cyrilsteven

I'VE decided to take over Ireland in December. I will be setting up my one-woman dictatorship in an eco-friendly PassivHaus in the grounds of Aras an Uachtarain. (The Aras itself will be given over to the hundreds of poor devils who seem to be having to sleep rough these days, and single mums.) Now that the Stern Report has kicked all remaining argument out from under the climate chaos naysayers, I've decided it's not enough to just rinse out the butter cartons for recycling: time for some real changes. Once the partying has calmed down, I'll start issuing edicts. Edict Number One is going to hurt: End the love affair with global capitalism. People, we do not need dresses selling for ?35, covered in sequins, hand-sewn by six-year-olds in India for wages so low that even after the goods have been shipped around the globe and into Henry St, the big boys still make unbelievable profits. Is it not obscene that half the populations of China, Vietnam, India, Indonesia, Sri Lanka et al spend their lives in filthy sheds, bowed over machines, making toxic stuff for us that we don't even need? As I write, the world's biggest container ship (a quarter of a mile long) is steaming its way from China to the UK carrying 1,886,000 Christmas decorations, 87,150 hair straighteners, 334 cartons of cocktail shakers, 742 cartons of handbags; with seven more behemoths on the way. Guys, we do not need this stuff. We must stop buying it. Two weeks after Christmas, most of it will be heading towards the nearest landfill, where it will spend the next 80 years exuding methane and turning the surrounding, once beautiful, countryside into a toxic swamp. Global capitalism is largely responsible for the catastrophic global meltdown we're facing. It's as if we've all become hardwired to spend. Thought: I must clean the car. Action: I must get into the car and drive to Argos, where I must buy a power washer, an electric polisher, 16 litres of detergent, a trolley jack and a 350 watt power inverter set - none of which I need, many of which are so badly made (in a sweatshop 2,000 miles away) that after two or three goes they will bust - and off they will go to the nearest landfill. Think about it. This is not the action of a sane human being whose home planet is about to crash and burn. In fact, under my new regime, anyone going to Argos for anything other than rechargeable batteries will be forced to mow the Aras grass - with their teeth. OK? Next edict up is going to be even more painful: No more shopping trips to New York. Yes, I know your son's girlfriend and her mum went there last August and had the time of their lives. Except they didn't. Mostly they were stressed out, fought, and bought loads of crap, all of which is still hanging in their wardrobes, and Mum has a ?10,000 spike in her credit card bill to prove it. One plane trip to the USA is the equivalent of a year's carbon allowance - not to mention that America, with 6 per cent of the world's population, produces 25 per cent of the world's pollution, and is chief redoubt of climate chaos naysayers who have slap-ups with El Presidente, laughing their lardy asses off at us neurotic Europeans and our carry-on about the climate. As for second homes in Lanzarote and mini breaks to eastern Europe - sorry guys, all gone. Plane travel is the fastest growing producer of carbon emissions. Which brings me to my next edict: No more wars. While you carefully rinse bottles before e driving them to the recycling centre, all around the globe, men in suits are sending out men in battle fatigues to blow up each other, and thousands of innocent people. The world's military forces use 25 per cent of the world's jet fuel. The US Defence Department uses more oil than any other government department in the world. So, sorry chaps, no more wars. Either you stop, and put all this energy into something useful/life-enhancing/fun, or women around the globe withdraw all sexual activity. Until you come to your senses. And while we're at it, did you know that when push came to shove in the Second World War, the economy was turned around in 90 days? Which means that if the people who are supposed to be running this (very small) shop got their act together, we could all be relaxing and saying, "Phew! That was close!" by the end of February 2007. Next up: every citizen on this planet has two weapons of mass destruction in their possession: their vote, and their wallet. Use them! If your local politician is so goddam lazy and so in the pockets of big business that the only way he can think of to "deal" with waste is to build cancer-causing incinerators, don't vote for him. If these appalling excuses for human beings don't have a policy on how to save the world from meltdown, and aren't sticking to it themselves, toss the buggers out on their fat rear ends. Actually, a special edict will toss all current politicians (now on ?1,000 a day - with ?13m expenses) out, except for Socialist TD Joe Higgins, who actually seems to care; and Tony Gregory, because he's been caring for ages.Patek Philippe Watches. The rest? Out! Out! Out! The same goes for the supermarket chiefs and owners of fast food outlets. I am sure no parent actually wants to give their children diabetes/ heart disease/strokes by giving them food which is depleted of nutrients, crammed with chemicals, or picked unripe and flown 10,000 miles. Stop buying it. Now. Yes, it's hard to buy and cook proper food when you're both working, have a long daily commute, the wife's car fitted with an ejector seat so she can toss the baby out as she goes screaming past the creche at 5am, and neither of you get home till after midnight. But maybe it's time to use that vote of yours, hey? And remember whose idea it was to build your house out of such shoddy material that every time you turn the heating on you help burn the planet down? The house that cost a trillion euro, necessitates a 2,000-year mortgage and a few hours' gas-guzzling drive to the city centre for work. Or the shops. Or the post office. Or the doctor. Or anywhere, really. Polluters, politicians, fatcat businessmen - all of them will be seen cutting the Aras grass with their teeth. And so, my final edict: Read, watch, listen. The bookshops are bursting with tomes on where we have gone wrong and how we can go right. The Stern Report is available to download (for free). Al Gore's film An Inconvenient Truth (the fourth most watched documentary of all time) is everywhere. George Monbiot is everywhere. We must inform ourselves. The truth is out there. Go get it, tigers! - Rosita Sweetman Download our iPhone App Now