I wonder why TV refuses to show my favourite shows these days. I had been looking forward to sitting down on the couch to watch “Navy CIS” and had told myself firmly that today the little pink computer was forbidden, as it just makes me loose track of what’s going on in the show I am watching, and “NCIS” is way too cool for that. But … do you think that they showed “NCIS”? No! Instead there was the stupid show with Swedish Hollywood wives again. And yes, folks, I am well aware that there is war and starvation and all that in the world, and that a cancelled TV-show isn’t really a problem, but … I am still upset. I had looked forward to spending a little time in the company of Abby, Gibbs, McGee and the others, trying to forget that sweetheart isn’t here …
Speaking of which … I have a really lovely picture of him on my desk top right now (on the old computer … apparently one can’t put a desktop picture on the small one *sigh*), to at least be able to see him every once in a while (I admit to looking at his very pretty Facebook profile photo every now and then too *blush*). I am pretty sure that he wouldn’t like my choice of picture, but what he doesn’t know won’t kill him, right? It’s of him making a funny face, and it reminds me of how he always makes me smile I have a framed picture of the two of us by the bed too … I got it from him the day before Christmas as an early present … But I can’t wait until tomorrow when he’ll be here and I’ll see him live again … when I’ll be able to hug him tight, cover him in kisses and tell him how beautiful he is.
I cried myself to sleep again last night. Or … that’s not true. I went to bed, I worked some on a Japanese picture puzzle (they’re perfect for when you want to keep your mind off of everything else), I laid on my yantra mat for a while … then I tried to sleep. And then I started thinking too much, thoughts just spinning ‘round and ‘round in my head … of how he probably had a much better time without me there and how his friends were probably just happy that he did not drag his quiet and boring girlfriend along and … then I cried so hard I could not breathe, and of course I wasn’t able to fall asleep at all after that, but just laid in bed, twitching and turning and feeling miserable. God, I am truly pathetic!
In any case I managed to fall asleep in the end, and was awakened from a really weird dream by an SMS in which he told me that he missed me, that he longed to hug me and cuddle with me, and that he loved me. Gosh how I wished in that instant that I had wings so that I could have flown to him! No need to tell you that it made my morning a lot better than my night had been, right? And now I will just have to go to bed and wake up without him one more time, then he’ll be home … and hopefully it’ll be a while until I have to sleep without him again! I truly miss him so much it hurts, but let’s hope that I can keep from crying tonight … Gav said something about A. being like medicine for my soul, and that is so true. And this girl definitely don’t do too well when she goes off medication
I went shopping at Backaplan with JoJo today, and apparently that was a good choice for shopping grounds, as JoJo said the city centre looked over-crowded when she passed it on the tram, but the stores that we went to weren’t crowded at all. Not that there were anything really interesting on the sales anyway … I managed to find a dress to wear for New Year’s, though not on sale. I think my sister will be pleased with it, as it doesn’t show very much cleavage and isn’t too short All in all we spent more than four hours shopping, but still didn’t come home with much. Well, I think JoJo managed to find a little more stuff than me, like new shoes, a coat, a cover for her new I-phone etc. We also bought some wine for New Year … Neither of us know much about wine, but we hope that we didn’t do too bad After all, people won’t have to drink it if they don’t like it! And since we’re talking about things that one can drink I just have to, a bit out of the blue, recommend you to taste polka tea! I got some at Liseberg before Christmas, from the Gränna polkagris store … and I just love it!
I’m so tired! And it feels like I am coming down with a cold! That can’t be … I must find my way out of it somehow (I’ve been suggested vitamins, whiskey with honey, vodka and God knows what) ‘cause I really can’t get sick right now! And I am already so sick of the darkness that comes with this time of year … it’s pitch black when I go to work in the mornings now (I start work at 6:30 this week) and it is so depressing. Especially when it’s wet and windy like this morning. Right now I feel that all that keeps me up is the thought of vacation … Both A. and I seem to focus on that a lot right now … This morning I told him “one week from now we will wake up in Paris”, which made him smile … and he said that will be his birthday and that he wants a muffin with a candle in the morning. I wonder if I can fix that. I will do my best He did NOT want 30 candles though
This said, I asked my colleague if it would be okay for me to come in a bit later tomorrow, and she said yes. Yay! I did not feel tempted by the idea of getting up around five, then work all day and do conference stuff/party all evening. I haven’t decided yet how much time I will take off tomorrow, but my colleague said it would be okay either way. Maybe I will sleep long enough for A. to get up, so he could drive me to work? He asked me if I wanted him to do that yesterday, but did not look so tempted when I said I still meant to be at work at 7:30 … but perhaps if I go a bit later It doesn’t make that much difference at work, I think, and I really feel in need of some sleep and a good snuggle. The idea of sleeping without my sweetie for two nights now is a bit scary! Like I’ve said before – it’s uncanny how fast one can grow accustomed and addicted to something/someone.
