Christopher DaSilva's page

About me

I have been an Opera member for a long time, but I decided to open a new blog and block the other once since I feel this is a "new beginning" for me.

I always wanted to have someone to play Twister with. It's a quite sexy and romantic game for me. You really have to be barefoot and on your toes for this game. It's all in the way you arch your feet. Don't flatten your sole. Most people tend to think you have to be tight and in control for this game... But it's all about letting go. In fact, Twister itself is all about letting go. It's both it's ethos and it's tactic. If you're not willing to let go..then you're not going to get twisted. Twister is as much about letting go as it is about twisting. Try it!
For now, I play it alone. Yes! It is possible! And helps me find myself as well, That's why twister is a game I can play alone. Alone, you see, but with everybody. With Twister you can never be excluded. The colors on the board represent the facets of my personality. None of which I can escape. None of which I can really and honestly reconcile... That is.... Wholely. I spin the wheel and wherever it lands. That's the colour I am.
So if I spun the wheel and it landed on green... What would that mean? (stretching my left arm over onto my right) Green represents the lover in me. The lover of expression. The lover of woman. The lover of lovers. The lover of the love of the loved.
And yellow? That's the person in me who takes the books back to the library and has a cappuccino on the way.
Sometimes I'm red, mostly wednesdays. The embodiment of all evil. The embodiment of all things red.
But on fridays I tend to be blue. Bluey-purplely... It's kind of uneven. But that mode is smooth... Y'know? It's where everything is bitter sweet? You could throw boiling tar over me on fridays and I wouldn't budge an eyelid. On wednesdays I'd be fucking livid... Because on Wednesdays I'm bloody red... The embodiment of all things red...
Yeah dude, I think all of you people reading this are getting my idea! And Thomas the Fucking Tank Engine! Ever wondered why that fucker's red? Cos he's one mean fucking engine, man. He's shit passionate about these trains man, and some shite mother hairbrain in a suit comes along and just kicks up his fucking times. Trains need schedules... Man, trains need times... And it's a sign of the fucking times, man... There ain't no knowing when the next trains comin'. He's red because he cares. He's red because he dares...
So here is where I try to explain my friend how fucked up society is. Yeah everybody. Everybody here thinks you're a tosser... Everybody here thinks you're silly... That you're stupid. You're stupid you are. Reallly really stupid. Stupid bastard. Stupid tosser. God, you're so stupid you are...(locking the door to the bathroom) and I'm not coming out for ages!!

He says "And I think you'll find Thomas the Tank Engine was actually blue..."
(crying) Not on thursdays he fucking wasn't!!!

It's very difficult … [silence] I don't want to add another few layers to whatever I'm already having to carry, but ultimately, sometimes you have to hit the pit. —the very bottom— to really see yourself. And then when you see yourself reflected there— all the demons, all the potential and the hope— you either seize all that potential and hope, or you don't. Period. And that's what it's all about: personal salvation. Love can offer that, family can offer that, life can offer that, even though it's a fucked-up, nihilistic world. I'd rather sit around with my grandchildren, playing piano and thinking about my life, than be at the best club, or with some girl who thinks it's cool to be with me because I OD'd in a hotel. Unfortunately, death sells, but it makes money for the suits; it doesn't make money for the corpse or for the family. It makes money for the lawyers, for the accountants, and it goes right back to what we were talking about before. I think of myself as a troubadour in the old sense of the word, you know? When I come into a town, I want to cry and laugh with that town.
This fucked up society is a woman telling me a story of polygamy and suicide and I'd never even met her before in my life, you know? [Laughs] I'll put her on the guest list and see if she made it to the wedding, that's what my wedding's gonna be about, it's about seizing the day, not being some nihilistic idiot. I hope you got that mate. Because that's just about all there is.

I'm going through a personal exorcism every night.

Does this mean I am some religious fanatic? No, not really. It's safe to assume that I believe a man named Jesus lived on this planet. It's safe to assume that in kids' eyes, my loved one's eyes, and a cup of tea I feel something that resembles a higher power. I still consider myself a seeker and fan of Charles Darwin and William Blake. But, I'm also obsessed with the concept of a glass confessional box so the priest won't abuse you. How insane is that?

Um. I don't know if I have a problem expressing joy, but the difficulty is making an idea, a piece of mind that really does reflect life rather than the one dimension. I have a problem in trying to make a complete trip. I've found it easier and easier over the last two or three years to...I mean, I was lying in the park , doing a spliff with a couple of friends yesterday (hahaha! not really, just a normal fag), just watching this...the nearest thing to a festival, really, what festivals used to be like, it seemed like to me, this mad expression of life. That was a moment, I'll never forget that ten minutes, fifteen minutes that lasted. And to me it's about now, somehow, I've got to put that moment down onto something, into writing or someone, I've got to put that feeling that I felt that moment somehow onto something. And I've found that that's getting a little bit easier to express the beauty in life.

