The Galactic Generic Grid Thread

The Galactic Generic Grid Thread

The Galactic Generic Grid (otherwise known as the ggg) has developed over the last few years in response to a galaxy-wide demand for better communication between inhabited planets. It was a natural extension for the various ppps (ppp - Pan Planet Port) and has proved to be popular beyond all expectations. We all look forward to the Universal Ubiquitous Unifier

In general the expansion into interstellar space has seen large improvements in commerce and entertainment and generally better understanding of the existence and scope of misunderstandings between species.

However, on the being-to-being level, not all has been smooth. For example the experimental Personal-sensor-array Book has had limited popularity because some beings look decidedly scary. Those beings that talk through their bottoms have been banned and there have been distressing cases of young sentients being driven into premature hibernation by the GlokYUM beings from Capacorn whose main sensor array consists mainly of teeth. On the other hand those same GlokYUM, who think of all other creatures as potential meals, have developed an appetite for the menu of items available on the ggg. and have become its chief sponsors.

This specialised thread has the aim of using the ggg to bring together fellow aliens from across the galaxy to exchange gossip of mutual interest. It gives participants here on Planet Earth the opportunity to discard temporarily their restrictive Earth-conditioned persona and use their true identities. As evidenced by their unworldly views, there are many aliens here and it will be interesting to hear their thoughts on the wider picture. For my part I revert in this thread to the common naming protocol across the galaxy and may be addressed as g-string in this thread although it seems that the primitive ppp called www will insist on my posts being attributed to string.

Typical subjects could be:

An Alien's view of the Solar System
Provision of parking near black holes
Persuading food to fly themselves to inter-stellar fast food joints
The impact of moon rotation on local moral values
Are handicaps necessary for the Galactic Olympics?

Be careful when eating the local fauna - most have nasty hard and pointy bits in them.

Not to mention a fibrous layer and a particularly annoying habit of emitting a high pitched squeal. I recommend the BlastEm® MicroWave RayGun™ which reduces that problem.

Some of us like their meat uncooked though

I'm not perturbed. The guys who go around implanting their larvae are just disgraceful. Can't they stick to their own sector?

They're kinda tasty

Originally posted by string:

it seems that the primitive ppp called www will insist on my posts being attributed to string.

Until otherwise proven, we'll call this a string theory.

Originally posted by string:

Provision of parking near black holes

At all costs, avoid the event horizon, otherwise you'll be stringified!

A worthy thread. How wonderful it would be if we could be open and trusting with our fellow sentients, but it doesn't work on this planet where we share a similar morphology and appetites. How much harder it would be to find common ground with creatures who practice eee (externalised existential estivation) as a religious rite.
And what if we learned that the yeast in beer is in fact sentient? We would never know if it rejoiced in the fact that its destiny was being realised with every sip, or if a world-wide miasma of despair was being generated as we thoughtlessly guzzled oceans of the stuff.
And consider the intergalactic visitors who seem to have constructed vast spaceships, full of technological wonders, yet lack an opposable thumb. I think we should be wary of them. On their home planet, do they have a huge army of opposable thumbs, harvested from planets similar to ours, manufacturing their every artifact? Do these enslaved digits have a secret rebel underground? I think they must have, and this explains why every Earth-threatening spaceship has an interface to its master computer that enables an Earthling with a Toshiba laptop to take it over and destroy it.

Originally posted by OnetimePoster:

I think they must have, and this explains why every Earth-threatening spaceship has an interface to its master computer that enables an Earthling with a Toshiba laptop to take it over and destroy it.

I'm using such a laptop as we type! What do I do next?

Originally posted by OnetimePoster:

And consider the intergalactic visitors who seem to have constructed vast spaceships, full of technological wonders, yet lack an opposable thumb.

Just one word: tentacles

Originally posted by Macallan:

Originally posted by OnetimePoster:

And consider the intergalactic visitors who seem to have constructed vast spaceships, full of technological wonders, yet lack an opposable thumb.

