A joke for the weekend

A joke for the weekend

I was going through my My Documents folder and i found some jokes I wanted to post here. They may be old, but they're always funny!

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Good 1 phantom, lol.

wow thats funny since im not realy doing anything this weekend

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife. He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said ... **Take one pill for a great night** The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night; so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying. "What's wrong?" they said.

"Mom's dead, Sister's pregnant, My backside hurts, and Dad's in the basement yelling: Here Kitty Kitty ..."

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants.

Tools

Anyone with a shed will relate to these....

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. VICE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shed on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 14mm or 12mm socket you've been searching for.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper bar.

10. 100x50 HARDWOOD WALL STUD : Used to attempt to lever a vehicle off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially hardwood.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog faeces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 12mm x 500mm SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end.

17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 kilometres away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 10mm too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object you are trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the hand not holding the knife

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: "Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks?" Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

Do You Have Any Dates?

A Toad was passing the book store in Rome when he
decided he wanted to go in. He walks in the door
(ring ring ring, jump jump jump) he hops
up to the counter. 'Can I help you mister
Toad?'
'Yes, do you have any dates?'
'No, toad, this is a book store.'
'Thank you.'
The toad leaves (jump jump jump)
A while later the toad passes by again and
once again goes inside.(ring ring ring, jump jump jump)
He hops up to the counter.
'Excuse me, do you have any dates?'
'NO, TOAD! this is a book store!'
'Very well then, thank you.'
'If you come back in here again toad, I will
nail your webby little feet to the floor.'
'Oh, well, thank you'
The toad hops out the door.
A while latter the toad goes back into the
store.(ring ring ring, jump jump jump)
'Excuse me sir.'
'WHAT!!!!!!????????'
'Do you have any nails?'
'NO! toad, this is a book store!!!'
'No Nails! Oh good, well then, do you have any dates?'
[/size]

Ahem. Thankfully, it's not the weekend,is it?

When do I start my job?

Rated PG

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss
thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to
set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the
questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into
an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number
9."

Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but
represent 99".

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each
tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"

Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n
dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so
he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this
time represent the number 100."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He
makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go
sir - 100."

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this
time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy
if you think that represents a 100."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree
bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so
now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty
tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"

An oldie but a goodie!

Hey!
No Personal comments!
I might be an "oldie"...but I haven't started yet!

Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.

Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: "DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS."

Confused, they all ask "Um ... what?"

St. Peter says "If you step on one duck, it quacks. If a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and ... well ... you'll see."

With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.

A day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. Seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. It's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. Hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a ver ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.

Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.

She gets the same punishment as the first lady.

The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. Then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.

Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I do to deserve this?"

And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

John: Mary, God made you beautiful but why did he make you so stupid?
Mary: Well honey, God made me beautiful so you would love me.
He made me stupid so I would love you!

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me. " She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!"

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!"

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ... "What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher.

"Legs!" Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.

"Pockets!" said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!"

Men is similar to coffee. The better the quality, the more sleepless you feel.
Men is similar to a parking lot. The good spots are always taken by someone else.
Men is similar to a TV soap. Very interesting at first, less attractive later on.
Men is similar to a computer. They work very fast but their memories often require attention.
And men is similar to chocolate. It is sweet. But it also store up sugar in your body. Soon, you belly will get bigger.

...True, no?

Some fun collective photos from the Chineses


Along with chaos and war, the Persian messengers rushed to Sparta...

You are crazy!

Crazy?

This is Sparta!

This is also Sparta!

This is still Sparta!

Anyway, all of this is Sparta!

You are insane!!!

Isane?! This is Sparta!!!

Even the mighty King must seek the God's guidance...

O Magnificent Sun, please support us.

You idiot! How dare you summon me at night?! Scram!!

So the King set off with his strongest league.
P.S: Kiss me arse, Sun!!!

They met their alliance along the journey...

Is that all what you have?

Hmphhhh...

You there! What's your job?

Spider-man! Superhero!

And you?

Harry Potter! World's icon, sir!

How about you?

Super Saiyan, Kakalot! Anyway!!

Tch! A bunch of clowns!

Brothers! Tell them who we are!

Andy Lau: "I want to be a good man."

This is SPARTAAA!!!

They finally reached the Tower...the final battle was about to begin...

Show them what you are made of!!

Teach them what are Spartians!

Hey! I have nothing to do with this!



Give up, Spartas!

Eh?

