My Own Private Oklahoma

Today, while the masses work hard for a dollar, I will consume the words of philosophers, scientists, and literary writers. All week I grade and teach for a living.

But today, I balance that world of consumption with knowledge and illumination.

Hopefully, the media buzz is wrong. We are not simply kilobytes of information as we listen to the next superficial idea. I hear people--real people--speak to me, and they seem to yearn for illumination even if it is a simple verse in a religious text, such as the following: Rejoice in God. Again, I say, rejoice in God.

There does not seem to be any deep meaning in that verse, but there are two things happening. First, there is this overwhelming joy of emotion being poured out upon the speaker. He or she fills her internal spirit with something deep, intuitive, and mystical that cannot be known in this empty culture of ours. Next, there is a command to follow, but the command, I believe, is weaker than the magic and mystery of the spiritual yearning. So, in that simple verse still, there is meaning for us to wonder.

And, wonder is the neccesity in this world. Do you wonder? Some say I wonder too much. But wonder is my magic and intuition and illumination and spiritual revival that keep me "searchin' for that heart of gold."

Guess I am in this life until the end of my life arrives.

Moon

War reduces, depletes,
angers, and competes.
War destroys, ignites,
lingers, and deletes
the consciousness of humankind.

War may kill, fall,
maul, and repeat,
but dr. king, malcolm x, and ghandi
sit, contemplate, react and sift
the consciousness of humankind.

And when they die,
they stir, arise, and uplift
the eyes of youth
and old forgotten dreams
left to rot through the skin
of hollowed men and women.

and others with guns,
homebrewed bombs
displace, frustrate, and disengage
from the irate, unfair laws
and the rhetoric of peace
to violate the consciousness of humankind.

Until love sings again,
it lingers toward hate
beneath traps
of trigger fingers.

dr. king and malcolm x
stand on mountain tops
but do not escape
the violation of hate
of terrorists
born and bread
on american soil.

Both were murdered
without freedom
lasting.

rise again, peace,
from the mountaintops of war.
cloak and cloud the pestilence
of every soar and sour sting
of hate and prejudice.

until we can be ghandi,
malcolm x,
and all peaceful kings.

--Moon

I am sure everyone feels some overwhelming sensation when they work. There is too much to do and not enough time to accomplish everything. Here is the issue.

Others and ourselves place these impossible expectations upon our shoulders, and we have a few choices. I always strive for perfection, place amazing excellence into every task I try to do, but lately, for the past year, I have walked away from this situation to analyze where I have been and what I have become and where I am going.

Have I found any answers. Actually, I have.

I typically walk into a meeting I am leading with a laugh or smile on my face. It isn't some diversion or appearance issue; it's authentic and can change the world. I learned this from the Dalai Llama (sp?). If you ever see his face, he is always smiling, even though the stereotype of Buddhism (for him, Tibetan Buddhism) is that life is suffering.

I have learned over the years of teaching Comparative Religions that life is suffering, but more than that, we have to learn how to react to any given situation with an intellectual demand, even if our emotions are there to push us in other directions.

Also, beyond Buddhism, I have my own theory, and maybe it is simply a defense mechanism to sway me from reality. Suffering is mental, first and foremost. Watch the film, Life is Beautiful, and you will understand what I mean. Second, to negate suffering, you sometimes have to negate your patterns. How do I negate my patterns? I tend to do them often. I will do something crazy in my classes, for example.

I once showed the students the painting, A Persistence of Memory, and asked them how they perceived the art work. Then, from out of nowhere (the spontaneity), I asked students to divide in groups, take the chairs, tables, and anything in the room and create their own sculpture that identifies some kind of metaphorical meaning.

They thought, "This guy is nuts." But they did it anyway. The men loved it. They tossed chairs on top of chairs that rose to the ceiling. They even interacted as a component of their sculpture as if they were the piece of the art. It was beautiful and though it may have been silly and did not serve any major component of the course objectives, it brought them a new understanding of realilty that says, "It's still okay to be a kid, still okay to be goofy, still okay to create beyond the scope of traditional conventions. It's all okay.

However, I do realize that I have responsibilities, and sometimes I say no and demand others to take control. Other times, I play in a meeting or a class and provide answers that lead to some kind of resolution to what is considered a complex problem.

I think a lot of it may have to do with the way my brain is wired.

I never think in terms of convention. I first ignore convention and rules altogether and tap into that intuitive, creative, shifting, and inexpressible part of the brain.

Next, I do not have a "no voice" in my head all the time. I say what I feel, although I phrase it in an appropriate tone.

I come at problems not by solving them in any given logical form, but I solve them through trial and error and enjoy the patterns it creates. That's why technology or any given program or programming language does not cause me fear. I may not understand every coding component, but I cut and paste just to see what happens.

