# BIG TIME JOKES

one thing besides pocket economy that makes me love opera browser is the copy paste utility that it offers. I jst LV opera.

## Does Santa Exist? The Scientific Approach

1. No known species of reindeer that can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer (which only Santa has ever seen.)

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total-378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second-a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload-not even counting the weight of the sleigh-to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison-this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now

## American Sit-Coms

All Americans are young, good-looking and are able to afford spacious and well furnished apartments without any apparent form of employment; since they spend all day exchanging witty banter in coffee shops and/or bars.
Where they do have a job; it is more like a hobby. A bartender can casually stroll from behind the bar, stop serving customers, and instead engage his/her friends in a conversation for half an hour.
No social circle is complete without one of the following. Trendily dressed gay guy who has more guy drama than an episode of WWE Wrestling, or the sassy professional black guy/girl who occasional lapses back into ghetto mode, or the incredibly good looking Latino/Latina who inserts random Spanish sentences into conversations when they get emotional ( which happens a lot.).
In a group of friends it is perfectly acceptable to date each other, often one after the other. And then marry one another after.
No family drama, no matter how deeply traumatic, cannot be resolved in a half hour.

American Crime Dramas.

Contrary to what the scientific community thinks; 3d holograms have already been invented.
Crime scene investigators are not scientists who work long hours in labs doing mundane tests; they are cool and hip gun totting scientists who solve all crimes, always.
American criminals cannot resist the urge to confess their whole scheme to the cops in the end. And they never, ever exercise their right to remain silent.
The police can go on crazy high speed chases and never kill or injure innocent pedestrians (who are all seemingly Olympic gold medalist high jumpers, given the way they leap out of the way of the cars driving on the pavement.)
Police in America suffer from sensitivity to light; so they all need to wear sunglasses.

Action Movies.

An action hero has an invisible aura that surrounds their body; which cause bullets to swerve round his/her body even when fired by 50 trained bad guys from approximately 10 feet away.
Action heroes have a seemingly endless supply of bullets.
Any super computer can be easily re-programmed using an ordinary laptop and any information needed by the hero can be obtained from a quick internet search.
All bombs come with large display timers and cannot be defused unless there is 1-5 seconds only left on the clock.
Arabs, Russians and Chinese are all terrorists; only Latinos are involved in the International drug trade and Special Forces can kill every member of a 50,000 strong third world army and still have time to exchange witty banter.

Chinese Movies

Once upon a time the Chinese could fly great distances through the air, walk on water and generally defy the laws of physics...so long as they were fighting.
Chinese villains surround a hero and then negate the very essence of doing this by attacking him one by one; in a very orderly fashion.
All daughters of evil Lords eventually betray their father after falling in love with the hero; whom they have known for exactly 5 minutes.
All you need to take on an army of villains armed with swords, bows and arrows, and even chariots...is a mop.
Avenging the death of murdered Masters is the number one activity for Chinese males aged 15-35.

Mexican Soap Operas

Due to the reduced gravity in Mexico, people are more prone to falling down flights of stairs and these falls will always result in memory loss.
Also, due to the high levels of Helium in the air...most Mexicans speak in high, squeaky voices.
Every priest in Mexico had a child before joining the Priesthood.
Approximately 82% of all children in Mexico are being raised by a man who is not in fact their true biological father.
Despite it not being the 1800s, almost everyone in Mexico wears sternson hats.

Kenyan Comedies and Dramas

That everyone who lives in a slum or a rural village speaks perfect English...and with an Oxford accent as well.
That when Kenyans are discussing any issues they like to take long dramatic pauses after each and every sentence.
Size 8 is the most prolific petty criminal in human history.
No matter how dirty the job you are doing is, your clothes always remain sparkling clean.
The richer and more educated the woman is; the stronger her American accent.

Nigerian Movies

Any woman who drinks alcohol and/or smokes is evil, immoral and will meet a horribly painful death.
The Nigerian Government should not waste its time with a police force...Juju Men can solve any crime, track any missing person and apparently...teleport themselves right into the midst of groups of people.
As religious as Nigerians are; going to heaven is not their number one dream. That honour is reserved for the United States of America.
Nigerian Men are genetically designed to be attracted to helpless orphan girls.
No matter how well educated one is, no matter how long one has stayed in America...Nigerians cannot speak more than two English sentences without making a major grammatical faus pas.

Rather than skinning you alive for trying to skip school by ruining all your school shirts with ink, a modern Kenyan mum will just laugh it off. After all, Dirt is Good.
Insecticides don’t just need to kill insects. They need to kill them...dead. (As opposed to what...killing them unconscious?)
Is Jimmi Gathu there all along? You know....when the 'mpango wa kando' stuff is going on? If not; how does he know when to appear?
PK is not chewing gum. It’s a mild hallucinogenic.
All skin fairness creams magically clear up all your skin blemishes and land you not just your dream job but also your dream man within 30 minutes of use.

## Ha Ha Ha Ha thi hi hi

Am bored lets remind ourselves those primary school funny compositions.
guys translating their mother tongue directly eg. we went, and we were those umoja ( na ni sisi hao umoja) and we were those buru ( na ni sisi hao buru). when we arrive at k- south, we beat a corner (tukapiga corner) my friend was tired and quarrelling me so i told him that i don't want mouth (nikamwambia sitaki mdomo) #dead# lol! share your moments here!

## But this was my Best

The local TV show in Kenya that ensnared Kenyans with it's twists, humor and unpredictable drama might be headed to a close. It's been about six years since Tahidi High debuted on Citizen Tv. It actually beats logic that six years on, the likes of OJ and Tanya are still in high school. Word has it that Tanya, Oj and Shish shot their final scenes during the week.

Speaking to Tanya on phone, she confirmed that they had shot their finals scenes on Monday reporting Ceechy DanielsBut This Was My Best. Despite being somewhat reluctant to divulge much, she confessed that she totally enjoyed her stay in Tahidi High and that she gave her all during the 6 years the show has been on.

## Come on lets stop this

One boss was cheating on his wife with the secretary, his wife always demanded why he got home late yet he had left his job early...one day he went to see his mistress and he noticed that it was late and his wife would be mad at him and demand an explanation. He sits and thinks quickly of plan B....and he definitely gets it.....he calls the mistress and tells her
" please take ma shoes and dirtify them outside with mud and grass and please no questions"

the mistress does so and the boss leaves for home...when he gets home its the normal drama and questions...where have u been? asked the wife....i was cheating on you with my secretary...replied the man.....whaaaaaaaaaat?????? the wife asked really puzzled.....then she smiled and told him

u naughty man....ua shoes say the truth than your mouth....you have been playing golf......

## Primary school memories.

Do u remember question tags? Hasn’t she, didn’t he? Etc?
There was this friend of mine who English was his Ex girlfriend. Lol!
One day the English teacher pauses a question for him…this is what happened.
TEACHER: David please convert the following statement into a question tag
... “ mary has gone to the market”
David: (Boldly) “Market she?”

## Santa Jokes

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.

Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother..."
May 2013
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