AoNikki

In the email sent to me about the current genocide in Kenya, number 9 of "what you can do" is about praying - something along the line of "if you like, believe in God, pray that he will help the situation." It just suddenly truck me that : why do you have to believe in God to pray?

Last year, when I shook my head to Didi's question whether I had a religion, she answered me back with her face of astonishment that clearly said "Why?".

"Simple, because I don't believe."

"You have to believe in something. I'm not saying that you have to believe in Jesus and be a Christian, just believe in something, anything."

"Why?" This time, it was my turn to ask.

"How can you live if you don't?"

"Why can't I live?"

"Because what are you living for? You have to live for something. You don't just live."

"I believe in myself."

But I know what she meant. You believe so that you have your belief to lean on, and a God to pray to. There were moments in the past when I also wished that I could have prayed. When Ashley had a car accident, Samantha and all her family and friends pray. I wished I could have prayed. When my younger sister was inside the surgery room and I could see the glass windows shaking with her screams, I wished I could have prayed. When standing in the Buddhist Temples in Toronto and Vietnam, in my grandfather's funeral, I wished I could have prayed. When I was stopped at every airport I laid over for confirmation, and when I entered Costa Rica for the first time with the worries caused by having no visa stamped on my passport, I wished I could have prayed. When Natchan passed away, I wished I could have prayed. When news about Yanik and Caro's boat accident reached me and the whole school seemed to be praying, I wished I could have prayed.

When news about Kenya came out, just now, I wished I could have prayed, if that was the least thing I could do. Whenever I'm supposed to pray, I just stand there without knowing how to start. Am I supposed to close my eyes? Am I supposed to whisper? Am I supposed to talk to someone or something on my mind? But to whom?

People have mighty Gods that they can lean on spiritually in time of adversity. But me, I dared to say that I just believed in myself, am I supposed to pray to myself? But I'm not almighty. I don't have the power. I could only stand on the pavement, watching Natchan and other people died in the fire. I couldn't lift them up. I couldn't call a rain to extinguish the flame. I couldn't save lives, let alone giving lives. So why should i pray to myself?

I'm also the only one taking over all my sorrows and sins. When the sadness of losing my grandfather weighed on me, no superior power soothed it with his love and heart. When the fear for Yanik and Caro's situation loomed over and haunted me, no mighty force took it away by assuring me that nothing would happen. When I unintentionally caused my younger sister's injuries, I was left guilty and burdened by her screams and tears - no benevolent God forgave me and put my heart to peace. It was just me.

It's even worse when I think about other people. When Ashley was in a coma, I couldn't ask for mighty help and be sure to myself that she was in the hand of the right Person, whose philanthropy wouldn't take someone as wonderful as her away. When genocides happened, I couldn't hold on to the faith that Someone who loved us truly would help us and our fella. No, I don't believe in that.

I don't believe that my fears and sins would be alleviated because of some words I whisper. I don't believe that God, if there is one, will only start acting when the whole world is praying to Him. I don't believe in the relief of knowing that Someone is going to take over and put things back in order for me. I don't believe that religion is the solution - instead, history has proven that it has been always the problem.

Maybe you were wrong, Didi - I do just live. But not only me. Everybody else also just lives, too. Believing in God or not doesn't make a difference.

Yet, when I found myself in situations, I still wished that I could have prayed. I believe in People. I believe in Peace and Good Things in the World. I believe in Nature. I believe that they will create themselves, not that Someone else will create them.

I believe in myself. That's why at the same time which I thought I didn't know how to perform the act of praying, I realized that I have been praying for my whole life. In fact, for me praying hasn't been an action - instead, it's a process of going through personal wants to concrete actions. Because I'm the one who's going to carry out what I pray for, the moment that I want something to happen, I have already prayed to myself.

No, you don't have to believe in God to pray.