Blacktear!

for a while though..

ciao!

Is it ever ok to be selfish?.. I take back my dislike to selfish people.. i guess they got their reasons just as much as im starting to see mine. And i'm not talking about selfish of oneself; you don't get that?.. don't worry, i wont explain. hehe.. it's just my motto.. or so i think.. some people kinda got wierd/lame 'or can i say: Cliche!!' motto's or whatever they call them.
Ok, i got one.. my motto in life is to be selfish for me. it may sound nasty or make me look like a selfish person but i promise i'm not:D ...and i'm not explaining if you're at loss.

Anyhow, right now i feel i need to be selfish of my knowledge a bit.. reason being that you come across people who make it a point to take credit where it's not due to them.. benefit from your efforts, or should i say use you to place themselves under the shining lights ready for take 1 - enthusiasm and all. well, it feels like i'm on take 35 and it's exhosting, tiring and stressful.
I happened to ask myself a question just now.. why do ppl if not I, have such good hearts.. and you find that that is exactly what works against you - being good. Truth be told, i'm not one of the good and i actually wonder if i'll be let into heaven at first go and only after a moment of thought:D yeah.. i can be quite bad, that's why i sometimes happen to warn ppl not to get too familier with me:jester: it's funny but i have so many ppl at arm's length that i wonder how many am i actually kidding.. and if i'm kidding any at all.

The topic was to be about selfishness and my desire to be selfish a bit, and as often.. i change the topic to many other topics before the night is young..
anyhow.. i like learning and i like helping people that do wanna learn, what i dispise and that actually makes me mad, is when others take of your knowledge to... oh nevermind. i'm actually being stupid getting myself worked up over this but it so happens to be the case.
I've spoken to a few people and have felt a bit of relief to letting go.. but i also worry that i may have spoken to the wrong ppl.. ppl that can't be confided in. well, i don't really trust anyone around me anymore..
just as well, my boss was here this morning and yet again asked me about going home. i've been sick of hearing that already and so told him i'm busy and will go when i feel like it. it didn't however come out rude at all - afterall, i am a very humble lady

so, what i'm gonna do is let go and let live, let those that take take......... what?.. bulla**, not a chance. As much as i love and respect the Lord and his laws; he helps those who help themselves, and as long as he's guiding.. i'll be walking

I think it's time i really pay attention! i've had so many slaps in the face.. over and over and yet i forgave, counted on the good in people and let go.. even try to forget the injustices. Vain. No more. from today, or should i say this moment on..i trust no one but myself.. i am my own person anyway so why share that with anyone?.. why have i opened myself up to trust in people?.. I knew from a young age that people can never be trusted - especially family, but in hope of a happier life i let go and opened myself up..

You can never trust people.. a human being - and that i learned for sure today. The little i had in me to trust and believe in the good of people is gone! It is bullshit; as long as they get what they want people will go to all lengths.. even lie to your face - 'my word against yours!'.. i don't believe this.
incase you're wondering.. i had a case today. and yes ofcoz i did win it (i've always wondered.. could i have made a good lawyer? or anything within that criteria..my tendency to analyse situations, sentenses and even words spoken.. apart from wanting to study Biomedical Technology after my matric, my other option was to study law.. my guardian mother thought i was too quiet and couldn't make it) but that's not the issue here.. just that people are pure deamons.

My situation
right now i live in a new town, with new people - everything new, away from anything and everything.. away from all my friends and those i consider family.. all contact i have with anyone i knew befor now is by internet, or phone calls. anyhow, as a person you try to make friends and make your surrounding a bit familiar to you.. i did, i even got myself a dog which got killed:cry: again.. thinking you are safe and can settle down.. i really don't know how long i can stay in this place. from the past month i have been having whiffs of death.. all around me seems to be lurking in the open death.. and yes i have thought i am paranoid, but i doubt it.. something is up. my dog got killed, i got into an accident, i missed a huge accident by 15min.. and if you think about it you wonder - had i not taken so much time freshning up and drinking a glass of water and blablabla.. all things i never care to do before i went anywhere.. and then for some reason; i have been feeling death quite close by, if not around me. what is going on?..
i went to the cinema last night and i couldn't relax, the whole time the idea of death wasn't far from my head - i even thought last night was the night i was to die.. the drive back as well.. pardon the reflection: 'be careful what you ask for!' my entire life until maybe when i turned 20; i was always asking.. praying in tears that i could die.. although i stoped the whole craziness, it's there sometimes.. the feeling and hope that you could die. well, that's me, and last night all this came back to me.. especially: 'be careful what you ask for, coz in many situations that's exactly what you get' My training chef when i was doing my 2nd year practicals/internship said that to me.. funny, in the past days i've even thought of finally writing down somewhere so my sisters know not to bury me but incrimate me.. it's silly i know.. but i can't help wondering.. is it natural?.. anyway, it was raining last night(hoped aloud that my guardian angel was with me - that being my father.)..

i have gotten so afraid; and i'm not one for fear.. i don't step outside anymore once it's dark, i second guess eating food 'some' people make for me.. i'm not comfortable being alone, i don't even trust leaving my door open..let alone during the day. and i sleep so light as well.. one screech and i'm awake.
i know it sounds silly.. but it's totally not me! that's why i'm question all this, it's not me.

i'm starting to wonder should i be here?.. and if not?.. why am i here?..

i'll tell you a little secret.. i wanted to go to Canada, had even found a job there.. but my guardians stopped me coz they didn't understand why i would wanna go so far away, and even thought i was running away from something - not far off the bullseye about running away but thing is, i just wanted to get away. and although i promised i'm over with the whole abroad thing.. i'm not. i want to travel.. the one dream i can't supress.. not yet anyway.
i really wish i had a fairy god-mother.. someoen that would give me answers, and maybe tell me what the next step is to be.. i could really use a little bit of that thank you - some sort of guidance.
i have never really felt like an orphan before.. but recently i do

Is it a song in my ear i hear
or is my hand thirsty for soul

Is it my head the load i bear
or are the cries of little birds tears that dry my face
Clap little child, smile for the sun
the brilliance that drains you to joy
Clap little child, and sing to the moon
breathe...

Is it sweetness the take of my tears
or is happiness sister to dry corn fields

Is it laughter that just touched my heart
or is my body laugher to the wind
Clap little child, reach for the trees
the life in life that breeds life
Clap little child, and hold on
breathe...

they glaze and it's rain the valley before me
why cry, when the heart is so of pure
why shiver, in the embrace of your warmth
was that a yearning for a voice - the song i heard
Praise.. Worship.. lift to the heavens
and breathe..
drench and i drench with you - more of it
the sound tantalizing the stillness in the wind
blowing, vibrating with sound..
breathe.. little child