The Galactic Generic Grid Thread

The Galactic Generic Grid Thread

The Galactic Generic Grid (otherwise known as the ggg) has developed over the last few years in response to a galaxy-wide demand for better communication between inhabited planets. It was a natural extension for the various ppps (ppp - Pan Planet Port) and has proved to be popular beyond all expectations. We all look forward to the Universal Ubiquitous Unifier

In general the expansion into interstellar space has seen large improvements in commerce and entertainment and generally better understanding of the existence and scope of misunderstandings between species.

However, on the being-to-being level, not all has been smooth. For example the experimental Personal-sensor-array Book has had limited popularity because some beings look decidedly scary. Those beings that talk through their bottoms have been banned and there have been distressing cases of young sentients being driven into premature hibernation by the GlokYUM beings from Capacorn whose main sensor array consists mainly of teeth. On the other hand those same GlokYUM, who think of all other creatures as potential meals, have developed an appetite for the menu of items available on the ggg. and have become its chief sponsors.

This specialised thread has the aim of using the ggg to bring together fellow aliens from across the galaxy to exchange gossip of mutual interest. It gives participants here on Planet Earth the opportunity to discard temporarily their restrictive Earth-conditioned persona and use their true identities. As evidenced by their unworldly views, there are many aliens here and it will be interesting to hear their thoughts on the wider picture. For my part I revert in this thread to the common naming protocol across the galaxy and may be addressed as g-string in this thread although it seems that the primitive ppp called www will insist on my posts being attributed to string.

Typical subjects could be:

An Alien's view of the Solar System
Provision of parking near black holes
Persuading food to fly themselves to inter-stellar fast food joints
The impact of moon rotation on local moral values
Are handicaps necessary for the Galactic Olympics?

What a bother. Our food replicator is acting up producing nothing but porridge for three day straight. When the mechanic tried to fix it, it changed to producing hamburgers only. As much as I like hamburgers, one can only eat so much. After the third day, I'm beginning to loath it.

A word of warning to the wise: Stay clear of Earth for a while. The alien abduction problem is getting out of hand there, it's not safe for off-worlders.

@g-mjmsprt40 - So some brave Ghouls are still trying to visit Human Earth! They should know better. One of the reasons that Earth is in quarantine is because of the recessive sexual appetite of its inhabitants. Speaking of appetite, no-one is really clear which part of the anatomy is snipped off during the mating ritual of humans and few wish to find out the painful way (there is some very odd behaviour about); this adds a further layer of caution which is advised in any visit to Earth. Your scan of the stone tablet clearly shows the terror induced by humans in friendly visitors.

More familiar, for me at least, is the sexual behaviour of the Xatl. FuzzBall gave birth a week or so back and I have been kept busy tending her young ones. There were four infants (integrated infants that is) but now there are sixteen separated creatures to look after. Separation is a necessary part of growing up for Xatls. The infant Protector becomes educated by the parent Protector during this period up to its final fully sentient state while the other infant quartiles practice being a nuisance and not much else as far as I can tell, unless being taught how to be a nuisance by their parent equivalents counts as something else.

One blessing is that the sexual enthusiasm which dominates mature Xatl behaviour periodically is dormant during this period so that the separated parts are actually quite endearing and cuddly without the usual danger. Oh and one other thing I don’t think I’ve mentioned before - they sing. Confusingly, though, each separated bundle sings its own song (so they can find each other again) so that there are four different songs going on all the time, although the song changes every day after they join up at night for their rest. It’s called bonding I believe. Recently some of the songs have been quite dirty – I think they have been playing with the Tentickleyar g-girl.

So I’m busy.

I note the valiant efforts that wikipedian is engaged in, I do hope he manages to get his food replicator to work. There is a virus about which may be a problem. Apparently it has different phases, one of which is to make exceptionally spicy dishes. I believe that is how the Earth dish “Curry” was invented when one of the Fortfarters dropped off some rubbish at Earth several years ago following such an infection, I think the virus is called Vindaloo or some such.

Originally posted by mjmsprt40:

A word of warning to the wise: Stay clear of Earth for a while. The alien abduction problem is getting out of hand there, it's not safe for off-worlders.

