Shield Wolf

This guy is NUTZ! ...he's so witty, but it's not just what he says but HOW he says it. Try to think of a really uninteresting guy trying to speak to you in a sleepy voice.
The ones witha a I really like.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

"I gotta post card from my friend George with a satellite picture of the entire earth... on the back he wrote, 'Wish you were here'"

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included....so I had to buy em' again.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

...well you can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.

[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything... specifically.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked, "If I melt
dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?".. I said I don't know, let me ask Tony.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My phone has no five on it." He said, "that's reeeeally weird... How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...
my calendar has no sevens."

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night!

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I bought some powdered water but, I don't know what to add.

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I have several hobbies which I enjoy to the fullest.... I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world,... maybe you've seen it?

I've been selected for jury duty.. It's kind of an insane case,.. 6000 ants dressed up as rice, robbed a Chinese restaurant. I don't think they did it.. I know a few of em' & they won't do anything like that.

Why is the alphabet in that order?.... is it cause of that song? ....guy who wrote that wrote everything.