Speaking of addictions … yesterday I watched an episode of “Buffy the vampire slayer”. I think it must have been about four months since I last watched her. I guess that addiction was just a reaction to not having any more interesting addiction (read “crush”)in my life … Can’t say I felt as into it all now, but it was still entertaining. Otherwise, yesterday was the first day of the new semester at French, and I’d say it went well … The new teacher (Martine) seems nice, the people more motivated than my last group and … I don’t think I’ll fail entirely when it comes to catching up. We were a mix of people who were new to this particular group and who’d been there for a while, so it was okay. I was not the only new one! And I like the fact that these people seemed a bit more ambitious than some of the people in my own group who after two semesters still couldn’t recall the present tense forms of être and avoir. For practice I watched a French film the other night, as I was waiting for A. to come home from his parents’ place. I wonder why all French films seem to be depressing … This was a thriller called “Le serpent” and I’d say it was rather good, but … like I said, sort of depressing. Everything just turned from bad to worse all the time. The ending did have a touch of Hollywood though. Can’t say I caught much of the spoken French though … they speak so fast and bind the words together so much that it’s almost impossible to recognize even a single word. I wonder if I will ever be able to understand spoken French *sigh*
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I've packed my bag now. At least I hope that I've packed what I need. It's so hard! And I want to bring a small bag, so it's hard to fit everything ... especially shoes. A. says he plans to travel only with cabin luggage when we go to Paris ... I don't think that I can do that. After all, one can't bring all the necessities in the make-up kit in your handbag anymore, due to the safety regulations ... I've really stressed at lot since I got home, making dinner (roast beef and a kind of potato salad - it turned out yummy!), taking a bath, trying to figure out what to pack etc. Now I just want to collapse in the sofa with my sweetheart and cuddle ... So I think that I will go for that!
Oh my God! I seriously wonder if the music of Marie Fredriksson shouldn’t come with a warning sign of some kind … It is truly too depressing! Especially the songs from her ”Den ständiga resan” album. Actually it’s the title song from that album that WMP found it fit to play me … and for some reason that particular song makes me want to break down and cry … but I will NOT do that! Especially since WMP already moved on to another song …
I’m otherwise not particularly sad, just tired. And still feeling somewhat peculiar in a way that I can’t describe … It’s not a feeling that I like, though. That feeling that I can’t put my finger on, that is. It seems to be a lurking one … God only knows what it might turn into. I am so not ready to fall into any abyss of dark thoughts and feelings at this point. I suppose that one never is, but … I’m just saying that I don’t want to go back there. I fear being thrown back into the feelings I had a year or two back. And it’s hard to ignore that fear.
I was listening to a song by Melanie C. earlier and these lyrics got caught in my head: ”… so I found the reason to let it go Tell you that I’m smilin', but I still need to grow Will I find salvation in the arms of love? Will it stop me searching? Will it be enough? I don't want your sympathy Sometimes I don't know who to be Hey, what you're looking' for? No one has the answer, do you just want more Hey who's gonna make it back? This could be the first day of my life The first time to really feel alive The first time to break the chain The first time to walk away from pain…” They spoke to me … you know, the hope to find salvation in love, the fear that it won’t be enough, the feeling of not knowing who to be … Life isn’t easy. Or do we just make it too complicated?
Anyway. Except for 45 minutes on the Wii fit, I’ve been rather lazy tonight. I think that I deserved it, after doing overtime Monday and going to the movies yesterday. Going to the movies is fun too, of course, but I really had to make an effort to drag myself out of the house yesterday, being as tired as I was … Tuesdays are usually the days in which I am the most tired throughout the week, don’t know why. I was mighty tired today too … but at least I haven’t napped! I ate a bit, and watched ”NCIS”, then cross-stitched while watching ”War & Peace” (both shows recorded yesterday). It’s hard not to be both amused and annoyed at those old-fashioned love-stories, like the one in ”War & Peace” … where people fall in love at first sight, knowing that they’ve found the person that they will love for life … and then, of course, life throws all kinds of obstacles in their way … even making them marry other people, for money or for convenience of some kind … but still they will always love that special person … and it’s almost always mutual … and if it isn’t mutual, somehow it still seems beautiful and poetic, whereas in real life it would be considered rather pathetic … But well, sigh, it’s always easy to love a dream, is it not?