That's not the kind of abduction I was expecting .

Captain's log: We came upon an advanced civilization on a planet orbiting a blackhole. It was very hard to land on the planet and we ended up teleporting there instead of landing. We traded with the natives and fixed our problematic food replicator. Horray!

@g-mjmsprt40 - So some brave Ghouls are still trying to visit Human Earth! They should know better. One of the reasons that Earth is in quarantine is because of the recessive sexual appetite of its inhabitants. Speaking of appetite, no-one is really clear which part of the anatomy is snipped off during the mating ritual of humans and few wish to find out the painful way (there is some very odd behaviour about); this adds a further layer of caution which is advised in any visit to Earth. Your scan of the stone tablet clearly shows the terror induced by humans in friendly visitors.

More familiar, for me at least, is the sexual behaviour of the Xatl. FuzzBall gave birth a week or so back and I have been kept busy tending her young ones. There were four infants (integrated infants that is) but now there are sixteen separated creatures to look after. Separation is a necessary part of growing up for Xatls. The infant Protector becomes educated by the parent Protector during this period up to its final fully sentient state while the other infant quartiles practice being a nuisance and not much else as far as I can tell, unless being taught how to be a nuisance by their parent equivalents counts as something else.

One blessing is that the sexual enthusiasm which dominates mature Xatl behaviour periodically is dormant during this period so that the separated parts are actually quite endearing and cuddly without the usual danger. Oh and one other thing I don’t think I’ve mentioned before - they sing. Confusingly, though, each separated bundle sings its own song (so they can find each other again) so that there are four different songs going on all the time, although the song changes every day after they join up at night for their rest. It’s called bonding I believe. Recently some of the songs have been quite dirty – I think they have been playing with the Tentickleyar g-girl.

So I’m busy.

I note the valiant efforts that wikipedian is engaged in, I am glad he managed to get his food replicator to work. There is a virus about which may have been the problem. Apparently it has different phases, one of which is to make exceptionally spicy dishes. I believe that is how the Earth dish “Curry” was invented when one of the Fortfarters dropped off some rubbish at Earth several years ago following such an infection, I think the virus is called Vindaloo or some such.

Does a virus cause food replicators to produce only hamburgers? Also any help you can lend us to return home?

Captain's log: We came upon a strange gas cloud that caused all the crew members to switch gender! How discomforting, except to a few members . I hope this is only temporary.

The standard food replicator has a context sensor to enable it to produce food compatible with the species that requests it. It is a highly sensitive sensor and if too finely tuned or infected by a virus that affects the sensor can default to what it considers to be the generic preference of a species. This is known as the "you-get-what-you-deserve" default.

I suspect you have been to too many fast food outlets (that reminds me of .... but another time).

I suggest you do a bit of fine tuning or invest in a visit to a gourmet restaurant.

I have fixed the food replicator and hopefully it stays fixed! Federation ships are very touchy. Don't get me started on the Emergency Medical Hologram who is demanding equal rights as the other crews.

These damn boobs get in the way of everything! When will the effect of the gender changing gas wear off before it causes too many problems (like pregnant crew members). Any help appreciated.

Within the Solar System, it is mandatory that any science writer who writes about Mars is required to refer to it as the "Red Planet", once, and only once. The reason for this quaint habit is lost in time, somewhere along with the habit of standing for the Hallelujah Chorus and blowing your nose on the tissue AFTER you have cleaned your glasses and not the other way round.
Fortunately most authors have the skill to get this little task out of the way in their second sentence and no harm is done.

That is sound advice g-tt, one has to be aware of these local customs, but what is an Hallelujah? Do they live on one of the planets in the Solar system?

I've heard of the BallyHooHah of course; they also inhabit a coloured planet for the time being; currently it's purple with orange stripes. The BallyHooHahs have a culture which is artycentric, anything that stays still they paint and anything that moves they try to catch to paint. At the moment they're having an Arty Festival for which they are artyforming the planet, projecting coloured patterns on it from purpose-built geostationary arty-satellites. The BallyHooHahs are highly acclaimed by other sentient races, some of which are actually admirers of their artystic talent, the remainder think it's weird but acclaim them in order to see what they will do next.

g-wikipedian, I have no sympathy for you whatsoever with your sex-changing "disease". As has been noted before I myself change sex frequently and find it a most interesting lifestyle, if somewhat confusing during the changeover.

