Friday, 2. May 2008, 23:45:58
You're right - it's 1 am and I can't sleep. I should read a book or stare out the window... but today my head won't stand still. I'm finding it hard to sit down and just think of nothing... to settle my thoughts down... so falling asleep is like a million miles away frome the playground my mind is taking place.
SO what to do? I thought of reading. I've got this english book lying in front of me. Love is a four letter word. Again one of those romantic novells that tell you how to get along with being a single or how to loose your man in a dramatic way, just to gain him back in an even more dramatic way. It sounds absurd, but it works - I love them! Simple can't get away from reading such books. Maybe it's just because I usually have to drive 2 hours per day in a train. You just sit there and have nothing to do, so you read. 
Right now I don't want to read. God knows why but I tried it. I read 4 lines till I realized that this isn't what's going to make me fall asleep tonight. I've got too much of my own stuff running across my mind and there is no book that can make those thoghts go away. Still the title of the book is the perfect headline for my thoughts.
.. Love is a four letter word.
Is it that simple? I mean, what is love? Technically I do love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. I love my family, but that doesn't mean I can be arround them all the time. Most of the time I'm at home I ralize that they do need help and that I do need a dozen of aspirins or the help is just going to be a slap in the face. But I do love them from the bottom of my heart. I love my friends. Allthough we're totally different sometimes... so different that it can come close to the family-love-case... I love being arround them, but I want to kill them after more than 10 hours. No offence, it's just exhausting to love somebody so much 
!
It doesn't matter which form of love it is and towards whom - it's always complicated. Two days before a huge weight fell off my shoulders. I was so insecure before and had a lot of weird stuff running through my mind keeping me from being myself and enjoy. Then it fell off. As I said, I was given a huge proof of love. It wasn't meant as a proof and I wasn't forcing to get it. It just happened this way. And after those 5 days I couldn't have asked for more dedication. Well, as you might imagine the dedication shut my headaches down. Now I feel free... I know that if there's something I can do to make this NOT work out, this would be worry arround. It'll not make our time better and it'll not prevent from anything. So I'm fine. But today... well, I don't know if I did or said something wrong, but I'm just being passed beside. I guess we all have our bad mood days for some reason. 
Not that this is going to trouble the whole peace and love mood I'm in... but hey!!! This musn't happen right now. Not right now where I'm just happy that this weight fell off. Not right now where I somehow feel that if there'll ever be something to tear us appart, there is not a shit I can do about it... and that I should just make the best of it. Enjoy the great partner I have and stop making a fuss every time I feel that something might be coming. Okay, I was right sometimes... but I was also wrong someother. So what good did I do? I trust him! I mean, of course, the internet and the whole fucking world is full of great girls! Full of pretty faces, hot bodies and somehow not too dumb heads.. but what can I do about it? Shut him up on an tropical hidden island?
... wait.. that'll be a great szene.. him & me on that island... with a bottle of rum and coconuts. Wait, I don't like rum! So back to reality.
Today women do compete with the rest of the world. There is the world wide web, studivz (german webside similar to facebook), the whole university, the city and a bunch of crazy exgirlfriends just waiting to bite your arse if you don't take care of what you got. But taking care shouldn't mean hiding away. Taking care should simply mean treading him good and being yourself. If that doesn't suffice then it wasn't meant to be.
But I do hate this competition... my hair always does what it wants - which is obviosly the total apposite from what I've got in mind. My boody... well it's not bad. but as I said there are a lot greater ones arround here. My clothing... it's not like I'm not fashionable... but I'm not a master of being things that are totally fashion and can be combined. So my wardrobe is not the cabinett of horrors but it either is a ballroom. It works - just that! My make-up... I loose my patience (in a normal situation like going to university etc) after 5 minutes. There's not much that can be done in 5 minutes. You jsut stop looking like Shrek but you'll not pass as Paris Hilton or Liz Hurley either. I make a good average... 
