Rapture.
Thursday, 27. August 2009, 05:55:54
i hope that i could just disappear in a lifetime. vanish the memory of myself. perish and live in another world without pain...
...but, i must face life.
Posts tagged with "My Problematic Existence"
i hope that i could just disappear in a lifetime. vanish the memory of myself. perish and live in another world without pain...
...but, i must face life.
Nobody's Guy.
Saturday, 8. August 2009, 14:37:39
i am glad i have you to turn to
you share your shoulders to lean on
for a few moments tears subside
a new me has come to life
yet does few moments turn into lifetime
if lifetime you’ll be there
then i wouldn’t be scared
does your care and love necessarily means hurt
to be a part of a foolish world
a continuity of pretensions and masks
is that really you who opens your arms
to welcome me a warm hug
or just a temporarily scapegoat of reality
that somebody is nobody
then i fooled myself
that i am someone yet no one really knows
a bystander to a long winding road
waiting for someone to hitch
or in truth, a soul of no body
or a body without a name
known for just a few moments of joy
and after being uplifted
forgotten
falling fast to the ground
drowning to the navel of uncertainty
waiting for a hand to raise me
yet neither a grain of hope wasn’t there
nor the light of the shining sun wouldn’t pass
through the deepest abyss
i was hoping for you
just to see you looking down
looking for me
and me watching a familiar face
to smile back or to cry with
yet only this unknown creatures are here for me
lost souls, lost hopes
i thought i was someone
i dreamed being with you in forever
but now, i am here
back to where i was before
only to dream
in those dreams i am still craving
not just for you
but for the world
little by little i fade through the darkness
and the world has forgotten me
and my legacy
i am nobody
“Let’s put a smile on that face!”
Thursday, 6. August 2009, 10:21:16
(this post is not yet finished... can't get my head straight right now. i will get back to this as soon as i clear things up. This is not about the movie or any other way about the Dark Knight. Later my friends.)“See I’m not a monster, I’m just ahead of the curve.” - The Joker (Dark Knight)
Insomnia.
Friday, 31. July 2009, 06:22:12
i hate it. why can't i sleep. all i do was lie in the bed, close my eyes try to have a good night sleep. and yet flashbacks of the past keeps crossing my mind. scenarios of the unforgettable burden and heartaches hunts me. i toss and turn, keep my pillows on top of my head... nothing. wide awaken. only 45 minutes of rest, and there i go again. 'cmon daneru sleep tight. where does your mind take you.Looking Back and Facing Forward.
Sunday, 26. July 2009, 15:35:20
i came across another social network that i joined years ago - MySpace. i was not that active in this site. most of my friends there are with the same interest that i have - paranormal, ghosts, murder, crimes, death... and mostly the unexplainable existence of a human being. never had real friends that i can stick with or talk to sensibly. i eventually got bored and deserted it. as i browse MySpace once again i found two blog posts that i had written. one is this, written on the 15th of September 2007.
The Conversation
Monday, 20. July 2009, 05:02:26
ME: Are you happy?
MYSELF: No. I want to cry.
I: What for? To those people that caused you pain.
MYSELF: I don’t know. It is just that I can’t stand being ignored. I have too many burdens. Hatred… hurt… pain… loneliness. I don’t know. I just thought… no! I don’t actually think. I only feel.
m + [ s(d) ] / m - i = ?
