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Posts tagged with "sex"

Saving Our Selves

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The US Congress are at it again. Another law attempts to protect children using the internet. This time the target is social networking sites and chat rooms, where children (and adults for that matter) can be approached and drawn into something bad.

It looks good for a politician to say "I'm taking concrete action to look after the children of [insert your home here]". Who in their right mind doesn't support the idea of protecting children from evil? But does this law really healp, or is it just like trying to lock them in Rapunzel's tower?

Children are inquisitive. They are, at their best, naturally inclined to learn about what it is to be an adult - those mythical figures who earn their own money, don't have an enforced bedtime, don't have to ask if they can go to a friend's house, and apparently have the kind of wisdom that makes "because I said so" a rational argument.

At some point they discover that among the things adults do which are forbidden to children is the one that caused them to exist in the first place. In our marketing-driven culture, it's hard not to learn that people do this because they enjoy it, and fortunately many discover it as an expression of love, a gift that people can offer again and again, and moreover one that comes from themselves, not from a shop.

Children are often sociable, friendly, and we try to teach them that giving is a positive thing. Shops, offices, homes, are filled with artwork that is not very good, but proudly displayed because it is a gift from a child.

As individuals we try to protect those we love from harm, and that naturally includes our children. We try to teach them to avoid the dangers in the world, from being hit by a car while crossing the road to being struck down by nasty diseases caused by smoking. Parents make an effort to know what their children are doing, to ensure that they are safe.

As a society we try to extend that protection to all the members of society. To do so, we make some very arbitrary decisions. We set age limits on all kinds of things, from leaving school to seeing violent films. We try to give people enough education to enable them to survive as independent adults and discourage them from surviving by stealing, from coping with difficulties by taking drugs we consider harmful.

None of these mechanisms are perfect, but that in itself does not mean they are unimportant. What we do try to ensure is that there is a reasonable balance between the freedom to live an independent and fulfilling life, making a sufficient contribution to the society so it can continue to function, and providing effective protection for society at the cost of restricting the lives of individuals - or in some societies by taking the lives of individuals.

From Algeria to Afghanistan to America, from Norway to Nuie to New Zealand, people have different ideas of the best way to do this, and governments have more or less success in reflecting those desires in the structures that they create. The key is to ensure that whatever we do is an effective part of maintaining that balance.

To return to this law then. Is it going to achieve its stated goal, or is there a better way? Does it respect the need for freedom and help ensure people can achieve their goals in life (and our goals for them)? Does it recognise the realities of the world or is it based on assumptions whose unrealistic nature dooms it to failure? In short, does it meet that test of effectively maintaining the balance?

The American Library Association did not think so. In their submission (PDF 34kb) they pointed out that social networking provides an enormous value to education, and that the proposal paints a distorted view of the internet. I am certain that among the 65,000 members of the assocation not all of them are the wonderful people we would like our librarians to be, but equally sure that the overwhelming majority of them are in fact people who understand a lot about children.

I think they are correct. Not all parents are wonderful. Not all children will avoid being killed by cars. Not everyone will avoid smoking, or any of the thousands of other dangers in life. But this law will not stop inquisitive children from meeting inventive predators, nor even (in my opinion) significantly hinder the process. It will not teach children how to protect themselves from falling into such situations. It will reduce their ability to learn, by reducing many children's opportunities for educational social interaction. This is a net loss for socety, and a serious one.

There are nasty things, nasty people, nasty situations on the internet, just as there are in the physical world. There are more powerful ways of creating barriers, of making it clear to people that they are going to a dangerous place, and making it difficult to get in. They are not perfect. But they are, I believe, more effective than simplistic legislation.

One of the simplest and best-known today is "tagging". We can tell our children not to go to this or that dangerous place, but by the time they learn to read we can teach them that a variety of signs mean a place is dangerous and should be avoided. In the long run this is far more helpful. (Funnily enough, it is something that has long been advocated and adopted by large sections of the adult entertainment industry and by many schools and libraries).

Paedophilia is widely agreed to be evil and bad for children (although it wasn't always so), and the sexual predator in the park looking for little children is a familiar figure in the shared nightmares of our society. I grew up being warned about "danger stranger" and that the toilets at the park were a place where some men looked for children to do things that we probably wouldn't want to do. (I never saw any of these people, but their graffiti messaging system was familiar from similar examples in universities and libraries I had been to).