However, trial and error and process driven ideas take a lot of time. For example, I spent forty-five minutes perfecting ONE slide in a PowerPoint Presentation. How many people in this world would do that! That's crazy! A waste of time. Means nothing. But, it's the aesthetic that matters. The aesthetic always matters at least for me and hopefully others who will receive joy and awe from my work.

I also refuse to think in details, and this component drives people crazy. I am one of the most detailed thinkers and writers when I need to be. I can organize an entire chess board movements in my head if I really need to, but while people are saying, "We cannot do this or this because of this issue," I don't believe them.

We are creatures of self doubt. Always doubting. Always pushing ourselves down for stupid reasons. Do we all want to live that way?

Or, do we want to look for answers that will free us from this self doubting mentality.

So, I end with this thought.

You, my reader, are miniscule to the entire universe, but Jesus or somebody else said that if you have faith that is as small as a mustard seed, you can move mountains. We are larger than mustard seeds, and yet we remain in the NO instead of the YES.

Who cares about the ultimate consequences? What if I am fired? What if nobody likes me? What if?

I say, Why not! What happens if I lose my job? Will my world fall apart? Possibly. But, I guarantee that I will be looking through the classified ads for anything that will support my family and continue to look for something better. Our jobs make a difference in our lives, and they give back to the community, but sometimes we have to let go of the clinging and just be.

Stick your hand in a live bee hive, which I have done before, and just let your hand relax there even if you are stung. (Metaphor, of course, and don't try this at home) Feel the warm buzzing of the honey bees and let them swarm around your arm. Remain still. Let it be.

Or, if a Bear in a forest wants to eat you, the traditional answer is to run, I assume, since you may be the prey, but at some point, we have to look at the bear and say, I am not running. If you want to eat me, then eat me. I have served your purpose. I have filled your stomach for another day so that you might survive. My life is important but it's also important to the bear. I am not running. Eat me before I change my mind.

And, then the bear eats me, and I no longer can write these words...

Love is a complicated word these days to decipher. At 34, I have skid through love with my shades too dark and found unknown bruises rising to the surface before I realized what had just happened.

In terms of love, I think I am a diver. I jump off the largest cliff head first like an idiot and nearly hit my head on a rock before swirling through layers of water and reaching as far down as I possibly can.

I try my best to reach the treasure at the bottom of the water, force myself to not be pulled back to the surface by the pressure, and stay there for quite some time until I am out of breath and until I realize the treasure box just might be empty or I cannot pull it back to the surface with me without suffocating it.

Don't know if I am making sense, but I'd say most people would prefer to stay on the river's edge, swim in the warmest waters, and not go so deep into the core of this reality, but I don't live that way.

I live my life with drive, with intensity, with the raw grip of life surrounding me in circles of beauty, and love, life, people, whatever you want to call it, see me diving into the darkest places and wonder what the hell I am doing.

Well, I am simply returning to my primordial past and longing for some gills and fins to keep me below the surface long enough to understand, long enough to forget the surface of me.

Many of us in this SPACE are self-destructive human beings. We like order, and so we straighten our metaphorical desks. We like calmness, so we put on our metaphorical headphones and listen to somebody else's darkness.

And, then, we look at our partner, look at our best friends, look at ourselves and say, without thinking, that we are not worth it, that we are empty, that we are lost, that we are dark, that we...basically...suck at everything.

What causes these internal messages to take over our brains? Is it because our lovers reject us? Is it our desire for complete intimacy that seems to disappear when that person leaves the room because our own soul has lost its ability to maintain its own intimacy? Why do we build these layers and layers and layers of mold, mildew, and anger? When will we take our Jungian personas and snap them, crush them, chew them up?

I no longer want to be stuck, to be cold, to be caught, to be torn, to be controlled, to be lacking. And, therein, lies the difficult question.

Is it possible in this life, in this world, to attain such idealistic visions.

The Book of Psalms states that a "sad heart is better than a happy one," and Paul, my least favorite writer, also discusses this concept: "Let it be pure joy my brother when you face trials."

Pure joy? Perhaps the irony of joy and suffering will lead us beyond our paths of self-destruction.

Pure joy really equals compassion toward the moment itself. Pure joy is compassion toward our internal struggles that always remain aloof to us. Pure joy is reaching my soul to your soul and live beyond the realm of established and predetermined structures.

Of course, I do not reach that state of compassion or pure joy often enough, nor are we supposed to. It's a high really, and then it drives us toward a path of suffering, because the feeling disappears.

Nevertheless, the vision is out there. I am a soul raging against my body. And, I am happy about it for now. I am happy that I can still climb when my body says that I cannot. And, I will continue to rage on into this future enlightenment and die with an everlasting torch in my hand praising the positive aspects of the world, uplifting those dark souls like me who are searching for some kind of understanding.

God is here in all of us, and it is time to light her match!