AoNikki

I accidentally found these two entries, which I wrote more than one year ago, when having just come to CR for 2 months. Now when re-reading them and looking back, I have a hard time imagining what exactly happened. Time changes so many things; and true, our perceptions of the past are always influenced by what happened to us afterward.

So these used to be a part of me, which I of the present don't fully understand.(The dearest friend that I always referred to was Natchan, who passed away just some weeks before that).

Fool Saturday, September 30, 2006 - " I don't want to come back.
Why would you want to come back to a country that discriminates you?
Why would you want to come back to a country that outcasts you, and now they are proposing you to die for the country?"

- "I wish a miracle would happen, and brought me out of here. I'm disappointed. I want to come back to my country, where I am again the most active girl of ever, where there is no one looking down on me and thinking that I'm stupid." To you, I still remember you telling me : I'm a genuine silent peacemaker. A connoisseur of listening. An unruffed portrayer. A quiet follower. But I never speak out my mind. I have no one to listen to me. I ask for nothing. And you, you wanted to be, at least, a shoulder where I can cry on. But how long has it been since the last time I cried? No, I'm not that great. I didn't even close to knowing what this girl, who considers me her best friend, feels. Why didn't I notice her trembling when she talked to him? Why couldn't I ever know how stupid she feels people think she is. I wanted to say something to make she feel better. But I only know how to listen. I don't know how to encourage. Was it my fault that she likes him? Was it my fault that I recalled her past? She's young. And she seems to have experienced every shade of life. Hatred. Hope. Happiness. Sore. Fear. Confidence. Humiliation. Admiration. And again, she's brought back to the days when she had to raise her hand, with her palm up, for the teacher to hit it with the big ruler - because she hadn't given in the school fees. My dearest friend. Did you see two different conversations above, which was confided in me by two persons who are very alike in background and culture? People like to be where they are accepted. - " I don't want to come back.
Why would you want to come back to a country that discriminates you?
Why would you want to come back to a country that outcasts you, and now they are proposing you to die for the country?"

To improve it.

-"It will never improves."

--------------

- "I wish a miracle would happen, and brought me out of here. I'm disappointed. I want to come back to my country, where I am again the most active girl of ever, where there is no one looking down on me and thinking that I'm stupid."

That's why we are here to change it.

-"You weren't at the student council meeting that night. That guy picked up this topic of discrimination, and group forming according to people's background. But they just knocked it off. "

------------------ I was never a good advisor - not at all. Tell me, my dearest friend. Anything. This is not how it should be. People, with their selfishness, care about nothing but expressing their own egoism. Look at the way they think that checking in at 9 :30pm or 10:30 pm still matters even when some one is hiding herself in the bathroom crying every night they go outside to a bar or discotheque. Or right now, he's been sitting here inside the cafeteria for 3 hours or so, and no one bothered to say "hi" to him. But he doesn't mind that. She does, however. The new girl has just come. I was the first one of ever greeting her. I spent a whole day guiding her around, taking her to the town. I still remember how she was in her very first day, sitting in silence, waiting for me to finish my lunch and take her to our coordinator's office. Now it's different. She doesn't mind if we sit at the same table or not. She has all the friends around her, because of her adorable background and richness. I don't mind it either. I have done my part, silently as you used to called me. A whole-hearted guider. I'm glad that people are adapting well. And that's also what the girl from before said. But I think I know how she feels. I think I know how she's jealous. Isn't it so unfair? Yes, it is. Why didn't anyone greeted her on her first day at school? Why didn't anyone talk to her? Why didn't anyone help her out? Why didn't anyone just response to her salutation? Dumb me, who said that we are discrimination free? Tell me, honestly, are we racist? Are we discriminating people because of their background and appearance? Are we even discriminating ourselves? Those people, walking side by side with each other, blindly praise themselves and their unity and multinationality. How can they ever wonder? Ever notice?

On a Friday Night
Friday, October 13, 2006

My dearest friend, again, I write to you,

What is the hardest thing to learn? Isn't it forgiving? I recall a sentence from the lyrics of the song "Always" by Bon Jovi : " Oh I made mistake, I'm just a man". Today I made a mistake. I did something bad to one of my good friends, and now I feel too embarrassed to talk to him. I remember how I felt when my other two friends did something similar to me, and now, I sure also know how they felt when I caught them...

Perhaps one of the best things for one to know is that one is forgiven, even when one doesn't deserve to be. I don't think I am, and I don't forgive myself either. But, I shouldn't have blamed them two that much. I should have said "Don't do that again" instead of "How can you do that, you don't respect me". My dearest friend, do you remember when we talked to that Korean girl's grandmother in the hospital? She told us to learn to forgive, knowing that we will feel better when forgiving, and so will the forgiven.

I'm trying to learn to forgive. And I always know that I'm a bad writer, my dearest friend.

How many people are there on campus today? Will there be on the next day? I had this feeling that I can't express. You know this is not the first time I'm away from home. But I never felt like this before. It is said that your home is the best place in the universe. Where you are heartilly loved. Where you are who you are. And it's true...

Depressed? I may be. But why? I don't know. I don't see any reason. Still, I am. There are those who are never loved. There are those who never have a home to return.

When I got bad marks on my math and english tests, I was happy and excited (strange but true). Happiness and excitement encourage me to try my best to improve. And now I am unhappy and depressed...

... there is still something inside me shouting : I have to struggle. It is said that no one can be alone; so when you need help, lean on people. If you want to cry, do cry. But that's just the fabulous theory said by those who are always loved. I've learned that, sometimes I can be really really down. But the world doesn't stop for my grief. If I don't stand up by myself, no one will ever lend a hand to help me... because they also need their hands to raise up their own bodies.

So that's why home is the best place in the whole universe. Where I can lock myself inside my room and weep for the whole night. Where I can stay for hours in my bathub thinking about my life. Where I can listen to my father scolding me.

I told you, I never felt this way before. Can't you see it, my dearest friend? I am alone. Totally alone. And life is kind to no one. Tell me, my dearest friend. Many think that I'm an aloof type. If only they knew I could also feel left alone, my dearest friend...

And I always said that, I'm a bad writer. My writing is even worse when I'm unhappy.

My dearest friend, I really want you to be here. Again, I want to hear your voice - so warm is it; I want to lean my head on your shoulder and fall asleep like I used to do. Do you know that I felt like home wherever you were? I was so silly, always trying to get away from you - my home. Tell me what to do, my friend. Please...