T___________________________T

But I am your real father-r-rr...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOO!!!

I must revenge!

This is SPARTA!!!

At the very end, the Spartians faced the Evil Lord...

How can you?!?

SpongeBob Squarepants!!

I lose....

My age has arrived.

You are too careless and foolish!

Arggghhh, my heart......!!!!

This is Sparta!
(*Death Note: A popular modern Japanese anime and manga. In the story, whoever possesses the death note (Book of the Death) has the power to kill anyone. But, he must know his victims' appearances and full names. Whosever names are written in that book, its owner will die by a heart attack 5 minutes later...)

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

A man boards a plane to Las Vegas only to find a beautiful women seated next to him.

He says "going to Vegas to gamble?'

"No" she says "I'm a Hooker."

Taken buy her beauty he ask why she was in that business.

She says "It's interesting work and I have found out who the best lovers are and I sometime give them a free ride."

Oh? He says.

"Yes, American Indians, Young Jewish Men and Southern Rednecks are the best" she says.

"What a coincident" he says, "My name is Tonto Goldberg and my friends call me Bubba!"

Three blondes were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test

The doctor says to the first blonde,, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply.

"Ummm humm," says the doc. The doctor says to the second blonde "It's your turn now.

What is three times three?"

"Friday," replies the second . "Ummm humm..." Then the doc says to the third,

"Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says she. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how

did you get that?" "Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

This is an old one....

2 cannibals are eating a clown.
One of the cannibals stops eating, looks at the other cannibal and says, 'does this taste funny to you'?

5 Levels of Drinking



Level One
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at Level One you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".

Level Two
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at Level Two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".

Level Three
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at Level Three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".

Level Four
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an.... after hours bar. And here, at Level Four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ... cool.".

Level Five
Five in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of Level Five -- the sun.
You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?"

Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

Software Confusion

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?


ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blu e 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'STA RT'.............

Originally posted by Phantom2:

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'STA RT'.............

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central
Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a
Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he
Would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.


Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was
Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays.


The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such
A problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
Priest.


The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux
Convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended
Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,"You
Were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."


Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night
Arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.


The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed
Into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped
In amazement and watched.




There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he
Carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:


"You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

Well this isn't a joke in the strictest of terms but it’s so damn funny I had to post it here. If you are a fan of The Lord of the Rings, and British humor, you simply must read: The Very Secret Diaries of LOTR.

Also I would not drink anything while reading this.

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes, "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball lodged in a cows ass. I went over and lifted the tail of the cow and that`s when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?" I said, "Hey this looks like yours honey!"

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot

turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

Those Questions No One Can Answer

What disease did cured ham have?

What's the difference between unique and very unique?

We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?

When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?

Can you cry under water?

Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?

When you get to heaven, are you stuck for eternity wearing the same clothes you were buried in?

Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?

Why are actors IN movies but ON television?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?

Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?

Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?

Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?

What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan? (Ans: Baby's Palm)

We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say? (Ans: It's Chinese to me.)

If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?

Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They're both dogs.

Do "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "The Alphabet Song" have the same tune?

On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?

Can you drive in the car pool lane if you're driving a hearse with t corpse in it?

Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?

A gentleman is one who, when he invites a girl up to show her his stamp collection, shows her his stamp collection.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a BJ
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a BJ that would make a hooker envious.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.'

Q: Do you know it is costing me twenty thousand Peso to have my house painted?
A: Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to have it photographed?

It was the corps. He had a gun in his hand and a knife in his back.
Who do you think poisoned him?
Who?
Nobody. He’d been strangled.

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

It was a Gay Nineties Party. It was terrible.
Why was that?
All the men were gay and all the women were ninety.

At last, god appeared to humans and said:

"I have come to assess the situation of my creation.
I want men to form two queues - one queue for
men who dominated their women, and the other
for men who were dominated by their women.
Further, I want all the women to go away so that no
man and woman can talk while the queues are formed"

When God came back after a while, the women are gone
and there are two queues. The queue for the men who
were dominated by their women is 100 miles long.
In the other queue, there is only one man.

God got angry and said, "You men should be ashamed
of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you
are not using what you can. Look at the only
one of my sons who stood up in the other queue
and made me proud. Learn from him!"

The men did not give reply.

"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the
only one in this queue?"

The man replied, "I do not know sir! My wife told me
to stand here."

Loading this thread is a joke.
Do Spartans make for a jumpy loading (on a slow connection)?

A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.! In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.