Posts tagged with "funny"
STICKY POST
Monday, 1. January 2007, 10:05:10
clustrmaps, sticky post, godlike, blogging
...
Some of you out there might be asking, "Why doesn't this guy update his Blog?" Well, I do ... but you have to scroll down a bit to see it, because this is a 'Sticky Post'.
For those of you who don't know what that means (I know you're out there), it means that you'll see this post every time you come to my blog. But the newer ones (the updates) are just below.
Just thought I'd let you know what was going on in case you were getting all confused (it happens).
Why the 'Sticky Post?'
I needed it to make my Cluster Map work (which I needed to feel God-like! 
)
" ... created He them ... "
A Couple of Quick Links
Me ...
Technorati Profile
Visit the Most Excellent Blog of a My.Opera Community Blogstar!
And her shop!
And while I'm putting buttons here, let's pay some dues!
Friday, 5. September 2008, 22:05:16
strange fashion, superlame, humour, fun
...
Thursday, 4. September 2008, 11:52:26
humor, survey, background processes, humour
...
Found this on Mick's Blog. I believe the idea is to fill it in with your own answers and post it, then send the person who's blog you saw it on a link to your post. Whether or not you do that it up to you. But I'm a gonna post it because this is my blog. So there. 
What time did you get up this morning?
Too damn early. I like sleeping in.
Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds. Then I can cut glass!
What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Dark Knight, but I'm looking forward to Wall-E! And Watchmen! And Punisher: War Journal! And possibly Star Trek!
What is your favorite TV show?
Can't narrow it down to one - Doctor Who, NCIS, Time Team, Heroes
What do you usually have for breakfast?
Coffee.
What food do you dislike?
Offal. Wish I could stand the stuff, because it's cheap and packed full of vitamins. But, no ... hurl city.
What goal remains to accomplished?
Being the last living human
What is your favorite CD at the moment?
The round one.
What kind of car do you drive?
No. Stop it.
Favourite sandwich?
Bacon, cheese and tomato.
What characteristic do you despise?
Holier-than-thouishness.
Favorite item of clothing?
Whatever keeps those dangly things where they're supposed to be!
If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
Canada looks nice!
Are you an organized person?
Stop it.
Where would you retire to?
Tasmania. Somewhere facing the Pacific Ocean.
What was your most recent memorable birthday?
My 36th. I remember that like it was just last year! Oh, wait ...
What are you going to do when you finish this?
Take more painkillers.
Furthest place you are sending this?
Future humanity - once transformed to energy - will sort of piggyback all the information of humanity's past as encoded electrons with their non-corporeal forms once they start exploring the spaces between Branes, so ... pretty far.
Person you expect to send it back first?
Dunno. One of those future humans'd be cool!
When is your birthday?
17th November, 1971
Morning person or a night person?
Night. Bloody sun!
What is your shoe size?
9
How many pets?
Two cats; Midnight and Patches
Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
Watch out!
What did you want to be when you were little?
Even though I didn't know what it was, I recall wanting to be an architect.
How are you today?
Shithouse. Still trying to shake this flu I've had for four weeks. Recently stopped coughing up that red stuff, though, so that's pretty good.
What is your favorite flower?
Salvia because I can't grow the fuckers!
What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
That one ending in 'y'.
What are you listening to right now?
The whir of my laptop's hard drive as Vista mysteriously does shit in the background again.
What was the last thing you ate?
Meatosaurus pizza.
Do you wish on stars?
No.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Black.
How is the weather right now?
Overcast. Raining. Night. Cold.
Last person you spoke to on the phone?
My mother-in-law who rang to talk to my wife.
Favorite soft drink?
Don't really have one. Used to go mad for 'V' and 'Red Bull', but stopped when - nightshift or not - I was up to about eight cans a night. Nowadays it's mostly coffee or water.
Favorite restaurant?
Hog's Breath sell damn fine steaks! I know, the name puts some people off, but give it a try!
Hair color?
Auburn.
Your favorite toy as a child?
Matchbox cars.
Summer or Winter?
Winter. Last summer we had 43 degree days, which is what I call 'Stupid heat'.
Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate.
Coffee or tea?
Coffee.
Do you want your friends to email you back?
Or comment. Commenting is good.
When was the last time you cried?
No comment
What is under your bed?
Nothing - there is no under the bed. It's enclosed and has built in drawers that contain blankets.
What did you do last night?
Slept. That medication really knocked me around!
What are you afraid of?