As for the movie we saw yesterday, ”Coraline”, I’d say that its message was that we should appreciate what we have, and don’t believe that what looks perfect really is, if we take a look beneath the surface. And perhaps also that what we think we want isn’t always what we truly desire or need, in the end … I have a hard time making up my mind about what to say of the movie … it was enjoyable, and had some really good moments, but perhaps a bit too weird for my taste.
Hm, I wonder if I should try to go to bed early tonight? But it’s still light outside, of course …
Obviously I was way too effective on Monday, ‘cause after that I had not energy left. That could, of course, have been due to lack of sleep. On Monday evening I got caught in another sudoku (one really shouldn’t do them in bed!) and yesterday I started watching the BBC series “War & Peace” at nine, thinking that it would be an episode of an hour and I would be able to go to bed at a decent hour … I was wrong. The episode was nearly two hours long and I didn’t get to bed until after eleven … BAD! When the alarm goes off around five in the morning, it’s not ideal to fall asleep that late. I napped yesterday when I got home, and then that evening was a total waste … I did spend 30 minutes with the Wii fit, but that’s all … I almost fell asleep after work today too, as I relaxed a bit with a book on the couch. My eyelids kept falling down so I had to get up, as I did not have time to sleep then … but I’ve slept when I returned home later. So bad! That meant that I did not make dinner, and that will just make me more tired, right? I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it again - I am so sick of being tired!!
In spite of it being a half day at work it went surprisingly smooth. No trouble with the printers or the computer system … actually no real trouble at all. Yay to that! It wasn’t even as busy and stressful as Monday and Tuesday, we could work at a more normal pace For a while yesterday I seriously thought that Katta was going to explode from the stress … so I suppose that it was a good thing that she had today off! The holidays really line up this time of year … one would think that they could have spread them a bit better over the year! There is still the National holiday (6th of June - which is on Saturday this year, but produces a half-day at least) and Midsummer (June 26th)… but then all we get between there and Christmas is one half-day in November.
Considering I was tired enough to fall asleep then and there, I guess that it was really lucky that I had plans to meet A. for a coffee in town, or I would have slept the whole afternoon away … We had a great deal of luck with the weather too, considering that it was raining this morning and it started raining again as we left the café (Nöller in Haga), but we were able to sit outside while drinking our coffee/tea and chatting time away We discussed all sorts of things, ranging from silly ideas for public games, to cars, to child raising and the sick ideals of our society. You know, the kind of conversation when you suddenly stop and think “how on Earth did we end up here?” In short, it was nice! Then A. went on to do something work-related (he claims he’s not a workaholic but I am not so sure about that) and I … went home and napped :S
It would probably have been a good idea for me to go to bed now, in order not to sleep all of tomorrow’s day off away … but I doubt I’d be able to fall asleep anyway … so what could I possibly do that makes sense when I am this tired?! And yeah, by the way ... if anyone wonders what I did after my nap, the answer is that I watched two episodes of "Planet Earth". I just love nature movies, especially when they're narrated by David Attenborough! And even more so when I get to see adorable polar bears and penguins! Such cool animals!
It’s been a rather lazy day in the life of Anna. Being lazy seems to be what I do best … if you leave out the fact that it leaves me feeling bad about myself. But I guess that the fact that I spend too much time by the computer really is something that I should work on. It’s no good for my body at all … and God knows if it’s good for my mind either?
This morning I woke up at five, then at six, then at seven … finally dragging myself out of bed around eight. It would probably have been better to get up at five, ‘cause when I finally got up, I felt all drowsy … but who wants to get up at five on a day off? I dreamt all sorts of weird things, such as S & A being back together and S being mad at Sofus ‘cause she thought she had had an affair with A! :-O Also I was mightily annoyed by the magpies chattering outside. I don’t think that there are many noises as hard to shut out when trying to sleep as the chatter of magpies. They made me go crazy last summer too, always chattering the worst early in the morning. And when I was returning from the store later, I almost got two of them in my head, as they were fighting in a tree and fell down. They did not hurt themselves, of course - they do have wings to break their falls - but they scared me, as I didn’t exactly like the idea of getting birds in my head when I was out walking …
In truth, I spent most of the day reading. I got really caught up in the book I started yesterday - “Lifeless” by Mark Billingham - and I truly felt too lazy to do much else. I did go to the grocery store in the morning, and I watched an episode of “Buffy” at breakfast … and I made an attempt to tidy among my rubber and clear stamps … but that’s about it. Apart from those little distractions - and some surfing of the net - I’ve spent most of the day with my book. Mystery books are so easy to get hooked to … they’re usually easy to read, and you really want to find out who the killer is …
Ah yeah, I played a bit with my Wii too And today I even managed to get the sound working … Apparently I had put the wires wrong when I put the whole thing together on Thursday, and the game was all silent (except for the sound from the controls) when I tried it out back then … but now it works perfectly. I think I am getting the hang of the bowling, and I do not suck at tennis and golf anymore (even though I haven’t played that much yet), but the boxing is still a bit confusing … sometimes the game does not seem at all synchronised with what I do with the controls and sometimes it works just fine … As for the baseball thing, I only tried it once, and it didn’t appeal to me that much. Perhaps because I’m not really familiar with the actual game?!