So as I said, even though I compete with all this fashionable smart pretty and sexy girls - what am I supposed to change? Nothing. This average girl is just me. It's the person I became after a lot of decisions and epxeriences and I don't know how to be someone else. And if this was enough to get this lovely guy.. then it'll hopefully be enough to keep it for some good time.
That is something that every girl at least a little secure of herself should think about relationships and selfrespect. But every new partner challenges that point of view.. I think I won this tiny challenge. It wasn't a fight against the rest of the world.. more like a fight with my self, with old experiences crawling up my back. I sent them far away, together with some figures of the past that should no longer make part of my thoughts. They sticked with me wuite long this time. I don't have the slightest cue why... they were just there and glued to my feed and something big inside of me had to happen to make them go.
Now they're gone.
I know, It's almost 2 am now and I should really sleep.. but as always late at night I just started and all this came out... and now I feel at least a little tired. Maybe I start to read the book now that my own thoughts are quiet (compared to one hour ago). Before I go I've got to excuse my self for all those gramatical mistakes. As I siad it's 2 am... ^^ my hands are not always typing exactly what my head thinks. Good night !
Tuesday, 22. April 2008, 10:52:58
I'm sitting in the computer-room of my university... trying to make time pass. I have a book with me, I have a computer with the world wide web in front of me... and still time isn't passing by fast enough. The reason might be that I can't wait to be with my baby again. I love to sleep while he is working. God knows why but I just love it. I hear him tiping on his Computer or laptop, the music from his headset coming through just a little bit and from time to time his own voice signing or cursing over some web-related program. I know, that sounds kind of childish and overromantic, but HEY! I'm in love.
So back to the beginning: Here I am on my little fight against time. But till know I'm doing pretty fine. The problem about spending one hour doing nothing is, you start to thing about life, your last days, the last month, friends, studies, families. The whole lot. Just because you don't have nothing to do right now. So what am I thinking about?! Well, in the last weeks, there are some things that changed in my life. None of them were of hugde importance for an outstanding person - but they were really importend to me. I gained respect from someone, I thought would probably hate me for destroying a perfect world. I started to see some things as I should see them - as none of my business. Basicly most of these changes happened in respect to one person. A girl. I don't know why I acted like I did when we first met. Maybe I thought I had to get along with her - doesn't matter what it takes. Even if that meant I'd had to let go some of my pride and act like an total idiot... I did it! I was nice, really nice and tried to convice that person, that I wasn't an evil mean girl and that I was adorable. What I did achieve was that she saw me as an awfull person, without an own personality who was capable to adapt to anything, as long as she was accepted and beloved. Well, this was not me. At least not the real me. So we argued... as I always felt this hidden ill-will I just asked her what was going on... and this made a bomb explode. I heard a lot of things that no one would like to hear about himself... but (and I think that's what arguing is all about) I grew with it. I made my point clear and she hers. What happened after this si hard describe. It lost this huge importance for me. This might sound negative, but it wasn't. Suddenly that girl wasn't anymore somebody I wanted to convince of my qualties by any means... she was just a girl. Someone I should get along with, but not somebody I should necessarily love. After I felt this way about her, I was able to be myself. I was able to sit there and let the evening pass, without acting unnatural or forced. And this turned everything to the good. We get along now. Well, we actually not get along... I enjoyed our last "meeting". Still, I do not expect that we'll be best friends. I just learned that you cannot expect such things. They happen. Friendships and any other kind of positive or even negative relation just happen. They're sooner or later be, what they were meant to be in the beginning. And if you try to pull them in a direction they just go to the opposite one. So, I'll see were all of this will end. But anyway, I'm glad. I'm really happy that everything is going so well. I feel that now, the hugs and the greets, they come from the heart. And now it doesn't matter who else has something to do with it all... or who could say something bad about me to her...
I'm happy... I had this on my mind for some time.. and to write it down always seems to clear things up. Not that I've to get clear about being happy.. but just why things went the way they did. As I said, most things will turn out to be, what they were always meant to.
Have a nice day.