At the moment I am Neutral - I need the rest.

So my advice to you, g-wikipedian is to enjoy your condition while you can.

ggg-string you change sex frequently? I thought time lords stay one sex.

But luckily the effect wore off, but I feel quite woozy.

Unknowingly we were trapped in a quantum singularity. The point was a simple tear in time and but unluckily the ship slipped through. We found other ships trapped there as well. I think I found ggg-bro whose last message said

Originally posted by ggg-bro:

Huhhhh?

(confused somewhere in Black Hole System III)

http://my.opera.com/community/forums/topic.dml?id=462991&t=1335182835&page=4#comment12069662

We also found a lost Earth exploration ship (TY Industries Series 5e) which gone lost a year ago. It was the first ship to test transwrap technology. However, it got lost. There were no crews aboard and they were presumed dead.

This is our ship:

I'm a Thyme Lord, not a Time Lord.

What's with this ancient Earth fiction stuff, g-wikipedian, you should know there's no such thing as a Federation, at least not involving Earth. There is a Confederation run by an Equine race. You Earth people have such strange ideas.

Anyway;
Captain g-Schapetti is going loopy, that is he’s turning the Randy Mollusc around back to RoundandRound. Apparently the Tentickleyar g-Girl persuaded him that the 60mDash to be held during the InsteadFod would be the Race of the decade and not to be missed. Besides she had an inside tip and knew who was going to win so it would be worth his while. So old Tentickles is making a big loop with the Ship and heading back.

It would take more than a quick Quarvartch or six to tempt me back to Roundandound. Their idea of excitement is too slow motion for me. So I’m dropping off at MadGokkle to visit some relatives. MadGokkle is not its real name, which is Âæœȑȑ, but a nickname earned by it’s lack of a reliable connection to the ggg. For those of the Earth persuasion, when we look for something on the ggg, we Gokkle it. You have something similar on Earth I believe. Normally this is how we travel when we don’t want to go posh in a FETFTL ship or simply want to hurry – we Gokkle a place and we simply transport and arrive there. It was developed by a Fortfarter pornographic club.

So I may or may not be able to log back in regularly over the next little while. A lot will depend on the amount of Party. Âæœȑȑ is well placed for parties, the native population are a bit dour in appearance but have a wicked sense of humour; it has delightful, and in some cases friendly, fauna and this delightful purple wine Þæijž. With great cunning they have fostered the idea that the way to drink Þæijž heavily diluted with water and with dead fruit floating in it. The well-travelled know better than that dilution nonsense. However if pushed by some show-off, I drink mine with a live fish draped over the side of the bucket (you would call it a glass). (A purple fish of course, otherwise it does not go with the wine). By itself, Þæijž is a full fruity wine with a hint of strawberries, honey, and mustard and is slightly radioactive.

*not to be taken as part of the thread*

Originally posted by ggg-string:

What's with this ancient Earth fiction stuff, g-wikipedian, you should know there's no such thing as a Federation, at least not involving Earth. There is a Confederation run by an Equine race. You Earth people have such strange ideas.

I was writing my posts according to that series, so I don't have to make it up . I am mixing all the fiction stories together.
*end of conversation*

And ggg-string, what is the difference between a thyme lord and a time lord?

This is not your spaceship?

Originally posted by ggg-string:

What's with this ancient Earth fiction stuff, g-wikipedian, you should know there's no such thing as a Federation, at least not involving Earth. There is a Confederation run by an Equine race. You Earth people have such strange ideas.

And I didn't know of an advance species of horses.

Originally posted by wikipedian:

*not to be taken as part of the thread*

Originally posted by ggg-string:

What's with this ancient Earth fiction stuff, g-wikipedian, you should know there's no such thing as a Federation, at least not involving Earth. There is a Confederation run by an Equine race. You Earth people have such strange ideas.

