Blcktear !

.......................
horse shit!!!
it all is..

So here i am, looking great and lanky in the attire i chose to wear that morning.. (yesterday)

The one comment i got was that i look like i just stepped out of a fashion magazine..
'Interesting.. and quite lovely coz that then says i got a great sense of style - fashion sense.'
Anyhow it isn't new anyway.. i've always known i got a great sense of style.. I know how to dress myself.

So i just jumped off the taxi and am walking through the massive mass of people in the centre of Joburg.. careful not to bump into anyone as it's always so packed with people rushing to get to their homes, others to work for late shifts and all..!!
Right halfway through i start feeling someone walking close to me (concentrating on me).. and this time my instincts were definitely telling me something.
and yeah, as always?.. Likeleli will just ignore it.. or is it taking things lightly?.. but i wasn't ignoring it.. i was aware of it although i wasn't getting any urgency to act..
well, i just checked the parameters with the corner of my eye and saw this guy, filthy and all.. rushing along with me.. I carried on like i wasn't aware of him..

anyhow to catch my attention he greeted me - so sweetly, and i turned my head to greet him back..
and that's where he started blabbering on about my not making a scene and just hand my phone over to him..

what?.. and i'm thinking hell no!!
I don't stop walking and my pace is still steady but fast and he says to me.. listen ausi, ke kopa o mphe fono ka pele ke tsamae, ha ke batle ho etsa nthoe ngata..
'what a nerve!'
So i ask him.. what phone is it that you want?.. i wasn't even paying much attention to him or what he was saying anyhow except i was trying to get home.
Anyhow, i then walked towards a little crowd of people ahead and the guy was still stuck to me.. asking for my phone, which he wasn't getting!..
Those people weren't gonna help, they looked more like the bunch he would hang with, so further on as i kept walking i saw a couple walking across the road a little off my way and just before they could pass i grabbed the gentleman's arm and informed him that this guy here is hassling me..

The bloody monkey walked off as though he wasn't the person hanging onto me i was pointing to.. not a glance back as he walked off..
Mare he knew hore haba'sa Joburg, if ke i le ka screema feela, ba kabe ba mo tsoere ba mo betsa!! he knew it too that's why he chose to try and intimidate me rather than try grab and run with my purse..

I thanked the couple for their time and apologized for having stopped them but that i needed help; they were alright, although they too looked a bit shocked somehow.
As i walked off i got such a heavy flood of fear over me i couldn't see in front of me.. yet i kept walking and my feet took me to take a different direction to the one the guy had taken which was the same route i was initially following..
Only then did everything sink in and i realized what had just happened..
I walked on and immediately got my pepper spray out of my bad, armed and ready should anyone try anything.. and this time i didn't turn to greet back anyone that tried to greet me.
Just held my head and headed to my place..
I had never thought this could happen to me.. and i was still shocked until i got into the apartment and locked the butler and door behind me.

'shoo!!'

Nope.. it's nothing to do with food..

that's the recent description made to me..

k, so here's the story.. I work with a guy by the name Jabu, he's an ok chap , easy to be around and is a lot of fun around the office infact. I call him 'shakespear'.. for one reason only..
for some reason he unsed to, and still does like to correct my grammer when i speak.
It's very funny, coz i mean really.. not many people this days still speak the correct/perfect English.. anyway what is perfect English?..
We don't give attention to our words or what we do say..

he borrowed my pen, which i take with me in my purse everywhere.. habit!!.. anyway, i then told him that 'that pen better come back!'..
and that's where it started.. i didn't give any attention as i was up in laugher blowing myself up as he spoke.. and then i gave him the name shakespear coz he was acting like one.

anyhow, back to the unbalanced diet:
i'd just fumed up about something.. he asked what my surname meant and i told him that it's 'white' and then for some reason he commented that that's why some of them won't marry white women..
huh?..
k, i was a bit lost here..
anyhow, then i start inquiring about what axactly he was talking about and he says.. 'white women are not wife material.'
i cut in with; how do you know?, you've never married a white woman before.. it can't be every white women coz you still get black girls that are not wife material..
then he says 'that's what most black men that are married to white women say.. they are just not wife material!!..
k?!..
'They know best to party, coffee bars and malls and sex ofcoz.. but a man needs something more.. you get home and you need that something more which you don't ever get..'
k?! right!!
then he says that no, 'those black girls that don't make wife material grew up in white neighbourhoods..'

I start laughing and corrected him that again no!, that does not make it ideal for him argument..
then he says 'fine, then it's those black girls that grew up with white people then'..
hmmmm... still not it..
so since i had an argument bruewing for him and wanted to clear his thinking about black girls that grow up in white neighbourhoods or living with them turning to not make wife material.. i ask him...
so what do you think of me?.. would you say i'm wife material?..

yep!! that's where the diet things cames in..
he says.. i wouldn't say you make a wife material.. infact, you are more of an unbalanced diet.

huh?.. pls explain?..
then he says this.. you seem like you can manage and can be good at being a wife and everything.. although you also seem like someone to caurse a storm in a teacup!..
hmm!!.. Interesting!!..

and cry and cry an........ Its hard for me to open up and let the rivers flow ,for only sleep waits on to comfort me.. How do i close my eyes and not think, dream, dare... why do i feel so alone, empty and unresolved.. why am i even questioning myself, when i have no answers but a deep yearn to let out and cry.. A hug and just that someone understands, realy understands.. is all i probably need.. from there i would happily cry my rivers dry.. my eyes burn as tears well up behind them.. yet not one is ever shed.. I need to cry, although i feel i have had enough of it.. only if i could close my eyes and fall immediately into the embrace of light and darkness.. for thats what sleep is. otherwise i just think im losing my mind thats all..

i feel like an empty tin right now..

