Big Brother vs The X-Men
Sunday, 16. July 2006, 00:48:53
BIG BROTHER vs The X-Men - with a Special Guest Mention of … The Punisher (in an attempt to drive up sales):
"This … is Big Brother. Magneto to the Diary Room".
"Big Brother, how long can we keep this up … ?
Receiving no answer (and not really expecting one), Magneto rolls his eyes and trudges off to the Diary Room.
Instead of getting to the door and waiting for it to open like many of the other housemates, he uses his mutant power of magnetism to open it (without touching it) himself. Once inside and seated in the chair, he then uses his mastery of magnetism to similarly close the door.
"Magneto … "
"Yes, Big Brother?"
"Do you know why Big Brother has called you to the Diary Room?"
"No … why don't you tell me, Big Brother?"
"Magneto … "
"Yes, Big Brother?"
"Big Brother has received … complaints … "
"Complaints?"
"Big Brother has received complaints from the other housemates".
Shifting in the huge Diary Room chair and rearranging his cape, Magneto says disdainfully, "Young people … ! They have no idea … "
"Magneto … "
"Yes, Big Brother?"
"A number of the other housemates - particularly those with enhanced senses of smell like Wolverine and Sabretooth - have been complaining about … the smell … "
"The … smell?"
"Big Brother has received complaints about the 'old man' smell".
Righteously indignant now, Magneto fairly explodes.
"Those traitorous … !"
"Magneto … "
"They'll pay … I swear, they'll … "
"Magneto … "
" … yes, Big Brother?"
"Big Brother understands that you may not be the only housemate responsible for the smell … "
The Diary Room camera zooms in on Magneto's face as his eyes widen with understanding.
"Charles … "
Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. After taking a moment to compose himself, Magneto uses his mutant powers to open it.
Drifting in on his wheelchair, Professor Charles Xavier …
"You wanted to see me, Big Brother?"
"Professor … "
"Yes, Big Brother?"
"Big Brother did not call you to the Diary Room … "
"But you were going to … "
"Big Brot … what?"
"You were going to".
"But … you … ahem … Big Brother would like to remind you, Professor, that you are not to use your mutant powers to read Big Brother's … "
" … mind, of course".
"Sigh … Magneto … "
"Yes, Big Brother?"
"Magneto … go to the Punishment Room until Big Brother calls for you again".
"The … ?"
"Magneto … "
"But … "
"Magneto. Big Brother has directed you to go to the Punishment Room. If you do not go to the Punishment Room within the next ten seconds, Big Brother will fine you $ 5,000.00 and record a strike against you".
"But … but … "
"Magneto … you have been told to go to the Punishment Room. You have ten seconds to leave the Diary Room … "
"But … it's just that … "
"Magneto … is there a problem?"
"The … Punishment Room … "
"Yes?"
"It's just that … "
"Magneto. Big Brother is losing patience … "
"It's Frank Castle!"
"Frank … ? The Punisher? What is wrong with Frank Castle?"
"What's wrong with him? The man is a raving psychopath!"
"Magneto … Big Brother has repeatedly told you that it is your responsibility - as well as the responsibility of every housemate - to try to live under the same roof in as harmonious a manner as … "
"But … but he's converted all his metal weapons into ceramic to stop my powers working on them … "
"Magneto. Big Brother is awarding you a $ 5,000.00 fine and a strike. As you know, you are able to receive only three strikes in total before you are automatically up for eviction".
Magneto fumes, but slowly gathers his cape and heads for the door.
"And Magneto … ?"
"Sigh … yes, Big Brother?"
"Big Brother would like you to refrain from using your magnetic powers to disrupt the cameras in the bathroom while you and Nightcrawler are showering. Big Brother does, after all, have a large percentage of gay viewers … "
Sighing again, Magneto turns towards the door of the Diary Room. His powers open it before him, and close it after him as he heads off - with great trepidation - for the Punishment Room.
"Big Brother".