Friday, 11. April 2008, 21:11:33
As the titel says: today was my bad hair day! I woke up and stood (in horror) in front of my mirror... this is not my hair... and this is definetly not my face. Well, both were mine and there is no doubt about it... as they stood by me the whole long day. ^^
But about the trainstation... who doesn't like to observe strangers?! I love it. On my way home (1 hour with train) I always observe what's going on arround me. And today I didn't find one person smiling! Not one! They were all looking like the oarticipants of those major quiz-shows when they have to answer the one million dollar question. A mixture of stress, anger, panic and total relief when it's over. But okay.. what can you do in a train?! You can just think about life or read a book about another one's misery.
Ok, or the newspaper.. but that's more common in the morning than during the late afternoons. People tend to be more motivated when it's early... after 17 o'clock you just want to get home.
After observing this.. I kept asking myself what I did look like during my way home. I love to think. I can think over the whole day in those 45-60 minutes and come home much calmer then I left.
But it's almost midnight and I'm dying to sleep...
so see ya later..
Thursday, 10. April 2008, 21:38:50
There are some things I really really really don't understand. I try it.. and for some reason it's almost always the same situation. Still, it always gets me right where it hurts. It's hard when someone changes... from one second to the other.. and you don't know nothing. You don't know the reason and you don't have the slightest idea what remedy this beloved someone needs... so what to do? I'm just watching... I'm observing.. letting it all happen. Allowing it to take me nearer oder further away - like a wave.
Sometimes you can only help in one way- not doing anything. Staying in your corner and waiting. Sometimes you need to give it all a little time... even for your own peace. In Brasil they say- Who doesn't disturb helps alot. Well, they are fucking right! The point is... I know I should wait.. but it's hard because I'm always afraid to do it the wrong way. I try to help.. and the next second I think I screwed up. I think I should be there and help... and when I try to drive along that road.. I get a huge kick in my ass.
Let's hope the best, pray and stay calm... not my strongest attributes but still worth a try.
Tuesday, 13. November 2007, 16:43:44
I found my song during my drive home. Storm from Lifehouse. I think it says everything I'm feeling right now.. or at least a lot of it. It's pretty hard to find a song that matches right now.. because what I'm feeling simply doesn't fit into a song... I could write a book about it with at least 1000 pages.
Today during my way home I started crying... I've been crying a lot lately.. but this time it was different. It felt like throwing up. You know when you feel all dizzy and you know it's going to get better if you would just throw it up? You don't know exactly what is causing you all that trouble, but you're sure puking it out will help it. I just felt this way. I knew that I could just cry it all out. All the bad and the good feeling. Just allow them to pass my mind and admit to myself that I had or have those thoughts. I made my peace with them... at least I think. The rockmusic and somehow the driving just felt great.
I have all the reasons to be happy. More than happy! Something that I thought would never ever happen, just became true! Yippi Ya Yay! But.. I don't know what to feel. Deeply moved, happy, exhausted, impatient, indifferent, undervalued, sad, uncertain... even though everything could turn out right, I still feel like floating on air. Unbelievable high but with nothing holding me up... but a lot of place to fall down.
Just wish me luck, patience, love and strengh to hold on and wait. The hardest part is done.. but still.. we girls want to be conquered... in the middle of a crowed with a dozen of roses and no one to hide or run away from.
Lifehouse - Blind
after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
Lifehouse - Storm
how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head
if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright
I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface
if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
Friday, 9. November 2007, 15:55:52
How many songs have this sentence in their lyrics?! I could name you three... but anyway. My sister had to write an essay about the happiest day of her life. A 15 yea-old girl writing about the happiest day in her life. I had to laugh because there would probably be no happier days! When I think back I jsut remember the happy days. And even the bad days don't seem so bad anymore.. because the problems were easier. They were so innocent and in the end, not of that great importance. The barbiedoll that you wanted on christmas (but got a pair of socks instead). And the day you got your first teeth....
The older you get, the harder it is to be so happy. Our problems get more complicated. And the happy moments are bigger, but on the other side not so safe. We don't want barbiedolls now. We want love, in all forms and ways. We want lovely friends. We want a happy and lovely familylife. We want a man that is lovely, adorable, stable, romantic, indigenuos and so on.