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!!

i wish someone could help..
i have many times questioned myself on the choice of career i chose.. and i always end up making excuses which sound to me like reasonable facts which should mean something.. hehe..
I read somewhere that the 20's is a very bad period in a person's life coz that's the time in their lives that they are finding themselves and trying to see what it is they are really made of and for..
i'm tired!! and i want it to stop now..
i need to know what i'm destined for and i need to feel that i'm living 'it'..
i wanna know where my passions lye..

i'm kinda like (i say 'kinda like' coz i'm a bit ashamed to say it in a way) anyway, i'm kinda like crazy about food.. i love food, i enjoy food.. just watching it, eating it is even better.. yet at the same time i'm not really a food person..
*see what i'm talking about?.. i am seriously confused!* if not going nuts!!
i'm not sure if i made it up or if it is true.. but working in the food and beverage department has always been great.. and i enjoy it a lot.. to the point where i actually 'felt' it's where i need to be.. that that's where my flava is..
and you wont believe it but sometimes walking into or passed the kitchen area i actually envy the guy in there.. and i wish i was there with them..

between the two internship periods that i had in school, god, i enjoyed the first one.. it was december 2004 until end of May 2005..although i actually pushed it longer until Anne had to drag me out of there coz they weren't gonna go back to Durban for me again.. i was so happy there, it was actually the first time i realised that even "i" could gain weight.. but i loved it coz i'm used to being skiny and all.. and now it was a different feel.. i showed in my jeans or shorts and my hips feeling nice and rounded against my favourite skirts.. now that was a time in my life..
my training was supposed to have been in all the hotel departments and due to shortage of staff in the kitchen i was rather stuck there.. i worked in pastry.. enjoyed it a bit.. went into the cold kitchen (salads and stuff) and that was alright.. but the moment i hit the hot kitchen i did not wana go anywhere else.. i was cooking up a storm. and although the guys felt they needed to protect me and stuff since i was so lekker tiny.. still am.. anyway, always surprised them when they noticed what i could do.. yeah.. and i'll admit, i'm rather not cautious in the kitchen so alot of times you would think i was gonna burn myself using my hands over a hot stove or brake my neck carrying a large tray full of stuff to be used for the shift.. i cleaned fish from scratch, lifting those heavy fresh from the ocean bodies out of the ice and onto the table so i could work on them.. without being taught i was able to portion fillets in 'almost' the same exact grams as were needed (sure, with more practice i would have been a pro! ) but that's the least of it..

i enjoyed every minute of it.. the rush and everything.. oh, and i used to be the sole taster for any little nitty gritty sweet thingie our favourite chef used to put together - testing and stuff.. no wonder i gained weight!! haha... and i loved the biscuits i was only happy to go help in the pastry section coz baking them meant i had a hand in eating them. haha.. and our chef was a great guy, i loved and so enjoyed working with him.. and he didn't have a problem with his staff.. i learned so much from him.. that kitchen was a family..
i miss Beverly Hills..

anyhow, back to the main point.. is hospitality even the career i should have taken in the first place?.. i always tell everybody when they ask that i chose to do hospitality because it was the only thing i knew how to do.. (i kinda like grew up in a hotel environment so.. kinda like 'figures!' hey?..)
anyhow, honestly it was the only thing i knew, or was confident in taking on.. everything else was a blur.. especially since my grades in biology dropped drastically in matric.. innitially apart from languages, i wanted to be a biomedical something.. not engineer though.. looked boring.. anyway,(new teacher, no vibe, lose interest that kind of thing..) yeah, it happened to me. i was GOOD in biology.. like very good, and i loved it.. since i only took maths till grade 10, i was willing to work at it a whole year after my matric to cover up so i could be able to apply in University to study it.. but, my teacher - favourite teacher for that matter, left to get married and we were left with someone else who didn't really have interest in the subject.. she was just teaching.. guess that didn't work for me!

well, days gone by.. i wish i could say i need a , but nah.. wishful thinking!
anyhow, i want to go to Australia..
i think i wanna live and settle in Australia.. i kinda like have a pool towards it, i don't know.
but do what there?!.. the same career i'm doing here?.. that would be nice.. i do love this industry..
other than that i wanted to go back to school and take up financing/accounting.. here we go again.. good with numbers yet bad with numbers. haha.. *i'm good at this hey?!*.. does maths even fall under the category of numbers? hmmm..
as for languages, that i thought of doing part-time, kinda like a hobby or something.. and i love literature.. you know when you have this deep but hidden way under love for something?..yet you don't consider it because.. i don't know, maybe coz i don't know what i could do with it??..

anyway, i'm just babbling and i don't see an answer coming forward.. or is it?.. man! i could be so at times.. why am i so slow?.. really?!..

somebody just me?!..