People knowing what I'm afraid of
Salty or sweet?
Salty. Lately I've had massive cravings for salt, blood pressure medication be damned!
How many keys on your key ring?
Ten.
How many years at your current job?
No. Hooligan!
Favorite day of the week?
Sunday - Doctor Who is on on Sunday!
Do you make friends easily?
No. Does not play well with others.
How many people will you send this to?
Whomever sees it on my blog can consider they've got a copy.
How many will respond?
Where's that crystal ball?
Do you like finding out all this stuff about your friends?
It'd be okay if they filled it in a little more seriously than I and posted it back in the comments section. 
Thursday, 4. September 2008, 09:20:58
survey, questions, humor, humour
...
Found on this site. Created by someone called Billy Chocolate Brown. Filled in by me.
WHAT DO PEOPLE CALL YOU?
Oh, Jesus, no! No! Get back! Get baaaack! Noooooooooo!
HOW MANY PARENTS DO YOU HAVE?
Just the right number!
HOW WERE YOU BORN?
I was what?
AT WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?
Just in time.
WHAT COLOR APPEALS TO YOU THE MOST?
Nothing on your paltry little electromagnetic spectrum, thanks!
HOW BIG IS YOUR BED?
Big enough.
HOW MANY PIMPLES DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR FACE?
None.
WHAT IS YOUR MYSPACE URL?
http://myspace.fail.cuzidoesn'thazamyspace.page.com
HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR MSN?
On the Midget Slut Network? None!
WHO IS THE HOTTEST CELEBRITY?
Well, I suppose it'd be the guy who played the Human Torch and set himself on fire a lot! Fire. Hot. Geddit? 
IF YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR NAME WHAT WOULD IT BE?
If I could change it?
HOW MANY TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
Most of them. But there's many more in boxes of jars in the storeroom!
WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST WORD YOUVE EVER HEARD?
Futumch.
WHATS THE WORST MOVIE YOUVE EVER SEEN?
Hmm ... that one without the apostrophe ... in you've ... umm ...
DO YOU WATCH PORN?
Only if it does cartwheels, breathes in space and wears fetching pieces of celery!
ORIENTATION?
North, north-west.
HOW MANY LIGHTS/LAMPS ARE THERE IN YOUR HOUSE?
There! Are! Four! Lights!
WHATS A NICE NAME?
I'm going to give you lots of money and free sex look how flexible I am!
DO YOU THINK YOURE WIERD?
Who doesn't?
WHATS THE TYPE OF YOUR CELLPHONE?
It's straight.
WHATS THE REASON YOU GET STRESSED?
The only reason? The only reason is when water tastes like H20.
IF YOU WERE REBORN WHO WOULD YOU BE?
If?
WHAT WAS THE MOST EXPENSIVE THING THAT YOU BOUGHT WITH YOUR OWN MONEY?
My fetching spare penis!
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF JEWISH PEOPLE?
I don't have any thoughts that cover an entire group or religion's worth of people? I tend to treat people - individually - based on how they treat me.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MUSLIM PEOPLE?
I don't have any thoughts that cover an entire group or religion's worth of people? I tend to treat people - individually - based on how they treat me.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ATHEIST PEOPLE?
Oh, those fucking platypus-makers! Ah ... ! I mean ... I don't have any thoughts that cover an entire ...
HOW MANY TRASH CAN DO YOU OWN?
Given that the question indicated a non-pluralistic answer ...
HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU GO TO THE TOILET EVERYDAY?
I've never thought of keeping a count, but thanks for putting the idea in my head ...
WHAT IS THE LAMEST SHOW YOUVE EVER WATCHED BUT YOU LIKES IT?
You Can't Do That on Television. Or Corner Gas. Either way, both are Canadian.
ARE YOU EMBARRESED OF YOUR FAMILY?
Not in the slightest.
IF YOU WERE KING OF THE WORLD WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Kill the lot of you and start over. Um, I mean ...
HOW LONG ARE YOUR FINGERNAILS?
43 feet. Yes, it is difficult using toilet paper.
HOW MUCH MONEY ARE IN YOUR WALLET RIGHT NOW?
What's it to ya?
DO YOU THINK YOURE FAT?
Only the wobbly bits!
DO YOU WISH YOU WERE YOUR OPPOSITE SEX?
No ... not even someone else's opposite sex, either!
HOW OLD DO YOU WISH YOU ARE?
About 80. At least then I'd have an excuse!
IF YOU COULD BRING SOMEBODY BACK TO LIFE WHO WOULD IT
BE?
