AoNikki

So, what is love?

Cliche question, yes, but still no satisfying answer. My boyfriend never says he loves me - not because he doesn't know what his feelings are, but because he doesn't know what love is. And yet we're in an exclusive relationship and happily so. On the other hand, in Vietnamese you express the idea that two people are in a relationship by saying that "they're in love," consequently implying the cultural paradigm that love and relationship are equivalent. I have seen many different attitudes: hopeful, dreamy, realistic, pragmatic, cynical. I have seen people trashing love and relationship and the belief in thereof as childish, naive and immature. I have seen people talking down on fairy tales and Prince Charming, thinking doing so is the evidence of their growing up - which somehow can't be achieved without being cynical. You probably have also seen a lot of these things too, and that's why I'm writing to differ.

Let's start with what I don't believe in. I don't believe in romance. I don't believe in casual dating, date after date, partner after partner. My first boyfriend had been my friend for 4 years before we got together; and our relationship afterward was mostly long distance. My current boyfriend lives in the same dorm as I do; and we just got closer without any dates or all that formalities. I'm happy with my relationship as it is - none of us remembers what date we started going out, no anniversaries, no roses and candlelight dinner, no "What would he/she think about me if I do this?" Once I went out on what I thought was just a hanging out but the other person took it as a date, and all his compliments, kind gestures, and "You're such a beautiful lady"'s made me extremely uncomfortable. But what is it that I don't believe in? I do believe that romance exists, and that for some people it's enjoyable. I, however, don't believe that it has any value. It's like when you casually go to a party and dance - the dancing was fun and enjoyable while it lasts, but to you it doesn't mean anything more than that. Most people know it well; some even confuse romance with love and thus disbelieve in love.

But I do believe in love. Right, a young naive girl and her fairy-tale dreams, you might start to think. But my beliefs are rational, and soon I'll show you the rationale of it. What is it that I believe in? I believe in love itself as a non-romantic feeling. I have feelings of love for many people: my parents, my sister, my relatives. I also love a lot of people not related to me by blood: my high school best friends in Vietnam, Toronto and Costa Rica, a lot of my friends in Random - including my boyfriend, or sometimes even people I don't know. So, I love a lot of people and my love is not exclusive. What's exclusive for me is romantic love.

As suggested, romantic love is love, which has a non-romantic nature, made romantic. Of course, romance is just a game, and there's nothing wrong with developing romantic love for more than one person. Right, by now it should be all clear that I believe in polyamory. I believe that there's nothing wrong with it. Even before I learned about the concept, I had been wondering: if love is such a great feeling, why not love multiple people? If loving other people make your loved one happy, why should you be sad? Yet, I still found the idea repulsive - although not anymore.

But no, I'm still monogamous by choice. If anything, relationships are time and energy consuming, and I simply can't afford more than one. But more importantly, I like my life whole. I often find it unsatisfying and frustrating every time I'm doing something I enjoy, and then ponder with regret and hesitation that maybe I should do that other thing that I also enjoy greatly instead. So, I know that I wouldn't like the feeling of being with one person and suddenly think dearly of someone else and wishing that I could also be with them. I don't see the point of that; I'd rather have all of my affection invested in one person to whom I can feel it greatly - and if it didn't work out, I'd also rather feel the pain of losing "everything" than "just an important little part." Maybe it's just me - most people would prefer to have other significant others to rely on and help them through, but for me, life is hardly lived without the extremes.

And then, there's the question: are relationships worth it? This was from a blog sent to me by a friend with whom I discussed about relationship.

I’m not a relationship person. I like it logical, rational, black and white. I don’t even like surprises because the unknowns scare me. I’m somewhat of a control freak. Okay so that’s an understatement. I am a control freak. I want to know exactly what I’m doing and how I’m going to achieve my goals. Yet, I’m also fickle and about as unpredictable as the Cantabrigian weather. And “relationship”, with all the messy notions of feelings and emotions, just doesn’t go well with who I am. I can't commit. Not to any one clothing store or any one flavor of ice cream, and definitely not to any one guy. I'm not an emotional person. I don't ask people five times a day how they're feeling. I can't even remember the last time I cried. I'm positive it wasn't this year. All these "feelings" talks make me squirmy and uncomfortable. I’m also a cynic who doesn’t believe in love. I don’t like fairytales, nor have I read or watched much of it at all since I was a little kid. All these images of the happy couples riding off into the sunset are pretty much deceptive bullshit as far as I’m concerned. “Everlasting love?” Please, doesn’t exist. And if relationships won’t last, why should I bother at all? The heartaches, the pain, the hours lost moping over a failed relationship just seem too high a price to pay for something that is based on misleading euphoria, false promises and delusion, and hence destined to be short-lived.

Ultimately, though, I wonder if it’s all because I don’t want to set myself up to get hurt. If you’re not someone’s girlfriend, then you can never be someone’s ex-girlfriend. Of all the relationships you put yourself through in a lifetime, you’re lucky if one works out. And even if it does, who can guarantee that it will still do a couple years, or even months, down the road. Love, like marriage, is but a social construct. Society places pressure on you, especially if you’re a girl, to “settle down!”, “get married!”, and as you feel the clock ticking away, you force yourself on some guy you’re “possibly” in love with and hope for the best. I’m not sure I ever want to subject myself to all that. Why hang on to some false promises when you can be fabulous and fabulously single?