And even if we find that guy... there are still so many other great womens that they could fall for. We keep asking if they love us, need us... when we have love and are happy with it, we get sad because we are scared to loose it.
I have to go...
I finish later.
Sunday, 4. November 2007, 22:04:33
Love is patient and kind, not jealous, not boastful,
not proud, rude or selfish, not easily angered,
and it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not gloat over other people's sins
but takes its delight in the truth.
Love always bears up, always trusts,
always hopes, always endures.
I just thought you might like this. This is the way it should be. This is the way we should feel.
I hope for all, that they might find this in someone.
Good night!
Tuesday, 23. October 2007, 17:20:57
I had my first English lessons in m,y school... and the teacher is great! I really liked her straight ahaed and the first lesson was fine. Our subject: Why do british people love to chat about the weather? I had to laugh really hardly because I remembered my dad tlaking about "Rosamunde Pilcher"-Movies. There is always this great ending by the clliffs.. sunny weather, a smooth wind and not one tiny cloud on the sky (IN ENGLAND!!!!!!!). He always makes jokes about it. They propably have to wait years to have such great weather and then try to record all the endings on one day. Yeah, I really think they could work it out like that.. but I'm not better of here in Germany. Weather is still.. well... it su**s! It is grey.. and humid.
But back to the subject... Why do we like to tlakl about the weather? Well, firast of all, we all have an opinion about it. It's not a subject where you can be right or wrong with you opinion. If you like it cold, fine for you. If you (like myself) would prefer the beach over a cold huge mountain, nobody would blame you for that. So it is a absolute neutral topic. Great as smalltalk-opener. And beside this, especially in England the weather changes every 10 minutes. So you can talk about it easily all the time. So much about the weather and my first English lessons.
So what else can I tell you? There's not much happening. I am still all fuzzy with thoughts running in and out my head. It's not negative, but my dreams are getting more and more freaked out. And I just remember really small parts of them during the day.... Have you already stood in front of someone and suddenly remembered "Hey! I saw YOU NAKED last night!!! Doh, that was a dream!". Believe me, it sounds funny, but it's not. I had this situation twice and had to hold one really hard not to laugh out loud. I can always just recover the persons that were in the dream.. but not exactly what they were doing (or why). This is going on for over one week now. It's better then those suizide-dreams I had over 3 weeks, but still... why is ma dreamworld freaking out like this!!!??? Át least I am sleeping... !
As to my love-life. I don't know if I am the part of this traingle that should cry or laugh. I stopped caring about it some time ago. I putting pleasure on first priority. Why not? I'm 21 now. I had a serious realtionships.. and I got out of them and in of them exactly at the moments I should. I cried a lot over guys that did not deserve me, and maybe even turned away more that did. I don't regret one decision I made. They made me what I am now. So why should I brood over my situation now? I'm not the one to decide this, am I?! I have found someone special. Someone I can relie on.. someone that does like me, not love but really like me. And I like him. Over all critical circumstances I will be there for him... and I think the other way around, too. So this is how it's going.. it's just going. It's not my whole hapiness, but it's pretty much a part of it. As my aunt said: "Men are not born for monogamy.. and not for decisions either. That's why god made women - to complete them". I am enjoying this short time we have. I have no idea what the future will bring... but if I had to make a forecast, this would be it:
We will have the time of our lives. We will enjoy this time.. it will fit perfectly like it is doing right now. But, we will get used to this. We will get used to the harmony. We will get used to have each other. And we will stop making efforst to keep it that way. And that's where our ways will fall apart. Not in fight, I think we are just not made to argue. But naturally. Just like we got together, we will move on - naturally. I don't think he will leave her. And I definately don't think he will leave her because of me. But, I like him.. he likes me. Isn't that the most important fact of all?
Big hug!