I was writing my posts according to that series, so I don't have to make it up . I am mixing all the fiction stories together.
*end of conversation*

And ggg-string, what is the difference between a thyme lord and a time lord?

This is not your spaceship?

Originally posted by ggg-string:

What's with this ancient Earth fiction stuff, g-wikipedian, you should know there's no such thing as a Federation, at least not involving Earth. There is a Confederation run by an Equine race. You Earth people have such strange ideas.

And I didn't know of an advance species of horses.

Mr. Ed had to come from somewhere, talking horses aren't exactly common on Earth. Perfect spy disguise, no Earth man-- and especially not one so dense as Wilbur-- would ever suspect.

Originally posted by wikipedian:

what is the difference between a thyme lord and a time lord?

ggg-string has left already, but I know at least one difference:

Thyme Lords are more spicy.

Originally posted by string:

Thyme Lords are more spicy.

Are Thyme Lords edible?

Finally, a location: Somewhere west of the Rahmulan Empire. I have to get these nav-puters checked.

Originally posted by string:

Originally posted by wikipedian:

what is the difference between a thyme lord and a time lord?

ggg-string has left already, but I know at least one difference:

Thyme Lords are more spicy.

Tsk, tsk, sir. Thyme isn't spicy. But.....

Originally posted by jbrothernew37:

Originally posted by string:

Originally posted by wikipedian:

what is the difference between a thyme lord and a time lord?

ggg-string has left already, but I know at least one difference:

Thyme Lords are more spicy.

Tsk, tsk, sir. Thyme isn't spicy. But.....

So they are edible?

I was late in re-joining the Randy Moluisc than expected due to my visit home to the Planet ₱ﬠṕệṭẽrij where there was an illness in the family requiring attention. More about the planet later if anyone is interested.

It seems in my absence I have become a drug Baron; I must find out why.

Returning to the Randy Mollusc is like the end of most planet breaks; for a while it's restful; a very little while in this case. It turns out that Captain g-Schapetti and Tentickleyar g-Girl had a bit of a tiff when he frightened her (something to do with a recipe for the RandyMolusc Assistant Chief Chef’s equivalent of the Earth recipe Paella). The Captain went on a Gookle binge and Tentickleyar g-Girl, who is a bit of a nymphomaniacal, went on a ticklefest; maybe that's why Bel Frah Jeth jumped ship, a ticklefest can be scary when Tentickleyar g-Girl is involved. Anyway she and the Captain are now apparently reunited (literally and noisily) in his cabin but have not been seen for a few ship rotations.

The result of all of that is that the RandyMolusc Assistant Chief Chef is now the late RandyMolusc Assistant Chief Chef having been executed for preparing obscene food. The meaning of obscene in this Ship is beyond my understanding. – I’ve seen things you would not believe.

The more important result is that left us with one Chef short (by about a head) and we are now interviewing likely looking replacements if such a term as “likely looking” is appropriate in this place.

I thought this method of communication was dead for quite a while since the last posted message was May 4, 2012.

I can assure you I am not dead, I have been busy trying to sort out the consequences of my status of Drug Baron.

It was the potatoes - more later.

I have solved the matter of my newly acquired status of Drug Baron.

When I was on Earth for a fleeting moment I enjoyed eating Earth Food; amongst my favourites were corn flakes, pickled walnuts, curried crumpets and roast potatoes. Also I have to say that Tanglefoot and red wine were delightful.

I brought a stock of these and other delights back to the Randy Mollusc but had not anticipated the consequence of bringing potatoes.

Apparently some life forms are highly addicted to it. As much as (in Earth terms) 1 milligram of mashed potato can cause highly embarrassing, but pleasurable, excitement when applied to certain organs of certain species and my small supply was quickly adsorbed. This is when the crisis commenced and when I returned to the Ship I was inundated by requests for mashed potatoes.

Fortunately I had sequestered away a couple of Potatoes in my on-board safe and, with the aid of the Ships Horticulture Admiral, planted them in the quick-grow facility in my own part of the farming section. The planting has been a success and I now have a ready supply to sell to those that want to ensure pleasurable excitement and I have a source of Roast Potatoes and an enhanced income.