So, tonight Swedish TV aired the last “CSI” episode which Gil Grissom. The idea of the show without Grissom is a bit weird, considering he’s been there from the beginning, but … I can’t say that I am overly sad at seeing him go. He’s not been really interesting as a character for quite a while now … In fact, none of the characters in “CSI” is really interesting these days. I’d say that the show has been going on too long, but that’s me. And I still watch it, so I guess there is still something … Anyway, the ending, where Grissom finds Sara in a remote part of the South American jungle just seemed a little bit too cliché. Sure, I like the idea of Grissom and Sara being happy together, but … do they really have to spell it out for us? I’d have liked it better if they had left to our imagination what Grissom decided to do after he quit, if you know what I mean? But it still wasn’t as bad as the epilogue of the last Harry Potter novel, of course …
[photo: the nice recycled glass bowls I got from Sofus for my birthday (c) Anna 2009]
I am obviously a bit distracted. I meant to watch “Bones” at eight, and just realized that it was way past eight already. Don’t ask me what I was thinking … Well, for some reason I believed to have one and a half hour between “Merlin” and “Bones” when there really was just half an hour. No use in watching the last fifteen minutes of “Bones”, so I will write my blog instead … Gosh! Sometimes I am really annoyingly absent-minded. And as usual I haven’t gotten much done. I left Sofus’ place with the intention to go home and do some cleaning, or at least something else remotely useful, but ended up wasting time on Facebook, and watching “Buffy”. And I believe I fell asleep for a while when I was listening to the Stieg Larsson book. It’s so much harder to concentrate on the story when just hearing it, than when actually reading with one’s own eyes …
It’s really dark outside, and I feel like I should go to bed. I had way too little sleep this week, and still need to catch up a bit, I think. But when I have the possibility I don’t seem to be able to sleep anyway … I went to bed really early on Friday night, but kept waking up during the night, and I remember waking up from some bad dream around seven or so, even though I don’t remember the content of the dream anymore … This morning I got out of bed at eight already, as by then I was sick of laying awake, my back aching … Thursday morning I had to get up around 4:30 and the night to Friday I pretty much did not sleepat all, as Katta was snoring and our hotel room was too hot. We went to bed after ten and I remember waking up, looking at my watch the first time around twelve, and then I did not sleep properly at all after that … So I am definitely lacking sleep …
Stockholm was nice. We pretty much spent our time chatting with a variety of colleagues working up there (the ones in Solna on Thursday, the ones in HQ on Friday), sometimes about work and sometimes not. The capital was sort of chilly when we arrived, and still sort of covered with snow after Tuesday’s snow storm … GBG was actually quite chilly when we left early Thursday morning too, -5,3 degrees or something, but the sky was clear and the landscape speeding by outside the train window was really beautiful, when I managed to keep my eyes open. There isn’t much that reaches the beauty of a crystal clear, frosty morning when the sun is rising … Thursday afternoon we walked from our hotel (Rival) on Södermalm to Gamla Stan and the Parliament buildings, and later back to Söder again. We had hot chocolate and carrot cake at a cosy café in Gamla Stan, looked for a small statue that our colleagues had been talking about, and just pretended for a while that we were regular tourists. In the evening we had dinner at Greken på hörnet with a friend of Katta’s who lives in Sthlm.
Then we almost got stranded in Stockholm, which wasn’t a very nice experience. Upon leaving HQ we realized that the taxi ticket we had was actually booked for February 13th instead of March 13th. That wasn’t so bad, after all it’s pretty easy to find a new cab … but then we checked our train tickets and realized that the same mistake had been made there. I admit that I nearly panicked and broke down then. I am not one to handle that kind of situation well … We asked a girl working in the customer service what to do and she said we should ask the people on the actual train … which was late too, of course … but Katta figured that then we would be way too likely to be refused to enter the train and that it would be better to play stupid and pretend that we didn’t know. After all, we could’ve just as well not noticed something was wrong until we entered the train, right? Said and done, we sat down in the bistro part of the train and when a woman came to look at our tickets Katta told her that there must have been some mistake as there had been other people in our seats. The woman didn’t notice at first that our tickets had the wrong date, but called the office to check and stuff, and then came back and told us what was wrong … We looked very innocent and said we did not understand, showing our tickets for our trip to Sthlm the day before, saying we didn’t exactly plan to go home again one month before we left … She was actually very nice, saying she’d try to find us seats later on, when the train was no longer full … So we did get home - thanks to Katta, personally I would never have been able to keep my cool - even though it was in the end 40 minutes later than we were supposed to be (the train was late to begin with, then it had motor problems) … but I guess that the delay was more annoying to the people who had connecting trains and missed them We were just glad to get home, in the end … and would like to know who messed up our bookings like that *sigh* We didn’t do them ourselves, so at least we know that it was not us. Well … I guess that’s what you get for travelling on Friday 13th!
