A joke for the weekend

A joke for the weekend

I was going through my My Documents folder and i found some jokes I wanted to post here. They may be old, but they're always funny!

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.


The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a Daffodil."

Q: Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
A: To keep its nuts dry

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Very crafty Leirom

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my brother been in here?”
The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

Originally posted by H82typ:

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.


The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a Daffodil."

I know of some nurses that would love to do this to some of our patients but it's unethical. I would never have the heart to do it no matter how irritating/cruel the patient was.

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.
"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."
"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

what is redder than Mickey Mouse's balls? Snow White's Cherry.

How many letters in the Alphabet?
19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve drinking at the local tavern.
He knew he had a long walk home, so though he was a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery.
Paddy staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a hole dug for a burial the following day.
He passed out when he hit bottom.
Upon awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and realized where he was - and promptly shouted "Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection Day - and I'm the first one up!"

"would the parents of the little girl who fell into the tiger enclosure please come to reception to pick up her shoes"

I enjoyed this thread reading many jokes.

If you "sext", do you get a "phoner"?

@ agostino: you read all 38 pages?!

@ Peter: What's wrong?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

If you can’t laugh at yourself, then please allow me.

I'm a very persuasive person ...

I can convince myself of anything.

I don’t like to think before I speak ...

I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

The police sent me a picture of me speeding …

So I sent them a picture of a check …

They sent me a picture of handcuffs …

It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, ‘You know, you're really a lousy lover.’

The husband replies, ‘How can you tell after only 30 seconds?’

Originally posted by H82typ:

Peter: What's wrong?

Poor little girl gets eaten.

Originally posted by fammcdon:

They sent me a picture of handcuffs …

Ah! I see. Yes, that's a very dark joke...

@ Fammcdon: I see we go to the same well for one liners!

I don't remember where I got them.

Sign at a hotel.
Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Originally posted by qevindee:

"would the parents of the little girl who fell into the tiger enclosure please come to reception to pick up her shoes"

Sign on restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry.
Come in and get fed up.

@aefields: Glad to see you're still around!

@Leirom:

Lorena Bobbit's sister was arrested, yesterday, for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
The sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
She has been charged with a 'misdeweiner'.

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local socialite. There was no shortage of extremely young ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am'

'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! That's bloody ridiculous! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice...

'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

Sign in a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Cat: Meow …

Me: Meow ...

Cat: Meow, Meow ...

Me: Holy Crap! I speak cat!

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly - I'm a rabbit in Florida."

I recently started shagging tramps ...

I think I'm turning into a hobosexual.

I asked two ladies at the bar last night to sleep with me for $200.

One stormed out in rage, and the other remained cool, calm, and collected.

I don't have a dirty mind ...

I just have a sexy imagination.

Originally posted by fammcdon:

....
"Not exactly - I'm a rabbit in Florida."

A motorbike carrying 3 passengers was pulled over by a police car. One of the police officer stepped out of the car and approached the motorbike.

Guy on bike: "Sorry officer! There's already 3 other people on my bike, so I don't have any more space for you on the back seat."

(This joke will not work in the Philippines: http://my.opera.com/leirom/albums/showpic.dml?album=8788&picture=6936398)

Originally posted by leirom:

(This joke will not work in the Philippines: http://my.opera.com/leirom/albums/showpic.dml?album=8788&picture=6936398)

There's room for two more on there if they try hard enough.