comfortably numb

went for meps and the asvab last friday. scored higher than i needed for MI. everything went well until the routine physical. my stupid ear. i hate it so much. when i was in HS i had a tube put in my right ear because it wasn't draining and pressure was building. tube popped out later, eardrum healed up; bam, it happened again. ENT said he had to put in a "permanent tube." well the past two months i have strained hearing out of this ear. the doctor, because of my medical/surgical history spent extra time looking at this ear......

he couldn't say whether the eardrum was perforated or the tube was still in place. so, i wasn't cleared and couldn't sign my contract on friday. after 6 hours of tests, just had to walk away with my recruiter. now i have a consult set up with their ENT on may 21st. that's when i find out if even the Army rejects me.

i'm scared. this is what i wanted.

every damn time i try to take a step forward in my life, everything goes to shit. i'm pursuing these things to help people, because i want to help people. it's not like i'm trying to become a gun runner. though i bet i'd have an easier time at that...


three of my friends are leaving dc, too. hyej has to go to hong kong because she couldn't get her visa renewed. micah is going back to boston for grad school. and phyllis doesn't like city life and is moving back home to florida. who knows when diana will be back in town. alex is up in the NE working on a campaign.

slowly giving up hope, but i'm too young for that shit. just feels like i'm clinging to unrealistic hopes and futures.

don't mind me, though, i'm just venting aloud. and working at wawa is beginning to really get to me.

shoot me in the face. i just applied to hollywood video in thorndale as a second job.

good god. this is what my life has resorted to.

anyway, free rentals of The Wire? I mean, I have a lot of seasons to catch up on...


My friend/sister's email made me cry today. I miss her. I miss my "family." Counting the months until DC.


Mark isn't giving up on dating me. You'd think he'd get my polite hints. I think I will just have to be straight with the guy- "Hey, I'm in love with someone who fucked me over. I hate men. But I'd love to stay friends?" Yeah, that's some bullshit. "Friends" means "future hope" in people's eyes'. I know because I've been there, and I've known guy "friends" who have thought as much about me before. best to cut ties completely (i.e. The Fuzz but when you work with someone... yeah, impossible).


Well, I think I'll go upstairs, watch a depressing movie and fall asleep. Tomorrow is Day # 8 of 9 (9 hr days) at work. I'd be looking forward to Saturday for the sleep-factor, but I'm waking up Saturday morning to go to a breakfast with Congressman Gerlach. Sunday, perhaps, if I don't force myself up to go to church.

It's been a while I talked to God. For my friends' sake, maybe I should make an appearance.


I'm thinking- "White Squall." That's always a goodie. Or, "Dead Poet's Society." Yes, yes I am in the mood for a coming-of-age movie. "A Bronx Tale" isn't going to cut it tonight, and I have watched "A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints" many many times since I've been in PA.



P.S.- I highly recommend watching "A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints."

Mmkay, peace.

every day, it becomes more and more evident that i need to get out of this state.

yesterday, after work, i went to my boss/michelle's daughter's first birthday party. the other danielle was there and brought two of her daughters. when i got there, danielle started drinking wine, michelle got me a beer. danielle ended up drinking at least 9 full, large wine glasses of pinot grigio. i took care of her two kids all night. by the end of the night, she almost fell over drunk, holding her 16 month old daughter.

it was horrible. i only drank 3 beers over about 5 hours. at one point, michelle was watching me with the two girls, and said "oh my god, you are going to be an awesome mother when you have kids." hahahaha. yeah right.


today at work, jon came in at 3pm and informed me that danielle had drunk-dialed work twice. once around 10:30 pm and then at 11:45 pm. i dropped her off at her place some time around 9:30 pm.

anyway the birthday party was great. michelle's daughter had a pink princess dress on. she was absolutely adorable.


my PA friends, after always talking about how fun and great kegbus sounds, told me today that their "drinking days" are over. mind you, they are 21 and 22 years old. i've only seen one of them drunk once (even though she drank a lot during our high school days... just not with our group of friends), and the other twice (new year's three years ago, and her 21st birthday party... even though she always talked about her days at penn state, she never wanted to drink with us).... they've been my best friends in PA for 9 years. i only see them, if i'm lucky, once a month.


i rent a kegbus once a year, and it's always for some sort of event or holiday.

anyway, my recruiter is picking me up from work tomorrow to go get my medical records from the hospital.


