci code” and the first episode of “Bleak house” … and that’s about it. To get out of the house at least a bit I walked to the nearest grocery store, but as usually they did not have the only thing that I actually needed … that happens a lot with this store. It’s a Netto, and they tend to have the weirdest things and lack the more common groceries that you actually need. I once found trumpet oil (no, I did not get any!) there, but today they did not have toilet paper. See what I mean? The weather was sort of nice most of the day, so it felt a bit bad to be indoors … but I really didn’t have the strength to do anything. Did I mention that I hate colds?
Do you use the word “hate” much? I don’t, but some people truly use it excessively, and I wonder if they realize just how strong that word really is. Yesterday, my workmates were discussing the latest episode of “Expedition Robinson” (the Swedish version of “Survivor”) and one of my colleagues was very aggressive about one of the participants, saying that she hates him. And she said it with passion too. How can you hate someone that you’ve never met? Who’ve done nothing to you, or nothing truly evil in general, but who’ve only acted in a way that you find annoying on a TV-show? I don’t get it. I mean, sure, say then “that guy gives me the creeps” or whatever … but hate? I may have used that word a time or two in my early adolescent years, when emotions tend to be too strong in many ways, but never since … and I don’t think that I’ve ever really hated anybody … As I think that I’ve stated here before, hatred is a feeling that I seem to save for myself and my worst moments of self-loathing. That is sad in itself, of course … but I can’t help but to find it depressing that people so easily throw this word around about other people. (This said, I wasn’t really surprised to hear this statement from said workmate … As things have been lately I would’ve been more surprised if she had said she liked someone or something *sigh*)
I woke up from a really depressing dream this morning, and started the day in not the best mood. Now, I don’t know what my mood is. I think that I am too tired to have one. I wish that I slept better. I think that at this point my fatigue isn’t so much due to lack of sleep (even though I could probably sleep more) but rather to the low quality of the sleep that I get. I did, however, nap on the couch when I got home from work … it felt good at the point when I just closed my eyes and slipped away … but it felt less good when I woke up. When I nap n the afternoon I just end up feeling like a zombie for the rest of the evening.
I am in a reading frenzy right now, and you’re very likely to find me with a book in my hand these days. I haven’t even spent anywhere near as much time online as I usually do! Amazing! I try to use the wii fit every day too, even though I might not always live up to that. And some days I am more motivated than others. Yesterday I did a rather hard workout, with mostly aerobic and muscle exercises, whereas today I did mostly yoga and balance. After a nap, even that is impressive I really should kick my ass and go outdoors for walks instead, though, or perhaps even try some jogging. I bought new running shoes again. It’s hard to find a pair that really feel good … I hope I got the right ones this time. But I don’t think I will get in running shape for Vårruset now, as it is next week!
Ah well, I should do the dishes before “NCIS” starts …
Phew! I just spent 32 tough minutes with my Wii fit. Since I had gained weight instead of lost any since my last body test (I don’t do them every day like the Wii suggests) I figured I had to work a bit harder … so today I did almost only Aerobic and Muscle exercises, and not so many Balance and Yoga ones. I realize however that the difference in weight is more likely to be due to the fact that the other times I’ve done the test before dinner time and this time I did it only a couple of hours after having a rather sturdy BBQ meal, but still … it’s sort of depressing to see the numbers go the wrong way. And NO, I don’t think that I am fat … I KNOW that it’s no biggy that I’ve gained a few kilos … but still. I don’t feel fit at the moment, and that bothers me. And I know that I need the exercise to prevent my body to get too damaged by my job … I should kick my ass to do other things than just Wii fit, of course, but it’s better than nothing. I wonder, however, if it’s really advisable for people who’ve never done any kind of yoga at all before to do it just following the Wii’s instruction. Sure, for some of the easier exercises there’s probably no risk of injury, but for the more complicated ones, I am sure that a skilled yoga trainer would advise you to learn from a real person, who can keep their eyes on you so that you don’t hurt yourself. After all, most people can’t do the exercises fully the first time, and perhaps never. Anyway …
I am listening to a very long song by Depeche Mode that I got as a free download from Cdon since I ordered the new DM album from them. It’s almost eight and a half minutes long, and rather good. I haven’t really made myself a real impression of the new album yet, though. I don’t think that it will end up one of my favourites (although one can never know) but it’s okay. So far I do like the single “Wrong” best, even though I wasn’t so sure if it was good or not the first time I heard it. It kind of grew on me, as I think I’ve mentioned here before. I guess that sometimes we all just feel a bit wrong …
It’s incredibly nice that it’s Friday! I hope that this weekend I will be able to catch up on some sleep, and not wake up around six or seven like I did last weekend. I really, really need to relax and find some new energy! It’s been a rather busy week, by Anna standards. Tuesday was the last day of French class, and we had some wine and cheese and hung out more than studied. It was nice, so don’t ask me why I was so hesitant to go beforehand. Perhaps because I am not as socially skilled as I wish to be. Wednesday we had a meeting at work and then my parents visited (and installed a lamp above my kitchen sink, yay!) and then I believe I fell asleep watching some true crime show on TV (which annoyed me anyway as we were not told who was the killer …) and yesterday was inventory at work. We actually didn’t have to stay that late, we left at 18:00, but it still felt like the whole evening was gone somehow … and I fell asleep on the couch while reading. That’s not ideal at that time of day, if it ever is. I woke up, watched “Criminal Minds” and then I went to bed … but of course I was not able to fall asleep, but rather just tossed and turned, thinking about things that annoyed me and made it even harder to sleep. Argh! So this morning I felt like a total wreck, for sure.
