Being an Australian
Friday, 12. October 2007, 12:18:18
I read in my email yesterday one of those things that goes around and around until everyone has seen it 979 times. In this case, it was one of those dopey "how Australian are you?" tests - a little more complicated than the "Are you a real Norwegian" test that I had in my Norwegian class yesterday, but roughly as silly and slightly more offensive (Aussies are like that 
).
Then I read the newspaper this morning and discovered that the people currently governing Australia think that it makes sense to apply this test for real (have a squiz if you like). In the interests of bringing about something very like the end of the world, to wit helping people to waltz in, set up and settle down a bit and say "Mate, I am Australian now", like they have done on and off (there was this little White Australia policy thing, and a few other squeezes) for the last couple of centuries, I present the cheat sheet for the upcoming citizenship test.
(Also, it's so Stace doesn't make a more of a play for Sar's Tim Tams. She got enough of her own already...)
(Warning. There are some rude-ish words in it. Nothing that makes my Mum squirm, but the sort of thing that would have brought a Very Stern Look from my Granny, and a rap over the knuckles from my uncle).
). Then I read the newspaper this morning and discovered that the people currently governing Australia think that it makes sense to apply this test for real (have a squiz if you like). In the interests of bringing about something very like the end of the world, to wit helping people to waltz in, set up and settle down a bit and say "Mate, I am Australian now", like they have done on and off (there was this little White Australia policy thing, and a few other squeezes) for the last couple of centuries, I present the cheat sheet for the upcoming citizenship test.
(Also, it's so Stace doesn't make a more of a play for Sar's Tim Tams. She got enough of her own already...)
(Warning. There are some rude-ish words in it. Nothing that makes my Mum squirm, but the sort of thing that would have brought a Very Stern Look from my Granny, and a rap over the knuckles from my uncle).
2007 Australian Citizenship test
© Kevin Andrews and Queen Pauline. (Anyway, it reads like the fuller expressions of their personal and public philosophy of life. Little Johnny would have said the same, if his spin doctors had checked it out first, but they didn't so he claims he knows nothing about it. Too right, actually.)
1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?
A: No Worries. It means that something just vanished.
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2. What is a bloody little beauty??
A: Anything that goes like a ripper - a hotted-up Torana, a normal 6-pack charger, a nearly straight WB (these are all cars, by the way), or anything else that's pretty good.
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3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
A: Yeah. Sure. They all start with "chuck", right? And none of them mean "bowl with a crooked action, like some whingers reckoned Ian Meckiff did". (There is a spanish verb "echar" which is surprisingly close in meaning to the aussie "chuck", actually).
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4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
A: The extended family visited late enough to avoid the endless Christmas lunch, instead opting for a quiet barbecue. Being sooks, and having all eaten the obigatory monster lunch, we had a bit of a recuperative snooze before we got into doing the normal christmas stuff (gifts, stuffing our faces some more, drinking a lot). When this led to Dad and Steve being a bit more aggressive than is appropriate, Mum calmed them down by demonstrating that she could pour on the testotsterone and be scarier than both of them put together.
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5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
Actually, after the first quarter slab they will manage to show their backsides, about every beer after that they will do the same. However, since they will stop for a leak once per showing, and eventually switch to standing by the side of the road drinking and flashing browneyes and not average any speed at all, the answer is really "it depends".
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6. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ? A: Knocking
b) You're going home in the back of a ? A: Divvy van. Clap clap clap-clap-clap clap-clap clap clap-clap
c) Fair crack of the ? A: Whip
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7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
Exactly.
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8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
A: Yes. Although this is childish, it isn't actually unique to australians.
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9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
A: Naturally
A: Nope. They're mates with my cousins but.
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10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
A: No, I am lucky enough to be from Melbourne instead of Sydney or Perth, so I know what real food is and how to make it.
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11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
A: Best you not ask - but since you did, they are closely related to the stuff inside a Meat Pie.
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12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
A: Give me the Tim Tams first.
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13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
A: (Don't forget that what you post on the Web stays on the Web. So don't say your girlfriend or even a female friend whoisn't your girlfriend is fat, either. Even as a joke. Even if she scoffed two packs of Tim Tams and then tried to get some more. Eh Stace?).
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14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
A: Nah, because the only people that could make pav and would serve 3-bean salad at a barbie would always provide the beer so you could help yourself to it. I do, after all, come from the posh part of town.
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15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
A: The nippers might be reading my blog so I will leave this one out.
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16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
A: Pineapple? Egg? Bacon? How can americans claim to eat burgers when they never put that stuff on. Half of them don't even add beetroot, which as everyone knows is the basis of a hamburger (although they are good if you also add a patty, some bread that is fried or grilled but NEVER steamed, and some lettuce and stuff).
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17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
A: A Victa mate. Bloody little beauty, too. Too bad I live in Norway now - no lawn, too cold for thongs, and no need for an esky 'cause I can just leave the beer in the snow. Wouldn't mind some ugg boots here though. But I checked them recently and they're pretty bloody hexy now.
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18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
A: Only if you're a total drongo and do it where there are trees.
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19. Who would you like to crack on to?
A: MYOB
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20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
A: Warnie. He's such a dropkick when he isn't on the field, but when he is he's such a legend that all is forgiven forever.
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Bonus Questions
1. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
A: Dunno. I don't have a car anymore, so I quit hanging round with Davo, and Johnno's olds sold the place with the pool so I don't see him round any more either. So I guess the answer is "no mate, I'm not that kind of a bloke".
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2. What does sinkin piss at a mates joint and getten para mean?
A: Telling tall tales until you can't, thanks to the beer that began them, made them grow, and then brought them to a dribbling, slobbering, merciful end.
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You may copy your mates answers, please submit this back to me when you
have had a fair old crack.
A: "Submit"? What kind of wanker "submits" something? What do you reckon this is, bloody government proposal time or something?
WIDGETIZE
Øyvind Østlund # 12. October 2007, 19:04
By the way, surprised there was no questions about billabongs, surfing, Aborigines, kangaroos. And what about "Do you have nick names on all your friends?", say "reckon" in every other sentence, and end them all with mate (m8 if you are under 18). I understand I have much to learn about Australians, and will add it to my list of countries to visit before settling down permanently.
PS: I thought "scoff" was more British English than Australian. One of my friends at Oxford University use it daily.
- ØØ -
Charles McCathieNevile # 15. October 2007, 10:11
The norwegian test was a photocopy. If I find someone who has a copy of the copy I could try to post the questions - although I doubt it is worth it really...
(PS As far as I know, Kev'n'Pauline didn't actually write it, but it's the sort of mind-numbingly stupid exercise I could imagine them coming up with...)
Lisa # 21. October 2007, 02:48
Charles McCathieNevile # 21. October 2007, 19:45