OH MY GOD I JUST SAW A PREVIEW FOR FINAL FANTASY VII CHRYSTAL CORE! I NEED TO OWN A PSP SO I CAN PLAY IT!

and, YES- I AM A NERD! haha.

well, off to read some newspapers, make a few cds of spanish music for Dennis (whose surgery went very well), and hopefully watch The Wire. maybe avoid Mark's phone calls some more.

i miss my brother Johnny. and hanging out watching movies & tv with him at his place. he should move in with me when i become a cop in DC. oh yeah and Star Wars II sucks balls. it's on TV and i'm only watching because I like the part when Yoda goes apeshit at the end.

you know what's funny? i was just thinking about this. i've drank more with my 40 year old defense contracting buddy than i ever have with my best friends in PA. he's 40, has a real job, and i've only known him for 4 years.

i like my older friends. they are a lot more fun, and we have better conversations.


p.s.- i am so excited about joining the Guard, moving back to DC, and becoming a cop. so excited. fuck this place so excited.

just got a phonecall from work. i worked 6am to 4 pm, and at 7:30pm they called to ask me to come back and work until midnight.

never quite mastered "no" when it comes to my job or bosses.


maybe if i didn't have pay a $700 bill this week for my broke-ass car to pass inspection.

my cat is still not back.

clearly shaping up to be a great week. haha. oh well, with my raise, the paycheck will be.


p.s.- i think my mother wishes i worked 7 days/week because every time i say i have a day off (1 or 2 a week, mind you), she gives me some look, gets a tone in her voice, "oh. you're not working? i thought you were full-time." haha really? yeah, i'm pretty sure I am with 46 hour work weeks. i'm going to develop ulcers from the number of times per day i refrain from saying something. unfortunately, i can get very smug and sarcastic.

peace, back to work. yippee.

Okay, now, I know this is post #3 for today, but my mom is watching a shitty version of "Pride and Predjudice," I want to watch "The Wire," and I'm bored.

...so, here it is: I'm the type of person who hates being asked questions. Simple statement. I hate questions.

Here are some examples of why:

1. Nearly every night, I stand up to get a snack from the kitchen. I grab/make my snack and go back to the couch. Without fail, my mother will ask, "Are you hungry?"

2. At Wawa, there is a large "for sale" sign outside the store (they are opening a gas Wawa up the street and this is one of those tiny, shitty Wawas). Every day, I'd say 1-in-20 customers will ask one- or all- of the following: "Are they selling this location?" "Is this Wawa closing when they open the new one?" "Are you all moving to the new one?" "What's moving in here?" "Did you know that I will have to drive farther now to get to Wawa when you close?" Inevitably, you will hear Dennis yell, "Are you selling the store or is just the sign that's for sale?" Haha.

3. When we were going through liquidation at Hollywood Video, we had to put a HUGE (as in, covered half the store front and blocked the sun from coming in the windows) bright-ass yellow sign with bold black print outside the store; it read: "Store Closing Sale!" Then on the way in, another sign explained the pricing system. Directly behind all three registers were large, bright red signs reading, "All Sales Final! No returns/exchanges!" I can't even count how many times we were asked these questions: "Why is it so expensive? Did you raise the rental rates?" "You're not renting anymore?" "If the movies are scratched can I bring them back?" "Are you guys closing?" "When are you closing?" <-- nevermind the countdown of days outside and inside the store with 'xx days left!'

4. Referencing #3: A lady asked me, while purchasing movies: "Are you losing your job?" Me: "No, ma'am, they will transfer us if we'd like. I'm not staying with Hollywood Video." Lady: "Oh my god, what are you doing to do?" I stared at her. Lady: "Do you like retail?" Me: "...honestly?" Lady: "Yes." Me: "No...?" Lady: "Oh. Well, I have connections in retail."

5. At Wawa, customers will order "tuna salad," "chicken salad," or "egg salad" sandwiches/hoagies. Their little prepay slip prints and they stare at it. I know I'm about to be: a) asked a stupid question, or b) inconveniencing other customers because this one has an assinine request that takes a lot more time. Said customers will eventually (after contemplating this for about 30 seconds to a minute) approach the deli waving their little slips. "It says 'salad' on here! I don't want salad! I just want tuna/chicken/egg! What's this 'salad'?"

6. Today, in fact, a lady walked up to the deli, stared at our sandwich/hoagie pricing sign for a few minutes- "Excuse me! Excuse me! Do you make sandwiches here?!" I really wanted to ask her if she had been staring at the ceiling or the pricing/deli choices sign for the last 5 minutes...

Okay, I'll stop. This is all a result of the "are you hungry" question 10 minutes ago.