Genesis

Well, I've been "high" for the past three years or so. In the beginning I thought that it was great, being somehow detached from the world around me. No real responsibility, no worries, no problems. After a while it just got routine, like anything, say eating your favourite food eventually your favourite food will no longer be as such, just another day.

I've been abusing (formerly I belived it to be using but I realise there is a finate line between the two) GHB, benzodiazepines, specifically mogadon (nitrazepam) and valium (diazepam), opiates, primarily heroin but also dihydrocodiene and codeine when heroin is not financially viable. Also periodically Ketamine and of course alcohol. In the past three years I would never have passed a drugs test.

While the heroin and ketamine are both injectable I have managed to stray from that path through mostly fear of death, I realised the other day that a heroin habit could easily be achieved and sustained through selling heroin to choice people and using needles, I thought back to my first drug experience; Hashish (soapbar common european stuff)

"Never would I take ecstacy man"
"Nah fuck that, people die"

One hurdle to the other, I realised that eventually that I would never be a millionare and retired by the time I was 21 laughing at my peers drinking champagne from the arse cracks of high priced, quality whores.

So my drug career expanded and here is the list in order, this started at the age of 16.

Hash

Ecstacy

Amphetamine

(this would be me till the age of about 17 when I needed to know more)

Intravenous use started with amphetamines, generally I would pace myself at one hit a hour, one hit under overdose but enough so I could feel the subtle chills of it smashing into my brain as it moved up my arm to the target. I was always clean and I am tested HepC negative, which is splendid as other unfortunate cunts around me are dying like mad, some are freinds.

GHB (you can buy drugs online? hmm yes you can)

Opiates, for backpain, I would get an unlimited supply from the doctor from now on, Codiene.

Cocaine

Various designer drugs, 2c-e/b/d

Ketamine

Heroin

I know there are missing parts to the above but they obviously didnt warrant a big enough flagstone moment in my life that I can remember at 1:20AM, all obvious stuff like alcohol and smoking ommited, they are part of everyday life.

Sitting looking at this I'm not sure what to say, I'm not used to speaking about myself so much. Heres some more info about me and why I'm doing this.

I'm now 21, unemployed, depressed, scared and ultimately alone. Speaking about being 21, I spent that birthday in a ketamine abusing stupor, I would be kicked out of home soon after this, my mother would suffer seeing me like that, in a trance and stupified on benzos and ketamine for most of my waking day.

So Why am I doing this?

Last week I spend 6 days "holiday" in the scottish city of Aberdeen, this was supposed to be fun. Anyway as soon as I arrived we got down to business, wheres the heroin? One day off gear is bad enough, needed to get back on, it feels like shit coming off.

Now with the gear in my lap I got down to ingesting it every waking moment I had, stopping only to drink milkshake and smoke and occasionally speak to the other people in the room but they were not important.

Somewhere into about the 5th day we couldnt get gear from the usual chap who seemed to be chaffuer driven around the city in a crappy car making deliveries all night, so we had to call someone else, a older guy, about 40. We met him in the dodgiest area of the city, all the houses windows boarded up. I remember commenting on how much of a shit hole the place looked, like some sort of dodgy russian death estate run by gun runners and heroin dealers. This was probably not far from the truth.

This man, I dont even know his name, took us into his house, I say house, think bottom floor of a heavily boarded up building, no one looked like they could live in this place. I looked at him and seen humanity coming through, he was once a normal person like you perhaps, but not like me, I was on the making to becoming him. A bashed up man with his eyes sunk into his head and dark, he looked messed up and like he had been like that for quite some time. He showed me a WWII aeroplane he was glueing together, my great uncle had made one just like it, I imagine he bought it from a second hand store for 25 pence or something. Yet deep inside his addiction there was still a man. Using the same needle that he had been using over and over by the looks of it, a thick gauge intramuscular 2 part needle with a 5ml plunger. Not for the job of injecting heroin. My freind dumped some heroin on his spoon and dragged me out the house with him so we could get into the gear.

Sometime over the next few days I must have considered his life or I wouldnt have written so much about him. I dont think he had a life, more an existance. Why would this make me think of giving up drugs? I realised he was me, just later. After smoking the socially acceptable herb discussing why I wouldnt take ecstacy I realised that I would be him some day.

When you give up on becoming the person you wanted to become, you are nothing.

The heroin has just left my system properly now for the first time in ages today, days of mania, sweating, uncomfortableness and not being able to sleep. All gone, I'd cut down on benzos for a while now and while metabolites will still be in my system they are not at the forefront of my psyke.

Is this the beginning? Is this the end of something? I cant decide, my goals however are to moderate my drug use to holiday user. The kind of person who takes drugs once every few months just for fun, the kind of person who is happy and doesnt need shit to make day 2 follow day 1. I want to be like common people.

Thats enough for now, what shall I do next. I will let you know.

spelling mistakes and grammar as well as inconsistancies in my story as well as missing details are left as is, these are my thoughts as they come to me, not touched up.