Blacktear!

I think it's time i really pay attention! i've had so many slaps in the face.. over and over and yet i forgave, counted on the good in people and let go.. even try to forget the injustices. Vain. No more. from today, or should i say this moment on..i trust no one but myself.. i am my own person anyway so why share that with anyone?.. why have i opened myself up to trust in people?.. I knew from a young age that people can never be trusted - especially family, but in hope of a happier life i let go and opened myself up..

You can never trust people.. a human being - and that i learned for sure today. The little i had in me to trust and believe in the good of people is gone! It is bullshit; as long as they get what they want people will go to all lengths.. even lie to your face - 'my word against yours!'.. i don't believe this.
incase you're wondering.. i had a case today. and yes ofcoz i did win it (i've always wondered.. could i have made a good lawyer? or anything within that criteria..my tendency to analyse situations, sentenses and even words spoken.. apart from wanting to study Biomedical Technology after my matric, my other option was to study law.. my guardian mother thought i was too quiet and couldn't make it) but that's not the issue here.. just that people are pure deamons.

My situation
right now i live in a new town, with new people - everything new, away from anything and everything.. away from all my friends and those i consider family.. all contact i have with anyone i knew befor now is by internet, or phone calls. anyhow, as a person you try to make friends and make your surrounding a bit familiar to you.. i did, i even got myself a dog which got killed:cry: again.. thinking you are safe and can settle down.. i really don't know how long i can stay in this place. from the past month i have been having whiffs of death.. all around me seems to be lurking in the open death.. and yes i have thought i am paranoid, but i doubt it.. something is up. my dog got killed, i got into an accident, i missed a huge accident by 15min.. and if you think about it you wonder - had i not taken so much time freshning up and drinking a glass of water and blablabla.. all things i never care to do before i went anywhere.. and then for some reason; i have been feeling death quite close by, if not around me. what is going on?..
i went to the cinema last night and i couldn't relax, the whole time the idea of death wasn't far from my head - i even thought last night was the night i was to die.. the drive back as well.. pardon the reflection: 'be careful what you ask for!' my entire life until maybe when i turned 20; i was always asking.. praying in tears that i could die.. although i stoped the whole craziness, it's there sometimes.. the feeling and hope that you could die. well, that's me, and last night all this came back to me.. especially: 'be careful what you ask for, coz in many situations that's exactly what you get' My training chef when i was doing my 2nd year practicals/internship said that to me.. funny, in the past days i've even thought of finally writing down somewhere so my sisters know not to bury me but incrimate me.. it's silly i know.. but i can't help wondering.. is it natural?.. anyway, it was raining last night(hoped aloud that my guardian angel was with me - that being my father.)..

i have gotten so afraid; and i'm not one for fear.. i don't step outside anymore once it's dark, i second guess eating food 'some' people make for me.. i'm not comfortable being alone, i don't even trust leaving my door open..let alone during the day. and i sleep so light as well.. one screech and i'm awake.
i know it sounds silly.. but it's totally not me! that's why i'm question all this, it's not me.

i'm starting to wonder should i be here?.. and if not?.. why am i here?..

i'll tell you a little secret.. i wanted to go to Canada, had even found a job there.. but my guardians stopped me coz they didn't understand why i would wanna go so far away, and even thought i was running away from something - not far off the bullseye about running away but thing is, i just wanted to get away. and although i promised i'm over with the whole abroad thing.. i'm not. i want to travel.. the one dream i can't supress.. not yet anyway.
i really wish i had a fairy god-mother.. someoen that would give me answers, and maybe tell me what the next step is to be.. i could really use a little bit of that thank you - some sort of guidance.
i have never really felt like an orphan before.. but recently i do