A joke for the weekend

A joke for the weekend

I was going through my My Documents folder and i found some jokes I wanted to post here. They may be old, but they're always funny!

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Knock knock,
who's there,
who?
Who who?
Are you an owl?

Knock knock,
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor Who?
Are you a 900 year old time lord?

Knock knock,
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who!
Please don't cry.

Can I get a Mod to move all the bad jokes to the bad joke thread?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

What do you mean?

H82typ had a bad weekend?

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment.
If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

I know, Tamil. I was just having fun with Lierom.

Originally posted by Tamil:

Originally posted by H82typ:

Can I get a Mod to move all the bad jokes to the bad joke thread?

Posts can be moved only to a new thread and not to an existing thread.

Is there a bad jokes thread?

When do you know that you are too fat?
When you are sunbathing at the beach and Greenpeace are trying to drag you back into the sea.

Originally posted by Wikipedian:

Is there a "bad jokes thread?

Well... i'm glad you asked that! http://my.opera.com/community/forums/topic.dml?id=92093

That's just one.

Two snowmen are standing in a field.
One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

You leave me no choice, sir, but to go to my book of puns and limericks!

If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled...

Old academics never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old astronauts never die, they just go to another world.

Warship Jesus Christ

My spider scent is tingling

Originally posted by wikipedian:

Warship Jesus Christ

Is that a navy cruiser or navy crusader?

Well the warship was fireworked

More pictures I uploaded to cheezburger.com

A good reason why T800 Terminator should've travelled back in time...

Yesterday my father took me home and the police stopped us.
The cop asked my father if he could measure his alcohol level.
My father, very quietly answered: "I'm sorry, I cannot help you, I don't drink".
To me, the situation was terribly funny.

Holy Mackeral!

This isn't the "post a funny image thread" Next you'll be posting flash or embedded content. That was funny though!

The Pub

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets his beer and begins to drink it when he notices that the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.
Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender, the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.
The bartender is mad, and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day the man is back, and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill.
The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 bill.
The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub.
The bartender says, "Here is your damn change."
The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out ten dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"

I didn't get joke

Instead of giving him folding money, he gave him coins. When the barman throws him back the change, instead of picking it up, he orders another beer.

@h82typ oh well I didn't get the funny part of the joke

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to order.
Barkeep: What will you have?
guy: Do you have beer?
Barkeep: yes, we do!
guy: is it cold?
Barkeep: Yes
guy: well put a jacket on and bring me a beer.

Originally posted by wikipedian:

Holy Mackeral!

Where can I find this Holy Mackeral? Am I allowed to eat it?

Sorry H8t2type but I like posting funny images

That should read "former..."

Scroll down to see the unblurred image!

Two men walked into a bar.

You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

Why would one of the men duck when entering a bar?

Nevermind, I get it... a bar ---- not a bar