A joke for the weekend

A joke for the weekend

I was going through my My Documents folder and i found some jokes I wanted to post here. They may be old, but they're always funny!

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Excellent! Here, have this one:

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want". The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and she's gone. The second says "I want to be Madonna" and she's gone. The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini". St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!"

another one

Roger and Elaine
What we have here is a failure to communicate.

--------
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:

"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those bastards

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the rats.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ...I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... It's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

Whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

reading this:
---------
quote:In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

...........................

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
-------------

reminded me of part of my current sig on the anything fourms -

#4753 +(2267)- [X]
<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

This reminded me a joke from Reader's Digest

Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

Do we have to lock this thread when the weekend is over, or will someone start a "jokes for mondays" thread?

I will start a "Jokes for the whole week" thread

wouldn't a "jokes" thread do?

Hey, what ever happened to the "let's offend everyone" thread? I take a vacation and everyone become P.C. or something?

Nah, to easy. There has to be a thread for every day of the week and special threads for most holidays

Okay, here's one . . .

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief... "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh my God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?" :'(

Making Money
Thesis:

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true.
Postulate 1:

Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2:

Time is Money.
Proof:

As every engineer knows,

Work
--------- = Power
Time

since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have

Work
--------- = Knowledge
Money

solving for Money, we get

Work
--------- = Money
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion:

The less you know, the more money you make.

the weekend is over! can't we post any more jokes then? oh wait, i started this thread, so i can set the rules. err... let's wait another week before posting new ones. btw, ameet, your post reminds me of the mathematical proof that girls are evil, i think it's been posted here before. *checks* yes, it was posted here.

Originally posted by scipio
the weekend is over! can't we post any more jokes then? oh wait, i started this thread, so i can set the rules. err... let's wait another week before posting new ones. btw, ameet, your post reminds me of the mathematical proof that girls are evil, i think it's been posted here before. *checks* yes, it was posted here.

I dunno about Nobel Prize but I will definitely give tons of to the gr8 soul who formulated that

Just in case someone missed this

edit your post, please

You are so lazy, scipio..

Originally posted by scipio
edit your post, please

Why?

i... i... don't remember

Lack of ?

where are all the smilies!?!?!? i don't see them!
definitely a lack of

Me neither

"Me neither insane"?

Yep, I'm the sanest person currently online

Copied from post by AMEET:

" Linux, for people with an IQ above 98"

It seems to me people with an above 98 IQ would be able to operate any system. Or am I missing something here.

I guess it means that anyone who has an IQ over 98 would choose to use Linux, and everyone who uses Windows is a bally fool.

Here's one I got sent via email this morning:


HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION BULLETIN
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSlS


ELEMENT :
Woman
SYMBOL :
Wo
DISCOVERER :
Adam
ATOMIC MASS :
Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 - 200kg
OCCURRENCES :
Copious quantities in urban areas


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES :
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied to correct places.
CHEMlCAL PROPERTIES :
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known
reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids but activity increases greatly by saturation in
alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES :
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS :
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in its natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS :
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained
at different locations as long as specimens do not come into contact
with each other.

Chemical Analysis of Man

Element:Man

Symbol:Ah (short for a**h***, a common French root used to identify the element)

Discover:Eve

Atomic Mass:Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches yet weigh 200+ Kg

Occurrences:
Found following dual element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. (Experimental evidence: any beach on any coast)

Physical properties:
Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol) Tends to fall into very low energy state dirrectly after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with poluted form of the Wo common ore.

Chemical properties:
All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. Usually willing to react with what ever is available. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non- existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red and send it to react with Sa, the sex analysist) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.

Storage:
Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favourable reaction style.

Uses:
Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
Tests:
Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution:
Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.

Hey, it's not weekend yet!