Pass.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HEAVEN LOOKS LIKE?
Whatever I want it to.
HOW ABOUT HELL?
How about that hell, eh? Did you hear it took out the World Series?
HOW MANY SHOES DO YOU OWN?
All of them! No shoe renting for me!
RYAN ROSS OR PETE WENTZ?
What? What the hell kind of question is that? Is there something wrong with you? Have you escaped from somewhere?
IF YOU KNEW YOUD DIE TOMORROW WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Make a lot of 'the doctor forgot to call me yesterday' jokes!
DO YOU HATE YOURE BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND?
The very definition of this question would indicate that if a person was a girlfriend/boyfriend, they wouldn't be hated. Still, there's a lot of dysfunctional folk out there. But, no - I don't hate my wife. We've been married over ten years and I still love her.
WHAT SONG ARE YOU?
What song am I what? What song am I eating? What song am I using to plunge the toilet? What song am I blowing my nose on? What song am I throwing at the bloke on the putt putt bike that just farted by? What song ...
WHAT DICTIONARY DO YOU USE?
Not the same one you do - I know how to spell!
DO YOU HATE THE PEOPLE IN YOUR SCHOOL (OLDER GRADES)?
Left school a long time ago. But even if I didn't, I don't actually hate anyone. Far too much effort. Sure, there's people in the world I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire, but that's more loathing than hate. Hate, to me, is spending as much of my time and resources as humanly possible devising then acting upon the most torturous ways to destroy a person imaginable. And I really can't be arsed.
WHATS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
Conjugatwittlepeefotfotnerfadoriapubud!
IF YOU COULD CHANGE SOMETHING ON YOUR BODY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
My freakishly large penis?
Friday, 29. August 2008, 02:31:52
garfield lost in translation, retranslation, google blogoscoped, babelfish
...
Ripping off an idea from Garfield, Lost in Translation (where the Google Blogoscoped folk take Garfield cartoons and - using either Babelfish or Google Translate - translate them to Chinese, then, from that back to English again), I decided to translate-retranslate my latest post, just to see how it'd turn out. I offer it here with no comment (and of course I'm not laughing at Chinese language or people ... just at how translation programs being retranslated can be amusing):
Once more, I have stolen boldly from the pleasant quick Sarah's these examination question. She had not minded. Then, I hope her doesn' t brains …
How old you will rotate in 2009?
38th, but majority I' ll is 37.
Whether you are a social person?
Oh, Christ, does not have! Goes and boils!
What tonight will you make?
Will later lick the blood at the ceremony. You knew … Usually …
You like the coffee?
Only the prilling and smushed enter my eyeball … !
What song in yours head?
I cannot hear it to pass all scream …
When you brush your tooth, whether you do close the water?
And it' s true pain, when I want to rinse. Outside I must go back again with the rotation water to the house in …
Whether you do like the sea or the basin?
There' s many witness in sea, but screams from the neighbor in the basin, so it' Obtains more attentions; s are massive, truly.
What is you spends the money the affection matter?
I'd likes making some sorting intelligent buttocks to comment here, but ' they' Perhaps kicks in mine its hanger-on …
Whether you do buy the false glass to look like are more intelligent?
Christ, does not have! I have true these that!
Whether you will smile to the stranger?
The smile bears your tooth, the right? As a result of I'm not affirmative I've obtained it to be skilled. The majority runs away…
What do you crave?
An enlightenment.
What do you listen to?
Chewing. Chews and splits.
What is your initial?
DSA.
You like the color gray?
In the heavy cloud, has many storms and anger, definitely!
Whether you do meet an appointment somebody 8 year age compared to you?
But I marry.
You think you' Again old?
Oh, Christ, is! But I will be impossible tomorrow! No matter what kind, I plan am for the 22nd century initial period …
Whether you are dark?
Humph? Who can be?
You like the thin fried cake?
Depends upon any they' Does again. After certain ingredients, adopts cleanly …
Has the opposite sex member in yours brains?
No, but, only then because of I haven' t at that time obtained me in jar's brains under the restroom.
You tell you to like them having the human today?
Yup.
Whether you do have facebook?
Then, possible. Its wouldn' t is any you thought that takes facebook. The bundle will be made from …
Before who is your, text from?
My wife.
You like the human who knew you liking them?
Because it causes her disgusting, I clear the anchor the nest clear; That should prove something … !
You and your mother talks last time?
Yesterday.
