OPEN for LOVE

Sometimes I stop in the middle of somewhere and wonder what if....

It's hard to be yourself all the time and not hurting somebody else that you really care about. It may seem that I don't care about it so much (or I pretend to be so). It sucks when I just did it and then figured out it break a person's heart.

So the question is, is it necessary to compromise your habit to avoid that situation. Or just do it some more times and that person will simply get used to it. It can be selfish, and in some cases, very thoughtless to raise a question like that, I guess. However, I wonder if you guys, at least once in your life, think about this seriously. That's why I usually enjoy being on my own. Not the best solution I know, but I can feel free to do whatever I love to. I used to have a very close friend who can stands me. It's fun at that time. But then, somehow we have our own way and now he's 1300 miles away...

So I am back to being alone. Sb says that I am afraid to make any commitment to any kind of relationship. "That commitment will be the main stimulation for any compromise...". If that's the case, how much compromise is enough...and if one btw two being more selfish and dominant, how can the other still be himself/herself and maintain a good bond....

I don't mean to raise such a hard question to anybody...Just what I wonder, and I know that I don't have the answer yet, and maybe it's not the time for me to answer it....I still enjoy my status quo...very free and enjoyable to live my life my own way...

Hi you guys,
Such a long time I didn't log in My Opera. I thought I need some time for MYSELF...really, just do thing which really good for me and help me at peace through several not so good thing I experienced previously.

I took a long trip back to Asia. I choose to go to the rural area and find myself among the most underprivileged population of this entire world. It do help me to open my eyes and realize how lucky I am.... I hope I have recognized the things that really matter to my life. I do think I got it from this long long and lonely trip....Well, sometimes I need to be alone to be able to think clear about my messy life...

When I was in the Philippines, I bump into one of my old friends. He is older than me, and much more talented. At that time, he's a doctor doing some kind of volunteer job in this island country. I stay at his place for two weeks, being "his most clumsy assistant" (as he said). However, I did enjoy that time so much. Feel like the first time in my life, I really do something to help somebody else. I used to be ...well, not so "for people", although I can be a very friendly guy. But you know, the distance btw being nice and truly care for others is huge, and I am glad that I just put my initial step in getting through that road.

In this time, I met a lot of people of all background and personality which I would never ever imagined. It's fun and scary sometimes. However, I love this feeling of adventure, although it could be a little childlike to say so.

Feel like I am so FREE at this moment...really truly deeply

I am quite off the mood lately. No big deal...I don't take it serious myself, just like a moment I want to stay alone.
Read over my blog. It's all about love...of any kind. Some points are really good, but the others are very silly and childish. But it's me at that time, and believe it or not, I appreciate all of those. My life is exactly a hybrid of tragedy and comedy...haha
Want to say hello to some friends I am in contact ever since I join Opera community. In fact, I feel free and relaxed here...even more than I have in my real life. However, I always remind myself of getting out there and live for real...not get stuck in virtual so deep that I can no longer distinguish the real and unreal.
One question occupies my mind lately. Can a person's nature change over time? Like if he's cruel, wicked, arrogant and indifferent, can you hope he can be more soft, kind, modest and caring as time pass by. In my opinion, I am quite sure he cannot. But deep inside my heart, I wish that miracle, though it's very unlikely to happen, can come true. However, in contrast, if a person who is already very nice and interesting, I wish time wouldn't take away his charm and good characteristics. It's all about changes and wishes...Wish to resist from changing into bad and Wish to change into good.
Haha, it's some silly things in my head right now. Hope it won't spoil your sentiment...
Cheer and good luck,
Me

Yesterday,Mom (my bio-mom) called me. Wow...have nothing to say. It's been 7 years long since her last call. I had no idea why she called. She asked me something which I don't bother to remember (believe me, it's not worth my memory). Figure out that one of her daughter (with later husband) has cancer. She (the daughter) is 4 year younger than me, and she want to see me (what for)....

Mom ask me to pay her a visit in US. What hurt me a little is that Mom call for me not because she suddenly care about me (which seem very hard to imagine after such things she did to me and Dad). Mom care about her little beloved daughter more. Ironically feel like I am a doll which must be available to that girl's curiosity. Have a long plan to come back to Hong Kong. I miss my friends there too much. I will absolutlely have great time there, with Jamie, Lucy and Jacob. Considering Mom's offer, with discretion. Don't want to let myself hurt as well as hurt anybody.