Just one word: tentacles

My point exactly.
Even with eight of them, no octopus could play Bumble Boogie.

Originally posted by Macallan:

Be careful when eating the local fauna - most have nasty hard and pointy bits in them.

Greetings
I come in peace.

Regarding the local fauna, I'll strong suggest you that you try those little Earthians that call themselves atheists. They are such a delicatessen.
Juicy.. Uhmm.
Difficult to explain how they taste... A mix between heretics and neanderthals... something quiet exquisite, I love them.
Yes.. they are just a few, I'll recognize my share with that. So many cargo ships loaded with them to my Quadrant to feed my magnificent parties.
But you can still find a half a dozen just by searching at their primitive www.

Bel Frah Jeth, Emperor of the Fifth Empire, Master of Porthus Galacticus.

Originally posted by OnetimePoster:

Originally posted by Macallan:

Originally posted by OnetimePoster:

And consider the intergalactic visitors who seem to have constructed vast spaceships, full of technological wonders, yet lack an opposable thumb.

Just one word: tentacles

My point exactly.
Even with eight of them, no octopus could play Bumble Boogie.

They're food.

Originally posted by Belfrager:

Originally posted by Macallan:

Be careful when eating the local fauna - most have nasty hard and pointy bits in them.

Greetings
I come in peace.

Regarding the local fauna, I'll strong suggest you that you try those little Earthians that call themselves atheists. They are such a delicatessen.
Juicy.. Uhmm.

Too much squishy grey matter.

Catholics on the other hand - yum

Spicy! Yum!

Originally posted by g-Jaybro:

Originally posted by g-OnetimePoster:

I think they must have, and this explains why every Earth-threatening spaceship has an interface to its master computer that enables an Earthling with a Toshiba laptop to take it over and destroy it.

I'm using such a laptop as we type! What do I do next?

It has an escape button. By order of the Galactic Go-darkly Gungemakers, this button was ordered to be installed in all laptops, butttops or nosetops all over the galaxy. Primitive species like humans were subliminally programmed to include this.

Once you have pressed the escape button, you must farkle immediately or else it will not work.

regards g-string

Originally posted by OnetimePoster:

How wonderful it would be if we could be open and trusting with our fellow sentients, but it doesn't work on this planet where we share a similar morphology and appetites. How much harder it would be to find common ground with creatures who practice eee (externalised existential estivation) as a religious rite.

I think they must have, and this explains why every Earth-threatening spaceship has an interface to its master computer that enables an Earthling with a Toshiba laptop to take it over and destroy it.

I have an Eee box, not as a religious right, but for browsing use. Some of what it harvests is delicious, other is indeed inedible.

The makers of said instruction videos should be fed to the octopi, they are not fussy eaters.

Originally posted by g-string:

Once you have pressed the escape button, you must farkle immediately or else it will not work.

I should add that the Galactic Go-darkly Gungemakers did not actually explain what was meant by farkle (otherwise known as Oh Crap) . This might have been thought of as a mistake but in fact they were merely being true to the Galactic Strategy Laws of which the first law is

1. Plans don't work

There are variants of that law all over the Galaxy.

Regards

g-string

The concentration on food suggests that we may have GlokYUM amongst us. Caution is advised.

In the meantime I received an inquiry, via PM, on currency exchange. As we know this can be a problem in galactic travel where on being's coin may be another's medicine. It is said that the Quarvartch currency which consists of small shellfish which happen to be favoured by tentacle races as delicacies especially since they cause the third tentacle from the left to rotate rapidly, an aid to their mating gymnasatics.

The query was something about this sentient wanting to take a considerable amount of currency out of LesserFrigid (a transliteration of the name which is normally spelt, and spoke, by patterned frosty breath only) provided I could pay a smaller sum for transport as a result of which I would get 20% of the sum involved. LesserFrigid is a planet which is ice-bound for all of its 33 months of its year. Of course I smelt a rat because their currency consists of snowballs of various sizes and would not be considered as hard currency in warmer parts of the galaxy. Again caution is advised .