As I rest against this cold hard wall, will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war had just begun
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again
Will my weakness fall and and now make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I be renewed and find forgiveness by the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again
He took my life into His hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance, is where I'm finally found
That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me,
Oh thank You for my chance to start again
Tuesday, 9. October 2007, 18:19:24
No I never felt this way before... haha. Okay, it really has nothing to do with Dirty Dancing. I'm just fine. I know I've written this over 10 times here and always got back to that kind of depression-mood. But today something great happened. He argued with his girlfriend... and I new they would have this conversation about there future today afternoon. And I really wished them luck for it! I am not tlaking about that: Well, see how you get along assholes and leave me alone!... No, I mean a sincere "I hope you work things out." I hope he'll be happy. And I already realized I am not the one. Or at least if I go for it with my definition. So why should I wish them to end up now? Do I really want a guy that is still sad because of his ex?! And furthermore... do I really want him in that desperated way anymore. No. I like him... I do love him as a friend and I feel attracted to him from time to time. But it's not like my whole hapiness is built upon the shoulders of this 1.63 meter asian guy. It is builöt upon my shoulders... and so is his luck. I spent the whole day smiling and laughing and being happy... so, the worst is over. Really over. I am over it. This feels like birthday and christmas together. I just survived the greatest crush I had and I do really wish him the best. That is so... aaaah. Great.
Another great thing. I can laugh about it. I made jokes about this whole story for half an hour with my best friend. But not mean ones about him or her (just about her name which is in fact really hilarious!) just jokes. This friend has the ability to laugh herself to death aout her own (and my) misery. We went nuts talking about our new center for "self-destruction". We really could give great lessons in turning your lovelife into a biiiiig huge and amazing emotional mess. But we realized that we are also the best to tell you how to get out of this shit without destroying your ego. Unless you want a destroyed ego... we are pretty good in that special subject too.
So before you cry yourself all out, believe me one thing: You will laugh about it. Everybody says this, but it's true. Sooner or later you will see him (or them) and you will laugh from the bottom of your heart. You will thank that guy for all the crazy shit he put you through because you wouldn't be that strong without it... and you wouldn't be laughing right now. Everything will turn out alright. Life is a friggin mess, love is unfair and about 99 % of guys are assholes. But who cares? Go out, have fun, enjoy your life and realize: Life is just as hard and unfair as you let it be.
Have I mentioned that I am feeling great? Oh, and by the way... somebody flirted with me at my school today. And he was really good looking. Another reason to raise my head... I don't look like a completly idiot... I look like a "I even turned arround to see you ass"-idiot. HAHA!
Sunday, 30. September 2007, 21:05:22
I'm back!!!! The family-party yesterday wass really fun. My grandmother was so happy to have us all there. All the kids playing all over the place and the adults telling funny (sometimes dirty) jokes. Ah, and my new cellphone came! I can call my best friends for free. That'S great! I already been getting on everybodys nerves these days. My best half-brazilian friend already said that I was going to have to pay for every minute. But seriously she's been helping me alot. Basicly she helped me knock out that idea oft that perfectly sweet guy. He's not that sweet! No, he is somehow trying to keep me interested in him, although he doesn't want me! She said: "Cutie,it's like keeping a car-parking-place occupied with a bycicle!" I think that metaphore works pretty well for my situation. Another friend laughed at my face and asked if she could punch him for every time he pulled me back to that position I'm in. "I saw you getting over him 3 times. How many times do you want to let him make you fall back again?" How about none?! How great that mathclasses start tomorrow. I could throw up because of all these great things happening to me!
I have a friend that is all optimistic about love. Somehow in his eyes I was always the one person that gave him hope love between men and women could work out. So even during all this time he was all like "It's going to work out honey!". When I just called him and told him the latest happenings he still found a way to win something good out of it. I literally exploded on the telephone. I never used so many ugly words in 2 minutes. Every strong and proud man would have collapsed, if he had to hear this about himself. It even got better when he replied "But maybe your day will come!"... well... I started yelling at him. "Before this day comes I will be elected the first female president of the united states! He will forget me like all the assholes did before! And it doesn't matter how sweet he is, it didn't happen and it will not happen!". We agreed that I was on a good path... but that I should really do something against my temper. Well... I don't think so. My temper in combination with my sarcasm and proud is what is holding me up. It's making me see the funny sides of it.