I had a very good teacher in primary school who was a known paedophile. I don't recall the details, but I knew at the time that no chldren were to be left alone with him. What I didn't realise until very much later is that another (not very good) teacher of mine was also a paedophile. I only discovered this because someone else's child discovered, too late, the very very hard way.

We cannot protect ourselves from all risks, and we cannot protect others from all danger. As adults, we freely and consciously engage in risk-taking behaviour, and children also do this. We can try to provide some basic protections, like ensuring that people are not driving cars in suburban streets so fast that it is impossible to stop if a child runs onto the road, or providing a raft of sanctions and proactively attempting to protect our children from sexual predators (or any other kind of sexual activity). But unless we equip them to make sensible decisions, by understanding the nature of the world, we are doing them a disservice and leaving them more vulnerable than ever to those who have found a way around our simple-minded approach.

I'm not a US citizen, I do not live there. It is not my place to decide, for them, how their society should run its own affairs. But I do hope that this law doesn't make it through the political process to become the law of their land, because I think it will harm the American people, and by further isolating them from the rest of the world will eventually have a negative global impact.

Summer in Oslo

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There is a song that gets stuck in my head from time to time (even when I haven't been to Ireland) called "Summer in Dublin". The bit I remember of it (and so the bit that plays on endless loop for an hour or three) is
I remember that summer in Dublin
The Liffey how it stank like hell
The young people walking down Grafton street
and everyone looking so well

I was singing a song I heard somewhere
called Rock 'n Roll never forgets
When my humming was smothered by the 46A
And the scream of a low-flying jet

So I jumped on a bus to Dun Laoghaire
Stopping off to pick up my guitar
When a drunk on the bus told me how to get rich
I was glad we weren't going too far


Apparently it is by Liam Reilly and Bagatelle, and was a huge hit in 1980. I learned it from the Irish Hooligans (also called the Hooligang and some other stuff, a band set up by Ben Flood and friends in Melbourne in the mid to late 90s)

It is summer in Oslo. The nights are short, and not really night - a sort of dark twilight that goes away again. The parks and beaches are filled with people and engangsgriller (one-time barbecues), being used to cook the inevitable grillpølser (barbecue sausages).

(I would post a photo of one, but it seems to have been eaten by a flaky blog system I used to use)

Although it is technically illegal to drink in public in Norway, there are often people enjoying a quiet beer or wine with their barbecue.

People go out at night, although it means they leave a bar as the day is coming, or before it gets "dark". The streets are full of people. The women generally dress up in Oslo. The boys don't, so much - and I don't in apparent male solidarity or something.

It's something I never quite got the hang of. I can dress up for real in a nice suit and tie, and brush my hair and clean my nails and look perfectly presentable. It is when people dress nicely but not really formally that I am often left feeling either overdressed or underdressed. Admittedly summer isn't the right weather for me to get it right - sitting around quietly in shirtsleeves my melting point is probably not far above 20˚. Besides, by nature I tend to be very casual about appearance. Or is it that I just do that to cover the uneasy feeling I get that I will somehow manage to look a little out of place?

But if I can't get the hang of the clothing thing, I can take my guitar to the park and play it. I've never seriously done that before before this summer. I realise, too, that I still have quite a way to go before people actually ask me to play (although now some especially polite people don't ask me to stop, which is something :smile:). And yet it is a pleasure that I have never really known before, to play music for people. As my singing improves ever so slowly, even that becomes more fun and less tinged with fear. (At least for me, since I am always optimistic about how the next song will turn out. I guess the audience might have a different perspective...)

I'm still more likely to impress them by cooking, and that is something that makes me happy. I am not a big fan of the engangsgrill staple sausages, ketchup, mustard, and airy bread (although I don't mind lømper). So I managed to cook some pretty decent food on the engangsgrill, and discovered that it is even possible to make an espresso, albeit with a lot of effort and "encouragement". I suspect I still have a way to go before I am a master of the little tinfoil tray of charcoal (and a small bellows would be handy on occasion). So maybe by the time I am 40 I will be able to make a presentable effort of offering people a decent grill with music.

It's a nice little dream, anyway. Little enough to be allowed out to play, even.