"Eh? Oh … Professor. Yes. Big Brother wanted to … "
" … talk to me about the 'old man' smell, yes".
"Professor. Big Brother … "
" … doesn't want me reading his mind, I know. But … consider this: Eric and I aren't necessarily the oldest people here".
" … "
"Due to his mutant healing ability, Wolverine's aging has been retarded. Physically, he's in his mid-to-late thirties. In actuality, though, he could well be older than me … "
" … "
"I'll call him in on my way out, shall I?"
" … "
"I know, I know. 'That is all'".
Professor Xavier wheels out (having to wait for the door to open at Big Brother's behest because - although he possesses the strongest telepathic mind on the planet - he lacks Magneto's mastery of metal).
The door closes.
Three unbreakable adamantium claws honed to razor sharpness suddenly puncture it before slicing around in a large circle. The cut away piece is kicked in by a black-booted foot.
"Wolverine … "
"Buuurppp".
"Wolverine … "
… scratch scratch scratch scratch …
"Wolverine … Big Brother has … "
"This better be good! I was watching Jean have a shower … "
"Wolverine! Big Brother … "
"And we're outta beer!"
"Big … what?"
"Beer! None left!"
"But … but … yesterday was Shopping Day. And - against the will of the other housemates - you used the Grocery Budget on nothing but beer".
"Yeah, an' it's gone".
"But … but you bought forty kegs … "
"Yeah, an' I drank it".
"You … ?"
"I had to. Nightcrawler wouldn't stop bitching that I didn't get him any 'Communion Wine' last week … or somethin'".
"But … "
"An' Juggernaut just kept goin' on an' on about wanting Tylenol … "
"But … "
"An' Summers kept nagging me about eye drops … "
"Wolverine, Big Bro … "
"An' Rogue an' Storm!! 'Can you get me some hair colour, Logan? Please? Pleeeaassseee???' It was drivin' me nuts. I needed beer ta relax from it all. Otherwise I could'a gotten … grumpy … "
"But … "
"You wouldn't want me grumpy, would ya?"
"Uh … no".
"Right, well get some more beer in here".
"Uh … uh … "
"Now!"
"Uh … Big Brother knows there's some beer in a truck out back. But … but it isn't cold yet … "
"No problem. That's what we got Iceman for … "
"Uh … "
"Anythin' else?"
"Uh … no. That is all".
"Good".
Wolverine then stalks back out through the hole in the door he made.
In the silence of the room, Big Brother's sigh of relief can be heard …
If you're of a mind, hitch a ride on the arrow of time and come on back next week!
"This … is Big Brother. Magneto to the Diary Room".
"Big Brother, how long can we keep this up … ?
Receiving no answer (and not really expecting one), Magneto rolls his eyes and trudges off to the Diary Room.
Instead of getting to the door and waiting for it to open like many of the other housemates, he uses his mutant power of magnetism to open it (without touching it) himself. Once inside and seated in the chair, he then uses his mastery of magnetism to similarly close the door.
"Magneto … "
"Yes, Big Brother?"
"Do you know why Big Brother has called you to the Diary Room?"
"No … why don't you tell me, Big Brother?"
"Magneto … "
"Yes, Big Brother?"
"Big Brother has received … complaints … "
"Complaints?"
"Big Brother has received complaints from the other housemates".
Shifting in the huge Diary Room chair and rearranging his cape, Magneto says disdainfully, "Young people … ! They have no idea … "
"Magneto … "
"Yes, Big Brother?"
"A number of the other housemates - particularly those with enhanced senses of smell like Wolverine and Sabretooth - have been complaining about … the smell … "
"The … smell?"
"Big Brother has received complaints about the 'old man' smell".
Righteously indignant now, Magneto fairly explodes.
"Those traitorous … !"
"Magneto … "
"They'll pay … I swear, they'll … "
"Magneto … "
" … yes, Big Brother?"
"Big Brother understands that you may not be the only housemate responsible for the smell … "
The Diary Room camera zooms in on Magneto's face as his eyes widen with understanding.
