Saturday, 27. September 2008, 03:33:38
Wal-Mart Shopping, Bull, Women Words
Just a little truthful explanation about the women language thing that may be helpful for men.
Pay attention!
(1) Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome', that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever:
Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to # 3.
And.............This one may bolster a post I made recently about diferences between men and women.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and its half the price.'
Just one for the road..............
NO BULL
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch with $600, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.
Wednesday, 24. September 2008, 00:50:15
Ladies, Old
Back on the road after 3 days home.
Traveling can make one old before one's time.
Speaking of old,here's one for the ladies.....
You’ve got to love OLD ladies
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turned and asked, "Do you still get horny?" The other replied, "Oh sure I do. "The first old lady asked, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replied, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asked, "Who drives you to the beach?"
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm. "
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
That's it for today, see you tomorrow.
Tuesday, 16. September 2008, 23:29:20
Women, Differences, Men
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion started to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear.
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Tuesday, 16. September 2008, 03:55:04
Musings, Ravo
Please visit the link below for the start of a great, continuing, story.
The link is just the start, make sure you visit his archives or go to his blog for the whole story.
It is getting exiting.
http://my.opera.com/Ravo/blog/2008/09/07/a-smoggy-storyMy friend Ravo is a wonderful, yet unpublished, writer.
This is a plug but not for him, I'm just passing along something that I enjoy reading and hope that you do also.
Best Regards Opera friends..............
Sunday, 14. September 2008, 02:40:07
KKK, Alabama, Preacher
Since I'm on assignment in Alabama and in my 5th week here, I thought I'd post this one.
One thing that's consistant about the Southern United States is that all of the people are open, friendly and very polite.
Makes it much easier for a visiting Western Yankee to be here. Of course, I'm still a Yankee!
The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to Stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared!
Thursday, 11. September 2008, 00:47:08
Did you know?, What isn't widely known
Here is some interesting new statistics that you may find enlightening and informative.
Whatever your politics, however you lean and however you feel about the
current administration, this report is interesting. As tragic as the loss
of any member of the US Armed Forces is, consider the below statistics:
The annual fatalities, by any cause, of military members while actively
serving in the armed forces from 1980 through 2006:
1980 2,392 (Carter)
1981 2,380 (Reagan)
1984 1,999 (Reagan)
1988 1,819 (Reagan)
1989 1,636 (George H W)
1990 1,508 (George H W)
1991 1,787 (George H W)
1992 1,293 (George H W)
1993 1,213 (Clinton)
1994 1,075 (Clinton)
1995 2,465 (Clinton)
1996 2,318 (Clinton)
1997 817 (Clinton)
1998 2,252 (Clinton)
1999 1,984 (Clinton)
2000 1,983 (Clinton)
2001 890 (George W)
2002 1,007 (George W)
2003 1,410 (George W)
2004 1,887 (George W)
2005 919 (George W)
2006 920 (George W)
2007 899 (George W)
Clinton years (1993-2000): 14,107 deaths
George W years (2001-2007): 7,932 deaths
Are you surprised when you look at these figures? They indicate the loss
from the two latest Middle East conflicts are less than the loss of military
personnel during Clinton 's presidency when America wasn't even involved in
a war--unless you include Bosnia and Mogadishu, Somalia. (Remember
”Blackhawk Down”?) Even more surprising is that in 1980, during Carter
presidency, there were 2,392 US military fatalities!
These figures appear to indicate many members of our media and politicians
pick and choose the information on which they report--that they present only
those “facts” that support their agenda. Consider the latest census of
Americans. It shows the following distribution of American citizens by race:
European descent 69.12 percent
Hispanic 12.50 percent
Black 12.30 percent
Asian 3.70 percent
Native American 1.00 percent
Other 2.60 percent
Many members of the media lead us to believe the military death ratio is off
balanced compared to the distribution by race in America. Here are the
fatalities by race over the past three years in Iraqi Freedom:
European descent 74.31 percent
Hispanic 10.74 percent
Black 9.67 percent
Asian 1.81 percent
Native American 1.09 percent
Other 0.33 percent
Surprised again? Hopefully, during the time between now and November,
intelligent Americans can decipher--
the facts from the spin.
the spinners from the leaders.
those who seek even more power from those that seek justice.
the dividers from the uniters.
These statistics are published by the Congressional Research Service and may
be confirmed at: www.fas.org/sgp/crs/natsec/RL32492.pdf
Wednesday, 10. September 2008, 01:28:38
Home is a place for your heart.
Tonight I sit in a hotel room in Southern Alabama.
Getting accustomed to it for in the last 28 days I've been 23 days in hotels.
Two weeks out, 2 days home then 2 weeks out and 3 days home and again we go.
I took an extra day at home just to feel more than a weekend, it was great!
Had to take the wife to work and get her car in for repair so I didn't get to SLC to see friends.
Decided to play golf.........was by myself and truly enjoyed it.......one with nature.
The subject here is home............no matter where you are or what you're doing, home is the most important place. For it's there where you'll find the comfort you desire. A place where your heart and mind can truly relax and find comfort in family, friends and even those 4 legged critters that make up your world.
So, take a minute to think about home and how much it means to you. The last time you were on vacation or just away from home, wasn't it good to get back?
Thursday, 4. September 2008, 23:17:08
Babies
This is delicate but here goes.........
Making a Baby
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to
use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the
proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and
said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...', no need to explain,'
Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've
been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes
the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or
seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love
to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be
disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a
bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to
get the job done right. People were crowding around four and
five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could
hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush
my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment? '
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted!!!!
Wednesday, 3. September 2008, 00:23:24
Women, Relationships, Men
The key is tied to how we understand and treat each other.
The following are simple keys to learn, please pay attention.........
How to treat a woman...........
Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How To Treat a Man............
Show up naked
Bring chicken wings and........
Don't block the TV
Sunday, 31. August 2008, 15:17:46
Women, Differences, Men
Just sitting around waiting to see where Mr. Gustav is headed. Not too worried sitting just above Panama City, surely some wind and rain but no hurricane. (poetic). Anyway, I was pondering the difference between hurricanes and why some have men's names and some have women's names.
Still pondering but it brought up thoughts of the following differences between men and women.........
Differences, Men/Women
NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
• A man has 6 items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the waste basket, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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