And yesterday we had a pink schlager party, as it was the final of Melodifestivalen. As usual it was a very big party, including Sofus, JoJo and myself We had a nice time. Sofus cooked us dinner - isn’t it just lovely when someone does that? - we chatted, played games, danced, had fun with the camera … and watched the show. I voted for Sarah Dawn Finer and EMD, but the whole thing was won by Malena Ernman and her opera pop-song “La voix”. The competition was actually very tight this year … Now we have to wait until May and the ESC finals in Moscow to see what the rest of Europe think of our song … Personally I think the opera part of it sounds way too much like other similar songs, but … that’s me.
Bah, this entry is really turning out too long … but I guess that I have to write just a little bit more, to let you know how my little serial story with I. is evolving. Not that I know what to say, really. I got a text message from him Thursday as Katta and I were having our carrot cakes in Gamla Stan, saying that perhaps we could talk later. I replied that I was in Sthlm but that perhaps we could talk Friday instead … We did talk Friday (I called him, can you imagine that?), and it was pretty much like nothing had happened at all. We just chatted on as usual, you know? It felt both good and weird, to tell the truth. Anyway, as we hung up he said he’d call me during the weekend … and as I am a very gullible girl, I thought that he would. He hasn’t. I have no idea what that might mean, if anything. It just feels weird that he does not call now … if he did not want to be in any more contact with me I’d say he would’ve just ignored me and not gotten in touch again at all, wouldn’t you agree? I know that it happens all the time, guys telling girls that they will call and then they don’t … but I must agree that I never really understood this behaviour. If they don’t intend to call, why say that they will at all? Beats me! Guys are weird creatures!
Bah! I really am the worst relationshipper ever Back when I was watching “X-files” I was always so annoyed that Mulder and Scully did not admit that they loved each other … and now that I watch “Bones” I just want Brennan and Booth to admit that they are sweet on each other, but they never do. I am sure that there have been other examples over the years, even though I can’t think of any right now. I am such a sucker for relationships Not very good at gaining them for myself though *sigh*
And I am still confused about … well, you know by now. One moment I decide that I will let it go, the next that I will contact him, never knowing how and what to say though. It’s so frustrating. My sister told me that it probably wasn’t right if I felt the way I did, considering I’ve been known to feel attracted quickly before (whatever good that ever did me!), and maybe she’s right … but still, if that was the case, then why can’t I let it go? It’s not like I’ve never been on internet dates before. I’ve never had problems putting it behind me if I did not feel that it was right, you know (even though then it‘s usually been just ONE date)? But I’ve never been in quite this situation before. I’ve never - with exception for Mr. Quiet - kissed with a guy that I did not already have a crush on, a bad case of a crush, mostly. (The number of guys I’ve kissed is very easily counted …) I have no idea whatsoever what it’s supposed to feel like if one is not already head over heels in love with (or strangely and uncharacteristically attracted to) the person. All I know for certain is that I wish badly that he had not kissed me … not because it was unpleasant, but because it put me in a situation that I couldn’t handle. I would’ve wanted so badly to get a bit more time, to figure out … And I miss talking to him. I miss the idea of us going out to do stuff … but I can’t at this point say if I could be attracted to him. And my thoughts just spin ‘round and ‘round and ‘round, and it’s driving me out of my mind. I’m sure I’m driving my friends crazy talkingthis over and over and over too. One of them even asked her husband what he thought of the whole thing … not that it did much to help me, as this is what she told me: “He said if it had happened to him he'd like to know why everything ended. But he also said that if you write that email you must be sure of what you want with I...“ Yay. I so do not know what to do. And time is ticking, inevitably … It’s been two weeks already since our last contact (which was a couple of text messages that were very, very general … like about the ESC), and … oh I just don’t know! *bangs head against the wall* (But the fact that I stare at MSN wishing he would log on, and every time that my cell gives the SMS signal I hope that it’s a message for him … doesn’t it mean anything? Have I gone crazy? I am so messed up that I don’t know what means anything anymore … Am I just fooling myself? Do I feel something? Am I just desperate for someone to love? How on Earth am I supposed to know? I just want to shut off right now … hit the “power off” button and fade away …)