"Charles … "
Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. After taking a moment to compose himself, Magneto uses his mutant powers to open it.
Drifting in on his wheelchair, Professor Charles Xavier …
"You wanted to see me, Big Brother?"
"Professor … "
"Yes, Big Brother?"
"Big Brother did not call you to the Diary Room … "
"But you were going to … "
"Big Brot … what?"
"You were going to".
"But … you … ahem … Big Brother would like to remind you, Professor, that you are not to use your mutant powers to read Big Brother's … "
" … mind, of course".
"Sigh … Magneto … "
"Yes, Big Brother?"
"Magneto … go to the Punishment Room until Big Brother calls for you again".
"The … ?"
"Magneto … "
"But … "
"Magneto. Big Brother has directed you to go to the Punishment Room. If you do not go to the Punishment Room within the next ten seconds, Big Brother will fine you $ 5,000.00 and record a strike against you".
"But … but … "
"Magneto … you have been told to go to the Punishment Room. You have ten seconds to leave the Diary Room … "
"But … it's just that … "
"Magneto … is there a problem?"
"The … Punishment Room … "
"Yes?"
"It's just that … "
"Magneto. Big Brother is losing patience … "
"It's Frank Castle!"
"Frank … ? The Punisher? What is wrong with Frank Castle?"
"What's wrong with him? The man is a raving psychopath!"
"Magneto … Big Brother has repeatedly told you that it is your responsibility - as well as the responsibility of every housemate - to try to live under the same roof in as harmonious a manner as … "
"But … but he's converted all his metal weapons into ceramic to stop my powers working on them … "
"Magneto. Big Brother is awarding you a $ 5,000.00 fine and a strike. As you know, you are able to receive only three strikes in total before you are automatically up for eviction".
Magneto fumes, but slowly gathers his cape and heads for the door.
"And Magneto … ?"
"Sigh … yes, Big Brother?"
"Big Brother would like you to refrain from using your magnetic powers to disrupt the cameras in the bathroom while you and Nightcrawler are showering. Big Brother does, after all, have a large percentage of gay viewers … "
Sighing again, Magneto turns towards the door of the Diary Room. His powers open it before him, and close it after him as he heads off - with great trepidation - for the Punishment Room.
"Big Brother".
"Eh? Oh … Professor. Yes. Big Brother wanted to … "
" … talk to me about the 'old man' smell, yes".
"Professor. Big Brother … "
" … doesn't want me reading his mind, I know. But … consider this: Eric and I aren't necessarily the oldest people here".
" … "
"Due to his mutant healing ability, Wolverine's aging has been retarded. Physically, he's in his mid-to-late thirties. In actuality, though, he could well be older than me … "
" … "
"I'll call him in on my way out, shall I?"
" … "
"I know, I know. 'That is all'".
Professor Xavier wheels out (having to wait for the door to open at Big Brother's behest because - although he possesses the strongest telepathic mind on the planet - he lacks Magneto's mastery of metal).
The door closes.
Three unbreakable adamantium claws honed to razor sharpness suddenly puncture it before slicing around in a large circle. The cut away piece is kicked in by a black-booted foot.
"Wolverine … "
"Buuurppp".
"Wolverine … "
… scratch scratch scratch scratch …
"Wolverine … Big Brother has … "
"This better be good! I was watching Jean have a shower … "
"Wolverine! Big Brother … "
"And we're outta beer!"
"Big … what?"
"Beer! None left!"
"But … but … yesterday was Shopping Day. And - against the will of the other housemates - you used the Grocery Budget on nothing but beer".
"Yeah, an' it's gone".
"But … but you bought forty kegs … "
"Yeah, an' I drank it".
"You … ?"
"I had to. Nightcrawler wouldn't stop bitching that I didn't get him any 'Communion Wine' last week … or somethin'".
