Blcktear !

Still sitting at the office.. work load all around me and in my head and i just needed a breather so i thought:.. hmm.. why not email some friends, see how they are and all.. and oh yeah.. Opera.. why don't i write something on Opera..

Well.. it's been a good day, busy, but still good.. only managed to have lunch at 4 in the afternoon when i couldn't ignore the feeling of 'hungry' all around my head anymore. hehe..
sent someone out to buy me lunch.. oh actually.. i didn't have any money in my wallet today except for 10 bucks which i would use for transport to get home..
but even with that i thought.. ag man, just leave it.. usually works.. but not today.. couldn't focus anymore and i was getting a little edgy.. haha.. anyhow, payday wasn't too long ago and i just hadn't given myself time to get cash in my purse.. so i asked this guy to loan me whatever it is to cost him to buy me lunch and i can pay him back.. yippeee.. no biggy, done deal..

and wow.. what lovely lunch it was.. i never knew there were people that still went the extra mile in what they do.. man, this was some crazy thanks-giving type of S$%*&t..
I ate until i could feel my belly bulging out with all my stuffing myself.. oh no.. wasn't gona let any of that good meal go to waste.. i'd be silly!!!
And i ate.. same time i'm sitting there praying that my boss doesnt come looking for me coz i sure didn't wanna put the plate of food out of my sight.. or mouth for that matter!!.. 'sigh..............' thankfully, i wasn't bothered and i ate everything.. and hightlight 'everything'.. on that plate.. was good.. gooooooood i say..
well well.. guess i did have quite a bit to say today then hey?.... me now needs to get back to work!!..

and tomorrow is work again.. for me out of the whole office.. why did i have to be such a miss goody goody two shoes to choose to come to work tomorrow when it's the only Saturday in the month i would be getting off?.. hm?.. dumb ass!! yep.. that's what i am!!.. i find it too boring at home alone so i'd rather spend my time at the office.. ofcoz, there is work to be done, and i am doing it.. infact, for some funny reason.. there is really so much now to do at the office than i can remember.. 'WHERE DID IT ALL COME FROM???'.. but anyway, keeps me entertained i guess, and i'm happy with it so yeah.. 'BRING IT ON!!'.. Just hope the end of this thrill is not to find myself flat on my ass from exhaustion.. how do u spell that again?.. 'exhaustion..' is that right?.. agh who cares!!..

One thing i know now and see is that.. how ever much i could wanna complain about my life not being perfect?.. or not having as much as i wish to have that others do have - the sweet comforts of life, mine isn't too bad afterall.. infact, it is perfect in IT'S OWN WAY!!
There is so much going on and so many good things in my life and about my life that i really have no need to complain or stress.
yeah.. i know.. total change of topic.. all new
just that although i think i'm alright, i'm not so sure.. if i really think about it.. i'm getting that twinkling thing in my head that says i shouldn't be pushing myself so hard.. and what for?.. my exact point!!.. i should go off duty and go home.. but i'm first at the office and very much last out of here too.. hope that's normal.. it sure isn't natural..
well, let me enjoy it while i can..

getting a bit of a headache.. must get back to work and finish up.. for tonight..
get home, and get into bed.. got an early start tomorrow.

In this time and space.. where am i?..
the hands so soft, firm without concealing their vulnerability..
where is the mat of hair that so delicately brushed my face,
dancing in the wind to touch a speck of moisture in my eye..
where are the nails on fingertip so delicate,
the strong branches to the root of life..
here now, thats my palms i talk about.
The true and massive honour of devotion.
tingling my nostrils now is the beautiful scent of honeysuckle.
mmmh, mmmh, mmmh!.. .. although its stil a mystery..
where am i now..? in this big big world..
so big and so small it rarely boots you upright when you slump.
mmm, mmm, mmm..! deinty it is in its diligence i see.
The fun prints its at the end though, where all is beautiful
and charming and arouses a new bright beginning joyous in its heart
and life powering merry.. only it is at the end.. and
thats where it only starts.. yes, thats where it only begins..
hands so delicately strong, and manicured mind you, haha..
yes, it is where we deem final that we only begin..
and somewhere in there is where i am.. somewhere in there,
although hidden from the world, is me. strong and bursting with life..
its with that same irritation in my eye that i saw clearer,
brighter and broad.. mmm..
now the theory isnt where i am,
i am in the scent and abundant smell of honeysuckle,
in the distant noices around me,
in my favourite tune of ancient celtic..
mmh, the beauty, the abundance, the light and breath mingle
with fresh moist soil..
i am in the music that fills my heart,
in the words that treasure and guide my soul..
clap, heavenly skies, and shine the smile so broad
with closed eyes tilted to ur warmth..
In this time and space, i find my true joy..
ever so bright, so full.
it is so, for my heart is still...

I've experienced so many emotions today.
My mind has been a whirl wind.. deeply detached from my being..
Today i have experienced joy and delight,
I experienced laughter, sadness, happiness, drive and determination,
Comfort and distort.. all strong in each.
today i experienced what i believe to be what most experience
when at the end of their tether.
Today i took the first one, then the next,
but it was ok coz when i got them my docter had prescriped that
i take two each night until they were finished..
but i hadn't finished them then, and today i went straight for them..
after having doubled the dose on my other liquid med i had gotten over the counter a while ago.
this was too sweet, !!
took my glass of cold water, the the sachet that holds the pills
and went to the bathroom for a number 2 (tongue in cheek, wouldn't u say?)
anyway i took another, and another, and another, from the 8 that were left i had 3 to go..
and i still took the next one, and the next.. and the next..
it was calm, i felt calm and i wanted more with each one i swallowed,
too bad i never made it a habit to keep pills in the house
and i was thinking to get more at a pharmacy tomorrow.
I don't know what effect this ones i just took are gonna have on me,
guess i'll find out later..

I'm thinking i am stupid.. for having taken those pills
for the whole way i felt when i was taking them, one at a time..
but i felt good, at a standstill; no emotion then really,
except the voluntary movement of my hand to my mouth and my throat..
I know it's wrong, and i cannot expect good out of that reaction
but i wasn't expecting anything from them
i just took them, and would have carried on had i not run short
I don't know..

it's the only planet with chocolate..

It's in the fear i let myself wade
the unconscious distraction to a soul
reasons and explanations i had
yet non rang true to the fear in my heart
i try to protect the ones i love
only to find i push them away
i am silenced, from my own disturbed thinking
and wish to live life as simple as i can
but i've pushed away my closest and dearest
i have hurt his heart and maybe closed it to myself
will he allow me in again
will he believe and trust in my words again
will he forgive, and take me back into his arms
do i have refuge in his heart
or have i destroyed the love i had
how do i tell him i'm sorry, when i have spoken those words so many times
do i get a chance to right what i have done wrong
and where do i start in doing so
i have been wrong in believing i can live alone
and he has been with me along it all
i have tried everyday, to pull myself from sleep
because i knew life in him
how do i say i'm sorry, when the words will probably not ring true to his ear
how do i apologize, for my imperfections
how do i say i'm sorry, for being selfish and stupid
how do i apologize, for breaking his heart
it was in the fear, that i let myself wade
and i am still scared, of what tomorrow bares
yet if one thing, i do not want to be alone through it
i do not want to be alone tomorrow, today
and only one person do i trust with my life
only one person do i trust with my insecurities and helplessness
do i still have a way into his heart
or have i shut myself out
and is it for now while he aches or is it forever
how do i say i'm sorry
and how do i ask for his hand back in mine
how do i say i'm sorry, today
what do i say to him