Anyway, I promised to report about the Scrapbook fair, did I not? Except for the fact that it was not so nice to arrive there soaking wet, it was perfect weather for such an indoor activity today. The sky was steel grey when I woke up and there was a lot of awful snowy rain falling down, and some nasty wind too. Not the kind of weather that makes you want to get out of bed and hit the streets, so to say … but I did anyway. The first person I bumped into when arriving to Svenska Mässan was my cousin Jenny, and then later also her sister … Sofus and JoJo turned up a bit late though, … but luckily there still wasn’t too much people when we entered. The fair opened at 10 am and we were there pretty much then … Later on it was rather crowded, but still less crowded than the other times we’ve been there, I think. I didn’t feel totally overpowered by the need to get every little cute thing I saw, but I did buy some things, of course. I have a very soft spot for rubber-stamps, there is no denying it. Then we had coffee drinks and something to eat at Frank’s. I was going to post a picture of my chocolate mocca crema, but it’s in JoJo’s camera, and she hasn’t emailed it to me yet, so … perhaps some other day?! After that, Sofus and I took a little trip into town as well, browsing through some stores. I bought a book about sleeping, a rubberstamp alphabet, and two paintings (from Gallerix) … so some more money was spent … All in all it was a pretty good day, I guess (except for the thoughts spinning in my head) … even though I’ve cheated with food again. This is not good! I wonder what it will take to get me out of this vicious circle *sigh* It’s not likely that I will get my appetite back until I’ve stopped my head from spinning … and I don’t know how to do that.
The weekend is almost over. It went by way too fast. I don't particularly look forward to starting another work week. Don't ask me why though. It's not that I dislike work; I guess that I am just tired. If I look out the window I can currently see a couple doing their laundry together. It looks nice. To share the mundane things of life with someone ... that seems nice. I know that it's not all a fairytale to be part of a couple, but ... I am pretty sure that humans are not meant to be single. And by that I don't mean to judge anyone who is single out of choice, I am totally cool with that as long as people are happy. But in general I think that we need to connect to someone special ... And we are not designed to be alone.
So, it's a great thing that I was not alone all weekend then! I've spent four hours or so in town today, shopping with my dear sister. I never find clothes when I go shopping alone, so I need my personal shopper to go with me;) But she usually complains that she ends up buying more stuff than I do. It might just have been true for today too ... I did get two skirts and three pairs of over-knee socks, but that's about it for the clothes. Well no, there was a sweater too. Not much else either ... The stores are full of horrid clothes at the moment. The 80's and early 90's are back big time, and for the most part I just hate it. Some of those things I never would have imagined that they could come back ... like neon coloured stuff. It's awful! And as usual I couldn't find any jeans that suited me. My body does not seem to be made for jeans, while on Sofus, they all seem to look good. And, again I've realized that I must start training again. I used to be rather fit, and now I am totally unfit. This just won't do! "Melodifestivalen" pretty much sucked yesterday. We were disappointed. Not only were the songs rather crappy, but also the voting system - that was changed again, this year - seemed utterly stupid. I hardly even remember which songs made it through to the finals, and to the "second chance" program. I believe, however, that it was Alcazar and Emilia that made it directly to the finals ... which I guess was okay. Apart from the lousy competition the evening was nice, though. We had dinner, cupcakes and drinks. I baked my first cupcakes ever, and they turned out okay. I still have a long way to go before I make the perfect kind of cupcakes that you seem to see everywhere these days (cupcakes seem to be very fashionable at the moment), but at least they weren't a catastrophe. I don't think they're my favourite kind of pastry though ... they just look pretty.
Since I'm a really silly girl I've been worrying about Mr Quiet all day. Not seriously, perhaps, but worrying still. I woke up this morning with the sense of him being in some kind of distress and there being reason for me to worry. I don't really recall what I dreamt, but it was obviously something about him. I don't know what the danger or trouble might have been in my dream, but I am pretty sure that it also had elements of wishful thinking, such as someone telling me he had written me poems or something like that. Anyway, since he is usually online on MSN I was sort of worried - again - when he was not logged in, neither this morning or this evening when I logged on ... but he showed up in the end. I was very tempted to ask him if he was alright, but I didn't ... reasoning that he would probably just think me an idiot. Especially if I told him "hey, I had a dream about you ... are you okay?". I doubt that he wants me to care about him. But then again, what kind of person would I be if I did not? We might not share much of a history, but we aren't strangers. Anyway, I don't know why it bothered me so much today. It's not like I have a history of psychic dreams of any kind. I guess that I just have a tendency to obsess about certain people *blush*
Apart from doing a bit of cleaning, a bit of grocery shopping, a bit of baking and a bit of shopping I seem to have spent most of this weekend in front of the television. That can't be healthy, right? As you've probably guessed, I've watched several episodes of "Buffy" ... but also "Merlin" (I caught up on the two previous episodes and watched the one aired today) + "Bones". I haven't even been cross-stitching while watching, so I feel sort of lazy. But perhaps it's good that I allow myself to do just one thing at the time?! As for next week, I think my main goals should be to stop eating cookies/candies/cakes every damned day (but preferably have real and healthy food instead) and to get exercising! I MUST WORK ON THIS!