We latinos love this kind of suffering. We love really deep and emotional... and we get over it the same way. Our temper makes us deliver ourself in one piece to the peson we love, and break her neck if he deceives us. To get over someone you have to understand one fact: He is not an angel! He is a MAN! It doesn't matter what cute things he said or how vulnerable he is. You are too. And you deserve better than this! So to manage this moments of refusal and low selfestemm, latinos apeall to their pride. In the end you let a certain healthy amount of anger and pride grow up in you (especially in reference to that one son of a ... ). With this, you protect yourself from getting into deep again and start over. Have your fun. Live your day.. next your week and soon it'll be your life. You win back every single aspect of it and hold on to it like a treasure. Protecting it from everybody that will do harm to it. Sharing it with those you love. And those you love protect you. I allow myself a certain amount of time during which I can live that whole anger and sadness out entirely. During this time I will bore my friends to death with this subject. Telling them every detail and changing my opinion about it every 10 minutes. After that amount of time, I tell my friends to stop me from talking about it. If I am in a bad mood, I will call them. But they will just cheer me up. The subject is dead. Everything has been said and analyzed and questioned over million of times. One more run will not change a single thing about it.
Although I've gotten over my exlovers and boyfriends in this extreme way, I'm still friends with them. At least with those I want to. So... that's the way it works for me... A lot of unhealthy food and bad expressions really make my day. And in the end: He's just a man! They are all shit. You just pick the one that stinks the less (Quote from my brazilian aunt, she uses it for both: Men and Politicians). Or you become a lesbian. But I heard lovestorys aren't much better on that side of the lake.
So good night and take care folks. Anyway I know it doesn't really matter how I get over it.. but it helps writing it down. Makes part of that whole finding yourself stuff.
Friday, 28. September 2007, 22:01:24
Catch you
You create misery, have your cake and eat it
Take your place in history, and pray we don't repeat it
Call it fate, call it back, call it off, don't call me later
Lay your head in your bed, it's just how you made it
Out off my way I'm running, I'm gonna catch you if I can
Out off my way start running, I'm gonna catch you
It's your day believe it, it's your date with destiny
It's to late to leave it, after all it's your it's your party
Call it luck, call it fate, call me beautiful to my face
Call it out to my to suprise, it’s just how you made it
Out off my way I'm coming, I'm gonna catch you if I can
Out off my way I'm running, I'm gonna catch you if I can
Out off my way start running, I'm gonna catch you
Catch you
Catch you
So a new day began... and went by. As always the night reveals new good sides of your situation and hides some of the ugly parts. This means, I'm getting near the point where I can see them together without thinking about shotguns nad really big knifes. God, am I proud of myself! Well, sarcasm is walking hand-in-hand with my daily thinking these days. Sarcasm safes my day and irony my nights. When I told my best gayfriend about the story and even told him I wished them all of the best... he just laughed and answered "So that's what you try to tell yourself... and now the truth?". "Well.... Ross (from friends) would say - No, he dumped me to hell with him!". We agreed that I would propably carry both thoughts arround with me till I am really over it. But hey, it's better to shout than to cry... and I was so nice till now, that he can't even blame me for it. He dumped me for someone he isn't sure about his feelings anymore and who's family would propaby shoot him in public if they knew he is dating her.... Well, some like the danger. Propably it would just be too easy to date me. Ouch.... my sarcasm is running mad again.. as you can read in the lines above. This is what I do almost all the time: I argue with myself about how to get over him : Anger or kindness.... I'm picking both! Its making me kind of shizophrenic, but at least I have plenty to laugh about myself lately!!
In the end: Live is an a**hole and love his little sister!
Oh yeah, that's deep and in my case totally right!
