Espresso Pencils Paint and Pixels

About three weeks ago, I guess at the beginning of the serious part of getting ready for my move, I started reading and taking real interest in my horoscope. I found that the Tarot.com horoscope syndicated on my Google Start Page was particularly meaningful and accurate, and so I subscribed to the feed and began to check it most mornings before work.

The first few days, the content was pretty benign and helpful. It went something like : Today is a great day to achieve things you've been putting off! Go ahead and tell people what you really think today, because honesty will only bring your friends closer now.

But by week two, things were getting a bit darker and the content had devolved to something more like : Though you have the best intentions, your actions just don't seem to get you anywhere today. Be alert to the dangers that surround you.

By the end of that week, it was this horrible downer to the effect of : As your dreams come crashing down around you, your only hope is to try to minimize the damage. Loved ones no longer trust you.

Today's I can quote verbatim. It reads : You may not be ready to do what is being asked of you today, but your feelings are less important now than your obligations. Instead of thinking about your needs, you must now attend to those around you. Consider the usefulness of anything you say or do prior to taking action. Remember, efficiency is temporarily more essential than comfort.

Isn't that so heavy?! Makes you want to stay in bed.

But try as I might, I can't seem to stop reading them, and thinking thoughts like, "well, you should read today's; it might turn out to be a good day and you won't know unless you read it." The impulse is a combination of what I imagine a gambling addiction would be like, and the same responsibility that forces me to open the bills and pay them. So that's like, "you have to confront this or things will get even worse".

Which is ridiculous. The actual truth is that on these supposedly horrible days, I always forget that they were supposed to have been horrible, and the day flows, and then at night, when I remember what the horoscope said, I can usually apply it to some not-so-traumatic thing, like, "oh yeah, I guess I did have to wash a lot of socks today" or "Stephanie did seem kind of grumpy."

So definitely not the life-altering trauma that is so dramatically implied by whichever florid and dissatisfied Tarot.com employee gets to wrap words around these planetary events.

Some person interprets the formations of the stars and planets, and tells some writer, "such and such planet and star are near each other today so Cancer is going to have to make a decision" and then the writers says to herself, "fine, but how can I make that DRAMATIC?"

"Despite your best efforts, difficult choices are inevitable today. Brace for the impact."

This is the same thing that happened to television journalism when ratings became involved. Suddenly the anchors have to look like washed-up soap stars and the first 75% of the show details the different violent ways in which people recently died.

But as much as I'd like to end the post with a commitment to stop reading these things, or to stop taking them seriously, I don't think I could deliver. Something in me needs to 'confront' them.

It's been at least five days since I posted, and maybe longer because I haven't looked. So here's why: I said to myself sometime last week that my blog didn't have enough art in it, and I shouldn't post again until I make time to produce a nice big illustration, so I made a sketch that I really liked, and then I scanned it, and it just sits on my hard drive waiting for ink and color, because this whole 'life' thing is just really complicated right now and I wasn't fully expecting things to get so complex and emotional.

My roster of events is borring so I'll spare you, but let it be known that I'm busy as fuck and a little on edge as well.

This and my developing gym habbit make it hard to draw, paint or code anything that does not directly relate to a paid project or in some way move me closer to Seattle.

So the illustration may or may not happen. Maybe this weekend, but I don't want to avoid posting just because of this self-promise that seems to be hurting my updates rather than helping them.

And that alone paints the picture I think.

Over the weekend I drove a few things to Huntsville to leave at my parent's house and next weekend I'll do the same. When I move, I'll only have a very few things with me.

I've got to reformat and install Windows over Ubuntu on my laptop since it will be my only machine to collaborate with my clients on. I'll partition it and install Ubuntu as a secondary OS. Makes me sad but I have to be able to create Flash, open Quark and InDesign documents, and deal with complex Photoshop files that Gimp doesn't handle properly. Proprietary formats will bite you every time. At least I can keep Ubuntu on a partition for my own private use.

The way I feel is impossible to pin down. I am alternately very very sad, worried, and excited. Watching Matthew's sadness is the worst part of the change. I can't stand to see him sad; I'm looking forward to finding a place for him to stay so that there won't be so many questions and concerns on his mind. The sooner his questions of survival are addressed, the better.



So at work, I bound around the halls with the hugest grin on my face because all I can think about is how thrilled I am to be leaving this awful place, but on the drive home I start thinking about questions and problems, and at home all I think about is making things work for Matthew, and the turmoil of packing and getting rid of things. If ever I wanted things to move faster, it would be now. I want to skip past the hard 'figuring out' part and move straight to the 'doing' part.

The show in Huntsville was a horrifying failure, but I enjoyed seeing my old friends in my home town. I was just too tired to enjoy myself at that terrible show, and the work I produced wasn't up to my standard, so I ended up leaving a lot of it behind, which was awkward because I ended up sitting in this huge tent with four tiny paintings against the back wall.



But I've finished and tweaked a lot of the work since the end of the show -- just to prove to myself that this stuff could have been great, but also motivated by a kind of secret new opportunity. Opportunity of the week. It's a Beneficialicious Cornucopportunitopia but I can't talk about it yet.

My days at the gym are starting to pay off; I've lost weight and gained some muscle. It's expensive to maintain a trainer, but I subsidize the cost with the money I no longer spend on large meals, so that's win/win.

I think trying to force the Seattle trip to happen in October might be pushing too hard. Home life with Matthew and the cats is alright right now; ironically it's the best it's ever been. The power of letting go of expectations; remind me to do that before the end next time.

I've got plenty of projects to keep me busy and generate money for my savings account such that a trip further down the road would be not only possible but comfortable.

It may not be the official first day of Fall, but today the temperature never rose above 80°F, and there was a nice breeze all day. So I've decided it was at least the preview.

My freelance work is going well, but as usual I'm barely hanging on at my day job. Projects are finished these days on the very day they are due and it makes me crazy. Tomorrow morning a whole suite of order pages is due and I'm not even done with the template. So I'm going in at 5:00AM to see if an extra couple of hours will help my situation at all.

I'd love to turn in a notice as soon as the current cluster of jobs is finished, and I get the distinct impression that they too would love for me to turn in a notice, but sadly, I think the benefit still outweighs the stress and trauma of pretending to be this ridiculous character five days a week.

Last night, my relationship with Matthew ended. We had shared three, or almost four years together depending on when you start counting. There have been times in the past when we tried to break it off unsuccessfully, but yesterday everything came together in a special and perfect way. I'm told by Frederick that it probably had to do with the New Moon.

I have great confidence in Matthew's ability to organize for himself an extremely suitable life. I wish him success, happiness, safety, security, and unexpected, exciting new types of joy that might only be possible now that he's free again to follow his own heart and course. I wish him challenge and satisfaction in discovering that course.

As for me, I'm very excited about this new beginning, and also very sad.

I'm working hard on a new promotional site for my art and coding. I would like to leave the state within the next two months, and I'm open to almost any option in the United States or Europe.

If any of you know of positions that need someone with my skill set and/or aesthetic, then please mention them to me, or me to them.