Affection cake?
Meat.
How is your hair?
As the intelligent collective, the hunger rules the world, but waited for that other my body hits its grand plan.
Any complaint?
But I' ll reorganizes God, when I have the old age finally (very long time from now on).
You late paused in last week?
' Up' which pauses; The suggestion sleeps.
Who' Your loss's telephone 1st lists personally s?
Possible one to die telemarketer. Who cared?
What you do receive the final text messaging which said?
Congratulation! You' ve won a freedom to travel to Bahamas, Florida, Hawaii, or some other places in the US! Text ' 9' Now requests your wonderful prize!
After yours MySpace song story?
If your truly difficult imagination, because of I don' , you can only hear it; t has a MySpace account?
If the people hate you not to have the reason, whether you did care?
15 1,000,000,000 years, the sun will expand from now on through the intrinsic planet, crisping all, it dies completely. Invests it in the perspective.
Wears?
I bring wear this advantage English daisy cutter doom penis's cannon!
Wants?
Dies bothersomely this should die coldness.
What do you smell?
This should die cold' Nasal mucus s warehouse?
You like the seafood?
Then, Jim Morrison said that " When the silent sea conspires the armor, and she not happy and is given up the tidal current cultivation small monster, the real navigation dies! "
Whether you do remember your dream?
If they are true. In … Now I' Hanging; m has confused…
Whether you did think you study the abnormal person?
My wasn' t studies the abnormal person, when I in school!
What last night have you made?
Breaking wind. Many! Good Christ I break wind many! What the sexual intercourse am I eating?
Whose bed you whether to have slept in last night?
I' ve is nailed fast to Santa Claus's roof. Hey, he only uses its one night of one even year and then it' His caribou's s can talk nonsense everywhere, when they waited for he provides the gift to when mine house. That reminds me, I sleeps next time regarding this, I' d improves cleanly …
Whether you do miss who?
I' ve answered in front of this question, but I like answering am many, I think I' d is redundant it: " Only with old rickets gun! "
What your 8th text messaging did say?
Congratulation! You' ve won a freedom to travel to Bahamas, Florida, Hawaii, or some other places in the US! Text ' 9' Now requests your wonderful prize!
You like hugging?
Certainly!
In where is your your friend's first person of name list?
That can be my wife. She' s in identical house. Oh, my God! There' a s strange person in house, is also! Oh, waiting … that' s I.
Whether u does want to dance?
Plate which slip in mine behind three? Christ, does not have!
Whether you do want to look at somebody this minute?
There' the s my enough room has not been able to rock repeatedly in mine hole, if others in here …
When is you sees you father's last time?
Yesterday.
Saturday, 16. August 2008, 01:37:41
smart arse, questions, humour, fun
...
Once again, I have blatantly stolen these quiz questions from the delightful Sarah. Not that she minds. Well, I hope she doesn't mind ...
How old will you turn in 2009?
38, but for most of it I'll be 37.
Are you a social person?
Oh, Christ, no! Go and fuck off!
What will you do tonight?
Lap up the blood after the ritual. You know ... the usual ...
Do you like coffee?
Only granulated and smushed into my eyeballs ... !
What song is in your head?
I can never hear it past all the screaming ...
Do you shut off the water while you brush your teeth?
Yeah, and it's a real pain when I want to rinse. I have to go back outside again and turn the water to the house back on ...
Do you prefer the ocean or pool?
There's too many witnesses in the ocean, but the screams draw more attention from neighbours at the pool, so it's much of a muchness, really.
What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
I'd like to make some sort of smart arse comment here, but 'they' might kick down my door for it ...
Did you ever buy fake glasses just to look smarter?
Christ, no! I have real ones for that!
Would you ever smile at a stranger?
Smiling is bearing your teeth, right? Because I'm not sure I've got it down pat. Most of them run away ...
What are you craving?
An apocalypse.
What are you listening to?
The crunching. The crunching and the splintering.
What are your initials?
DSA.
Do you like the color grey?
In heavy clouds, full of storm and fury, sure!
Would you date someone 8 years older than you?
No. But I am married.
Do you think you're old?
Oh, Christ, yes! But tomorrow I might not! Regardless, I plan to be around for the beginning of the 22nd century ...
Are you afraid of the dark?
Huh? Who would be?
Do you like pancakes?
Depends what they're made of. Certain ingredients take a lot of cleaning afterwards ...
Is there a member of the opposite gender on your mind?
No, but only because I haven't got my mind in the jar under the lounge at the moment.
