things.

Wordle.net

Cool site that lets you create word clouds like this one (click it to see the original Java/clearer version):



This word cloud was created from the blog posts that covered my mom's passing away a couple of years ago.

C.

I spoke with Gwyn, Vahl & Ruk earlier this evening. Apparently, Ruk left for home early this morning. Unfortunately, her plane was diverted to Kansas City due to the ridiculous wind speeds in Chicago. It stretched out an already long ~4 hour flight to about 9+ hours of being on the plane either in the air or on the ground. Brutal. Ruk is home, but was sounding understandably tired.

My conversations with Gwyn and Ruk touched on our own grieving processes. All in all, we're just trying to get back into the routine of our lives. Today, I heard a concept that I'd not heard before. A friend of ours, Paula, shared how someone she knows described herself as a "40 year-old orphan" when her father died. Later, when I spoke with Ruk, she used almost the same phrase when she described my siblings and I as "orphans" now that Mom has died. When your parents die, in a sense, it doesn't matter how old you are . . . you're without your parents. In a sense, life's just different now.

Last year, when we broke the news to our mom that papa had died, her response surprised us all. It was something to the effect of: "Well, you're born and then eventually you die. That's how life goes." Each of us wondered if Mama was grasping what we were talking about as her short term memory had been fluctuating a bit at that time. Or perhaps it was how she was manifesting her shock prior to the grief setting in. Or perhaps it was her rather matter-of-fact approach to life.

All of us are at various points in our individual processes of grieving over our mom's death. From my standpoint, it's the closest we've been as siblings. It's a well-worn observation that families often get together only when there's a tragedy. As true as that may be of our family and other families, there is a silver lining: there's also a deepening in our relationships and understanding as we work through and shoulder that common difficulty. As I had shared in previous postings, I learned a lot from my siblings about their experiences in the Philippines and in their transition to the United States. There were things about our family that I'd never known -- primarily because either I wasn't born yet or because I was so young at the time. My conversations with my brothers and sisters are different now. Don't get me wrong, we're not perfect and there are still times of friction and misunderstanding. However, at least for me, it's been a good experience of bonding with my older siblings more than we've really had opportunity thus far.

I'm thankful for that.

C.

Sunday, 4.23.2006 @ 8:00pm
I'm on the plane flying back home from Seattle. I've started to read through a bound book that looks like it contains approximately 127 pages of poems or "lines" as the preface calls them. From what I can infer from the preface, it sounds like my dad and my mom worked together to compile the poetry my mom wrote over a two year period from 1949 to 1950.

The preface says that this "volume is a collection of all the poetic writings of RSA." RSA were the initals of my mom: Rosalina Sasoy Aguellon. The preface ends with,

"It is our interest in poetry that has made this collection possible. But the foremost inspiration was Love."

with the initals of "FTE" as the author of the preface. FTE were the initals of my father: Francisco Tagle Escudero.

So far, I'm almost half-way through the book and I find it pretty amazing. I'm not a huge poetry fan or student by any measure. The only poetry I really read with any regularity and identify with is Biblical poetry as in the Psalms or some of the other Old Testament books. Words are significant for me as well. So on one level, I can appreciate what I'm reading. I have found many deeply descriptive and intriguing word plays and pictures in my mom's poetry. I'm not sure how these would be received by another reader, but since I know that my mom wrote these lines . . . I catch myself looking to see if I can understand what she was thinking or had in mind when she wrote them. Much of what I've read so far, I can totally see them coming from her -- it's just unmistakably her style and wording. I would love to build a visual and musical collage around these lines of prose, but it's daunting. We'll have to see what becomes of this new "project."

The poems are filled with much about love, longing, passion, sorrow, hope, distress . . . take this excerpt for instance:

Let my songs be the carpet of thine life and my love the cloak of thine heart.

On one level, those are just words. However, on a different level, those are words of intimate longing and desire between a husband and a wife. The imagery this conjurs up is quite beautiful if you stop and think about it. Songs of praise & encouragement, support and love would soften the walk along life's path. The lover's love covering & warming, protecting and shielding the heart of the beloved. I think it was a deep love for one another that my parents shared.

A while back, I once heard a sermon on the radio where the pastor talked about how seminaries in previous centuries required students to have a well-established command of the English language. One example of an assignment: On paper, detail 100 different ways to express the sentiment of "That was pleasing to me, thank you." That would be an amazing and intimidating exercise to my 21st century mind to try and come up with a hundred different ways to communicate that sense. No wonder 17th century English is so eloquent, but hard to follow to a modern reader. We don't know jack in comparison! (Oh the irony in that last line . . . )

What I'm finding is that in the limited exposure that I've had to Mom's poetry so far, I can totally see how much thought and care she poured into the words she chose. That's totally Ma!

Amazed,

C.