Regards

g-string

Originally posted by string:

Once you have pressed the escape button, you must farkle immediately or else it will not work.

Ok, I farkled, but now I have stomach cramps. What now!

@ g-Jaybro - Please refer to the first of the Galactic Strategy Laws

g-string

Originally posted by g-OnetimePoster:

A worthy thread. How wonderful it would be if we could be open and trusting with our fellow sentients, but it doesn't work on this planet where we share a similar morphology and appetites. How much harder it would be to find common ground with creatures who practice eee (externalised existential estivation) as a religious rite.

such creatures are not to be underestivated.

g-string

What a weird thread. If I didn't know better would have thought you came from Edinburgh.

Originally posted by g-rjhowie:

What a weird thread. If I didn't know better would have thought you came from Edinburgh.

Thank you - it is meant to be weird. Where is Edinburgh?

g-string

Originally posted by string:

Thank you - it is meant to be weird. Where is Edinburgh?

He means the Embra Sector - on the opposite side of the galaxy from the Irn Bru Cluster.

The Irn Bru Cluster? That's the one without gggravity*, isn't it? The one that's held together by g-strings?

* Consult Wikkkipedia on gggravity.

Where, string? you don't want to know. Here is reality.

Zealously Zoroastrial Zymurgy.

Originally posted by OnetimePoster:

Zealously Zoroastrial Zymurgy.

What comes after Z?

Æ. At least in the Norwegian alphabet, your alphabet may differ. In Excel it is AA.

In the US the answer may also be land.

Acronyms are peculiar to Earth and those planets which have written alphabets. The Fortfarters, a race out in the back of beyond and who use smells as communication, have never developed the art; the consequence of initial attempts resulting in smell combinations of such horror as to cause sensory overload, memory loss and severe hot flushes.

In fact on some planets Acronymy is considered an art form, (Earth included). It is particular suited to the hobby of Engineering, especially new and strange devices, and bureaucracy. The art is to obtain an acronym that is decidedly filthy yet not so coarse as to be immediately obvious. There are several examples around if you care to look but it would not be artistic of me to explain further since they would then become obvious.

The use of repetitive letters in an acronym is filthy in itself and is considered as cheating.

g-string

Originally posted by string:

Acronyms are peculiar to Earth and those planets which have written alphabets. The Fortfarters, a race out in the back of beyond and who use smells as communication, have never developed the art; the consequence of initial attempts resulting in smell combinations of such horror as to cause sensory overload, memory loss and severe hot flushes.

I've exterminated them around here, they smell as hell.
However, as an Enlightened Emperor, I maintain a couple of them at my Galactical Zoo, just for fun and pedagogic motifs. Scientists also perform studies on them. The goal it's create several new races that you can choose the smell. Pine and Lemon are already available.
If interested, I can sent you the price list. But I don't accept that snowball money of yours, since our Seven Suns use to bright a lot.

Originally posted by g-Belfrager:

Originally posted by g-string:

Acronyms are peculiar to Earth and those planets which have written alphabets. The Fortfarters, a race out in the back of beyond and who use smells as communication, have never developed the art; the consequence of initial attempts resulting in smell combinations of such horror as to cause sensory overload, memory loss and severe hot flushes.

I've exterminated them around here, they smell as hell.
However, as an Enlightened Emperor, I maintain a couple of them at my Galactical Zoo, just for fun and pedagogic motifs. Scientists also perform studies on them. The goal it's create several new races that you can choose the smell. Pine and Lemon are already available.
If interested, I can sent you the price list. But I don't accept that snowball money of yours, since our Seven Suns use to bright a lot.

I do hope you have not confused them with the Fortfartles which are somewhat similar. Every few generations they develop off world fetishes. One of those fetishes is "talking" about nothing but trees and citrus fruits.