Monday, 13. July 2009, 22:01:29
my mind is drained. my heart is burdened. i have been answering questions all through out my life. i am tired. most of the time i don't know how or what to answer. if life is just a questionnaire then i might have failed. so how many times would i retake such.
i just wanted simple things but the complex reality is given. in any circumstances what is the probability of my passing rate... i have been adding lots of memories in my head, i couldn't even count how many of them was real or only a product of multiplying my sorrow and depression. often times when i feel neglected and rejected by those whom i love most i divide myself into different personalities... i become inadequate in some situations and so unequal parts of me is shown to a few. in the long run i have been subtracting my identity. in each and everyone that i have known i leave a part of me and somehow never regain myself back. there is always a remainder, part of my whole being lost along the way.
i know that in this particular problem... simple operations are applied and yet i never comprehend, making things complicated. i guess i really never tried to answer the question... instead i tend to find a variable that was never there. looking for some ratio and proportion in life. i always end up with a question mark. fractions of my reality mixed with negativity. this can't be answerable by anyone but me and so i have been looking at factors created during my entire existence. rounding it to the nearest reality i have now... an average of absolute zero to the nth power. if only answers are laid just in front of my eyes or if it is answerable by a multiple choice, then i could have gotten a perfect score... a perfect life that has been always my dream. while i was dwelling into this slope of my life there are other valuable entities around my problematic way of living - friends that could help me out in some ways. as kyle said, "we all have choices to make in life, not always the choices we want, but choices all the same, you have a choice, move on, or stagnate, it is up to you". now, that's one thing i am missing out. choices that have been overshadowed by miscalculations. i am trying to figure out all about this... the square root of my complicated life as what it is.
i hope time will come that i will make a three hundred sixty degrees turn, together with it is a mind and heart ready to face the struggles of life..
Sudden Death
Saturday, 11. July 2009, 02:37:20
i breathe. i feel. i am hurt. tears subdue into my cheeks. i cry. i smile and yet covering the pain creeping in my restless heart. i am breathing and yet i doesn't exist among the living. only fond memories linger in the chambers of my thoughts. i am invisible to the eyes of truthfulness and yet through times of darkness, i shine like i am the only one that matters. or does it really matter, whether i fail or not? as long as those who are living a lie believes they are superior among others. and for those who are like me… struggling for the life we ought to have are left unknown. strangers as it may seem to a world we built among our selves. the only place we have for us are those hidden in the highest plateau of our brain. sometimes we find ourselves in the deepest abyss of emotions. as the pages are turned by the winds of time… we are conquered by false truth and broken reality.i am standing in the peak of my uncertainty. my eyes reaching the horizons and zenith of my unfulfilled dreams. my heart beating… as fast no one could imagine. looking down in the valley of death. flying down to the visions i hold in my untamed personality. free fall. where am i now? haven… in the navel of abyss. slowly losing breath. peacefulness rest in me. silence. death.
before my beliefs and dreams totally turn into ashes… smile of the farthest unknown to my reality embodies me. those who have fell down into the quicksand of pretensions and rise above to reach the light to the heavens embrace.
i shall fight for this air i breathe. sudden death as it is. but i shall be who i am supposed to be. regenerated by those who seek failure… and still i shall rise fulfilled. i may still be in my hiding places but sooner or later you shall see me in the place you never wanted me to stand. i shall smile and look at you. i am proud to be me.
The Hunt
Friday, 10. July 2009, 00:56:54
the journey never cease
the mind creates what he sees
insane living of what he believes
troubled as what it may seem
endangered in the world he hold in his palm
he hides in the highest plateau of his imaginative mind
his eyes circling the horizons he dream to fly
an eternity he hope to find
a freefall he is waiting for
when his heart is uplifted of the burdens he carries along
he sets foot on a strange abyss
the world is complex as his mind can be
can this be reality
he hunts for the light, the life
he is a captive of his own ingenuity
hunted by his memories
sorrow, depression
could this be really me
daneru ©
Am I a failure?
Wednesday, 8. July 2009, 22:49:35
this is me. born in a world of conflict. grew up in a family where everyone has their own secrets to hide. mysterious acts, lustful thoughts, dangerous minds. a family, as what they call. and yet never been whole. all are broken in the desire for lust, money and superiority. this is my family. from the great great ancestors of my blood, this is where i came from. they are perfect in God's image and yet failed in the task given to them. now, am i going to be the same?
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