My life in detail

A friend asked me the other day what was going on in my head... Why the introspection of late?

My first reaction was one of surprise that this person should be so perceptive to notice the change in my demeanor... and my second reaction was one of frusteration. For though I was aware of the happening, I could not fully understand it myself, and could only mourn my chances in ever being able to provide a satisfactory answer.

Since then, I have tried to create sentences in my mind to explain, but nothing formulates. I have been analyzing myself, but instead of being able to solve my problems, my thinking has only resulted in a more muddled state of confusion than before.

Why don't answers come to me like they come to other people? Why in the world can't I think abstractly? Why do I have to miss the key factors that everybody else grasps automatically without even trying?! I wish I could see everything, but I do not. I desire to improve, but if I can not identify where the glitch lies in the system, and in what way it is causing me problems, how am I supposed to know what steps to take to change things for the better?

These are disturbing questions I must face every single time I slam into a problem... and they often leave me feeling very hopeless in ever coming to a settled resolution about anything if I try to struggle through the dynamics on my own. Paralyzation is nearly always where I end up at.

Because my brain cannot function very long in a state of utter helplessness, my automatic reaction is to block the problems out so that I may maintain a level of sanity. I know it does not really solve anything. In fact, often it only makes the problems worse. Life sails happily on for a little while longer, but my fabricated dream shatters as soon reality returns (as it always does)... throwing me for another curve ball.

I continually find myself back at square one. Like a little hamster in his wheel, often I percieve of myself as one running in circles, but going nowhere. What is God trying to teach me through all of this?

Three areas I am struggling in right now:

1. The dynamics of friendships

• With Girls
• With Guys
• With Parents
• With Siblings

2. Prioritizing for the future

• College?
• Marriage?
• Ministries through music?

3. My spiritual walk

• Manifesting spiritual fruit
• Working through reactionary spirit
• Bible study and memorization
• Prayer life

This, of course, is a very vauge summary of all the details crammed into my head I'm dealing with in relation to these subjects... but hopefully I can expound apon each point further in the next few days.

I had two dreams recently that really set me to spinning. I can't get them out of my mind now. I can't help but wonder why I dreamed them. Where did they come from?

Sunday night I dreamed about Abby. It was so vividly put together, I woke up being sure it was real. She wrote me a huge, long letter. Familiar handwriting, blue ink pen. She included photos, and they looked just as I would imagine they might. She also sent a family picture Brandon and her Mom pictured as well. Brandon was married with a wife and little girl.

Then yesterday night I dreamed about Melanie. It was almost a repeat of an old dream I had before, but not quite. Their family had moved into a smaller house... and things were just. Different.

You know, it really boggles my mind how I have emotional memory. A lot of the time I'll believe I've totally tucked something away, that I've gotten over a certain feeling, and then one day the memory comes crashing back in a huge giant wave and I'm overcome with the effects of it.