Then they explode, messily.

My advice to you is ...............


duck!


g-string

Originally posted by string:

I do hope you have not confused them with the Fortfartles which are somewhat similar. Every few generations they develop off world fetishes. One of those fetishes is "talking" about nothing but trees and citrus fruits.

Then they explode, messily.

My advice to you is ...............

duck!

Is that so? What about the "Chanel nº5" and "Dior" varieties my scientist had already developed for my personal use? Only you can't disguise a Fortfarter from a Fortfartle years-light away.
You g-guys are always the same thing, you don't know a g-s**t. If it wasn't for your ExColonial Galaxies showing you Warp Speed and you'll still travel like the Earthians Americans with their funny shuttles.

The Fortfarters have a very Fortfartercentric view of the Universe and have utterly misunderstood the concept of texting.
Their attempts to communicate with abbreviated utterances, using the thumb, have been unsightly, incomprehensible and ludicrous.
As on Earth.

With the invention of the faster even than faster than light (FETFTL) drive in 5,423 years time in the Pimple Galaxy the galaxies have been opened up to package holidays. Simultaneously to the invention of FETFTL it was discovered that going so impossibly fast played havoc with time and the first live experiment resulted in its participants arriving in our galaxy 43 years ago. This is not generally known, many sentients being behind the times.

This is all by way of a preamble to mention to you that I have just posted my 2006 Christmas cards because I forgot to send them at the time. This is by means of a cunning plan which is to send the Cards via a sorting office just far away enough so they arrive back at just before the right time.

Postage has got very complicated recently as many will have noticed … must remember to read the small print on the tax return again.


g-string

Originally posted by string:

With the invention of the faster even than faster than light (FETFTL) drive in 5,423 years time in the Pimple Galaxy the galaxies have been opened up to package holidays. Simultaneously to the invention of FETFTL it was discovered that going so impossibly fast played havoc with time and the first live experiment resulted in its participants arriving in our galaxy 43 years ago. This is not generally known, many sentients being behind the times.

You mean this:

Eh eh, this Progressive from beyond the stars Race have sense of humor. Yes they have.
Bel Frah Jeth, Emperor.

Yes, Bel Frah Jeth, g-Mac posted a funny one.

It's a pleasant surprise not to have one of those racist science fiction stories. Not every squelchy squiggly squigy being likes to be told it is squelchy squiggly squigy (excepting the Mudsquashers of wet wet wet of course who think such is a term of endearment.

g-string

Originally posted by string:

It's a pleasant surprise not to have one of those racist science fiction stories.

Yeah, the tentacled guy is always the villain. On the other hand, that's what happens if you play with your food too much

Originally posted by g-OnetimePoster:

The Fortfarters have a very Fortfartercentric view of the Universe and have utterly misunderstood the concept of texting.
Their attempts to communicate with abbreviated utterances, using the thumb, have been unsightly, incomprehensible and ludicrous.
As on Earth.

Perhaps they are all thumbs, which would explain your puzzle when you said "...consider the intergalactic visitors who seem to have constructed vast spaceships, full of technological wonders, yet lack an opposable thumb. I think we should be wary of them. On their home planet, do they have a huge army of opposable thumbs, harvested from planets similar to ours, manufacturing their every artifact?".Has anyone seen how big the Fortfarters' ships are?

g-string

I wonder if any of them are fundamentalist Baptists?

I wonder if any of them are fundamentalist Baptists?

Originally posted by g-Jaybro:

I wonder if any of them are fundamentalist Baptists?

No, the Fortfarters are not Baptists and I doubt if they would find it possible (the Baptism I mean) because they do not wash. Washing would damage their individual persona which is developed through the years according to the smells of the places they visit and their food.