Tonight Sofus and I have BBQed on my balcony. Getting that electrical BBQ from I&R was really a great thing! As it seems, I might just end up BBQing three times this weekend, as the plan is to do so with JoJo tomorrow and with Mu on Sunday. Who knows how long the nice weather will stay, right? This week it has been rather cold, even though the sun has been up most days. As long as you stay in the sun and out of the wind it’s nice, but the wind has been very, very chilly some days, and the mornings have been cold, with temperatures close to 0. It’s kind of confusing with cold like that when you see blossoming cherry trees and tulips and other niceties everywhere … But the trees are going green now. It’s such a lovely time of year!
I picked up a package with six new books today … like I needed new books! I already have a pile of them that I haven’t read yet … But well, at least I have been reading a bit more lately, so I feel less bad about buying new books than I’ve done in the past months when I hardly read anything at all. If anyone is curious, these are the books I added to my collection today:
Map of Bones - James Rollins
The Black Sun - James Twining
I djävulens spår - Jean-Christophe Grangé (Swedish translation of “Le Serment des Limbes”)
Den brinnande flickan - Mark Billingham (Swedish translation of “The Burning girl”)
Sömntuta - Mark Billingham (Swedish translation of “Sleepyhead”)
Begravd - Mark Billingham (Swedish translation of “Buried”)
Perhaps I should go to bed with my current book (Den tredje hemligheten/The Third Secret by Steve Berry) instead of wasting time on the net?
Argh! I just want to cry right now. When Sofus and I went through our digital photos this weekend we noticed that my photos from the Hebrides were not on the disk, so Sofus told me to go home and make sure to copy them to a disc. I meant to do that today, but I can’t find them. They are nowhere to be found on my computer either, and I can’t believe it! How can the only pictures that I don’t have back-ups for be gone? I know that there were a lot of photo folders in the trashcan when I emptied it last week, but I did not think so much about that, as I sometimes delete folders when there is nothing interesting in them, and I was sure I had all the pictures where they are supposed to be, both in my computer and on disc. But they are gone! And this really makes me want to cry! Sure, I have some of them uploaded to Facebook (thank God for that, at least), but I don’t exactly think they will be the same quality if I download them back from there … and I did not put ALL of the photos there. I just don’t understand how this happened! Could I have put the files in the trashcan instead of on the list of files to burn when I did that disc? Somehow I don’t see how that would have happened … Aaaah! I really need someone like McGee or Abby now! On TV they can always retrieve files from computers, even though they’ve been deleted … Anyone out there who has that kind of skills? I sure don’t … *sigh* I really, really don’t understand how this could happen! *breaking down*
I was going to write about something else … but now I really don’t remember what that was Mr. Quiet? Perhaps … but there is no more to say than what I’ve already said, too many times. He’s sexy. We exchanged nine words or so today, as I handed him some picking lists at work. Very exiting - not. We exchanged “good morning” yesterday. Even less exciting. My current obsession about him (since I see him at the moment) is “Damn, I wish that I could make him smile” … but I don’t think there is any use in dreaming about that.
