Blacktear!

I have questioned myself many times.. and then i concluded i'm just crazy. I don't think that's it, i think there's really more to me than meets the eye.
some have named it 'mpd' (multiple personalities disorder), i think i might have that..
i think there is two of me.. the me that is recless and without fear, that doesn't care or allow emotion to the heart. the me that has helped me learn to stand up for myself, do the things i wanna do; the me that has held my back all this time.
and then there is the other me.. that wants to be normal.
most of the time i am me.. light hearted and happy, take one day at a time, no worry..and then some other times the other me just takes charge without my knowing. no, i do know, but while the two sides fight to win, guess which one wins..

This is what happened this morning around 10 in the morning. i had an accident.. a car accident; i saw it coming but instead of slowing down and going into it easy, i pushed to take the corner full on. took a couple of heavy bumps and landed into a ditch. Yes, and i was alert the whole time. My intention was to get the car to a stop and that's what i focussed on. It came to a stop and i made sure the lady i was driving with was ok. she was, had just lightly scraped her forehead - although the windscreen had a hole in it . Stepped out of the car to let the guy that stopped know that we were ok and just need help getting out of there. I didnt catch his name but he was very helpful.

Anyhow, apart from all this.. this is exactly what i mean. Instead of crying that we could have died, i cried because i wasn't feeling what i should be feeling..(whatever that is!) and this was about 3 hours after the accident and waiting for my mum to answer her phone so i could tell her.. i was worried she was gonna be dissappointed when she heard all this. anyhow, the only feeling i had was a bit of guilt, that i could have hurt someone and that feeling sucks. I couldn't drive back with Linnah incase she was shaken and afraid, so i asked the gentlemen to drive with her since he was going our way. And as i drove back in the ruined car, i couldn't help but question the calmness i was in, the relaxed state i handled everything and how i wasn't feeling what i should be feeling.. my mom said i should take something to ease and relax my body and unfortunately i don't keep any pills or medication - too bad! she said my body was gonna tense up because of the shock.. and axcept for my hurt shaulder, i'm perfectly fine. And again that's why i ask the questions i ask.

I did the same thing last year January; the other me, recless and without fear.. did what most would regret.. but i felt i had nothing to regret. An experience. Am i taking this whole experience thing too far?.. or have i just been lying to myself - to keep from the truth. And what is the truth. What is humankind made of?.. Are we one or does everyone have a second self in them?.. I thought i might find answers in astrology.. i haven't really gone to see one but reading on my starsign and that hasn't helped me figure out anything.. even the answers to the dreams i might have.. of which for some reason, i don't dream much. It's very rare that i dream and most of the time it's about normal things.. nothing ackward to them. my boyfriend, ..myself, and nothing much really. the last ackward dream i had involved my father - who died, my boyfriend's father, who aswell is beyond the grave and my boyfriend and me. I'm not gonna state the details; it was sometime last year and i thought it was crazy. I dont know his father, haven't seen his picture.. but in the dream i knew it was him. And for some reason i've felt it ment something.

Anyway, i think i'm begining to be scared of myself. I'm not sure i can really trust myself with me. I don't know how that is going to work but..
My life is wierd.. I'm wierd. but i need to know what is going on, I need to know.
At one stage in my life i wanted to be pilot - my best way to travel the world:happy: but when i looked fully at myself.. i knew i couldn't do it, i couldn't risk people's lives like that; same as a doctor. And the profession i'm in right now?.. it's the safest anyone could pick. When i was doing my 2nd year internship in Durban - Umhlanga Rocks, my supervisor wrote in my report: No regard to safety when it comes to herself. unquote. He could see it, i knew it but didn't take much attention to it.. and now, with what happened today, and thinking of what i did last year.. I have many times blindely crossed the road only to stop right before i get hit.. at one time i wasn't even aware that i was crossing the road and one of my friends pulled me back.. I seem to go into some sort of sleep mode i don't understand. Anyhow, he was right. And i need to know why!!