And love, Oh God love! I mean, yeah, I'm dark sometimes, Dannii's nature is dark sometimes but pure love has got that timeless, joyous beauty to it, naivete that I love as much as I like my dark shit. And it's time to kind of open it up. I'm in a different place and the different place has given me a bit of a different sensibility. It's opened up new emotions and unlocked doors in my head I didn't even know existed and that's only the last...
Today my friend asked me why do I wear a cross... Or people often say "very cute crucifix..." and stuff like that, and I'm often pushed into explaining my religion, but... It's difficult really, I can't pin myself on any fixed religion, really. I'm just one of those sad, early-century people who just drifts around and picks up a bit of this and a bit of that. Cuz we are a scanning culture. We are turning over local drug culture and we suck in as much as we can in that given time that we are given, you know. So really, I don't know. It's a celebration of Jesus Christ. But whether that means I'm with the whole shit that happened after he died, or left us, who knows. I'm not into any of it. I was confirmed a Christian when I was a kid purely because I wanted a piece of jewelry, so I don't know whether this is just another extension of that. [laughs]. I'm intrigued by all that, by religions, I'm intrigued by Jesus Christ. It's all fascinating.
Why is it that I feel no one uderstands me? People often ask that, [But] I'm everyday: "London. Buenos Aires. Escape. Wife. Ball. Infinity." And that all happens in less than a second. I'm one of those people. I can be sold by the candy in life, and then it can be stripped away within a split second and I feel like I've seen too much. And that's the way, I've been like that most of my life, so I could never say I was there yet in any stretch of the imagination. I think when you're there, those moments, that I try to naively explain, which a lot of people think, "What the fuck is he talkin about?" But I think most of these religions in their purest form are paths for the discontented soul to deal with it. Deal with the fact that you're on a fuckin' ball in infinity. And we're fucking it up. And we have done since time began, done our best to fuck this situation up. [chuckles] So, I'm not there, I'm just getting down to basics. I think that's what you do: you come back down to basics. The basic things of life, the basic things for me are the things that turn me on more than anything. I'm not running as much now. I'm actually trying to go back from where I was running from... The more essential things that I was ignoring. I was just ignoring the true beauty and simplicity in my life. What I have, what I had that was essentially free. I think that's what's important. But I've always had that, in a sense, anyway, I've just feel like, I've said it before, an accelerated life for ten years, emotionally. It's almost like, [laughing] God knows what age I am now.
I just want to lie next to a stream, really, with my wife (I always wanted to get married, since age 18), hold her in my arms, listen to some music, go out. I think there's been a lot of illness around me, personally. Illness. I think that affects people. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And that's been mixed with all of the other things and you come out of it...you just want... Simplicity. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I'm talking about, though?
Someone who I love very much, said "Everybody's gonna feel the weight of death sometimes" And then the more I thought about it, the more scared it made me feel that you truly are laying on the candy... We forget, we have to keep on buying to keep the whole momentum of like the major fucking denial of the universe.

Agnosticism? Yeah, "I'm agnostic getting God, but man she takes a female form." Yeah, I mean that's basically you get a bit sick to death about the way we've fucked this up. Misogyny and power, and male power. It's a guy making love in a city that's falling apart through some kind of race riot or some kind of religious fucking riot; it's a guy making love in Jerusalem to his girlfriend, finding his god in bed. It's whatever, you know what I mean. It's like - through all these thoughts to me, they open up loads to different doors to the imagination. Some of the thoughts I don't have a definitive concept of what it is -they're there to kind of spark off ideas, while grocery shopping, watching telly or just spacing out and listening to music, do you know what I mean? I just thought it was funny anyway - the actual thought is so funny.

Here I am, Saturday January 10th and it's 04:00am, reading this. So many time passed since these words. So mine, I became them. I was looking for a perfect world and all I got was loneliness. Well the thing is that it wouldn`t be a perfect world because we definitely wouldn`t understand what perfection, disappointment or excitement will be about. I was just looking for my lover, my girlfriend, my wife. But when I get there, what am I going to do? Because the world is corrupt and a suicidal place. There are people who are prepared to be suicidal on the name of love. Love and life for me means the world, suicidal. The earth is suicidal itself. What I have to find is my redemption. There is no key, no specific key, there is just finding your individual way through life.
After getting really depressed and losing my faith (at least, my mind was making me believe it) I got asked by someone "Are you considering yourself as a religious person?" and that made me think.
I love Jesus Christ, yes, I do. But what has happened in his name is a different matter. People have hijacked Jesus Christ. I don't follow any kind of religious doctrine, but I do admire certain religious figures like Franz of Assisi. I've got total love for those kind of people. I'm looking for what people find in a religious moment. I think I find it through love, love for her. Her eyes, her heart, her hands and her smile are a key to a place where pain can be dealt with, a new place of ecstasy. People get a religious ecstasy. I get a religious ecstasy with her love. She hasn't arrived in my life yet, but she will.

I take my dog out for a walk, I lose my mind sometimes, I get depressed, I get excited. Sometimes I'm happy. There is no difference between me and anyone else.