It’s cold. We’ve had temperatures around -5, -8 the last days … hard to believe it felt like spring this weekend. But the weather has been lovely, most of the time. They say that we’ll get snow during the night though. I hope that they are wrong. I don’t want snow! And this morning M asked Katta and me if any of us wanted to warm his cold hands. That guy is … just weird :S (But I wouldn’t mind to warm Mr. Quiet’s hands, should he ask *blink*)
***
Yay! I found the pictures! At first I searched the computer for file names including “Hebrides”, as I often tend to give my files names in English, but apparently this time I had felt Swedish, so when I searched it for “Hebriderna” instead, I found the files. They were in a different place than all of my other pictures … I thought about this for a while, and realized that it was because I used my dad’s digital camera during that trip, since my camera only gave me the “battery low” message whenever I tried to use it. I am so relieved! I had 272 pictures, and I am very, very glad that they are not gone!
I saw the naprapath today, and now my back feels all sore … but hopefully he did some good to the stiffness I’ve been feeling lately, and the pain in my right shoulder. He nagged me about the fact that I’ve not been training, just as I expected him too. I really, really should start training again … but I don’t know what I want to do. The classes at Sportlife are mostly on bad times, and I don’t feel comfortable in the gym. I wish that I enjoyed jogging, as that is such a perfect exercise. You can do it anytime, anywhere … but I really don’t. I hate jogging! It can help temporarily against emotional pain though … as it is so painful and makes me feel sick, so that for a while I forget to hurt inside, as my entire body is so uncomfortable I don’t think that I hurt enough inside at the moment to go there, though. Especially since it’s so damn cold. But I MUST do some training. I MUST!
[photos: Stornoway (c) Anna 2008, birthday card for my aunt (c)Anna 2009]
Remember my quest against sugar? I pretty much let it go, as I wasn’t doing well anyway … and I am still occasionally eating cookies (we currently have a box of delicious chocolate cookies at the office) but I don’t feel an urge for it. Every cloud has a silver lining, eh? The cloud being, of course, my lack of appetite in general. Considering my difficulties to find inspiration for making proper food even when I do have appetite, lack of it doesn’t exactly work well for me. I did have salmon and rice for lunch, but I’ve cheated with dinner again, having sandwiches. I who don’t even like sandwiches much … It’s kind of weird how one can deprive oneself of food without much other effect than loss of energy at some times, when at other times the delay of food for only a few hours can make one shaky and moody. I guess that it depends a bit on physical activity too, though.
I’ve not had much of that lately. With my bike incapacitated, I don’t even get my daily bike trip, but only the walk to and from the bus. Or a panicky run for the bus on occasion … I had plans to walk home today - actually I had plans to walk to work too, but I did not feel like getting up early enough for that - because the weather was rather lovely around lunchtime … But when the clock struck four and I was heading home it was raining, of course. So I ended up just walking to the bus … and that’s the extent of my physical activities. Hopefully Camilla will be able to drag me to training Wednesday … She said she could drive me home afterwards, when I argued that it’s a bit tricky for me to get there without the back. We’ll see. And I really should do something about the bike too, of course …
As far as work is concerned it was a pretty good day. We had a bit more to do than we’ve had lately, which is nice … even though it can be very frustrating when you try to have a conversation with a workmate and the phones keep cutting in. We’re queens of picking up conversations after interruption, I tell you! And chatting with Katta is always good … she usually has valuable insights on things, and concrete suggestions … and she’s just cool. She’s the kind of person that people open up to, you know? Even people who don’t easily open up to other people. It’s fascinating. And sometimes a bit of a curse for her, I guess. It can be rather tiring to be everybody’s favourite hobby shrink … Anyway, you know how some days every single person you get on the phone seem to be in a bad mood and just out to piss you off or yell at you? Today was the opposite kind of day. Pretty much everyone I spoke to today seemed to be kind and in good spirits. Yay to that!