Whoa! There is some serious smooching going on in "Buffy" right now. I never could take that very well. It leaves me yearning ... I don't have much trouble with the Xander/Cordelia smooching, but Angel and Buffy ... they get to me. But I can't stay away, of course. Just like I can't keep my eyes off a certain beautiful person. He spoke to me today *silly smile* Let's not mention that he just asked for a new pen Mély claims that being sexy isn't illegal ... but it really should be. Goddammit! Could someone just erase this obsession from my mind? Well, I'll probably calm down now that I most likely won't see much of him for a few weeks. That helps. I'll keep to watching Buffy and Angel and being just a tad jealous of their passion, eh?
It's finally Friday! This week has seemed very long, somehow. And I am tired. I had coffee (with lots of cocoa) when I got home, so at least I never napped ... I hope that I will fall asleep easily tonight and wake up rested tomorrow. Right. One can always dream. And I do want cool dreams. I want to keep a proper dream diary ... but it never seems to work out for me. I'm usually too sleepy in the morning to write the dreams down, and then I forget about them, unless they are extremely special. I definitely need to catch up on sleep though. When getting up around five, one almost never gets enough sleep. I mean, it's not like I go to bed at nine! Yesterday I was in town, having tea and (a very dry)cinnamon bun with I. at Le Pain Français, and did not get home until maybe a quarter to eleven. It was totally nice, but getting home that late has its disadvantages ... Such as being so tired you feel sick in the morning ... But I guess that one has to live dangerously at times
The girls are coming over to watch the first part of Melodifestivalen (the Swedish competition to find the song to send to ESC), so I have to tidy a bit. As usual I wasn't as effective about it as I wished to be, but at least I've cleaned the kitchen tonight ... That leaves mainly the bathroom for tomorrow. The living room isn't so bad, and the bedroom doesn't necessarily have to be perfect, I could close the door. And then I have to figure out what food to make. I am sure that we'll have a nice time. Somehow I think we ended up deciding to have a turquoise theme ... We'll see about that!
At work, our boss is already nagging us about the vacation schedule for the summer. Oh man! It's only the beginning of February and they have us thinking about summer vacations! I shouldn't be surprised, it's the same story every year, but still ... Hopefully we'll work it out. We usually do ... but most of the time that comes from me saving the day by taking time off on odd dates. This year, however, if we actually manage to put our desired travel plan together with Mély and her family, I will need to take two of the most desirable weeks off, and that will make things trickier. And I really don't want to think about it just yet ... I hate making plans that much in advance ... but what choice do we have? I guess that summer will get here sooner than we think anyway. I do hope, however, that I don't have to wait until summer for travel. Sofus and I should really check out if there is something available in March or so ... It usually does one good to get away for a while.
I learnt today that the fact that I've not been posting anything in any of my blogs since last Saturday had worried Mély. I guess that to her that looked like I had not been online at all - she's no longer on Facebook - and, like she said, that really doesn't happen unless I am on vacation. So, I guess I can understand why she was worried and wondered if something had happened to me. I hope, though, that no one else was worried. I've not been offline all week, but I haven't been online as much as I usually am, and I haven't felt like blogging, for some reason. Or perhaps I've felt like it on occasion, but I never got around to it.
I've actually been out of the house a bit more than usual this week, so perhaps that's the main reason for not blogging. That, and watching way too much "Buffy the vampire slayer". Gav was right when he lent it to me - it is very addictive! I can't really put my finger on why, but it has caught me big time ... I'm already a couple of episodes into the second season now. Season one was only twelve episodes, but still ... I am not totally hot for David Boreanaz in this series either - even though I sort of find his Angel character interesting - but at least now I can understand why some girls are obsessed with him. Since I had only seen him in "Bones" before, I never really got what was so special about him ... He's not exactly hot in that series. But, it's definitely true what Mély said to me earlier on MSN, that series on DVD are vicious. It's so much easier to get caught in a series when you can watch several episodes in a row than when you have to wait a whole week to see the next, or sometimes half a year when TV decides not to broadcast them for a while ... This said, according to navy-cis.se "NCIS" will be on TV again starting Feb 17 ... and now on Tuesdays. I am not so happy about that, since my French classes are now on Tuesdays, but ... I guess that I will just have to hurry home, or make use of my VCR.