I've known that Mom was a poet. I'd not seen many of her poems, but found out that we have a single bound book that contains many of her poems. Here is one of them that had won an award when she was in college and was later published.

C.
______________________
REALIZATION OF BEAUTY

You are beautiful in the body He created,
Yet I see you beyond the opaqueness of this matter;
That is why there are distances in my gazes,
And seasons in my voices:
For I know you in my secret!

You gaze at me, perchance to seek that which
only your sight can reach;
And yet, I behold the thickness of the mist,
That covers your weakened sight;
That is why there are gaps in my words
and undecided flight in my consciousness!

You try to anchor in my sensitive ears,
The flutter of your lovely subtle thoughts;
I am gladdened for they are passwords of my life,
That I open the heavy-chained gates of trance --
But I find you unmoving in your stand:
for your sight fails to see the gates beyond.
my gladness!

That is why the abyss that makes the streams of
my songs,
At times get dried and parched in the heat of your
unknown blindness-- leaving
But deserted traces of the intermittent spring
of joyful understanding!

_{Copyright 1949, Rosie Escudero}

_{Mom with Vril, Riel, Gwyn, Ruk & baby Vahl in 1963} Okay, I've been in Seattle for about 4 and a half hours and we've eaten 3.5 meals.

After I was picked up, we went to TGIFridays for dinner. We got home and found out Melody was here with Randy and she had brought Pizza Hut pizzas (so, you know . . . I had to have a piece . . . to be polite ). Vril, Riel, Levi and I walked to the local grocery store to pick up some stuff and walk off our dinner. I bought a cantalope and made cantalope juice when we got back. A little while later, Deva showed up with that amazing Greek Salad, 2 Seafood Caesar salads (Dungeoness Crab & Shrimp!) and a half Kitchen-sink pizza (I've NEVER seen a pizza with this much pepperoni on it)/half-Shrimp+Feta Cheese+olive oil+ spinach pizza. The seafood caesar was delicious. I can't even look at the pizza.

We're all really full. Obviously.

Aside from that, my siblings and I decided to get away for the weekend just to spend some time together -- just us siblings & Neng. To put that in perspective, in the last 17 or so years, we've all been in one place all of 3 times: once when Pop died last year, once a week and a half ago and right now. Vril came out after all! So, it's really great to be together.

Over dinner, Vahl shared details about the last moments with Mom. I, for one, am grateful that Vahl was there with her to the end. Again, we all were spending time with her vicariously through him. We also did a bit of reminiscing about that Sunday evening when Mom was last awake and interacting with us. We all cherish the time with her and the opportunities we had to share our goodbyes.

As I type, everyone else is upstairs (we're at Gwyn's . . . that's where the food is) watching a DVD of a Los Lonely Boys concert. I've never heard of them, but it just reminds me of how our family spent some time living in Santa Paula, California. I can almost hear them saying, "Carlos Santana Forever!"

Seeking to be salt & light,

C.

p.s. I also scanned and uploaded some hysterical school pictures of my siblings from the early 1970's into one of the photo albums. What a hoot!

I just received a call from Vahl. He said that there wasn't much change from last night when we spoke, but that Mom's blood pressure is trending downward. I think he said that it was 90/52 last night and 90/50 this morning. Vahl then said something to the effect of maybe Mom was hanging on for today, as it's Papa's birthday.

Some in our family are really good with keeping track and planning for everyone's birthdays. Others are not. Unfortunately, I'm in the latter grouping. I noticed the reminder on my handheld calendar this morning that today was his birthday. He would have been 76 today. Wow. I don't really know how to put into words what I'm feeling about that right now, so I'll have to leave it at that: wow.

_{L to R: Jodi, Deva, Ruk, Gwyn, Valerie, Melodie, Gabs, Jenai & Jackie in 2003}Gwyn said that yesterday evening, Jenai & Melody stopped by. Jenai had flown in from California, so it had been good to see her again. There's something in our family, apparently, called "the Jenai rule" -- whenever Jenai visits, she must have lumpia (which is Filipino egg rolls). Ruk & Gwyn fulfilled the Jenai rule and I'm sure there was much mirth . . . and eating as a result. Jenai & Melody stopped in and stayed with Mom until 2:30am(!). That was very sweet.

Gwyn said she's feeling the exhaustive effects of running at the pace with working, family & friends visiting and spending time with Mom. I can totally understand how tiring that is. Thankfully, she continues to keep a good and welcome spirit about all that's going on.

Being that it's Easter (He is Risen! He is Risen, indeed!), everyone normally gathers at a home for a (/another) Filipino feast. Thankfully, Eowyn (love that name!) the grief counselor stopped by to see our family that was staying with Mom. Wisely, she advised that everyone take at least a few hours. She also advised that everyone should say, "goodbye" to our mom, in the event that she decided to let go. Playfully, Gwyn said that she found out that no one actually said, "goodbye" -- instead everyone said, "Mom, we'll be back later." Then everyone went over to Bading's (she's a friend of Neng's) for some good food & family/friend time.