My first reaction was: sounds like me a long while ago. So I used to be the innocent little girl with dreamy eyes. Then I became the cynical teenager. And then I got over it.

Like a certain type of typical teenager, there was a time when I trashed emotions as weak and unnecessary, and took pride in telling people how long it had been since the last time I cried. Then came a day when I realized that the world had had enough cynics and emotionally deficient people - most pretended that they were not, some thought it was cool and pretended that they were, a few really were and didn't care to hide it - but in any case, they were still too great in number. How many times had you been tricked and used by someone who you thought were your friend, or classmate, or co-worker? How many times had you gone out on the street, seen an accident and then witnessed people gathering around gossiping, taking videos or pictures on their cell phone but none cared to call an ambulance? How many times had your mother told you to be cautious of your friends because they might just be using you? And you still think that indifference is rare and the emotionally deficient are the minority? No. This is the way to go if you want to be different, to be the minority: have feelings, and sincerely so.

People tell you that feelings can't be rational. Really? Feelings are as rational as you want them to be, and if anything, feelings are reasons. People tell you that feelings are not black and white. Really? It's just people whose these feelings belong to that are in capable of making sense of their feelings, just like how people can't see some logic clearly - and that doesn't defy the logic's black-and-white-ness. People tell you that relationships are fallacies, nothing but a joke. Really? Relationships are what you make out of them - sure, it's a social construct, but that also implies that you have the ability to shape it the way you want. Look down on your relationship, and it will look down on you. Appreciate it, and it will appreciate you. Think that relationship is faulty and a waste of time, and your relationship will just be wasting your time. Think that relationship is worth treasuring, and so it will be. People tell you that love doesn't exist. Really? If they were really as rational as they claimed to be, they would know that they could never make the claim that love doesn't exist - and this is why: you can prove that something exists by observing its existence, however the lack of such observation doesn't prove otherwise. People tell you that fairy tales are wrong and bullshit. Really? Sure, it's full of politically incorrectness, but they overlook the fact that it provides standard, vision, and hope. More generally, it encourages enjoyment and imagination. I liked several fairy tales as a kid, and now, after almost 20 years and extensive studies on writing for children (since I've wanted to write a book for children), I still enjoy fairy tales and all it has to offer. My point? I'm not condemning cynicism; but cynicism alone is not the solution. It's good to be able to point out the problems, but then what's the point if you will just turn your back against it because it's not what you want? Where's the initiative, the desire to be different, the desire for change? After all, if it's a social construct then you, too, can construct it, and the fact that it's not what it should be is exactly the reason why you should treat it the way it should be. If you had dreams and belief about love and relationship and are now made doubtful, then you should believe in them even more than before.

And if relationships won't last, why should you bother at all? This, I think, is the most ironic argument coming from relationship-non-believers. They claim that relationships are nothing, but the previous statement strongly suggest that they actually think relationship should last and be something. So it turns out that I'm even less concerned about relationships than people who claimed to not be concerned about them, because while I do think that relationships should be something, I don't think that they have to last. But people tell you that they should be. People tell you that break-ups are painful, relationships that don't lead to marriage are failures and mistakes, and the purpose of starting any relationship is the happy ending where you two are a family.

Really?

So, it seems like, they imply to you that we live in a world where the future is the only thing that matters. Somehow you should conform yourself to seeking for the security in settling for a family, while avoiding any other risk - the risk of having a happy time of your life with someone who would not become your husband or wife, the risk of feeling appreciated by someone who would not father your kids, the risk of developing and maintaining a meaningful relationship with someone who later would not share your taxes. Somehow getting into a relationship is directly translated as "trying to find a partner and settle down." Somehow getting into a relationship even means anything more than you appreciate the other person and their company and attractiveness. Somehow you just can't start a relationship without any thoughts about marriage, or on the sole basis that it will make you happy. And then, somehow the inability to get a relationship work is a sin. Somehow, no matter how better you have become with the help of your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, or how happy and loved that person have made you felt in your most depressing times, that relationship is a failure and just shouldn't have been bothered with, shouldn't have happened. Somehow a "failure" means that the process of failing is meaningless and just shouldn't have happened. Somehow it not working in the future means that it won't work now.

To answer to all of their somehows, I'll tell you that it's possible to love. It's possible to happily start a meaningful relationship without marriage as the end in mind. It's possible to get into a relationship without being afraid if this is a mistake or failure, because it's not. It's possible to love without worrying about what happens a couple months or years down the road. It's possible to love and not have any expectation. It's possible to live in the present.

I'm good friends with my ex. My boyfriend, his ex, her boyfriend, and I live in the same dorm (almost) and hang out with each other on a daily basis, in any combination possible. I don't feel the need to get awkward with my ex or anyone else's ex, or to feel jealous or painful. I love my boyfriend, and it's just that - affection, attraction, sincerity, on the basis of trust and communication, without any need for formalities or romance. I don't feel the need to play it any differently.

I think people think too much about the future and just abandon the present - and then at some point they find themselves wondering "What if...?", regretting not taking chances and opportunities to get to know another human being.