The day of French class has been changed, since there weren't enough people applying for the continuation of my previous course, and I now have to join a different group. I hope that will be okay. From what they told me, this group is a bit behind what we did in our course, but perhaps I will do good with some revision. At least it's better than no French class at all ... And I have reason to be sort of relieved that I won't go there on Wednesdays, but I don't think that I will talk about that here. I'm a bit sad about having to change teachers though. I liked Pierre. He was fun. And I wonder if there will be anyone from the old group joining?!
So, what did I do all week, to keep me away from blogging? Well, on Monday Sofus, Gav and me took Robin out for his 26th birthday. We had dinner at Cafè Caprese and then we went to Biljardpalatset to play some pool. We had fun, but the price for playing pool there is rather high. We've usually played pool at Paul's biljard through the years, and their prizes are more reasonable. Apart from the last game, all of them were ended by someone (mostly Gavin) sinking the black ball, either out of turn or in the wrong pocket. We are far from pool professionals, that much is true!
Thursday I skipped the office meeting (we always talk about the same things anyway) and went to the movies with Sofus and Gavin. We saw the Danish animated movie "Sunshine Barry and the Disco Worms", which was really funny. Considering my sister's nickname, how could we ever miss out on a movie about worms forming a disco band? We kept singing songs from the movie throughout the rest of the evening, which we spent having pizza at a place whose name I can't remember (the pizza was sort of weird anyway - don't they usually put the filling on before putting it in the oven and not afterwards?) and then browsing the shelves of the city library. I got home with a CD-book (must try to listen to one and see if I like the idea) and two children's books in French.
Yesterday I met up with I. in town to have a couple of glasses of wine – again I don’t remember the name of the place we went to, but it was in the area of Kungstorget – and chat several hours away. It was very nice. It’s always great to hang out with a person with whom you effortlessly chat time away like that! Around eleven we figured it was time to go home and hit our beds, and also the music at the place had been raised to a volume that no longer made conversation enjoyable, so we went out ... and realized that it was snowing! Not a lot of snow, but snow nonetheless. It was sort of cold outside though. When I was walking home from the bus I was sort of worried by the fact that there was a gang of youngsters hanging out in the area, but they left me alone and I got home safely. I was a bit dizzy though ... two glasses of wine tends to have that effect on me. The fact that I hadn’t had anything proper to eat since breakfast probably didn’t help either ...
... and most likely that was the reason why I woke up with an intense headache this morning, and felt rather gloomy throughout the day. Lack of food tends to do that to people, but I did not feel like eating. In truth, I’ve been feeling like crap most of the day for no particular reason. I almost cried when I walked to the store to pick up my book package from Cdon. I don’t know why, it’s not like I have any particular reason to feel bad at this point, but I still did ... still do, sort of, even though it’s better now. It has been a sort of disturbing week in some ways and I guess that it has gotten to me ... Again, things that I don’t really want to discuss here. But I truly wonder how some people can be so thoughtless as to ask me about M, sounding like they think I should ... I don’t know! Especially since they should have a pretty good idea how much he once hurt me. I don’t think about that much these days, but when people keep bringing it up, it still bugs me, you know?
Hm, Team Erik did not win Körslaget finally. Team Hanna did. They were both good, of course, but I was still voting for Erik and his green gang. Well, c'est la vie. It's not like it is that important. Sometimes I wonder what is.
I seem to have forgotten about the positive list in my last entry, and I don't exactly feel overly positive today, but I'll try. What made me happy today: * realizing I was being missed when not updating my blogs * the hint of snow on the ground and the hint of sun in the sky
My Opera
I have a framed picture of the two of us by the bed too … I got it from him the day before Christmas as an early present … But I can’t wait until tomorrow when he’ll be here and I’ll see him live again … when I’ll be able to hug him tight, cover him in kisses and tell him how beautiful he is. 
I cried myself to sleep again last night. Or … that’s not true. I went to bed, I worked some on a Japanese picture puzzle (they’re perfect for when you want to keep your mind off of everything else), I laid on my yantra mat for a while … then I tried to sleep. And then I started thinking too much, thoughts just spinning ‘round and ‘round in my head … of how he probably had a much better time without me there and how his friends were probably just happy that he did not drag his quiet and boring girlfriend along and … then I cried so hard I could not breathe, and of course I wasn’t able to fall asleep at all after that, but just laid in bed, twitching and turning and feeling miserable. God, I am truly pathetic!
