devans186 Chronological Posts

Whatever you give a woman will multiply…

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, fair warning ... don't give her any crap.




During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was
seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms.

When her baby began crying during the descent for
landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking,
he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related
articles.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the
pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!'

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her
pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the
baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot
fashion exclaimed....

'And all these years I've been chewing gum.'







A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP..





BUMP...





BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him





FASTER...




FASTER...






BUMP...







BUMP...






BUMP...





He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.








However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping




clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...



on his heels, the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.


With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.





Bumping and clapping toward him.


The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!



Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



and,








(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





The coffin stops











You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.


8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
Balance and fall over.


6. People say: 'Great Boris Karloff Mask,'
And you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or .'

And can't remember the rest.



4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.


2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.


No matter, Have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.