An unfortunate side effect was to destroy a new Religion; one of the potatoes “rescued” by my fellow travellers was revered by the Bonkers, a silicon species, who had initially put the potato on display. Eventually it sprouted roots which grew approximately in the direction of their most Holy artefact, the Much Sparkling Bonker Crystal. This was taken as a sign of intense virility and the “Potato Amoratis” (as they called it) became the god-object of the Saturday Night Sect. When they realised the potato’s behaviour was purely normal they swore a mutual oath of chastity and the Sect was dissolved, together with the potato.

Originally posted by mjmsprt40:

Finally, a location: Somewhere west of the Rahmulan Empire. I have to get these nav-puters checked.

g-mjmsprt40 - are you lost still? Is it true what they say about Rahmulan goldfish?

I had to cut short my trip to Âæœȑȑ due to an illness in the family. My mother-in-law lives there but she was ill and I could not stand her wailing, so I went home to Pupeteirij.

I mentioned that I would say more about my home planet.

Pupeteirij is a Planet a littler bigger than Earth with two moons, one orbiting the other which is on a highly eccentric orbit that causes the length of the day to vary according to the time of year.

Many years ago the eccentric rotation of the moon nearly resulted in Pupeteirij’s demise because of the stresses caused by massive tides every now and then but fortunately and just in time the technology advanced to the point that the moon’s orbit could be corrected . This is done every 13 Pupeteirij years; it causes a “jerk tick”.

Anyway, that was one reason that I had to get a new watch - the old one had many settings to cater for the variation of day length around the Galaxy but could not cope with days that varied in length each day. The other reason was that the old watch was made to fit my betterbody suit which had a human wrist but in Pupeteirij I gratefully resumed my normal physical self, that of a Shape Shifter, type 3. It’s difficult to wear a wrist watch without anything resembling a wrist. So I got a stick-on time disc.

Pupeteirij is a so-called “Inverted Society” where the ultimate dream is to do nothing but lie on the beach in the sun. This means that the more one advances in one’s career, the less hassle one has and the less one has to do.

There is a class system:
- noclassatall does Guv work shuffling paper; politicians are noclassatall
- Low class ensure industry and money flow
- Mid class have less strenuous work aspiring to even less with less responsibility
- First class do little but watch television and fatten up which keeps population down
- Top class don’t do anything they don’t want to do; eventually this is fatal

I have been successful in my life so have qualified to lead a life of indolence but I like travelling and this keeps me busy.

I am considered to be insane.

Originally posted by ggg-string:

I have been successful in my life so have qualified to lead a life of indolence but I like travelling and this keeps me busy.
I am considered to be insane.

Travel, eh? Like a tetherball, no doubt.

Insane? More information than we needed after reading your posts.

I always thought the Mant'Isses mating ritual was silly, but it seems that trend-setters have introduced a small change that has been disastrous.
Their planet is deserted.
The reason is obvious: the females switched to biting off the males' heads BEFORE copulating.

Originally posted by g-tt92:

I always thought the Mant'Isses mating ritual was silly, but it seems that trend-setters have introduced a small change that has been disastrous.
Their planet is deserted.
The reason is obvious: the females switched to biting off the males' heads BEFORE copulating.

Yes, that was a sad case, g-tt, although I did hear a rumour that their Gay community did survive for a while on another planet; their motto was "We told you this was the way to do it".

As I mentioned when I got to ₱ﬠṕệṭẽrij it was a relief to assume my natural form as a Shape Shifter. As with other Type 3s I can maintain a shape for some time but in moments of tiredness, stress or even constipation it becomes unstable and the odd stray thought can produce a stray appendage to assuage the condition. This is why I had to resort to a betterbody suit on Earth for long term stability to avoid frightening, not to mention puzzling, the natives with the odd unusual excrescence. The suit keeps me in shape, so to speak, so I use it on the Randy Mollusc to maintain my ShipCred; besides I was never very good at simulating clothes and have no wish to frighten anybody.

My reunion with the family on ₱ﬠṕệṭẽrij went well; I was careful with my appearance and most of my family recognised me having been forewarned to expect me. Family get-togethers can be confusing because Shape Shifters when relaxed, keep changing shape for fun and can become unrecognisable. There have been unfortunate cases of incest and I once ate my grandmother's lover who, to impress her, had changed into a fair representation of a Sluizel, the ₱ﬠṕệṭẽrij equivalent of a banana.