Thursday, 27. September 2007, 22:08:29
I hate Disney and I can not stand Paris! So much to my "I'm getting ove rit mood". Right now... I'm just angry... mad... well, and relieved. It's over. I know I'm not going to hear from him for almost a week. I know they'll be having a good time. I know it's time for me to work on my own luck. SO it's not him... the next will come and go. But after all that Mother Theresa talk of beeing friends an everything... guys suck! Why the hell did God even invent them? Just to get us women all pissed off from time to time?! There should be some kind of hunting season for assholes and men with severe emotional problems!!!! A good friend of mine just smiled at me last week and said: " Hey sweetie, the best way to get over a guy is to get under another one... and you have no problem in finding someone!". I really thought about that. Seriously someone to help me out a little bit and make me feel good would not be wrong in my disturbed state. But I think this is not the time. This is the time to stand it through alone.. not with anyone but my friends by my side. It's the time to forget about him. To let all of it simply die.. not thinking about what could be or what should be. Letting go in such a situation is always strange. Because you now you're killing every chance of it... you're making your point clear- Even if there is a chance for a new beginning in the future, it's not on me to recognize it anyway. And if it doesn't happen... Sweetie, there a plenty of guys out there. Someday someone will come... and it's your lost if you miss ur chance.
Again I have to remember a part of my book. It talks abou the old times when fathers could decide their daughters marriage. A father would ask: WIll you take care of her? Where are you from? What do you work with? Have you got enough money? What does your family do? A lot of question to make sure this was the right decision. It's not a pitty that this system was thrown away.. but there wasn't established another protection system after it. We stay together for only one reason: Love. It doesn't matter how many reasons speak against it. In my live, I can already count at least 4 times I fell in love totally against all rational reasons... and it all didn't work out. A father in that time would have recognized this fact better then my lovedrunken self and protected me. Even if it was against my will, in the end I would be thankfull for it. So if we don't have that protection system anymore, how can we replace it? Being our own father. Really asking us if that persoon will love us, the was we need it. Not just loving for the fact of love, but protecting ourselves from those who do not deserve us. It is our own job now. Maybe I should care of that issue. It is not my job to convince the guys.. it is there kob to convince me. Well, right now the only thing I'm convinced of is that I really don't want any guy. So okay... I had a change to just write my anger all out and even found space for that typicall message to all the ladies. Right now it is really late... I got his good night message about 2 hours ago and I am not even getting close to tired. Exhausted and pissed off, but not tired. I might just begin to read the book about the brazilian history. I am brazilian and I don't know nothing about it. It's not funny - it's sad! Such a great country with such an overwelming history and I really can't tell you anything about it. So this is my new project. I will learn something about the history of brazil.
Wednesday, 26. September 2007, 17:58:27
Today is my moody day.. again. We had this great goodbye scene at the train station. The weird thing about this: I know it was goodbye for real. I know this were the last kisses. I'm not saying the last for some weeks... I'm talking about the last. I know soon I'll be out of his mind.. vanished away by her. <They are leaving tomorrow to Disneyland Paris. Somehow my inner voice is telling me this is going to be their second spring. You know, when old love cupples somehow find all those lovefeelings again. And everything is like the first day. Even though life would be easier with me and even though strong feelings are there, his decision was to be with her. So in the end, he must really love her. In the end I was just an affair. And in the end he will forget me. In the end I will just be a simple friend and forget him also.
I don't know if some day our time might come. Seriously, I don't think so. Maybe just because I think he will forget me (in that special way) or maybe because life is never the way we plane it. And sooner or later I will put a end to those feelings. They will be put by side for now... and one by one I will get them out my way. So that I can be happy and a friend to him. It would be a shame not to be friends. After all, we got along so well, why through that away? He is not the first.. he propably will not be the last. The world is full of guys ready to screw me up! So Hello here I am!
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I will start to study next week. But I don't want to! There are so many things I would like to do.. and studying is definitly not in first place. But I wanted it that way... 
So good luck for whoever tries this out. 
). Anyway I wish you all a great sunday and an even greater monday (which is almost impossible .. but I give it a try) 
WIDGETIZE