In fact intergalactic species do not follow Earth religions, with one exception, the Zim!bow%. A Zim!bow1, called 4ref...............etc, came across the Earth by accident when he turned left instead of right at the Magellan Galaxy, and stopped for water and something tasty on Earth. He landed on the then-populated Island known now as Easter Island where he was feted by the local inhabitants. He particularly liked coconuts and sea urchins. The Zim!bow1, who went by the name of 4f (which was his nickname, his real name, 4ref...............etc, running to to 3 MB) was shaped in the Polynesian form of beauty, roughly like an elongated pyramid or mountain peak, round at the bottom and pointed at the top, with a big nose and large red mole on the top of his head. The locals called him Big-mountain-with-a-mole-on-top and made him a God. In fact you can see several effigies of 4f even today on Easter Island although the original islanders have since left.
4f rather liked the idea of being a God and decided he would accept the appellation and was, in fact a god, in fact The God (he was very vain that Zim!bow1). When he left Easter Island he returned to the Zim!bow% declaring himself to be their God as well. Being a gullible lot they accepted his word for it and today he is revered by the whole race as their Most Smelly (an adopted Fortfarter term for a being of great presence). His offspring (the mole falls off and becomes a young Zim!bow1) became the priesthood where they had a vested interest in maintaining the religion. No-one else adopted their religion, the Zim!bow% being thought mad, which indeed they are.

But, as I said, as far as I know the Zim!bow% is the only race that follows an Earth religion and the idea that there should be baptists out there is preposterous, g-Jaybro.

Perhaps someone has heard of different intergalactic religions? ................... If you have let's hear about them. What about the Prangifiers, for example?

g-string

Don't you know the story about the Prangifiers g-string? Come on..
That crazy lunatic Prang-Prang that declared himself God Ra at Egypt and started building pyramids pointing to Orion and marrying all his sisters?
I've always said that strange things happens at that Third Planet.

Is that where the chant Hoorah Hoorah comes from?

g-string

Yes, It started with Wow-Rah and than by the less effort rule become Hoorah.

Originally posted by g-Belfrager:

Yes, It started with Wow-Rah and than by the less effort rule become Hoorah.

I've often wondered about that one, ever since my first girl friend lost her bathing costume.

g-string

Interplanetary Religion – a brief summary

It remarkable how similar religious concepts are on different planets. Broadly speaking, those planets that have been isolated from the intergalactic community tend to have ego-centric religions, that is based on the self-importance of the race. Other sentients are considered fictional impossibilities and outside any godly favours. Exposure to other races came as a bit of a ego-puncturing shock, or even spelt disaster. For example the Furry Frigool, who lived on a frozen planet, thought they could walk on water and none survived contact with the Aquatic Fingers who, on landing, proceeded to melt everything, turning the planet into a water-filled paradise (for them).

However contact with other species did not destroy religion, far from it; some visitors became the gods while others became convinced in the belief in a central deity that could take different forms. Others could not resolve the conflicts and declared disbelief in everything. A Buddhism-like religion flourished, disavowing all gods but each being hoping the would reappear as something prettier which, for most, was something to be hoped for.

Some particularly egotistical cultures sent out missionaries to convert other sentients to their own local deity. This met with a universal lack of success. There was one example where the whole concept of evangelical conversion seemed to be going well. In that instance the to-be-converted locals were the GlokYUM. The happily declared that they the missionaries were going down very well in GlokMUD and demanded more and more be sent out. It was only after some years that it was discovered that the missionaries were considered as tasty delicacies by the GlokYUM and had, indeed, been going down well.

Naturally there are many strange beliefs out there …..............

g-string

Can we get these folks to wear clothes?!

Let's not forget the tragic case of the well-meaning race of Mish'n'reez, who were horrified by the sight of naked savages on Pandora and persuaded them that they must wear clothes. Thousands of Pandorans suffocated because they breathed through their skin.
Realising their error, the Mish'n'reez decreed that it would be sufficient for the Pandorans to cover "the organs of generation".
All the remaining Pandorans died, one way or another, because with their eyes covered they bumped into things and shattered, as do any silicon-based sentients.