If you've got any tips, let fly. (Same with fashion hints, although I still like my orange shirt and will probably still wear it from time to time). Otherwise, come join me on a summer evening or two when I am there. It's still nice out...

[For those of you who were looking for the sex in here, it's my tag and it's for things where I note that there are differences between boys and girls...]

The black badge of schoolyard stupidity

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When I were a wee bairn, in short trews...,

when I was 8 or 10, a "shiner" (a black, puffy bruised eye) was something of a badge of honour. It ranked above most bandages (although below a real plaster cast) as an indication of physical courage, the fortitude needed to have engaged in and survived a fight with someone else.

In these more cautious times it's probably regarded by some regulation as a signal to check out the domestic safety of the wearer. That may seem sad, but it is better than a general acceptance of an obvious lie about walking into a door from a woman who clearly did not get into a fight at school.

I'm not a big fan of physical violence as a tactic of aggression or intimidation. There's not much that's funny about people beating other people. (Although there is something comedic about the image of someone who is trying to hit another person being held at arms length and unable to quite reach, it tends to be funnier for the spectators). And while I don't have a real shiner, I do have a slightly puffy eye today.

So what is it that leads me to be ready to make a physical attempt to solve someone else's problems, where a woman might talk through them a little more? And what is it that makes some (fewer, I think) women ready to lash out physically, while others talk and talk?

I think the last time I was prepared to even go along with being in a fight was when I was 14. I wasn't very big until about that time. I wasn't very inclined to break up a fight between others, and I wasn't very likely to come out ahead of the other guy, let alone clearly win a fight (I don't think I ever did). Now I am all of those things.

And what is it that makes me think boxing is a foolish, yet enjoyable sport? That brings out an urge to physical violence in response to stories of how people have mistreated others? How does it all relate to the willingness to put yourself in serious danger for someone else's benefit, or for that matter the urge to repeat an adrenalin rush that leads to putting oneself in physical danger with no real external goal?

I live in a risk-averse society. One that has invented for itself new ways of getting adrenaline pumping as it has tried to suppress physical violence. One that has begun to seriously tackle the issue of violence against other people in almost all the hidden places it occurs.

Has it lost something? Has it successfully channeled a dangerous tendency into some productive areas? Or has it stored up a problem, created an unnatural distortion and channeled a natural and readily understood behaviour into many unpleasant and dangerous but normally hidden forms?

I wish the fire alarm had not gone off only 3 hours after I started sleeping. Although it may not have changed much.

Vice presidents...

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It's strange, how the world is filled with vice presidents. In American companies I get the impression that they like to have dozens of them, although there are probably only a handful except in enormous organisations. The United States itself, is really a pretty big organisation, despite the various cries for "small government" coming from conservatives. Over the years, they tend to approach the problem by appointing a few well-qualified people (for example, they went to school with the minister, or they play golf with him...) to a standing commmission to examine why there are so many standing commissions.

I was at a school which was organised into houses, like classic english "public" schools (so-called I think because the public aren't allowed in). We had two vice-captains in our house. One was appointed, and the other was elected. The elected one was unofficial, and got his post by convincing everyone that he had engaged in more vices than anyone else in the house (about 75 boys from 14-18). Most of these vices were against the rules, and a number of them, given he was not a legal adult, were also against the law.

Norway is a society that seems fairly down on vices. Alcohol is not illegal, but high taxes, and limited availability seem designed to discourage regarding it as part of everyday life. In Oslo you can get beer up to 4.7% alcohol content in supermarkets during the week until 8pm, on saturday until 6pm, but in some places only the nearest "vinmonopolet" - a government-owned monopoly that is the only place allowed to sell anything stronger - has beer, along with fairly short shopping hours, and in many cases just a counter where you ask for the assistant to fetch what you want from an invisible store.

Drinking in public is illegal. Someone told me once that there is a law that prevents people drinking in the park. But you only have to visit the park to realise that while it may be illegal, it isn't a very well-respected law. Smoking is prohibited in all enclosed places with public access, or which are workplaces. As far as I know they haven't gone as far as Melbourne, Sydney, or Los Angeles, forbidding it in various open public spaces such as beaches. But tobacco is extremely expensive, as is anything associated with smoking.

