Bill Courtney

Macho White Men vs Water Monkeys, Nazi Mandrils, Killer Minks and Canivorous Flying Squirrels

Friday, 15. June 2007, 14:52:10

No doubt some of the most entertaining of the men’s “true adventure” covers to be created were the men against ruthless animal covers. As if Bushido warriors, Nazis, assorted dark skinned savages and commies weren’t enough, our hairy chested he-men had to also grapple with out of control varmints from every corner of the world. Now a couple of these covers may almost seem plausible in a far fetched way. For example the cover for MALE where the guy is tearing blood sucking leeches from his flesh in the swamps of Ceylon. The other MALE cover with two tough guys hacking up piranha is not really inconceivable. But it soon takes a turn for the near ludicrous (and therefore more thoroughly enjoyable) when the same magazine portrays some lost at sea heroes fending off a horde of savage meat eating water monkeys from their rubber raft. I am not a zoologist but I have never heard of such a thing happening. It would be a more interesting world however if it did.

Even more stunning a revelation is that the masters of evil the Nazis had trained mandril apes from remote areas of Africa to eat pretty young half naked white girls alive. No fear however since always lurking nearby and out of sight is a stud with a gun. In this case a Tommy gun. Blast ‘em Joe! Not to be out done by their Nazi rivals in evil some stinking red commies tie yet another half naked white girl down with stakes and have a bunch of minks (a cute name for weasels) prepare to rip her flesh to shreds. These Nazi and commie guys were so evil and insidious you almost have to love them.

When it is all said and done nothing compares to the horror our hero on the cover of True Men must contend with. It is a fate we all fear when lost in the wilds of Burma or Borneo but one we tremble to voice. What you ask? Devoured by a Bengal Tiger or gored by a jealous water buffalo? I wish it were that civilized a death he faces. No. I am talking about the most feared and vicious animal in all of the wild kingdom. You may have guessed by now riveted reader what savage beast I am referring to in hushed terms: yes, I am talking about flying squirrels. Meat eating, insane flying squirrels. Imagine the world we would be living in now had Spielberg selected this bloodthirsty beast as the heartless killer of his first film rather than that wimpy great white shark. My God.