Weekend starts at friday afternoon

No, they start at 00:00

Originally posted by Flat Tire
No, they start at 00:00

Not here

Since I'm not working I don't have a real "Finally, it's weekend" feeling! So it's weekend Saturday 00:00 till Sunday 23:59

Well, whenever the weekend starts, I'm glad Ameet posted a "Chemical Analysis of Man" version, knew there had to be one! Very good.

(the email I got came from a woman by the way!)

I just came back from Asda:zzz: And the till receipt says "cat lighter"

How very cruel!

I just showed that post to my cat - he doesn't look terribly amused.

Ketlan

A Prayer Before Dying

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

omg, lmao!!!

Originally posted by scipio
A Prayer Before Dying

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

'Love it!

---Engineer's recipe for chocolate-chip cookies:
 
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated
protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
 
Directions:
 
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an
overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr,
add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In
a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller
operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and
seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add
ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the
homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient
nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be
taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature
rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
 
Using a screw extruder attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the
mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a
460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank
& Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55),
or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place
the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product
to come to thermal equilibrium.

Sounds yummy.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says:
“Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies:
“Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
.........................

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."
...............

Ketlan

ouch!

> A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his
> new electric train in the living room.
> She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want
> off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you
> bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going
> down the tracks."
>
> The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
> language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for
> TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you
> to use nice language."
>
> Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with
his
> train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All the
> passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of
> your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope
> your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For
> those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all your hand luggage under
> your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will
> have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
>
> As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
> PISSED OFF about the 2 HOURS delay, please see the fat bitch in the
> kitchen"

For you medical types, here is one that I like to tell...

Four physcians were discusing their surgurys when one of them asks the others "What type of patient is the easiest to operate on?" First physcian says, "Well, I like Librarians. Everything is alphabetized."
Second Physcian says "Well, I am like you."[pointing to the first physcian]. "Only I like Mathmaticians. You just follow the numbers."
Third physcian says, " Weeelll, I think that engineers are the easiest patient. If there is a part or two extra ...or even missing, they seem to understand."
Fourth physcian say with emphasis, "Well, I like lawyers.". Of course this cause all sorts of comments like, they sue, how could you...? ect.
The fourth physcian continued. "Lawyers are the easiest patient to operate upon. Think about it. They are heartless, gutless, spineless and the head ends and bottom ends are interchangeable!".

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to
iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be
announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.
Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the
skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th'
by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh
is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be
dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid
to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt
vud finali hav kum tru.

Along the same line, although a bit dated because this was going around in 1996, is this story:

WORLD NEWS:

CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavor."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined.

"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Clinton said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."

Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries."

According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "All my children are dead from the war" [And "Oh my God, there's an axe in my head." ?]

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, lifegiving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.


(Alternate suggested title for this was “Operation Vowel Movement”)

old but geeky:

a mathematician, a biologist and an engineer stand on a bus stop, for some reason they know there are 10 people in the bus. As the bus arrives they see 11 people getting out.
The engineer say: 'Well, measuring inaccuracy' <edit: hmm, he may also have said something about spare parts...>
The biologist: 'They may have multilpied on the trip'
The matematician: 'When one person enters the bus now it will be empty'

This one also has been floating around for a while. Prepare for a real "groaner" if you haven't heard it before.


A woman brought a very limp parrot into the Veterinarian's
office. As she lay her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said;
"I'm so sorry, but Polly has passed away".

The distressed owner wailed; "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't
done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma
or something?"

The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room
returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador
dog.

As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on
his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at
the Vet with his sad, brown eyes and shook his head. The Vet
patted the dog and took it out of the office, but returned a
few moments later with a cat!

The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The
cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry. But like I
said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably, dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's
owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"What's this!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is
dead?"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would
only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."

Originally posted by Macallan
old but geeky:

geekier (imo) and very unfunny:
What's purple and commutes? An abelian grape.

Originally posted by boxhead
geekier (imo) and very unfunny:
What's purple and commutes? An abelian grape.

Still geekier and even funny if you know a little higher mathematics:
Q: What's yellow, normed, and complete? A: A Bananach space.