An incoherent explanation...
Sunday, November 13, 2005 7:59:28 PM
My first reaction was one of surprise that this person should be so perceptive to notice the change in my demeanor... and my second reaction was one of frusteration. For though I was aware of the happening, I could not fully understand it myself, and could only mourn my chances in ever being able to provide a satisfactory answer.
Since then, I have tried to create sentences in my mind to explain, but nothing formulates. I have been analyzing myself, but instead of being able to solve my problems, my thinking has only resulted in a more muddled state of confusion than before.
Why don't answers come to me like they come to other people? Why in the world can't I think abstractly? Why do I have to miss the key factors that everybody else grasps automatically without even trying?! I wish I could see everything, but I do not. I desire to improve, but if I can not identify where the glitch lies in the system, and in what way it is causing me problems, how am I supposed to know what steps to take to change things for the better?
These are disturbing questions I must face every single time I slam into a problem... and they often leave me feeling very hopeless in ever coming to a settled resolution about anything if I try to struggle through the dynamics on my own. Paralyzation is nearly always where I end up at.
Because my brain cannot function very long in a state of utter helplessness, my automatic reaction is to block the problems out so that I may maintain a level of sanity. I know it does not really solve anything. In fact, often it only makes the problems worse. Life sails happily on for a little while longer, but my fabricated dream shatters as soon reality returns (as it always does)... throwing me for another curve ball.
I continually find myself back at square one. Like a little hamster in his wheel, often I percieve of myself as one running in circles, but going nowhere. What is God trying to teach me through all of this?
Three areas I am struggling in right now:
1. The dynamics of friendships
- With Girls
- With Guys
- With Parents
- With Siblings
2. Prioritizing for the future
- College?
- Marriage?
- Ministries through music?
3. My spiritual walk
- Manifesting spiritual fruit
- Working through reactionary spirit
- Bible study and memorization
- Prayer life
This, of course, is a very vauge summary of all the details crammed into my head I'm dealing with in relation to these subjects... but hopefully I can expound apon each point further in the next few days.









