AoNikki

When I woke up at 8, I felt a strong (and strange) need to check my emails immediately - not sure whether it had something to do with the fact that there had been a power cut since early morning. But when the power came back again, this was what I'd received since around midnight:

From my father, about my gap year

From thay Kenny (Stanford), in reply to my email about my admission to MIT weeks ago

From Raphaela, my German cousin, about the same thing (and some other things as well)

From a current sophomore at MIT

Thay Kenny and Raphaela are my two occasional contacts who write in a seasonly basis (which means every three months or a little bit less). So, after the initial delight of hearing from them, I was left with some amounts of things to read. Then I had to think about what I'd read and its corollaries.

It was funny how thay Kenny and Raphaela's stories and suggestions of what I could be doing during the gap year came at the same time as my father's reminding me of how my whole extended family really disapproves of the "taking a break from school" idea. Maybe I'm just too young to understand - because although I know they're referring to a family member's real experience, I find it really hard to accept their reasoning that something, such as international conflicts or terrorism, might happen in that one year and prevent me from keeping this opportunity. But by the same token, as they have kept on reminding me of how MIT's prestige will help when I apply for a job in the future, or that I must carefully choose a major that will be trendy and lead to a well-paid job... I know that there are also certain things that they do not understand. Despite having been abroad for many years, my grandmother's mindset is still very typical Vietnamese when it comes to education; and my mother is even thinking that here in Costa Rica I'm living the same life, exactly the same way as in Vietnam ( she didn't want me to go abroad in the first place). I totally understand that, but don't want to see myself compromising. Actually, I have given a lot of reasons why I wanted to take a gap year, but they didn't even bother to refute - they just simply ignored - except for their insisting that "We understand that in your gap year you can study and prepare for the maths and sciences that you will be doing and thus gain a higher grade, but....". Practical much?

Maybe I am being too idealistic, maybe I still have no idea of how harsh life can be without money and status, maybe I'm too immature when thinking that I can stride in life without pragmatic concerns - you can call me all that and still I won't change my way of thinking, at least for now. But, isn't it because I do understand the importance of the coming four year, that I want to take a gap year? So that I can begin my first day at MIT with a clear mind and some ideas of where I am, and where I want to be, in life?

But when my father said that "If you want to travel during that one year, it may be costly for us", I knew that I was not in the position to make the decision. And I felt like it was a crime to hesitate, to contemplate, to doubt, to differ, to desire, to be idealistic, to object.

I thought about what I'd like to do if I could have one year off.

I would work on my environmental project (The GH project), which I'm truly inspired about and have been planning for months but didn't have time to carry out. As I saw those of various of my friends left the papers and became real, I couldn't help thinking that I was a liar falling behind and didn't really do anything good. Not that I took it as a competition.

I would read. As I watched the list of "books I'd like to read" becomes longer without getting any shorter through months and months, I felt like I couldn't even keep my promises to myself. I would re-read The catcher in the Rye and The God of Small Things. I would finish Atlas Shrugged, Crime and Punishment, Great Expectations. I would start reading The fountainhead, Waiting for Godot, Beloved, Norwegian Woods.

I would come back to my province's Service of Sciences and Technology's chemistry lab to finish my agriculture research. Unfinished research is a waste of public money and individual's time.

I would love to volunteer in the army. Every time I told my friends to stop their unfair judgment on people doing their military service, they shut me up with the question "What do you know about them?" I want to be a living proof of what I say, and shift the Vietnamese society's prejudice against this.

I would play and write music as a hard-core.

I would sit down every afternoon, and sketch, and paint, as I have wanted to do.

I would plant a tree.

I would continue to learn Spanish, French, and Japanese.

I would learn to cook, to swim, to dance, to fix electronic things, to bake cakes, to knit, to photograph, to play the zither better. I would drift. I would just stroll, and if I came across somewhere or someone that needed me, I would pause.

And I would write.

And then, hopefully I would be ready for higher education.

All that I had been excited about for the whole year would then come to me. I would step on the soil of the place that I've been wanted to be for years, being even more eager for all the opportunities awaiting. I would be in Mission 2013, I would enjoy my staying in iHouse or Random or EC, I would try to get a UROP, I would take all that physical education classes and private music lessons. And play in bands/ ensembles/ orchestras if I was good enough. And be happy. And think about what I want to do afterwards.

I want to continue doing research, however well-paid (or poorly-paid) it will be.

I want to be an non-professional musician.

I will learn to drive, but I won't have a car. I will cycle, or walk, or use public transportation to get to everywhere I want.

Maybe I will have a cat. I will write to people about how my cat's been doing.

Can be really contradicting with the idea about money, but I want to travel - with aims and without aims. I want to spend some years away from the cities and civilization. I want to talk to people sitting on the shores or sailing at sea.

I will remain unknown (maybe).I will drift. I will just stroll, and if I come across somewhere or someone that needs me, I will pause.

And I will write.