My Own Private Oklahoma

I am sure everyone feels some overwhelming sensation when they work. There is too much to do and not enough time to accomplish everything. Here is the issue.

Others and ourselves place these impossible expectations upon our shoulders, and we have a few choices. I always strive for perfection, place amazing excellence into every task I try to do, but lately, for the past year, I have walked away from this situation to analyze where I have been and what I have become and where I am going.

Have I found any answers. Actually, I have.

I typically walk into a meeting I am leading with a laugh or smile on my face. It isn't some diversion or appearance issue; it's authentic and can change the world. I learned this from the Dalai Llama (sp?). If you ever see his face, he is always smiling, even though the stereotype of Buddhism (for him, Tibetan Buddhism) is that life is suffering.

I have learned over the years of teaching Comparative Religions that life is suffering, but more than that, we have to learn how to react to any given situation with an intellectual demand, even if our emotions are there to push us in other directions.

Also, beyond Buddhism, I have my own theory, and maybe it is simply a defense mechanism to sway me from reality. Suffering is mental, first and foremost. Watch the film, Life is Beautiful, and you will understand what I mean. Second, to negate suffering, you sometimes have to negate your patterns. How do I negate my patterns? I tend to do them often. I will do something crazy in my classes, for example.

I once showed the students the painting, A Persistence of Memory, and asked them how they perceived the art work. Then, from out of nowhere (the spontaneity), I asked students to divide in groups, take the chairs, tables, and anything in the room and create their own sculpture that identifies some kind of metaphorical meaning.

They thought, "This guy is nuts." But they did it anyway. The men loved it. They tossed chairs on top of chairs that rose to the ceiling. They even interacted as a component of their sculpture as if they were the piece of the art. It was beautiful and though it may have been silly and did not serve any major component of the course objectives, it brought them a new understanding of realilty that says, "It's still okay to be a kid, still okay to be goofy, still okay to create beyond the scope of traditional conventions. It's all okay.

However, I do realize that I have responsibilities, and sometimes I say no and demand others to take control. Other times, I play in a meeting or a class and provide answers that lead to some kind of resolution to what is considered a complex problem.

I think a lot of it may have to do with the way my brain is wired.

I never think in terms of convention. I first ignore convention and rules altogether and tap into that intuitive, creative, shifting, and inexpressible part of the brain.

Next, I do not have a "no voice" in my head all the time. I say what I feel, although I phrase it in an appropriate tone.

I come at problems not by solving them in any given logical form, but I solve them through trial and error and enjoy the patterns it creates. That's why technology or any given program or programming language does not cause me fear. I may not understand every coding component, but I cut and paste just to see what happens.

However, trial and error and process driven ideas take a lot of time. For example, I spent forty-five minutes perfecting ONE slide in a PowerPoint Presentation. How many people in this world would do that! That's crazy! A waste of time. Means nothing. But, it's the aesthetic that matters. The aesthetic always matters at least for me and hopefully others who will receive joy and awe from my work.

I also refuse to think in details, and this component drives people crazy. I am one of the most detailed thinkers and writers when I need to be. I can organize an entire chess board movements in my head if I really need to, but while people are saying, "We cannot do this or this because of this issue," I don't believe them.

We are creatures of self doubt. Always doubting. Always pushing ourselves down for stupid reasons. Do we all want to live that way?

Or, do we want to look for answers that will free us from this self doubting mentality.

So, I end with this thought.

You, my reader, are miniscule to the entire universe, but Jesus or somebody else said that if you have faith that is as small as a mustard seed, you can move mountains. We are larger than mustard seeds, and yet we remain in the NO instead of the YES.

Who cares about the ultimate consequences? What if I am fired? What if nobody likes me? What if?

I say, Why not! What happens if I lose my job? Will my world fall apart? Possibly. But, I guarantee that I will be looking through the classified ads for anything that will support my family and continue to look for something better. Our jobs make a difference in our lives, and they give back to the community, but sometimes we have to let go of the clinging and just be.

Stick your hand in a live bee hive, which I have done before, and just let your hand relax there even if you are stung. (Metaphor, of course, and don't try this at home) Feel the warm buzzing of the honey bees and let them swarm around your arm. Remain still. Let it be.

Or, if a Bear in a forest wants to eat you, the traditional answer is to run, I assume, since you may be the prey, but at some point, we have to look at the bear and say, I am not running. If you want to eat me, then eat me. I have served your purpose. I have filled your stomach for another day so that you might survive. My life is important but it's also important to the bear. I am not running. Eat me before I change my mind.

And, then the bear eats me, and I no longer can write these words...