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A joke for the weekendI was going through my My Documents folder and i found some jokes I wanted to post here. They may be old, but they're always funny!
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Are you an owl?
Are you a 900 year old time lord?
Please don't cry.
Originally posted by Tamil:
Originally posted by H82typ:Posts can be moved only to a new thread and not to an existing thread.
Can I get a Mod to move all the bad jokes to the bad joke thread?
Is there a bad jokes thread?
Originally posted by Wikipedian:
Well... i'm glad you asked that! http://my.opera.com/community/forums/topic.dml?id=92093
Is there a "bad jokes thread?
That's just one.
Opera Mobile 10(499), Mini 7.0, 4.4
The cop asked my father if he could measure his alcohol level.
My father, very quietly answered: "I'm sorry, I cannot help you, I don't drink".
To me, the situation was terribly funny.
- Charles F. Kettering
A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets his beer and begins to drink it when he notices that the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.
Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender, the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.
The bartender is mad, and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day the man is back, and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill.
The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 bill.
The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub.
The bartender says, "Here is your damn change."
The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out ten dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"
Opera Mobile 10(499), Mini 7.0, 4.4
Nevermind, I get it... a bar ---- not a bar
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