A joke for the weekend

A joke for the weekend

I was going through my My Documents folder and i found some jokes I wanted to post here. They may be old, but they're always funny!

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

A jew died and got to heaven. Because he was a very pious man the lord himself greets him.
L: "You look sad - what's wrong? Not enough time to order your things?"
J: "No, that's all right, but my son..."
L: "What's with your son?"
J: "He became a christian!"
L: "Awww, that's bad. Happened to me too..."
J: "And what did you do about it?"
L: "New testament."

Let's build a pyramid

Someone tell a joke!

A man walks into a bar and orders a double shot.
He downs the shot, peeks into the breast-pocket of his jacket and promptly orders another.
This goes on for several shots with the man peeking into his pocket after every shot.
Finally, the bartender asks the man why he looks into his packet after every shot.
The man replies, "I keep a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I go home."


Bud

fammcdon

Hey RobinHood, I did my penance for the week. I helped an old lady across the street, I went down and worked at the soup kitchen, I gave blood at the red cross... I figure I am about back to even in life now.

Too bad some of these next jokes are going to make me a worse person, also. D'OH. I guess I'll be busy next week too. After I get drunk this weekend of course.


Gross Jokes: Q&A
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up

Q: What do the gynecologist and the pizza delivery guy have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it

Q: How can you tell if you are at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl

Q: Why does a bride wear white?
A: Because the dishwasher should match the stove and the refrigerator.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs and roams Michael Jackson's dream every
night?
A: Hanson

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw

Q: What do you call a dog with 4" legs and 6" steel balls?
A: Sparky

Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after three periods.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out

Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in kid's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have
Left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end, you
lose your house

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party and a bitch sleeps with
everybody at the party except you

Q: What's the diff between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

  Eueuw - - - too gross . . . had to stop reading.

Should have been larger warning sign!

me too

What a bunch of sissies.

i mean and

Not sissie, I'm very brave. But I'm also an

Originally posted by miragee
Not sissie, I'm very brave. But I'm also an

Oh, ok.. sorry about my comment then..

What did the horse say when he fell?
"I've fallen and I can't giddy up!"

1-1 was a horse,
2-2 was 1 2.
1-1 1 1 race,
2-2 1 1 2.

Oh, sheesh . . . another intellectual joke . . .

Hee hee.



Actually, I like that one!

Guy walks into a restaurant. He sits down and this ugly waitress comes over. He then orders a hamburger with catsup and a hot dog.So five minutes later the waitress comes back with a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.So the man asks, “Where's the burger?”

Then the waitress lifts up her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit and says, “I was keeping it warm.”

Disgusted he says, “Please cancel my hotdog...”

Eeuuuuw!

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother
do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices
that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking
out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and
inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something
wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs
turn white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
said "You must have really pissed Grandma off then."

Inner Strength


If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things,


THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG........




familydog.gif

Dogs rule!

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her he, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "its a scarf!"


Announcement on the office PA system: "This is a tornado drill. Please move quickly away from any and all windows." From the back of the room: "Quick, get to a DOS prompt!"

Originally posted by miragee
Inner Strength

~snip


THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG........

~snip

Ah, a right hand drive dog I see... excellent taste

Originally posted by fammcdon
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her he, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "its a scarf!"

A funny flash animation for the weekend:
http://www.humor911.com/innslagID.asp?innslagID=1091

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning
test. The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc. The doctor says to the lady, "It's your turn now. What is three
times three?" "Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..." Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's
three times three?" "Nine," says she. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how
did you get that?" "Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

Here's another really gross one about me and Air_Walk:

Air_Walk and me were on safari in the Sahara, this summer, when our jeep broke down. After 3 days we were the only people left over from our group, both very very thirsty and hungry. That's when we saw a house on top of a sand dune, "Eh, it'll probably be another Fata Morgana," said Air_Walk. "Well we need to go that way anyway, I think, so let's check it out," was my reply. So we went there and it was real!! Of course we knocked and this really ugly woman answered the door. She had warts and hair on her upperlip and everything, it was disgusting. We were still hungry so I asked if we could get something to eat. "Sure," she said, "I can cook like the best. But you'll have to have sex with me." Air_Walk was really grossed out by this and he passed, but I was so hungry I would've done anything, so I went in her house. The meal was great, food everywhere on the table and all delicious. Of course there was drink too . So I ate and drank until my belly was full. Then it was time to have sex with the old woman. She went in another room and asked me to do so too. Before I went in there I grabbed this baguette that was lying around on the table. In the room I quickly turned off the light and used my baguette to pleasure the ugly bitch. When we were done I threw the baguette out of the window so she wouldn't notice what had happened. She was very pleased and I could go outside, to Air_Walk. "So are you still hungry??" I asked. "No not really, I found this baguette near the window, with lots of butter on it too."

Sure it was not the other way around????

No, it went down the way I told it.

But that makes no sence, I could see you eating a baguette with "butter" on it, but not me....

ha ha ha

@ Air_walk's signature! That's way too funny!

I blame Macallan for refering me to this website. http://www.lifeisajoke.com/pictures115_html.htm

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.

"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.

Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their
heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but
noooooo, you had to go and eat a secretary!"

Originally posted by Billy Pilgrim
I blame Macallan for refering me to this website. http://www.lifeisajoke.com/pictures115_html.htm

Hrm, I should have looked at more of their pictures before posting - a lot is brainless war propaganda, some is nearly as bad as german propaganda from the late 30's and not at all funny
But at least the makers of this site seem to be pretty neutral about it.

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother.
"Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?"
"I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house
once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?"
"Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!"
"I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude.
"Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband.
"It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?"
"Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!"

What do you get when you divide pumpkin's circuference by its diameter?






































Pumpkin PI



Actually, you don't, the pumpkins would cancel out, but what the hell, it's funny