Blcktear !

i feel like an empty tin right now..

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!!

i wish someone could help..
i have many times questioned myself on the choice of career i chose.. and i always end up making excuses which sound to me like reasonable facts which should mean something.. hehe..
I read somewhere that the 20's is a very bad period in a person's life coz that's the time in their lives that they are finding themselves and trying to see what it is they are really made of and for..
i'm tired!! and i want it to stop now..
i need to know what i'm destined for and i need to feel that i'm living 'it'..
i wanna know where my passions lye..

i'm kinda like (i say 'kinda like' coz i'm a bit ashamed to say it in a way) anyway, i'm kinda like crazy about food.. i love food, i enjoy food.. just watching it, eating it is even better.. yet at the same time i'm not really a food person..
*see what i'm talking about?.. i am seriously confused!* if not going nuts!!
i'm not sure if i made it up or if it is true.. but working in the food and beverage department has always been great.. and i enjoy it a lot.. to the point where i actually 'felt' it's where i need to be.. that that's where my flava is..
and you wont believe it but sometimes walking into or passed the kitchen area i actually envy the guy in there.. and i wish i was there with them..

between the two internship periods that i had in school, god, i enjoyed the first one.. it was december 2004 until end of May 2005..although i actually pushed it longer until Anne had to drag me out of there coz they weren't gonna go back to Durban for me again.. i was so happy there, it was actually the first time i realised that even "i" could gain weight.. but i loved it coz i'm used to being skiny and all.. and now it was a different feel.. i showed in my jeans or shorts and my hips feeling nice and rounded against my favourite skirts.. now that was a time in my life..
my training was supposed to have been in all the hotel departments and due to shortage of staff in the kitchen i was rather stuck there.. i worked in pastry.. enjoyed it a bit.. went into the cold kitchen (salads and stuff) and that was alright.. but the moment i hit the hot kitchen i did not wana go anywhere else.. i was cooking up a storm. and although the guys felt they needed to protect me and stuff since i was so lekker tiny.. still am.. anyway, always surprised them when they noticed what i could do.. yeah.. and i'll admit, i'm rather not cautious in the kitchen so alot of times you would think i was gonna burn myself using my hands over a hot stove or brake my neck carrying a large tray full of stuff to be used for the shift.. i cleaned fish from scratch, lifting those heavy fresh from the ocean bodies out of the ice and onto the table so i could work on them.. without being taught i was able to portion fillets in 'almost' the same exact grams as were needed (sure, with more practice i would have been a pro! ) but that's the least of it..

i enjoyed every minute of it.. the rush and everything.. oh, and i used to be the sole taster for any little nitty gritty sweet thingie our favourite chef used to put together - testing and stuff.. no wonder i gained weight!! haha... and i loved the biscuits i was only happy to go help in the pastry section coz baking them meant i had a hand in eating them. haha.. and our chef was a great guy, i loved and so enjoyed working with him.. and he didn't have a problem with his staff.. i learned so much from him.. that kitchen was a family..
i miss Beverly Hills..

anyhow, back to the main point.. is hospitality even the career i should have taken in the first place?.. i always tell everybody when they ask that i chose to do hospitality because it was the only thing i knew how to do.. (i kinda like grew up in a hotel environment so.. kinda like 'figures!' hey?..)
anyhow, honestly it was the only thing i knew, or was confident in taking on.. everything else was a blur.. especially since my grades in biology dropped drastically in matric.. innitially apart from languages, i wanted to be a biomedical something.. not engineer though.. looked boring.. anyway,(new teacher, no vibe, lose interest that kind of thing..) yeah, it happened to me. i was GOOD in biology.. like very good, and i loved it.. since i only took maths till grade 10, i was willing to work at it a whole year after my matric to cover up so i could be able to apply in University to study it.. but, my teacher - favourite teacher for that matter, left to get married and we were left with someone else who didn't really have interest in the subject.. she was just teaching.. guess that didn't work for me!

well, days gone by.. i wish i could say i need a , but nah.. wishful thinking!
anyhow, i want to go to Australia..
i think i wanna live and settle in Australia.. i kinda like have a pool towards it, i don't know.
but do what there?!.. the same career i'm doing here?.. that would be nice.. i do love this industry..
other than that i wanted to go back to school and take up financing/accounting.. here we go again.. good with numbers yet bad with numbers. haha.. *i'm good at this hey?!*.. does maths even fall under the category of numbers? hmmm..
as for languages, that i thought of doing part-time, kinda like a hobby or something.. and i love literature.. you know when you have this deep but hidden way under love for something?..yet you don't consider it because.. i don't know, maybe coz i don't know what i could do with it??..

anyway, i'm just babbling and i don't see an answer coming forward.. or is it?.. man! i could be so at times.. why am i so slow?.. really?!..

somebody just me?!..