Prostitution is, I think illegal. Which, like everywhere else, is a law that apparently makes no difference at all - Oslo has an unofficial red-light district which is neither as "picturesque" as Amsterdam's, nor as depressing as those in Italy (which are generally a gloomy stretch of highway near town). Whether the prohibition actually provides the basis for a framework of corruption and protection, as it used to before Australian states legalised it and began to try and make it a clean, if not actually amazingly respectable or respected, industry, I have no idea.

Australia is a nation of gamblers - although in fact most people only gamble on being able to pay a ridiculously large mortgage one day (the dream of ownning a home is getting further and further from ordinary people :frown:, even those prepared to take on this huge financial burden), and on the Melbourne Cup. Like most places, Norway has a lottery, where the government takes money from people who probably can't afford it, and it has horse racing, trotting, and so on. There are also poker machines in pubs, although I don't even know if they have entire casinos.

Sex shops are legal (I presume there are assorted laws about pornography, but I have never really bothered to find out). Norwegians are meant to be, at the same time, extremely open and easy-going about sex, and extremely uptight about personal relationships. Actually they are just people.

As a western society, various companies are trying to sell things we don't need, and a fair proportion of those seem to think that adding a picture of naked or nearly naked women somehow conveys the message that, for example, one brand of plant food has been developed with a better research process than the other. (It's a made-up example, although I am sure that somewhere it could be discovered to exist).

More respectable businesses show naked people of both sexes. A recent poster campaign for a shopping center followed a naked couple as they had a baby, I guess to symbolise the impending (re?)opening of this lovable place.

They're either fooling themselves, or trying to make fools of us. Almost all the research says that women are generally not particularly interested in photos of naked people, and men are particularly interested in photos of naked women. So by adding some stuff that nobody cares about (the bloke), they appear to be respectable and about balance. Although it doesn't take a lot of thinking to realise that it's a cover for doing what everyone else does - using photos of naked women to appeal to a market segment.

I am not especially averse nor immune to pictures of naked women, in general. (I don't know if it's genetic, marked somewhere on the Y-chromosomes that inhabit my body, or a leaerned behaviour, or something else. I'm not that concerned about finding out). Unlike tobacco, alcohol, foie gras paté and electronic gadgets, sex is a fundamental requirement for humanity. Which is why social interaction is almmost universally considered necessary. That doesn't make it always wonderful, mean that anything that can be done should be done, or anything else. It doesn't seem at all clear to me why it is something that should be dangled in front of people to convince them to switch brands of lawnmower, or buy a ticket that statistically has no possibility of bringing untold wealth which can somehow compensate for a broken relationship by providing the guy/girl of some advertising fool's dreams. Although I understand why people seem to keep using it like that.

George Michael, Pope Benedict the latest, and Hugh Hefner, are all famous people who have suggested that (at least in certain circumstances) sex is a good thing. I'm inclined to agree with them about it being good, at least in certain circumstances. I am not so sure I agree about the particular constraints or freedoms each would suggest are important, but society is a balancing act.

But it is intriguing how often those who seek to impose their control on us, and particularly those who seek to impose some ethics-based system of self control, focus on sex as one of the important vices that we should be circumspect about.

And where does all this waffle come from? An article, in which an English sporting body changed its mind (having originally said it was OK) about allowing a club to be sponsored by a legitimate business, which has its retail outlets in prominent public places, because it is a "sex shop". (No, it doesn't sell sex, just things you can use for sex. Although there is probably not much you can't, with a bit of imagination - yet this has become a massive industry taking millions of dollars, euros, roubles, crowns, and so on).

I suppose it is reasonable to set some standards about what is an appropriate sponsor for a recreational organisation that involves children as well as consenting adults, especially one based on something as important as cricket is to the English. It just seems, as the quoted club official pointed out, a bit inconsistent coming from a league sponsored by various alcohol businesses and a gambling outfit.

Still, society is a balancing act. There are plenty of people who are offended by the existence of shops selling things whose purpose is, in their eyes, repulsive, unnatural, or exploitative. Although myself, I find pubs can be a positive influence, as much as they can be a destructive one. I suppose the same might apply to sex shops, although as far as I can tell they are neither, just more places that turn titillation into tills ringing as the punters put down their pelf in pursuit of a mostly delusionary dream. (Or was that betting outlets, or blogging sites selling an unlimited audience?)