Have you told anybody you loved them today?
Yup.
Do you have a facebook?
No. Well, maybe. It wouldn't be what you think of as a facebook. The binding would be made from ...
Who was your last text from?
My wife.
Does the person you like know that you like them?
I clean the cat litter because it makes her nauseous; that should prove something ... !
Last time you talked to your mom?
Yesterday.
Favorite pie?
Meat.
How is your hair?
As an intelligent collective, hungry to rule the world but waiting for the rest of my body to catch up to its grandiose schemes.
Any complaints?
Yeah, but I'll be sorting God out when I eventually get to the afterlife (a long time from now).
Latest you stayed up in the past week?
'Stayed up' implies sleeping.
Who's the 1st person on your missed calls list?
Probably some fucking telemarketer. Who cares?
What did the last text message you received say?
Congratulations! You've won a free trip to The Bahamas, Florida, Hawaii, or some other place in the US! Text '9' now to claim your fabulous prize!
Story behind your MySpace song?
You can only hear it if you imagine really hard because I don't have a MySpace account?
Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
Fifteen billion years from now, the sun will expand past the inner planets, crisping everything utterly as it dies. Put it in perspective.
Wearing?
My fetching paisley penile cannon of daisy-cutter doom!
Wanting?
This fucking cold to piss off.
What do you smell?
This fucking cold's storehouse of snot?
Do you like seafood?
Well, Jim Morrison did say, "When the still seas conspire an armour, and her sullen and aborted currents breed tiny monsters, true sailing is dead!"
Do you remember your dreams?
Like they were real. Hang on ... now I'm confused ...
Do you consider yourself a study freak?
I wasn't a study freak when I was in school!
What did you do last night?
Farted. A lot! Good Christ I farted a lot! What the fuck was I eating?
Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
The one I've nailed to the roof for Santa. Hey, he only uses it one night a year, and even then it's for his reindeer to crap all over while they wait for him to deliver presents to my house. That reminds me, next time I sleep on it, I'd better clean that off ...
Do you miss anyone?
I've answered this question before, but I liked the answer so much, I thought I'd repeat it:
"Only with the old rickety gun!"
What does your 8th text message say?
Congratulations! You've won a free trip to The Bahamas, Florida, Hawaii, or some other place in the US! Text '9' now to claim your fabulous prize!
Do you like to cuddle?
Sure!
Where is your number one person on your friends list?
That would be my wife. She's in the same house. Oh, my God! There's a strange man in the house, too! Oh, wait ... that's me.
Do u wanna dance?
With three slipped disks in my back? Christ, no!
Do you want to see someone this very minute?
No. There's not enough room for me to rock back and forth in my cave if someone else were here ...
When was the last time you saw your father?
Yesterday.
Sunday, 10. August 2008, 03:29:31
your stars, star sign, humor, humour
...
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Drat. Drat, drat, drat, drat, drat!
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
In a few weeks, when the test results come back, you won't be at all happy you, "caught it wif me mouf!"
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Get down from there ... !
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Put them away; it's nothing we haven't seen before.
Oh, okay ... one more time, then ...
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Sneeze on it all you like - I'm so hungry I don't care!
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Even though you couldn't see them, you had to have known it was your glass eyes you were eating, right?
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
If the wind changes direction, your hands will stay down there ...
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
That's gonna leave a mark ...
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Bleach. Yeah ... bleach ...
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Old people's false teeth - just like popcorn chicken!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Oh, sure you can blog about it, but don't come crying to me when they kick in your door and drag you away ...
Saturday, 28. June 2008, 03:29:54
angelina jolie, humour, zippo, search terms
...
Actual search terms people use to find their way to my blog. My replies. Let's get on with it:
Search Term
find email angelina jolie
Gasp - someone's cracked the secret celebrity code! That's right; all you have to do is enter 'find email' followed by the celebrity name of your choice into Google and you'll instantly be put in touch with your favourite celebrity! It's as simple as that! Can you believe it? I know I can't.
Search Term
can you see a dry socket
Since a mirror presents a technological hurdle to the person who entered this search term, we'll have to do this one old school. First, pop your eyeball out of its socket, being careful not to sever any of the nerves and suchlike. Gently pull the eyeball down until it's looking in your mouth. Make sure your other eye is closed (you don't want to give your brain conflicting messages when you're only concentrating on your mouth). Wait until the signals from the irreparably damaged eye stop being translated to your brain as white flashes and - through the haze of indescribable agony - you may just see what the inside of your mouth looks like. The dry socket is a region approximately ... appro ... hey ... hey, wake up, I'm talking, here. Hello? Hmm ... passed out from the pain. Oh, well.
