My OperaFriday & half way through mocks
Saturday, March 8, 2008 5:26:51 AM
Darkness and this kind of music go well together.
Sometimes I wonder what people in the school do at night. Some study. Some work. Some go out. Some gather and socialize. Some party. Some just do nothing and think. Some sleep. Some weep.
I write.
"Have you ever thought about being a writer?" More than one person have asked me so. "No," I always answered without hesitation, "writing and music are two things that I never want to be professional in. I enjoy them, and thus I don't want them to have anything to do with work or money."
"I thought you always said you'd like to work with things you're enthusiastic about?" - to that they always said. And they were right - it will be such a painful tedium if you have to commit your life to something you dislike. But that's a totally different kind of enjoyment. Sometimes they merge together, sometimes they need to be distinguished.
"So what do you want to be?" is another classic question. "I don't know" has been its classic answer. Many of my friends back home, who had spent hours searching the internet for predictions of future trendy and well-paid careers before filling out their university examination forms, often called my lack of self-knowledge immaturity. I disagreed.
"I just want to be a human."
"Don't be silly," said my best friend once, "it's high time you think seriously about your career, so that you don't make any stupid choice."
"What are the stupid choices?" I asked her. "And what's wrong with wanting to be a human? It's already the most difficult thing to be. As long as I can be one, it doesn't really matter if I am something else."
I heard a lullaby echoing in my head. She'd been lost; but despite my attempts to seek for her melodies, she didn't want to find her way home. She just stayed there, haunting me, filling my mind with contemplations - to the point of unhealthy depression. Who am I?
I had been asking everyone about their identities, but never found an answer for myself. There may be a good reason for that - and that reason can be expressed in different ways, depending on how you view it. I may not be who I am yet; or, I am just a temporary state, not a concept to be defined.
In either way, just like everything else, I change from day to day, time to time. And once in a while, we do something wrong without even knowing it... and we always get something out of that. Like me, like today.
(i did not want it to happen i have no reason to i turned round but i saw nobody and heard my name no more so i thought that it was just me and went on walking i honestly did not see her waving because I was overwhelmed because I was not very conscious whatever reason or excuse it might be but i swear i did not see her)
I just learned that: there's a difference between knowing what the right things are, and actually doing them. In that same logic, wanting to be responsible is one thing, and actually being responsible is another.
"It's just not like how you usually are." QQ said to me - and I took it as an implied compliment. He might have overestimated me, or he might have gotten a somewhat inaccurate impression of me through our talk about general responsibility the other day. And me too, maybe I also overestimated myself. I thought I knew what responsibility was and tried to be responsible. But did I?
I always strolled about our campus, with my notes on my hand, thinking that it would have been such a waste of time to be at the ongoing residence meeting - since I would do nothing and gain nothing. But wasn't it my responsibility, as a resident, to be there?
I had been always unwilling to stop my work and go to check-ins, since there would be basically no punishment. But the staffs, some of which had to stay late at school, fulfilled their job of being there and checking people in. Then wasn't it my responsibility to leave my room, walk a few steps, and show myself up?
Wasn't it my responsibility to be on time on every commitment I had?
Wasn't it my responsibility to let she know that I couldn't get the CDs, so that she could plan accordingly?
Wasn't it my responsibility to email him and let he know that I was alright, so that he wouldn't worry?
... and numerous different things that aren't labeled "responsibility", but are indeed so. Not a matter of rule-abiding or being kind.
A kid I have been.
And just then, I realized that there existed a gap between "them all" and me. I did enjoy quality time with people. I liked many of them. But, should I do, who would I cry to, on this campus? No one.
Why is that?
Stupid question.
But I like it this way, I like the core of me and what I want to become. I know, I can't be an insider - not that I want to.
Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
Oh it's getting hard to be someone but it all works out
It doesn't matter much to me.
Sometimes I wonder what people in the school do at night. Some study. Some work. Some go out. Some gather and socialize. Some party. Some just do nothing and think. Some sleep. Some weep.
I write.
"Have you ever thought about being a writer?" More than one person have asked me so. "No," I always answered without hesitation, "writing and music are two things that I never want to be professional in. I enjoy them, and thus I don't want them to have anything to do with work or money."
"I thought you always said you'd like to work with things you're enthusiastic about?" - to that they always said. And they were right - it will be such a painful tedium if you have to commit your life to something you dislike. But that's a totally different kind of enjoyment. Sometimes they merge together, sometimes they need to be distinguished.
"So what do you want to be?" is another classic question. "I don't know" has been its classic answer. Many of my friends back home, who had spent hours searching the internet for predictions of future trendy and well-paid careers before filling out their university examination forms, often called my lack of self-knowledge immaturity. I disagreed.
"I just want to be a human."
"Don't be silly," said my best friend once, "it's high time you think seriously about your career, so that you don't make any stupid choice."
"What are the stupid choices?" I asked her. "And what's wrong with wanting to be a human? It's already the most difficult thing to be. As long as I can be one, it doesn't really matter if I am something else."
I heard a lullaby echoing in my head. She'd been lost; but despite my attempts to seek for her melodies, she didn't want to find her way home. She just stayed there, haunting me, filling my mind with contemplations - to the point of unhealthy depression. Who am I?
I had been asking everyone about their identities, but never found an answer for myself. There may be a good reason for that - and that reason can be expressed in different ways, depending on how you view it. I may not be who I am yet; or, I am just a temporary state, not a concept to be defined.
In either way, just like everything else, I change from day to day, time to time. And once in a while, we do something wrong without even knowing it... and we always get something out of that. Like me, like today.
(i did not want it to happen i have no reason to i turned round but i saw nobody and heard my name no more so i thought that it was just me and went on walking i honestly did not see her waving because I was overwhelmed because I was not very conscious whatever reason or excuse it might be but i swear i did not see her)
I just learned that: there's a difference between knowing what the right things are, and actually doing them. In that same logic, wanting to be responsible is one thing, and actually being responsible is another.
"It's just not like how you usually are." QQ said to me - and I took it as an implied compliment. He might have overestimated me, or he might have gotten a somewhat inaccurate impression of me through our talk about general responsibility the other day. And me too, maybe I also overestimated myself. I thought I knew what responsibility was and tried to be responsible. But did I?
I always strolled about our campus, with my notes on my hand, thinking that it would have been such a waste of time to be at the ongoing residence meeting - since I would do nothing and gain nothing. But wasn't it my responsibility, as a resident, to be there?
I had been always unwilling to stop my work and go to check-ins, since there would be basically no punishment. But the staffs, some of which had to stay late at school, fulfilled their job of being there and checking people in. Then wasn't it my responsibility to leave my room, walk a few steps, and show myself up?
Wasn't it my responsibility to be on time on every commitment I had?
Wasn't it my responsibility to let she know that I couldn't get the CDs, so that she could plan accordingly?
Wasn't it my responsibility to email him and let he know that I was alright, so that he wouldn't worry?
... and numerous different things that aren't labeled "responsibility", but are indeed so. Not a matter of rule-abiding or being kind.
A kid I have been.
And just then, I realized that there existed a gap between "them all" and me. I did enjoy quality time with people. I liked many of them. But, should I do, who would I cry to, on this campus? No one.
Why is that?
Stupid question.
But I like it this way, I like the core of me and what I want to become. I know, I can't be an insider - not that I want to.
Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
Oh it's getting hard to be someone but it all works out
It doesn't matter much to me.