When I spoke with Gwyn, she was waiting for Vahl so that they could go back and sit with Mom. Apparently, Ruk's flight left for home this afternoon, which means she'll be home later tonight. Man, SeaTac to Midway is a really long flight. Four+ hours in addition to a two hour time change -- just enough to really mess up a traveler.

Today was my first time at our new church campus. It's refreshing to be within 10 minutes of our church meeting place. The second campus met for the first time while Caleb & I were in Seattle last week. It was a good and thoughtful service. There were some minor glitches as we're all still getting in the groove of the new facility -- we didn't have access to the thermostat to turn the airconditioning on so it was a bit warm and there were some really minor miscues that I'm sure will be recalled fondly, Lord willing, years from now after the new campus is more established.

One thing that I think is a good, healthy & edifying thing that our church does is provide open sharing times around specific themes in the worship service. Today, they requested that people share something about how the Lord gave them hope, since Easter is about the new birth of hope in Christ. I actually stood up and shared what was going on with our Mom. I really just shared about what I had blogged about earlier: that the Lord is everywhere per Psalm 139 and that He's with my Mom wherever her mind/consciousness might be right now. My prayer is that He and she are interacting on eternal things and that His salvation would be accepted by my Mom. This is a great source of hope that is only possible because of what the Lord has done in the past through raising Christ & conquering what John Piper called "the biggest enemy we ever had": Death. I didn't expect to choke up a little when I was sharing this with the congregation, so it threw me a bit and I obliterated the verses from Psalm 139 that I had in mind to share with everyone, but I think they got the idea and the Lord was rightfully praised.

Seeking to see clearly,

C.

I talked with Vahl again this afternoon. Mom is mainly sleeping. She still hasn't eaten anything since Monday. The hospice staff is just taking steps to make her comfortable and noting her vital signs. Vahl said he & Ruk spend their time holding Mom's hand and talking to her. They've told her that it's okay to let go.

That's hard in one sense and not hard in another. _{Me, Ruk, Mom, Vahl, Gwyn & Riel at Christmas, 2003}In one way, none of us want to say goodbye to our Mom. We love her and I think we all envisioned our Mom's golden years being different than what they were. Our mom worked hard all of her life being the primary bread-winner in our family while our Dad traveled, spoke, wrote and pursued Theosophy. I think my mom bought at least 2 or 3 family cars while our Dad was out of town. I have memories of him coming back and wondering where the new car came from. At least twice, I remember hearing him say, "Oh, I was waiting for this next model that's due out next year . . . but that's okay, this is a nice car" with a little shrug of his hands and a smile. Mom's health problems began several years ago while she was in the Phillipines for the funeral of her last sister/sibling. Understandably, it hit her very hard as she realized she was the last of her immediate family still left alive. She had another brother that passed away years before (I don't really know any details of that situation) and her mom, Mamaling (a Filipino nickname that's short for "Mama Darling") passed in 1991 (on Jodi and I's wedding day, of all days) waiting for our family to visit her in the Phillipines. Her last several years were filled with physical weakness, constant oxygen feeds and coughing fits.

In another way, it's not quite so hard to say goodbye, as since she struggled and suffered as much as she did in recent years, months and weeks. We want our mother to rest and be at peace. As I've posted previously, we're glad that our mom has been able to sleep over the last week while they gave her morphine so she could get some relief from her coughing spasms.

I was able to see my mom at Christmas in 2004, when Dad died in April of 2005 and last week. Living in another state, busy with growing kids makes visits a bit complicated. Actually, last April was the first time in about 14 years since all of us as siblings were in one place with our parents. Life and busy-ness happens.

Still thankful for the time we've had together,

C.

^{Mom & Pop in the 1970's} My sister Gwyn said that our other sister, Ruk, had some time alone with mom. While she was feeding her and chatting with her, my mom asked Ruk, "Who's that good looking man?" Ruk looked around and saw that they were alone and asked, "What man, Ma?" To which Mom replied, "Your papa." Ruk asked, "Where is he?" In the characteristic Filipino way, my mom said (phonetically) "doo-oon" which means "over there" and pointed with her lips to over my sister's shoulder. At that, Ruk was in tears. We all miss my Dad, but in my opinion, Ruk misses him the most, so this was particularly significant.

I, for one, am glad that Mom is reliving these significant memories and seeing those that she loved most. I'm also glad that we've been around to interact with her in them. I have to smile when I think about our interactions on Sunday night when we were explaining to her that she was 79 years old and that her youngest child (me) was already 36 years old -- she would just get this surprised look on her face and say (incredulously, with her jaw dropped) "Talaga?!" which means, "Really?!" or "is that really so?" followed by "You're joking me." Too funny (in a warm and good way).

