My Own Private Oklahoma

Many of us in this SPACE are self-destructive human beings. We like order, and so we straighten our metaphorical desks. We like calmness, so we put on our metaphorical headphones and listen to somebody else's darkness.

And, then, we look at our partner, look at our best friends, look at ourselves and say, without thinking, that we are not worth it, that we are empty, that we are lost, that we are dark, that we...basically...suck at everything.

What causes these internal messages to take over our brains? Is it because our lovers reject us? Is it our desire for complete intimacy that seems to disappear when that person leaves the room because our own soul has lost its ability to maintain its own intimacy? Why do we build these layers and layers and layers of mold, mildew, and anger? When will we take our Jungian personas and snap them, crush them, chew them up?

I no longer want to be stuck, to be cold, to be caught, to be torn, to be controlled, to be lacking. And, therein, lies the difficult question.

Is it possible in this life, in this world, to attain such idealistic visions.

The Book of Psalms states that a "sad heart is better than a happy one," and Paul, my least favorite writer, also discusses this concept: "Let it be pure joy my brother when you face trials."

Pure joy? Perhaps the irony of joy and suffering will lead us beyond our paths of self-destruction.

Pure joy really equals compassion toward the moment itself. Pure joy is compassion toward our internal struggles that always remain aloof to us. Pure joy is reaching my soul to your soul and live beyond the realm of established and predetermined structures.

Of course, I do not reach that state of compassion or pure joy often enough, nor are we supposed to. It's a high really, and then it drives us toward a path of suffering, because the feeling disappears.

Nevertheless, the vision is out there. I am a soul raging against my body. And, I am happy about it for now. I am happy that I can still climb when my body says that I cannot. And, I will continue to rage on into this future enlightenment and die with an everlasting torch in my hand praising the positive aspects of the world, uplifting those dark souls like me who are searching for some kind of understanding.

God is here in all of us, and it is time to light her match!