I cannot sleep for the last few days. Have so many things to recall, to scrutinize, to judge... I look back what I have done...and suddenly realize it made me dull and empty...
Some guy said I was like a child crying out loud for unfairness which is the most common thing anybody is expected to face in this life. At first, I was very furious with him. I think he know nothing about me and have no right to judge me like that. I just has too much constraint and that time, I blow up...blow up...literally.
On second thought, he's totally right about me. I am still a child, an easily hurt (I like to refer it as "irrationally oversensitive"). I am a child...maybe because dad always tries his best to cover me in the most comfortable condition. He want to compensate me for what I have experience as a little boy. I regret that I was so often get mad at him for no reason. Like he cares about me, I distort it into "he sticks his nose into my business". He gives me prudent suggestions and I think "he tries to impose on me...again". I did try to amplify my misery to get sympathy from others (which seem really pathetic and silly...haha
, common, everybody did the same thing at least once in life). I AM NOT GROWN UP...not at all, I can assert that. I am learning to grow up, and honestly, I haven't found out the way yet...
Like this, I try to act rationally for a while...when things seem fine, suddenly I become childish and mess up everything...It's a cycle of my life, maybe. Build it up, ruin it...build up again, ruin again...
It's another good example for the fact that "it's damn hard to do the right thing...and very easy and impulsive to destroy all previous efforts for nothing....No, in my case, for my selfishness and childishness. I want sth so much that I overlook the consequences...But at that moment, I just know that I WANT IT...WANT IT....and HAVE TO GET IT at any cost.
Somebody said "GIVING UP IS NOT WEAK....JUST THE ONE BRAVE ENOUGH CAN LET IT GO AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD" Now I get it...I was weak and greedy. Finally, I didn't get what I want. Worse, I lose two friends...in two successive days, had big fight with papa. How ironically...haha
These day, I am not in Switzerland...Stepmother take me around...go to my favorite cities in Europe. Sometimes we bump into demonstration, people are on their nerves with belt-tightening plan... Sometimes it seem nobody is really happy. Mom (since now, I refer my stepmother as mom) had good taste in almost everything: food, fashion, music, books, movie...(what a great woman. I don't know why I didn't notice this before). When we had Chinese food by a lake, she suddenly ask
"Do you think that wind loves leaf?"
"Wind does make leaf fall down, to separate leaf from its beloved tree."
"It seem very wicked. Leaf must hate wind a lot." I reply
"But wind, in fact, just want to stroke leaf. And leaf enjoys that. That's why you can hear joyful sound whenever wind flow through leaves..."
"Yes. So wind didn't mean to hurt leaf, to make leaf fall down. Maybe wind didn't realize that leaf sometimes is weak, and wind was a little too strong..."
"So wind did make leaf fall...accidentally. But wind did try his best to make it up for leaf..."
"By taking leaf to far far away places, where leaf has never been to. Thanks to wind, leaf can have a great adventure before the end of its life".
"So if you were leaf, would you be mad at wind forever?"
"Brian. You must know that...People hurt each other very often, accidentally. We just can stop it, even with the people we love most. We do care about them, but we cannot figure it out what is best for them. So the only thing we can do is try to do what we consider best for them...Then we may hurt them. But we, again, will try our best to "heal" them."
"When sb doesn't love you the way you want, it doesn't mean that they don't love you. It's just because they have yet figured it out how to express their feelings properly".
"Try to "feel" the intention of action. Don't let its appearance fool you. You are smart, so you won't jump to conclusion hastily...Right???"
I hug her...tightly. Feel her warmth. Suddenly I miss my biological mom. But I realize I need the woman hugging me right then much more than her. For the first time, I do realize I love my mom, so much...
Funnily, she's the second person advice me against jumping to conclusion. I am hot-tempered, in some cases. And I did misjudge some guy. I want to say sorry and hope he will forgive me....