One can have a lot of fun as a Shape Shifter.

I remember when ….…. But I must go - I have to change for dinner.

Originally posted by ggg-string:

Yes, that was a sad case, g-tt, although I did hear a rumour that their Gay community did survive for a while on another planet; their motto was "We told you this was the way to do it".

Funny... here, at the western end of the Orion Belt, we had always thought that those aliens had for motto "I will survive"...
It seems they didn't for long...

Originally posted by ggg-string:

I remember when ….…. But I must go - I have to change for dinner.

Into what, a gnome or fairy? Changelings, ya' gotta lov'em!

None of your business Jaybro!

Well said ggg-bro, these Earth creatures can get a bit tiresome sometimes, I have the same problem with string.

Strangely enough though, jbrothernew37 was almost right (a rare occurrence) I did shift-shape into a g-noam because I was having dinner with one and wanted to be companionable. I think you've been to their planet so you are probably familiar with heir food, mostly variants of sawdust as far as I can remember. Fortunately we had a potatofest to celebrate my return to favour following the potato harvest in my farming section (I've bought the whole section now). I had geek and potato soup, followed by roast potatoes with creeply cheese fondle, all washed down with Snaps and then some. "Then some" Tanglefoot actually, I have commissioned a brewery. I took the Earth name, Stodge, for the main course recipe,

It was a welcome change from my native ₱ﬠṕệṭẽrij fare in spite of my residual nostalgia. On my home planet the shape shifting genie (others call it a gene) is not confined to us master race types, it applies to all living things, even the vegetables. We mostly eat fruit and vegetables, freshly picked and lightly pickled. Thus our food is often still slightly alive when it appears in our eating bucket. As a result it keeps changing shape so often a green salad will turn into a fruit salad in mid mouth-full and the shape of a leaf to that of a left ear. It can be distracting to a someone not familiar with the planet.

Originally posted by ggg-string:

Well said ggg-bro, these Earth creatures can get a bit tiresome sometimes, I have the same problem with string.

Strangely enough though, jbrothernew37 was almost right (a rare occurrence) I did shift-shape into a g-noam because I was having dinner with one and wanted to be companionable. Thus our food is often still slightly alive when it appears in our eating bucket. As a result it keeps changing shape so often a green salad will turn into a fruit salad in mid mouth-full and the shape of a leaf to that of a left ear. It can be distracting to a someone not familiar with the planet.

Well, "a bit" is being generous, I'd say. With me string is no problem, but yarn usually gives me fits, that is unless it's Mentauruan yarn which in neatly wound and can be eaten in a pinch.

Glaurion! The idea of eating dead food nauseates, eh?

Jbrothernew37 right!? You've a great sense of humors!

Ggg-sadie and I had lunch out an hour ago at the McGaurian's' fast food bistro. Fried snaffles and blickensaswaa. There's a treat.

Ggg-bro out.

Originally posted by ggg-string:

Well said ggg-bro, these Earth creatures can get a bit tiresome sometimes, I have the same problem with string.

Strangely enough though, jbrothernew37 was almost right (a rare occurrence)

Damned alien ferriners. Post on your own planetesimal.

Originally posted by ggg-string:

I can assure you I am not dead, I have been busy trying to sort out the consequences of my status of Drug Baron.

It was the potatoes - more later.

Potatoes, indeed! I found your photo posted online.

No ggg-bro that’s not me. But it’s a good idea though I could shape shift into that form and use it in my potato marketing campaign. What is that bump on it’s head? Is it a relative of yours?

On second thoughts though, there is a race on board not far from my own section and a shape shifter has to be very cautious with shape changes. I will have to check them out and make sure I am neither insulting anybody nor attracting them too much. I might lose a market for potatoes.

I remember my first visit to Earth when I chose a body shape from an inhabitant of Glasgow. It (he I think) had a similar bump on his head but larger. It turned out that the body shape was irresistible to females and I had to abandon it after an particularly exhausting weekend. As I mentioned before I chose the string body shape (I liked the hedge at the front) and I have had no trouble at all. String does not think that is funny by the way.