Oh yeah man. Just to still be here, being alive, talking to you, playing videogames -it`s amazing. Cigarette anyone? Beer?
God, love, the meaning of life, where we're from and where we're going to ... Will I ever find her?
Fuck I feel like writing about God because she is there, she is blonde and has blue eyes, maybe green. Will she ever find me? Will I ever be loved? Is love everywhere or just in one place? There's a doctrine written somewhere that tells us God is everywhere. Yet, something beyond doctrine tells us that God is less likely to be near a puddle of puke in the restroom of a mid-town Buenos Aires discotheque, where I have been, than he is within the wind that bends the wheat stalks at dawn in a wide South Argentinian field. I have been in both places. I've emerged from the pharmaceutical rainbow of the last years in my life, and I gotta go looking for pots of gold elsewhere.

I want to kiss her lips, instead of plowing through pill bottles.

I have aimed my heart and love at the heavens, seeking redemption through questions and quests.
Love. I see myself in a lost hotel room in the United States, those that look like come out from the movies, tossing things at a discussion. The heat of Los Angeles and not the heat from Buenos Aires, not the heat from Argentina. I threw the clothes out of the hotel room, I am in an arguement because she broke my heart and she cheated on me. I tossed my heart form the window of this hotel room, but this time around, the Bible in the top drawer of the nightstand might be spared. I am hardly religious and barely reformed, but my search has moved beyond the chemical-pharmaceutical luxuries and into the wide-open spaces of a life lived, instead of a life avoided.
My love and pain is more about where the seekers go. People like me, who have some sense of spiritualism, or some sense of wanting to seek or discover their own spiritualism. When, in reality, there doesn't seem to be much time left for the search when the rest of the world's imploding in the names of other people's faith. It's like an urban sort of prayer, in a sense, at the end of my quest through the light pollution, or whatever and say, "I found you, and I love you"
You know? Once a person sees it, they'll be enlightened immediately because it's so beautiful. But I wouldn't say there was anything specific. There's no flag wearing, there's no document like a Bible, or anything. It comes from a general sense of insecurity and a feeling that I've got to find love.

I need to find her, because I feel miserable in my loneliness. My heart cries, and it says things, I want to find my wife and yeah, essentially it's just saying that I'm actually finding my peace and finding my God in my wife's eyes, in a moment, in a second. It's feeling something so awe-inspiring and perhaps that's how I define it.

My life is incomplete without her, my world is as well, and the world comes into pieces but I need to feel hope, the hope will find her someday. Essentially, I've got to feel hope. I've gotta feel hope for my own heart. I think the depression factor comes in with the acceptance that we're all pretty much ill. I think that's been the thing historically, in my life, that is.
My depression and pain for love seems like the biggest thing on earth for me. But this is something else. I'm in a precarious place. Sometimes it's chilling. It's difficult. I'm probably like the majority of us. I go out and buy a big Christmas tree...

I've always felt like I've been too stamped, too early, to recover. So, coming to terms with a sense that I'm either gonna grow a huge fucking beard and get the robes on, or I'm gonna walk a semi-kind of tightrope for my life, where my kind of mental condition, my physical condition, have to be put through a certain process. I mean, I have to go through a certain process daily, like a number of people have to, to function. Whether that's a few beers or whatever, do you know what I mean?!? I'm aware that I need a number of things to function. It's just the way life is. So, I don't see myself as someone who's completely spiritually enlightened, but I'm more enlightened in many ways, in many more simple ways, in which things motivate me. I think a lot of the time, maybe in my 20s, I'm running it kind of blind, you know? It takes a long time to understand my own space and how silence and stopping can be a good thing... something rewarding, yeah, something enjoyable. But in a way, when I say "I need to find her" I really need to, but I'm affraid people will think I'm pathetic for this. So, sometimes it's difficult to say "I need". Sometimes my depression is almost prophetic. I don't even understand it until a few months, or years later.

How important is love for me? I bet that if you're reading this you won't need to think about this question, but yeah, I get asked this question several times, So, yeah, it is important, the vast majority of it, I suppose. But, what's "me." It's about defining "me." And I suppose that's what's part of the trip anyway. Surely there are elements in it that are brought from imagination, my imagination. A lot of it flows out from the part of my head that's not necessarily the part of my head that's talking to you right now, that is writing to you. I mean, it's the part of the head that isn't underlined and preparing every word that comes out. And sometimes things flow out and sometimes it's difficult to explain. And like I said before, for me, they sometimes feel more prophetic, like warnings or part of your psyche talking to yourself. Sometimes it's a simple message, a simple thing coming out of the speaker for the listener. It's also a big confused jumble sometimes. It's difficult to define, really.

Prozac man, Prozac has done things to my mind.

I like to think I will find love. But people sometimes think "you are all so spiritual, deep soul and shit, you'll never fin what you looking for" but I'm a regular bloke too , you know? I think, yeah, I've done the cliché thing. I have thrown things out of rooms. I have taken large amounts of substances. I have, you know, done the shit. I'm not saying that I've completely and utterly cleaned up of that at the moment. What I'm saying is there's definitely a time when you look at that shit and you think, "Well, you know, you've done it now." Once you've done that kind of stuff once, you realize how ridiculous it is.

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