I eluded to it earlier, but I do have to say that this has been such a different experience than when Pop passed away this month, last year. His was too fast as he died while several of us were still flying home. That was hard. With our mom, I really have appreciated the interactive times with her. It's still hard, but just in a different way as we are watching mom's health fade and her body shut down slowly. When we were sitting with her in the hospice facility, I'm sure it seemed like an eternity to my 7 year old son, but for me, the time seemed to fly by even though I was just mainly sitting around, talking, praying & napping. Again, I will continue to cherish the "farewell" interactions with my mom. I'm not sure how much she heard or perceived of the prayers that I was offering on her behalf, but I know the Lord heard them.

When my mom was sleeping so much, it just occured to me that God could also be talking and interacting with her regardless of wherever her mind might have been. Psalm 139:7-10 described God as being everywhere:

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there you hand shall lead me and your right hand shall hold me.

^{My Grandfather, Mom and me when I was 4 months old}I have no assurances of where my mom stood spiritually before God. My parents were Theosophists. But like the last twenty years of praying for my parents since I became a Christian in high school, I can only ask God to extend His mercy and grace to draw my mom to Himself in His mysterious way (as I prayed for my Dad before he died). For whatever reason, He chose to extend them to me those years ago (as he continues to extend grace & mercy on a daily basis, truth be told) and I responded, I just pray that my mom would respond as well. Either way, I know that God is good all the time and trust that He knows what He's doing.

Praising & trusting God,

C.

Mom slept pretty much all day. There were some interactive spurts in the morning, but she really didn't eat, drink or do anything other than sleep until about 9:45pm. Prior to 9:45, we all pretty much hung out in or around Mom's room at the hospice facility. Deva and Lisa stopped by (bringing with them an amazing Greek salad from the restaurant where Deva works). Gwyn and I bounced back and forth between her house where we took care of kids and the hospice room with Ma. Again, being Filipino, much food and eating ensued (homemade ginitang, salted eggs and tomatoes, rice, and other stuff . . . gonna have a lot of gym visits to catch up on at home).

^{My parents with some of the grandkids in 2004}In the afternoon, Ma pretty much barely moved at all beyond breathing. And then . . . at around 9:45pm, a nurse stopped in and we helped reposition my mom in her bed. Ma woke up and began talking, asking questions, eating and drinking and interacting with us. For the next 90 minutes or so, she ate & drank a relative "ton" compared to the last couple of days. She had lots of questions for us as it seems like she had been dreaming or hallucinating quite a bit. She seemed to think that she was in the hospital recovering from having a baby, so she asked to see the baby. She apparently was reliving some memories from early in my mom & dad's marriage -- she referenced her parents, her wedding and having kids. Repetitively, she asked where her babies were and when we explained that we were her children and that we were grown up, she paused and responded, "You're joking me." One of the interchanges, we said that she had six children. Her eyes opened up wide and she responded in tagalog saying, "Amazing!" as she thought she had just delivered sextuplets. There were many rounds of clarifications as well as helping her understand where she was and that insurance was covering the bills for her hospital stay. Ma was quite anxious and complained about pain on her sternum (most likely from when the EMS staff performed CPR on her when they picked her up originally). The nurses gave her some meds for her pain and also a little to help her relax.

The glassy look in her eyes seemed to clear up quite a bit. Sweetly, she looked at both Gwyn & Ruk repeating softly, "beautiful girls, beautiful girls." She then turned to Vahl and I repeating, "handsome boys, handsome boys." It's just something that Ma used to tell us when we were young that I remember about growing up in our home. Sadly, she asked were Papa was and when she heard that he had died last year, she looked surprised as if hearing it for the first time. It seems like she remembered though as we talked some more. Throughout the hour and a half of interaction, she knew that she was confused and not thinking very clearly as she admitted it several times. I could see that she was trying really hard to remember things, but she seemed to forget and the cycle of questions would continue.

While it was great to see Mom so alive and interactive, it also reminded all of us that her body and mind are in the process of shutting down. We noticed that her skin temperature was much cooler than it had been in previous days. The nurse made the observation that she was reliving some of her significant memories. ^{Family that visited when my Dad passed away in April 2005}Towards the end of the interactions, Mom made some comments about how being with us was "the best, most amazing dream she's ever had." That seemed to catch a sentiment of where she was -- drifting in and out of memories and reality and dreams, trying to make some sense of it all.

Riel, Ruk and I had some short, but significant conversations about our own grieving processes in light of where Ma is at now and when Pop passed last year. We touched on conversations between my Dad and I about ultimate things, differing world views and a bit on where some of those world views come from. But, that's another set of stories for another time.

Praying for a softer heart, thicker skin and words in season,

C.