"But … "
"An' Juggernaut just kept goin' on an' on about wanting Tylenol … "
"But … "
"An' Summers kept nagging me about eye drops … "
"Wolverine, Big Bro … "
"An' Rogue an' Storm!! 'Can you get me some hair colour, Logan? Please? Pleeeaassseee???' It was drivin' me nuts. I needed beer ta relax from it all. Otherwise I could'a gotten … grumpy … "
"But … "
"You wouldn't want me grumpy, would ya?"
"Uh … no".
"Right, well get some more beer in here".
"Uh … uh … "
"Now!"
"Uh … Big Brother knows there's some beer in a truck out back. But … but it isn't cold yet … "
"No problem. That's what we got Iceman for … "
"Uh … "
"Anythin' else?"
"Uh … no. That is all".
"Good".
Wolverine then stalks back out through the hole in the door he made.
In the silence of the room, Big Brother's sigh of relief can be heard …
If you're of a mind, hitch a ride on the arrow of time and come on back next week!
(47%)
WIDGETIZE
Sarah # 16. July 2006, 02:05
LMAO
Sarah # 16. July 2006, 02:07
David Scott Aubrey # 16. July 2006, 03:16
(I agree, by the way. Even if Camilla didn't feel it was sexual harassment, having one guy hold her down while the other guy whacked her in the face with his penis is - IMO - sexual assault).
If you want more details, go to http://www.insidebigbrother.com/showarticle.php?id=200
Sarah # 17. July 2006, 00:55
David Scott Aubrey # 17. July 2006, 09:35
Then she climbed in there with them.
And they turkey slapped her.
Of course, when she said she'd had enough, the one holding her down let her go and the other one stopped.
She said she thought it went a bit far, but that it was all in good fun and meant as a laugh. She was apparently quite unhappy about them being evicted.
Just plain wrong, if you ask me. Whether she knew it was coming and let them do it, or not.
Okay ... looking down, I can see just how far up my high horse has gotten! Stepping off n .......
.... OWWW!
JCL # 17. July 2006, 15:05
I am a big fan of the X-Men and have been for many years (would you expect any less from a self-confessed Geek?)
Anyway, this post reminds me so much of this other blog I discovered recently:
http://professorxavier.blogspot.com/
There are a whole lot of related X-Men blogs but I haven't had a chance to go through those yet. But this one is quite hilarious.
I am not a fan of "Big Brother" though. Maybe the overseas versions have something to them but the South African one I have actually renamed "Big Bore". It really is a yawn and I hope they never make another one.
Anyway, thanks for the laugh. Keep it coming
JCL.
David Scott Aubrey # 18. July 2006, 00:54
Agh! Pressure ... !
Only kidding.
I'll do my best. Thanks for writing, y'all!
Re: http://professorxavier.blogspot.com/ - Funny Stuff! Not just posts from the Prof, though! Cyke got a bit of space, too (and more, probably - haven't read it all yet):
And here I thought his mutant power was his eye beams. Turns out it's letting people know he's there with his tongue!
Nix # 20. July 2006, 19:34
Please translate for the thinking impaired?
Or do I really not want to know??
David Scott Aubrey # 21. July 2006, 09:01
After perusing different links (Urban Dictionary and suchlike), I decided to simply lift a sentence from the article I mentioned in the post:
Curiously, there have been reports of similar incidents (since the one on Big Brother) occurring in schools.
Kids (okay ... teenagers ... as I get older (I'm nearly 35), I start referring to anyone under the age of eighteen as 'kids') being influenced by something they see on or hear about from TV? Go figure!
Sarah # 21. July 2006, 15:36
David # 24. July 2006, 21:38
David Scott Aubrey # 25. July 2006, 10:59
YEE OWWWW!
Imagine if the sleeping person suffered bruxism!
Actually, in this instance, I think 'Turkey Slapping' is done when the person is awake. From what I can tell, 'Teabagging' is done when the person is asleep.
Now ... I don't want to gross people out too much, but just think ... there's the distincy possibility that a person who has been 'Teabagged' might wake up in the morning wondering where the hair between their teeth came from.
And - on that delightful piece of imagery ...