I'll be back soon...I have to change my skin, but only after my nap.

Originally posted by jbrothernew37:

......I have to change my skin......

Most advisable, or else apply some varnish.


I mentioned that I was going to a meal; I'm glad it's over.

The dinner was quite an experience, I shared the table with a couple from Tara’tch 3 and their Sparat Priest/Medic/Keeper (I was not sure which). The Tara’ch are a large race shaped somewhat like the back end of an Earth Cow with three trunk-like appendages which are used for practically everything. They are notoriously romantic and this couple were in the after-throes of marriage. As far as I could make out they were coupling for the whole meal, with each one having her/his middle trunk attached to the other's middle trunk throughout the meal. Their trunks were wriggling in a most complex way.

The Tara’ch are multifunctional and can hold more than one conversation simultaneously with however many trunks are not occupied with other duties. So they are able to couple, eat and talk all at the same time. Their diet is largely composed of soup-like animals which they consume through any of their trunks.

I’m used to seeing strange eating habits amongst the space-faring folk but even my innards squiverl at the prospect of eating the soup they had. It’s one thing to eat vegetables while they are still alive, but eating a soup while it clings desperately to the side of the bowl to avoid ingestion and yells for help is entirely disconcerting. It makes too much noise.

All through the meal I was treated to two monologues , one from each Tara’tch since both were able to talk but not to listen, there not being a spare trunk available to pick up sound. Being in the throes of marital excitement neither of them made much sense and I sincerely hope that the ambitious gymnastics they spoke about were not directed at me.

Their marital efforts involved much belly-slapping and movement but to be honest I did not pay much attention, one sees such ridiculous things around the Galaxy. Do you know how Earth people …? Yes of course you do. It’s a bit ridiculous you know.

The priest said (he sang actually) repeatedly; something about repent-repent and advising on the necessary medication without being clear what I should repent about. There were apparently dire, unbelievable, but quite intriguing consequences of not following his advice. I gave him a generous amount of SipCarefully so that he literally spoke ad nausea, stopped talking, and fell asleep.

Eventually I escaped noting, to my annoyance, that nobody noticed in which case I could have left earlier. I think we've all done that.

Next time I have to read the small print on the guest list.

One of the things I get asked about by other passengers of the Randy Mollusc is how shape shifters have sex.

I don't understand the fascination others have about alien sex because in the main it is incomprehensible to another species. Who would enjoy having their head eaten as is the custom with one of Earth’s species for example? Although that's a bad example because the Anachronists do precisely that. Mind you the females lay an awful lot of eggs so one mating by a male is more than enough, certainly for him. My mother-in-law was a bit of a deviationist and used to enjoy shape shifting to another species to try these things. She once tried an Anachronist encounter and had her head bitten off. Fortunately there was nothing much in it and she recovered albeit with a stutter.

Then there are the Whosshbangs who do it during a parachute descent (they use free fall as a contraceptive), and the Bushies, who are a plant people, who do it very slowly. No other species has stayed awake for long enough to witness the event. But there are lots of Bushies so it must happen one presumes. So much mush to see - so little time to peep.


On the whole I avoid such things because one never really knows what will happen, or when it will happen. There have been exceptions which I have regretted right up to the time that I repeated them.

I think I mentioned before that my species has 3 “sexes”; male, female and neuter (the latter for relaxation). We change sex regularly, and involuntary for the most part. I am neuter at the moment since I find posting on the ggg relaxing and requiring little in the way of brain power, as seems to be the custom which I try to follow.

When we Pupeteirij have sex we shape shift during sex after each orgasm, alternating between male and female with occasional breaks for breath as a neuter. Interludes can be as little as 15 seconds in Earth money.

We change many times during our love-making until mutually exhausted or one or the other gets pregnant. If the process gets too frenetic it is not unusual for both to end up pregnant and many couples discover their softer, or harder, side if they don't synchronise properly and get badly out of sync.

It can get very confusing but we believe in practise.

Would anyone else like to give a glimpse of their love life?