Thursday, March 4, 2010 5:13:00 PM
Once in a blue moon I post something that has a more serious and personal nature, this is the case today. I hope those that read it, take it to heart and maybe compare this with their own lives.
It is a bit mushy, so prepare your heart.............
Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Grandpas had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this.
I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor and always on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.
I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
The one I remember best came from him when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day I'd find a woman and start my own family.
Then came the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger."
It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Oh! I forgot to tell you.........it's funny too.
Thursday, February 25, 2010 5:57:55 PM
The following has "some" mature content..........not visual but mental. You can create your own visualization.
CINDERELLA wanted to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agreed. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 A.M. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 A.M. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 A.M. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .
Peter, Peter, something or other.."
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
A man goes to confession in the Catholic Church...
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green everyweek for the last month".
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been Two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood" the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sit s down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No,I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
Seven Kinds Of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens
when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue
in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say " f... you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun
in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot
stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in
front of everyone.
And last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little
each month. But not enough to live on.
Sex and Gas
A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck named Billy Bob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Billy Bob guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, Billy Bob, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Billy Bob guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close -- but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the Billy Bob said to Bubba, "I think that game is rigged and he don't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Bob! It ain't rigged! My wife won TWICE last week."
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their Men.
That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my life. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Batman?”
Thursday, February 11, 2010 3:51:34 PM
This is the common sense part...........
An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly, rather true.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a class mate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, reflect on it.. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
This is the funeral part................
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby Cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 20 metres behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file..
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
''What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her....'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'
Wednesday, February 3, 2010 5:39:09 PM
This post contains words of wisdom and reflection.
I came by these words via and old friend.
An old friend because we've hung out for many, many moons
but also because he is OLD. I'm sure that this old friend
will visit eventually so, when you do, remember that us youngins
appreciate you for passing these remarks along.
No names needed, you know who you are.
You know, time has a way of moving quickly
and catching you unaware of the passing years.
It seems just yesterday that I was young,
just embarking on my new life.
And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago,
and I wonder where all the years went.
I know that I lived them all...
And I have glimpses of how it was back then
and of all my hopes and dreams...
But, here it is..the winter of my life and it
catches me by surprise...
How did I get here so fast?
Where did the years go and where did my youth go?
I remember well...seeing older people through
the years and thinking that those older people
were years away from me and that winter was
so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine
fully what it would be like.... But, here it is....
my friends are retired and getting gray...
they move slower and I see an older person now.
Lots are in better shape than me ... but,
I see the great change...
Not like the ones that I remember who were
young and vibrant ... but, like me, their age is
beginning to show and we are now those older folks
that we used to see and never thought we'd be.
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower
is a real target for the day!
And taking a nap is not a treat anymore...it's mandatory!
Cause if I don't on my own free will......
I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so, now I enter into this new season of my life
unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of
strength and ability to go and do things
that I wish I had done but never did!!
But, at least I know, that though the winter has come,
and I'm not sure how long it will last...
that when it's over...its over....
Yes, I have regrets.
There are things I wish I hadn't done ,,,,,
things I should have done, but indeed, there are
many things I'm happy to have done.
It's all in a lifetime....
So, if you're not in your winter yet...
let me remind you, that it will be here faster
than you think..
Whatever you would like to accomplish in your
life please do it quickly!
Don't put things off too long!!
Life goes by quickly.
Do what you can today, as you can never
be sure whether this is your winter or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the
seasons of your life...live for good today
and say all the things that you want your loved ones
to remember...and hope that they appreciate
and love you for all the things that you
have done for them in all the years past!!
Life is a gift to you.
The way you live your life is your gift to
those who come after.
Make it a fantastic one.'
LIVE IT WELL!!--
DO SOMETHING FUN!!!----
Tuesday, January 26, 2010 2:34:06 PM
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that
I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my wife,
threatening our lives. You also asked for my wife's purse and
earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect
you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my
jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a
reason. My wife had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very
evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed
at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking
bare- footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet
with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come
help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your
cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled
up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, on
your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and
was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside the local shelter, along
with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your
wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ....
after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's
side of the car..
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma
Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a
little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to
get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI,
while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I
guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I
feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your
threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of
these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so
lucky. Have a good day!
P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil
Thursday, January 14, 2010 9:19:48 PM
Last year I took a lot of time away from Opera. I was busy building a 23,000 square foot animal shelter and code compliance facility. Now, I'm in the process of building a public library facility, but, I will not let it get in the way of making a few posts.
That said, here are a couple of items that just might leave a smile..................
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian Woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in
the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in
Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully
pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently,Tiger Woods was right, when he said, 'your pecker gets harder when you're away from home'...
One day an old German Shepherd started chasing rabbits and before long, discovered that he was lost. Wandering about, he noticed a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thought, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther was about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halted his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror come over him and he slinked away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was really close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and maybe even trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he went, but the old German Shepherd saw him heading after the panther with great speed and figured that something must be up.
The squirrel soon caught up with the panther, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving old canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd saw the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thought, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, he just sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear he loudly said.. "Where's that darn squirrel? I sent him off over an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story ...
Don't mess with old dogs!!! Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery, brilliance only comes with age and experience.
Glad you are here, thanks, see you again soon................................
Thursday, December 31, 2009 3:32:41 PM
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and next to them a single red rose!!
Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him all clean and pressed.
He looked around the room and saw that it is in perfect order spotlessly clean and so is the rest of the house.
He took the aspirins and cringes when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast a steaming hot cup of coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asked, "Son.. What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replied, "OH THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you screamed, Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239..99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirin $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time.
Monday, December 28, 2009 7:55:28 PM
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/store/restaurant/ laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin' nowhere so she can go to the spa, get her nails done, get a "hot rock massage", and go shopping...
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...
"Oh No!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some.
Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.
"How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go
and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them paid."
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that crap?"
I still don't know if she was joking...
Ha! Ha! a bit of humor never hurts, see you soon..........................
Thursday, December 17, 2009 6:08:27 PM
There is a gift that comes
From those out on the lines,
It is not wrapped in bows,
But, oh, how bright it shines.
There is a Christmas gift,
A pearl beyond all price,
From those who ask for naught,
But make the sacrifice.
They risk their blood and bone
On endless weary tours,
For that is all that keeps
The evil from our shores.
You worship as you will,
You freely have your say,
And all that is a gift
From sentries far away.
There is a gift that comes
From troops who guard the line,
That lets us live in peace
And joy at Christmastime.
We say "Support the troops,"
But hardly pause to think
What honor really means,
Or how near looms the brink.
There is a Christmas gift
From those who hold the line,
And you and I, my friend,
Get nothing more sublime.
(c)Robert A. Hall 2007
Former SSgt, USMC
In memory of Jeffrey Scott Christensen 1949-2009
A proud and honorable Marine.
Semper Fi Brother!
Thursday, December 10, 2009 8:53:04 PM
On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife
found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and said: "Honey, do you
He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear,
I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded,
"Well, honey, as I remember, I said, “'Darling', I'm going to suck the life
out of those beautiful breasts and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said.
So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.
What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and replied, " Mission accomplished."
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