Search Term
what is the cleanest part of a man's body
Oh, that's easy - his vagina! No, wait ...
Search Term
my cat meows loud in the middle of the night
This is perfectly normal behaviour in most felines, ranging from the humble housecat to the mighty lion. The simple way to stop your cat from doing this is to take your finger out of its arse. After that, ask yourself what a lion was doing in your house in the middle of the night.
And what your finger was doing up it.
Search Term
zippo keeps running out of fluid
That's because you're confusing 'lifetime guarantee' (which I've found to be horseshit, actually, because the one I bought years ago only lasted about six months before the flint crumbled into nothingness) with 'never have to follow the instructions to refill it'.
Search Term
house of sinanju toolbar
This would be an immensely funny (yet impractible) toolbar for fans of The Destroyer series of novels. Can you imagine? You move the cursor to 'Open' and Chuin's voice comes out of your computer speakers telling you, "The secrets of the glorious art of Sinanju are not available for a pale piece of pig's ear (though I have made an exception for Remo)". You go to 'View' and Chuin demands payment in gold before you see anything. You go to 'Edit' and Remo's hand comes out of the computer and tears your head off ...
What search terms have people used to find your blog?
Saturday, 24. May 2008, 10:22:25
horoscope, humor, astrology, humour
...
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Trephination of the roof of your mouth will continue apace, so long as you stay focused on your secret goal of being able to lick the back of your own eyeballs ... and keep a tight hold of that metal ruler.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
No matter how much sugar you put in them, those frog shit tarts just don't taste all that sweet.
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
It won't be long now ...
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Unfortunately, there was no guarantee the ziplock bag would hold that quantity of pus.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
At least you enjoyed that sandwich before you realized what was on it ...
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Phlegm: Not just a condiment.
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Yes, if you keep doing that, you will get your name in the paper.
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Patterning yourself after the guy who appeared in that show with the words 'Most Evil' in the title was never a good idea.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Make sure none of that gets on me!
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
If this keeps up, you won't even need teeth.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Remember all those jars with the snot in them? Now's the time, so grab the milk and tuck in ... !
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Learn how to wrap up a blog post.
Monday, 12. May 2008, 13:13:47
ad, humour, terri, housemates
...
The Big Brother Ad That Didn't Go to Air
Hi, I'm Mike Goldman and I'm here to ask; "Who will win Big Brother, 2008?"
It's up to you, Australia! But this year, it's different! Vote for your favourite housemate, and the three least popular housemates - as voted by you - will be up for eviction by the rest of the house!
For Brigitte just call one nine oh two double five double five and add six one
For Dixie just add six two
For Renee add six three
For Busty Bianca, just add six four
For Pretty-Boy, Rory, just add six six
For Grandma, Terri just add six seven
For Helium Addict, Travis, just add six eight
For Ben just add six nine
For Hunky Firefighter, David just add seven zero
For Skimpy Waitress, Rebecca just add seven one
For ...
- Ahem -
For Animal Doctor, Alice just add seven two
For ...
For Pete's sake, just ... just add seven four for Nut-Fondling, Nobbi
For crying out loud ... will you just add seven five for Nathan?
For fuck's sake! There's too many people on this fucking list!
Just ... just add something to get someone out before I completely lose the fucking plot!
Or ...
- Sniff -
Sorry ...
Or just ... just text nineteen ten ten and ... and their ... their n-names ...
And can someone just piss that fucking Corey off?!
Please ... for the love of God ...
S ... standard ... standard mobile rates apply. Calls are charged at ... at fifty five cents maxi ...
I mean ... I know they pay me to do this! But ... if I have to read this fucking list out for the eighty fifth time today I'm ... I'm gonna go postal ... !
- Sniff -
For ...
For ... Terms and Conditions ... g-go ... go to Big Brother dot Com dot Eh You.
Aaaagh! Fuck me sideways! There's that fucking word again!
"For!"
"For! For! For! For! For!"
I swear to Christ, if I ever say the word "for" again I'm gonna wade into the house and personally cannibalize every fucking housemate!
Ahhhhhhhhhghghghghhhhhhh!
Don't worry; it was just a bit of work-related stress. After a cup of tea and a good lie down, Mike was back at his post, so we could see him read the list for the eighty fifth time today after all.
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