Chronological Posts - devans186

The following has "some" mature content..........not visual but mental. You can create your own visualization.



CINDERELLA wanted to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agreed. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 A.M. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 A.M. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 A.M. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.

"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .

Peter, Peter, something or other.."
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PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
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MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
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SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
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Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
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One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.







Nookie Green

A man goes to confession in the Catholic Church...

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green everyweek for the last month".

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been Two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood" the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sit s down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No,I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."








Seven Kinds Of Sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens
when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue
in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say " f... you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun
in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot
stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in
front of everyone.

And last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little
each month. But not enough to live on.







Sex and Gas

A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck named Billy Bob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Billy Bob guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, Billy Bob, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Billy Bob guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close -- but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the Billy Bob said to Bubba, "I think that game is rigged and he don't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Bob! It ain't rigged! My wife won TWICE last week."










Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their Men.
That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my life. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Batman?”

This post contains words of wisdom and reflection.
I came by these words via and old friend.
An old friend because we've hung out for many, many moons
but also because he is OLD. I'm sure that this old friend
will visit eventually so, when you do, remember that us youngins
appreciate you for passing these remarks along.
No names needed, you know who you are.


You know, time has a way of moving quickly
and catching you unaware of the passing years.

It seems just yesterday that I was young,
just embarking on my new life.
And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago,
and I wonder where all the years went.
I know that I lived them all...
And I have glimpses of how it was back then
and of all my hopes and dreams...
But, here it is..the winter of my life and it
catches me by surprise...
How did I get here so fast?
Where did the years go and where did my youth go?

I remember well...seeing older people through
the years and thinking that those older people
were years away from me and that winter was
so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine
fully what it would be like.... But, here it is....
my friends are retired and getting gray...
they move slower and I see an older person now.
Lots are in better shape than me ... but,
I see the great change...
Not like the ones that I remember who were
young and vibrant ... but, like me, their age is
beginning to show and we are now those older folks
that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower
is a real target for the day!
And taking a nap is not a treat anymore...it's mandatory!
Cause if I don't on my own free will......
I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life
unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of
strength and ability to go and do things
that I wish I had done but never did!!

But, at least I know, that though the winter has come,
and I'm not sure how long it will last...
that when it's over...its over....
Yes, I have regrets.
There are things I wish I hadn't done ,,,,,
things I should have done, but indeed, there are
many things I'm happy to have done.
It's all in a lifetime....

So, if you're not in your winter yet...
let me remind you, that it will be here faster
than you think..
Whatever you would like to accomplish in your
life please do it quickly!
Don't put things off too long!!

Life goes by quickly.
Do what you can today, as you can never
be sure whether this is your winter or not!

You have no promise that you will see all the
seasons of your life...live for good today
and say all the things that you want your loved ones
to remember...and hope that they appreciate
and love you for all the things that you
have done for them in all the years past!!

Life is a gift to you.
The way you live your life is your gift to
those who come after.
Make it a fantastic one.'

LIVE IT WELL!!--
ENJOY TODAY!!!!--
DO SOMETHING FUN!!!----
BE HAPPY!!!----
BE THANKFUL!!!!!

Last year I took a lot of time away from Opera. I was busy building a 23,000 square foot animal shelter and code compliance facility. Now, I'm in the process of building a public library facility, but, I will not let it get in the way of making a few posts.

That said, here are a couple of items that just might leave a smile..................




A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian Woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in
the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in
Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully
pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently,Tiger Woods was right, when he said, 'your pecker gets harder when you're away from home'...






One day an old German Shepherd started chasing rabbits and before long, discovered that he was lost. Wandering about, he noticed a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thought, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther was about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halted his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror come over him and he slinked away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was really close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and maybe even trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he went, but the old German Shepherd saw him heading after the panther with great speed and figured that something must be up.

The squirrel soon caught up with the panther, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving old canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd saw the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thought, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, he just sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear he loudly said.. "Where's that darn squirrel? I sent him off over an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story ...

Don't mess with old dogs!!! Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery, brilliance only comes with age and experience.



Glad you are here, thanks, see you again soon................................

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:


- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman


One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:


* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.


* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.


* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.


* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.


* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.


* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.


* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.


* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/store/restaurant/ laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.


* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.


* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin' nowhere so she can go to the spa, get her nails done, get a "hot rock massage", and go shopping...


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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...
"Oh No!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some.
Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.
"How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go
and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them paid."





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Saturday morning

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that crap?"

I still don't know if she was joking...



Ha! Ha! a bit of humor never hurts, see you soon..........................

50th Anniversary


On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife
found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and said: "Honey, do you
remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear,
I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded,
"Well, honey, as I remember, I said, “'Darling', I'm going to suck the life
out of those beautiful breasts and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said.
So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.
What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and replied, " Mission accomplished."