My OperaThe culture of hypocrisy
Wednesday, June 30, 2010 4:25:40 PM
The other day my extended family on my mom's side and I went out for an on-the-street dinner in Vietnam. Before leaving, my grandmother at home had told me to get some noodles for my father, and none for herself (she planned to eat left-overs from lunch). However, after the meal, we had plenty of left-overs and my mother wanted to bring them back for my father instead of buying more things. I told her to call my father to double-check, but she refused to, so I offered to do it. I said something like this:
"Hey dad, we have some left-overs here, do you want them instead of noodles?"
Well, he said no, so we ended up buying the noodles anyways. But my mother, along with her parents, after hearing that scolded me for asking whether my father wanted our left-overs. I asked them why.
"No self-respecting person would want to eat other people's left-overs, that's why he said no," said my mother.
"That's not lacking in self-respect, that's being not wasteful," I replied.
My mother got angry at me for not understanding that self-respect was more important.
"So," again I said, "if eating other people's left-overs is not self-respectful, then what makes it okay to offer him other people's left-overs as long as he doesn't know it?"
She got REALLY angry at me for "arguing with adults."
Since then, I have been more aware of the hypocrisy in this culture. There are plenty examples; they are so obvious that they become not obvious at all to insiders. That's why I call it the culture of hypocrisy.
It is a culture that pressures individuals (especially girls) to make sacrifices for the sake of other people, but advices rape victims to keep their story to themselves to "save face" and "get a good husband."
Once a crime goes unpunished, the criminal will have a tendency to repeat it. Whether you consider not being able to "save face" a sacrifice or not, by speaking up and condemning a rapist, you're doing a favor for many other women who otherwise will be the next victims of the same crime.
It is a culture that romanticizes poverty as a virtue and proof of integrity, but condemns Viet Kieu (Vietnamese who are now citizens of other countries) as unpatriotic, ungrateful and immoral when they refuse to donate money for their in-Vietnam relatives.
See: http://dotchuoinon.com/2009/03/18/dam-me-tuy%E1%BB%87t-v%E1%BB%9Di/
It is a culture where people get angry and look down on strangers for their lack of morals, integrity or considerations for other people, but teach their own children to cheat and "do whatever it takes" to get ahead in life.
A lot of neighbors' arguments end with "Look at yourself, your way of living with other people. You are immoral and aren't worthy of being a human!" However, a child who gives money to beggars are very likely to be called "stupid" by her parents.
It is a culture that accuses the white as being racist (while sucking up to them), but looks down on the black.
When people know that I've got a white American boyfriend, they congratulate me for my future promising life abroad. When people see the picture I took with my black Nigerian friend, they ask "Don't you feel scared of that scary black guy?"
It is a culture that pressures individuals to be considerate to others around them, but usually fails to give consideration about individual preferences.
My mother's parents, from the story at the top, also kept telling me over and over again to buy noodles for my other grandmother, despite me telling them that she told me not to get anything (and the fact that her digestive system is weak and she can't eat much).
In fact, a lot of people are only "considerate" to other people by ways that they know would be viewed by other people as being "considerate." For example, when I went to a party, everyone in the same table kept piling food in my bowl (some of which was food that I really didn't like) without being asked or asking me whether I wanted that food or not; or my mom usually keeps telling my grandmother to eat more of something several times, despite the fact (and my grandmother telling my mom) that she can't eat much. This is because in this culture, getting food for other people in the same table and offering good food for other people are seen as being considerate --- and many people do them blindly. Just like everywhere, very few people care to get to know other individuals around them and learn about their preferences.
And in the case that someone has different preferences, it will be seen as bizarre and "needs to be fixed." So keep doing those things despite their preferences is seen as a good thing, because presumably that's how they are fixed. (Example: my mom tried to take me to go shopping with her, and kept telling me to buy this dress or those shoes, because apparently I don't dress like a girl.)
It is a culture where the people who demand respects from most other people (i.e the elders) are unwilling to respect most other people.
