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Tapping Away in the Middle of the Night

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Posts tagged with "dung"

lolpats

Thursday, 21. February 2008, 14:04:46

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Writer's Block

Saturday, 31. March 2007, 15:01:04

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Picture from http://blaugh.com/2006/09/22/how-to-overcome-writers-block/



It happens to us all: Writer's Block!

Still ... when I get Writer's Block, I just go, "Meh ... I'll think of something later", which is a brilliant way to:

a) procrastinate

and

b) get rid of any stress Writer's Block may cause.

And that's good, because stress only feeds Writer's Block. I say starve it.

(Writer's Block is caused by the Writer's Block Virus, by the way - which was scientifically engineered to wipe out Editors, but mutated to attack writers - so starving it seems logical. Well known fact!)

Of course, none of that is worth an Eskimo's frozen pee particle on the planet Pluto (yes, dammit, it's still a planet as far as I'm concerned) if your have a (self-imposed) deadline and are still yet to think of anything.

What to do, what to do ... ?

Save a question mark by making two sentences into a single sentence (like the one above), thus staving off question-mark-related-entropy in the universe?

Ramble?

Ramble.

I'm good at that.

How about that? A solution already!



So ... what to ramble about?

I could ramble about the temperature, but that's like talking about the weather. To my mind, talking about the weather reflects a fundamental lack of effort.

Unless it's a really interesting bunch of information about the weather, like any of the interesting posts Ravo has done (the links given are by no means comprehensive).

But - for most of us - talking about the weather is the sort of thing you save for a conversation with taxi drivers when you:

a) don't want to hear them go on about 'the footy'

and

b) want to distract yourself from the fact that the one driver out of fifty million with nose-meltable body odour is the one you happened to get.

I wonder if there's ever been a case where someone has actually told the driver, "Look ... just stop here, okay? I'll find another way to go". "But why?" asks the taxi driver, heedless of the fact that this new speaker's words are not written on a separate line as good grammar says they should be. "Because you have body odour and I shouldn't have to be subjected to it, let alone pay for the privilege".

The best taxi driver I ever had was a bloke who looked about seventy. He actually helped me with my (heavy) groceries to the door and was unfailingly polite (but not so overly polite that I thought he was being fake) throughout the trip. He was also intelligent, well-spoken and - above all - he knew where to go without me having to tell him how to get there! Hard to believe, I know, but all I had to do was give him the address and he actually knew where to take me!

The worst taxi driver I ever had took me three suburbs out of my way to get - ultimately - somewhere it normally would have taken a reasonably quick drive up the road to get to - ten minutes, tops. Of course, it was the one time I was using a taxi to get to an appointment, so - even though I knew what was happening - I couldn't say anything to him during the trip, lest he get the shits and tell me to get out and I'd be stranded and - therefore - late to my appointment. Still, at the end of the trip, I did happen to - ahem - 'inform' him there was a slightly more efficient route he could have taken.

(I'm sure he's managed to have the taxi surgically removed by now ... )

Speaking of 'the footy', I'm not that big a fan, but I do watch The Footy Show on occasion, because I think it's funny.

No, not the AFL Footy Show (if you go to the link above, scroll down the page and you'll come to the ARL Footy Show section). And I'll tell you why:

a) Sam Newman appears to be a bit of a toss-bag. Of course, that could be nothing more than his on-screen persona ... but, still ...



Picture from http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/c/ca/Newman_Age.jpg

b) I don't know if it's the studio lighting, but Gary Lyon looks as though his eyes are going to pop out of his head at any minute - perhaps on the occasion of his next brisk fart - and I don't want to be watching when it happens



Picture from http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/19/Garrylyon.jpg

and

c) I think it should be illegal for the public to be subjected to Trevor Marmalade.



Picture from http://www.saxton.com.au/saxton_db_data/images/Marmalade_Trevor.jpg

It's the Rugby League Footy Show I'm on about (that I prefer to watch).

They had a segment once where they were following the progress of a greyhound they were sponsoring. The dog was called 'Nads', thus leading them to cheer for him at every race, "Go, Nads! Go, Nads!"

A lot of people might think that's kind of puerile, but to them I say:

a) it's funny to me

and

b) go watch Trevor Marmalade ... you'll be back.

Speaking of 'nads', a woman in Australia (Sue Ismiel) has had quite a bit of success with her range of products over the last ten or twenty years (or thereabouts).



Picture from http://www.asontv.com/images/prod_main/nads-kit-main.jpg

Named after her daughter, Nadine, the Nad's range of hair removal, lice removal, etc., etc., products have, no doubt, proven beneficial to many, many people.



Picture from http://70.87.150.98/ycswebsite/images/leg.gif

That's one hell of a marketing job, when you think about it! I mean, really - look at the whole waxing thing: "Ladies, you need to rub some Nad's on your legs!"

Well, they didn't really say that, but it must have been going through someone's mind down at the office ...

By the way, when does archaeology replace grave desecration? I mean, really. What's the cutoff point between grave robbing and scientific study?

That doesn't have anything to do with removing hair from your nads (uh ... with your Nad's) ... it's just one of those random things that pop into my head from time to time.

More random things:

"Why does the sun go on shining?"

Obviously, Karen Carpenter - although a wonderful singer (and - quite possibly - one of the best voices of the 20th century) - knew nothing about solar physics.

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Not much. Throwing up tends to make a body a tad weak. And with all that chucking, he sounds like one sick woodchuck. Put him down.

Ooh ... Glade Touch and Fresh has an ad (requires Flash Player) that I just saw:

There's a kid sitting on the toilet.

"Phwoahr ... it stinks!", he says, magically speaking without opening his mouth.

"Aww ... it's all gone".

Diligently, his mum comes to the door.

She obviously possesses incredible self-control, because I would have said, "You're the one emptying half your bowels into the bowl ... you deal with the bloody smell!"

Nevertheless, she says, "What's happening, darling?"

Curiously, the kid doesn't let loose with a stream of steaming dung that'd make an elephant shake its head in disbelief at the sheer volume of it, then say to his mother, "Catch that between your teeth, lady!" Instead, he merely says, "It's all gone!"

"What's gone?"

His stomach? Has he squeezed so hard that he's losing organs now? - PLOP - Was that a spleen?

No!

Suddenly, a note slides out from under the door:

"Glade Touch and Fresh is empty!"



Picture from http://www.scjohnson.co.uk/products/product/images/img_right1_3.jpg

Heedless of the danger, his mum bravely strides into the bathroom, despite the fact that her kid is still giving the porcelain god the arse.

She must possess some super powers of her own, because she manages to not pass out from the stench that was causing the kid such trouble!

Deftly, she replaces the Glade Touch and Fresh and makes everyone happy again!

Aww!

I wasn't going to make any sort of comment on that ad, figuring it was ridiculous enough.

Still ...

Anyhow ... in the words of Gardening Australia's, Peter Cundall, "And that's your bloomin' lot for the week".



If you're of a mind, hitch a ride on the arrow of time and come on back next week!

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001 Straight to My Short Stories

002 Shameless Self-Aggrandizement (Posts I'm Really Pleased With)

003 A Miscellany of (Opera Community) Riches

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