As for my spirits, God knows what to say about them … I sometimes wonder if they exist at all. But well, I think they’re somewhere in between … I feel very distant and troubled, yet I manage to smile and be nice without feeling like a big fake … if you know what I mean? With a little help from my friends I’ve decided that I will write to I. I have to, or I will go crazy wondering what might’ve been had I not been such a fool. I keep procrastinating though, as the mere thought of it makes me so nervous that my stomach hurts … I’ve promised myself to do it before I go to bed … The we’ll just have to wait and see. Maybe he won’t reply, maybe he will and it still won’t work out, maybe … At least I’ve done something and not bailed out because I was too much of a coward … I’ve been acting like a coward throughout most of my life, and I really should try to change that, ‘cause it makes me feel lousy. Not that I seriously believe that it will change here and now, but … It IS easy to be chicken … even though it hurts so much that you want to scream … somewhere inside there is still that little voice saying that it’s easier to not fight, to just let things be the way they are … to do nothing … There is some kind of safety in the misery that we already know, so to say. Pathetic way of thinking? Yes, probably …
“… det är lätt att hålla käften och svårare att säga som det är …”
So, it's that hated day again. I am trying my best to not let it get to me. It's really not that bad this year, but still ... You get reminded everywhere, and it's annoying. Dennis said he even got Valentine's day advertising to his cell phone. You can't escape it anywhere, unless you lock yourself up in a cave somewhere with no phone, no Internet, no TV, no ... well, you get the picture! As a single person you end up feeling like the entire world is out to harass you these days. And it's not needed ... most of us are rather good at depressing ourselves, obsessing about being lonely. It's very easy to let it evolve into one of the mortal sins - envy. I was out for a walk in the lovely, crisp, sunny weather earlier ... and felt my insides twinge with just that, envy, at the sight of couples and families having breakfast together in the various houses I passed, or the couple being out walking with their baby ... That had, of course, nothing to do with today being Valentine's day ... I would've felt the same way on some other morning, if I was out walking alone, when I'd much rather be walking by someone's side.
But then again, when it comes to guys I am just too mixed up right now. So, I am seeing (err, don't know if that's the right way to put it, we've just met two times, after all) one guy, fantasizing about another and dreaming (occasionally) of a third one at night. What does it say about me? That I am not ready to commit? Nah, I'd guess that it's more a matter of not having found The One. If I ever do, he will hopefully fill all three positions, right? I was fluffing around on Facebook earlier, and found this quote somewhere: "Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired" (Oscar Wild) Somehow it rings very true. But the irresistible desire must still be mutual ...
So, let's just talk about something else, shall we? Camilla and I did go to the Afro Power Dance class on Wednesday, and it was fun. As we did the whole class barefoot, my feet hurt a bit afterwards though. I am certain it would have felt better to have done it on the African soil, as the instructor told us to pretend that we were It felt really good to finally be training again! Now, let's hope that I can keep it up, and find at least one more class that I like and that fits my schedule.
On Thursday we - Sofus, Gav and me - went to the cinema to see "Bolt". We saw the 3D-version, which was a bit tiring for the eyes, but really cool ... and the movie was both cute and funny. And sad, apparently, since my dear sister cried at least one time - of course. Well, okay, perhaps it was a bit sad at least once, but ... with that kind of movie you can be SURE that it all will end well, right? Speaking of movies, yesterday I decided to improve my French a bit by watching "Un long diamanche de fiancailles" that was shown on TV. I don't think it actually improved my French - I had a hard time making out words - but still ... It was a pretty good movie.
And I guess that now I should try to put something in my tummy, as I've not really eaten much today ... And then get ready to leave the house. We're watching Melodifestivalen at Mu's today. I really hope that it will be better than last week! Anyway, happy Valentine's to all of you out there ... if you celebrate it. And hope that you can forget about it if it makes you depressed!
sweetheart. Cuddling is very good for your soul, but I do think that most of us [need to be a bit more active than that. Last night we did not collapse on the sofa until nine, when CSI was on, as we had been doing laundry and been out hunting for a cute pink mini-pc (A. has made me really desire one of those!) and … well … I slept through most of the night, only waking slightly before the alarm went off, and my back wasn’t aching as much as it usually does …
It is so much fun! I SHOULD try to go to the gym today, or at least do some training with Wii Active or something … but who knows? I am very good at not being good, after all :S But perhaps the best idea of all would be to go for a walk … as one should really enjoy the good weather while it lasts. God knows that we haven’t seen much of the sun lately!
I suppose that we all have different goals in life, huh? Personally, I suppose that I’d like to be happy. To love myself. To not think “I can’t do that” about most things. And of course I’d like to be training regularly, to be fluent in French (or at least better!), to have done some interesting travelling … And I hope that A. and I will have found some cozy place where we can live together “for real”. Not that I mind the way we live together now, but it’s less fun for him, as my apartment isn’t exactly his home. It’s kind of scary to think about moving in together, but … exciting too 
I hope that I will keep up working with it, ‘cause I really feel the need to get fitter! At least the bubbles that A. causes me to feel inside seem to have decreased my taste for sweets and cakes … which is good! I’ve been having way too much of those lately! Like I told him today, he really seems to be good for me! 
WIDGETIZE