Don't get me wrong, older people in a family demands absolute respect and obedience from younger members of the family, but also do care about and want the best for them. But respect? Not so often.
There are many, many more small instances and personal examples. These are just a few big things to think about.
"Hey dad, we have some left-overs here, do you want them instead of noodles?"
Well, he said no, so we ended up buying the noodles anyways. But my mother, along with her parents, after hearing that scolded me for asking whether my father wanted our left-overs. I asked them why.
"No self-respecting person would want to eat other people's left-overs, that's why he said no," said my mother.
"That's not lacking in self-respect, that's being not wasteful," I replied.
My mother got angry at me for not understanding that self-respect was more important.
"So," again I said, "if eating other people's left-overs is not self-respectful, then what makes it okay to offer him other people's left-overs as long as he doesn't know it?"
She got REALLY angry at me for "arguing with adults."
Since then, I have been more aware of the hypocrisy in this culture. There are plenty examples; they are so obvious that they become not obvious at all to insiders. That's why I call it the culture of hypocrisy.
It is a culture that pressures individuals (especially girls) to make sacrifices for the sake of other people, but advices rape victims to keep their story to themselves to "save face" and "get a good husband."
Once a crime goes unpunished, the criminal will have a tendency to repeat it. Whether you consider not being able to "save face" a sacrifice or not, by speaking up and condemning a rapist, you're doing a favor for many other women who otherwise will be the next victims of the same crime.
It is a culture that romanticizes poverty as a virtue and proof of integrity, but condemns Viet Kieu (Vietnamese who are now citizens of other countries) as unpatriotic, ungrateful and immoral when they refuse to donate money for their in-Vietnam relatives.
See: http://dotchuoinon.com/2009/03/18/dam-me-tuy%E1%BB%87t-v%E1%BB%9Di/
It is a culture where people get angry and look down on strangers for their lack of morals, integrity or considerations for other people, but teach their own children to cheat and "do whatever it takes" to get ahead in life.
A lot of neighbors' arguments end with "Look at yourself, your way of living with other people. You are immoral and aren't worthy of being a human!" However, a child who gives money to beggars are very likely to be called "stupid" by her parents.
It is a culture that accuses the white as being racist (while sucking up to them), but looks down on the black.
When people know that I've got a white American boyfriend, they congratulate me for my future promising life abroad. When people see the picture I took with my black Nigerian friend, they ask "Don't you feel scared of that scary black guy?"
It is a culture that pressures individuals to be considerate to others around them, but usually fails to give consideration about individual preferences.
My mother's parents, from the story at the top, also kept telling me over and over again to buy noodles for my other grandmother, despite me telling them that she told me not to get anything (and the fact that her digestive system is weak and she can't eat much).
In fact, a lot of people are only "considerate" to other people by ways that they know would be viewed by other people as being "considerate." For example, when I went to a party, everyone in the same table kept piling food in my bowl (some of which was food that I really didn't like) without being asked or asking me whether I wanted that food or not; or my mom usually keeps telling my grandmother to eat more of something several times, despite the fact (and my grandmother telling my mom) that she can't eat much. This is because in this culture, getting food for other people in the same table and offering good food for other people are seen as being considerate --- and many people do them blindly. Just like everywhere, very few people care to get to know other individuals around them and learn about their preferences.
And in the case that someone has different preferences, it will be seen as bizarre and "needs to be fixed." So keep doing those things despite their preferences is seen as a good thing, because presumably that's how they are fixed. (Example: my mom tried to take me to go shopping with her, and kept telling me to buy this dress or those shoes, because apparently I don't dress like a girl.)
It is a culture where the people who demand respects from most other people (i.e the elders) are unwilling to respect most other people.
Don't get me wrong, older people in a family demands absolute respect and obedience from younger members of the family, but also do care about and want the best for them. But respect? Not so often.
There are many, many more small instances and personal examples. These are just a few big things to think about.