By the way, my problem with my friend is kind of resolved. KIND OF... We promise to forgive each other's mistake... and start it all over...(sound just like a broken couple looking for way back into love..huh ^^). Yup. Friendship is a kind of love too. Don't tell me that you guys don't love ur friends (not all of them, but the closest ones). Set myself on being patient and rational and tolerant this time. No more excuse...if I ruin this again...I will kill myself...I swear...haha

Want to say thank to some guys who do show care about my silly problems and diverse troubles. I adore ur wisdom and eager to listen from you....

P/S: Say 3 magic words more often...It would make this amazing life more "pink" ( though I admit that I am allergic to pink...mentally ^^). Life is not long enough for ur silence. Say "I LOVE YOU" out loud, guys...

I cannot sleep for the last few days. Have so many things to recall, to scrutinize, to judge... I look back what I have done...and suddenly realize it made me dull and empty...

Some guy said I was like a child crying out loud for unfairness which is the most common thing anybody is expected to face in this life. At first, I was very furious with him. I think he know nothing about me and have no right to judge me like that. I just has too much constraint and that time, I blow up...blow up...literally.

On second thought, he's totally right about me. I am still a child, an easily hurt (I like to refer it as "irrationally oversensitive"). I am a child...maybe because dad always tries his best to cover me in the most comfortable condition. He want to compensate me for what I have experience as a little boy. I regret that I was so often get mad at him for no reason. Like he cares about me, I distort it into "he sticks his nose into my business". He gives me prudent suggestions and I think "he tries to impose on me...again". I did try to amplify my misery to get sympathy from others (which seem really pathetic and silly...haha , common, everybody did the same thing at least once in life). I AM NOT GROWN UP...not at all, I can assert that. I am learning to grow up, and honestly, I haven't found out the way yet...

Like this, I try to act rationally for a while...when things seem fine, suddenly I become childish and mess up everything...It's a cycle of my life, maybe. Build it up, ruin it...build up again, ruin again...

It's another good example for the fact that "it's damn hard to do the right thing...and very easy and impulsive to destroy all previous efforts for nothing....No, in my case, for my selfishness and childishness. I want sth so much that I overlook the consequences...But at that moment, I just know that I WANT IT...WANT IT....and HAVE TO GET IT at any cost.

Somebody said "GIVING UP IS NOT WEAK....JUST THE ONE BRAVE ENOUGH CAN LET IT GO AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD" Now I get it...I was weak and greedy. Finally, I didn't get what I want. Worse, I lose two friends...in two successive days, had big fight with papa. How ironically...haha

These day, I am not in Switzerland...Stepmother take me around...go to my favorite cities in Europe. Sometimes we bump into demonstration, people are on their nerves with belt-tightening plan... Sometimes it seem nobody is really happy. Mom (since now, I refer my stepmother as mom) had good taste in almost everything: food, fashion, music, books, movie...(what a great woman. I don't know why I didn't notice this before). When we had Chinese food by a lake, she suddenly ask
"Do you think that wind loves leaf?"
@@ "what?"
"Wind does make leaf fall down, to separate leaf from its beloved tree."
"It seem very wicked. Leaf must hate wind a lot." I reply
"But wind, in fact, just want to stroke leaf. And leaf enjoys that. That's why you can hear joyful sound whenever wind flow through leaves..."
"Really..."
"Yes. So wind didn't mean to hurt leaf, to make leaf fall down. Maybe wind didn't realize that leaf sometimes is weak, and wind was a little too strong..."
"So..."
"So wind did make leaf fall...accidentally. But wind did try his best to make it up for leaf..."
"how..."
"By taking leaf to far far away places, where leaf has never been to. Thanks to wind, leaf can have a great adventure before the end of its life".
"So if you were leaf, would you be mad at wind forever?"
...............
"Brian. You must know that...People hurt each other very often, accidentally. We just can stop it, even with the people we love most. We do care about them, but we cannot figure it out what is best for them. So the only thing we can do is try to do what we consider best for them...Then we may hurt them. But we, again, will try our best to "heal" them."

"When sb doesn't love you the way you want, it doesn't mean that they don't love you. It's just because they have yet figured it out how to express their feelings properly".
"Try to "feel" the intention of action. Don't let its appearance fool you. You are smart, so you won't jump to conclusion hastily...Right???"
I hug her...tightly. Feel her warmth. Suddenly I miss my biological mom. But I realize I need the woman hugging me right then much more than her. For the first time, I do realize I love my mom, so much...

Funnily, she's the second person advice me against jumping to conclusion. I am hot-tempered, in some cases. And I did misjudge some guy. I want to say sorry and hope he will forgive me....