Out of the way

I am on my way to Tokyo, and I flew Air France. I have never done it before - in general I get good reports of it from french people, and everyone else says it is a terrible airline. So far I am with everybody else.

First the good:

The Oslo-Paris flight was more or less on time. They give you coffee or tea, a yoghourt, and a small, almost edible half sandwich. They didn't lose my baggage.

That's it, unfortunately, in my 13-hour relationship with air france, that's the only thing I can say they did competently, and the only instance of "service" as I understand the term.

So why am I annoyed?

First problem was the incompetence at Oslo airport. An hour to check in (without a long queue) is simpy woeful. Hal an hour to board a plane is also hopeless.

Secnd problem is that CDG (Paris Charles de Gaulle airport) is terrible. I realise this is not necessarily Air France's fault (although as the major airline based here, you would think they would insist on something vaguely usable. Like the worst American airports, (well, a lot of American airports) there is no sensible way to handle transit. You enter the country and then you go through the controls to leave again. With the only benefit being that you might get lost on the way from one to the other for a while.

Third problem was a seat selection system that didn't match the plane. It should not be very hard, but somehow they managed to get this wrong too.

Fourth problem was that as we went to take-off, the pilot aborted - apparently there was a problem with an engine. Funnily enough (or not very funny, depending on your perspective) as we slowed to taxi speed I noticed an Air France Concorde across the airport. Pause for thought...

... but being quite sleepy (I had got to Oslo airport at 5am) I wasn't interested. I ust wanted to sleep and get to Tokyo. Naturally, we taxied arund for a while while they said there is nothing wrong, and then they decided there was, parked the plane, and took us off. Back througth immigration, collect our baggage (except for the poor guy who came in from the UK - they managed to lose his), and go stand in a queue.

And stand in a queue. And stand in a queue. From around 1pm, (the flight was 11.45) until around 4pm (since I was 3/4 of the way back). Which didn't improve the pain in my back, or my humour.

Eventually, I got to the front, where they told me I would be given a voucher for one meal to be eaten at the airport, a voucher to stay somewhere near the airport, and the flight would be 24 hours late.

The European regulation (and Air France's own documentation) says that unless the delay was unpredictable, and not their fault, and they had done everything to avoid it, they ay compensation. I always thought mechanical failures are predictable, and furthermore that the maintenance and testing schedule that you choose to adopt has a big influence on how often you predict they occur. Apparently not. They mean "if we wilfully decided not to honour our contract with you" when they talk about predictable. So one meal and a day wasted hanging around Charles De Gaulle airport are in fact a kindness, according to Air France.

They also offer a telephone card, rather than the mandated two calls. If you run around in circles an ask for it. (I talked to the ticket sales and the "re-check-in" people twice each before I finally got it from the re-check-in on the third try.

So at a bit after 5pm I was ready to take advantage of my free meal.

Next problem. In fact, there are two places that accept Air France vouchers. Since an entire plane-load of people was eating, the first two places featured a long long queue. So I asked what was the list of places where it was useful. Tha answer was not useful, except that I got plenty of exercise walking around thairport discovering that they had no idea and most people they said accepted it wouldn't. It turns out that whatever Air France think, the reality is that only the two places nearest would accept the voucher. And the queues were about equal - one place had snacks, not real meals, and one was closed for an hour to cope with the rush.

Being patient, I chose "Maxim's in 2F" - a place that serves real food. Except that they have a special menu for Air France vouchers (and were closed for an hour). No problem, I cna eat anything, and I could have a beer while I was waiting - something that since I was paying cash for it they thought was OK. Nice work Maxim's. When I paid for the beer I was overcharged. When I asked for the menu I was told I could have "pasta and eggs, r pasta and sausage". Neither is very good.

It turns out that the waiter was playing fast and loose even with the restrictions - they have a real menu, and what I asked for originally (and was denied) is on the "Air France voucher" menu. But a guy who overcharges for something whose price is on the menu is just special. Maybe they will sack him following my discussion with the manager du jour. Although he could probably get a job at Air France...

So here I am, having spent almost 14 hours since I first joined an Air France queue. Time to go find the airport hotel, check in, and since I have to waste an entire night I think I wight go do it in Paris - Roissy is really not much of a place to hang about. Maybe it will chill me about a bit. Right now, I need that.