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Pat Maginess: Private-Eye

Hard Shelled Detective Fiction by Edward Piercy

Posts tagged with "private-eye"

<i>That Killer Smile</i> (Part 3)

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PART III


The highway that crossed the Oxnard Beach area was an old, narrow two-
lane that more or less paralleled the ocean that stretched just to the
west. From the highway I could see mostly small, intermittent houses back
off the road along the edge of a low cliff that faced the beach area.

The sun was already getting lower. I had a hard time making out the
numbering on the mailboxes along the edge of the highway. I reached box
number 12800 and then came to 13000, at which point I turned around.
Going back the other direction I finally made out box 12200. There was a
narrow dirt drive stretching back about a hundred yards to the house. I
pulled in and killed the engine and sat there for a minute.

If Creek had in fact kidnapped Mary Pollard I figured it would be best
to go in quietly and check things out. I got out of the car and walked
up the side of the drive, keeping to the low bushes as much as possible.
It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing. Once up the drive I
noticed that the back of the house was toward the driveway, the front
toward the beach. It was a tiny house, really, one that certainly could
have stood with some repair work on the exterior. The white paint was
peeling in spots and shingles needed to be replaced on the roof.

There was a car parked just five feet short of the back door. I crept
up and crouched behind a bush and checked out the license plate number.
It was 280806, the license number of Mary Pollard's car.

I pulled my Smith and ran for the side of the house in a crouch and
checked out the window on that side. Inside I could make out some sort
of living room or den that accessed through back door, with an archway
on the opposite end leading into a dining room. After my eyes adjusted
a bit I made out a pair of legs sticking out from the edge of the dining
table. I waited a few minutes, then looked again. Nothing had changed.
There was still the pair of legs, masculine legs in trousers. There was
no sound from inside. I made one more check and went around to the back
door.

I tested the knob. It was open. I leveled the .38 and went in. Once
inside the legs connected themselves to a thin, tallish man sloped
in a chair holding a wine bottle in his hands. He had a dark pair of
slacks on and a while shirt. I went up to him, the gun pointed at his
belly. He gave me a blank stare. Even in the dim light I could make out
the heavy circles under his eyes, and he had a thick growth of beard going.

"William Creek, I presume."

He gave me a dirty look and pulled the wine bottle up to his lips and
took a huge gulp. Then he stuck the bottle down between his legs. Since
he wasn't in any mood to be sociable I sat down at the table uninvited.
Creek eyed my gun like it was just some sort of odd thing that had
popped up into existence that he didn't worry too much about. Compared
to the photo of him that I had gotten from Baffin, he looked like some
strange, dream-altered version of himself.

"My name is Pat Maginess, Creek. I'm a private investigator. I was
hired to find you. But first things first. Why don't you just tell me
where Mary Pollard is. Then you can get back to your wine."

Creek looked me in the eye, took another drink.

"She's out on the barbecue" he said flatly.

"Out on the barbecue?" I said, not sure if I had heard him right.

"Yeah. The barbecue."

He was drunk. But nevertheless I had to check it out.

I walked out the same way I had come in, through the back door, but it
took me three times as long to cover the distance. I had a funny feeling
that whatever Creek had meant by "out on the barbecue" that I wasn't
going to like it. About thirty feet in the back of the house on a little
patch of what passed for grass in that area there was a large stone
barbecue. There was no sign of Mary standing around. Not that I had
expected there to be. If she had been out by the grill I would have seen
her while I was checking out her car.

I walked up to the grill. On top of it was a large lump of some sort
forming a vague U-shape on top of the metal grates. I pulled out a pencil
and poked the large lump with the eraser end of the pencil. The lump was
in fact a large, rolled up carpet that had been partly incinerated. There
were also some flakes of what looked like burnt paper on the top of it.

"This had better not be what I think it is" I said under my breath.

I poked the lump some more. At one end there was a gap in the roll. I
pulled at it with the pencil and a white shape slid out from the roll
around it. I poked it with the pencil. It took a few seconds to sink in,
but when it did I realized that what I was looking at was the charred
remains of a human heel.

"Oh, Jeesus frigging Christ" I said, turning suddenly. The anger in me
rose up, and I threw down the pencil and walked all the way back to the
Plymouth and got my pint of rye out of the glove compartment and walked
the distance back and into the house. I had needed every yard of the walk
and every second I used taking it to get my anger back under some sort
of control. I pounded the bottle of rye down onto the dining room table,
turned a chair around and sat on it and put my .38 down next to the bottle.

"Well that was a real shit-ass job you did out there, Creek. I hope you're
proud of yourself."

In the interval, Creek had gotten himself a new bottle of wine. The old
empty one sat on the table, and he had the neck of the new one in his
fist.

"Yeah, well, I only had a half-gallon of kerosene to use as an
accelerant" he said. "I don't really give a shit."

I sipped some rye and lit a cigarette. "Why don't you tell me about it,
Creek. Get it off your chest. Trust me, you'll feel better if you do."

"I feel like crap" he said, slamming the bottle down.

"So go ahead and tell me, then. You won't feel any worse, right? Just
start at the beginning. Take your time. We don't have to make any trips
right away. It's just me and you."

He picked up the bottle again.

"She was a stupid, lying whore" he said.

"She was having an affair with Clovis Richardson" I put forward, trying
to get things moving a little more rationally.

Creek looked up at me, fury in his eyes.

"Yeah, Richardson. My friend, supposedly. The guy I gave my best for.
The guy who I played golf with. The guy I taught to play backgammon. My
friend. Yeah, right. The rotten, stinking bastard."

"So you were jealous" I said.

"Hell yes I was jealous" he roared. He took another gulp of wine, and
the gesture seemed to settle him down a bit. When he continued he was a
bit calmer. "I knew from the very beginning. From the day I first saw
her. It was like a chemical reaction going off inside of me. And it
didn't stop. A few days after she was hired I asked her out to dinner.
We had dinner. We went to this nice restaurant, a Greek place. Outside
the restaurant she leaned up against me, threw herself at me, literally.
And I knew that she wanted it as bad as I did. And we were happy for a
while. For me, it was the happiest time of my life. I had just put the
final refinements into this new formula I had been working on. But it
wasn't anything compared to how Mary made me feel."

I sipped some more rye, put the bottle down.

"So when did trouble in paradise begin?" I asked.

"It was last May. When we first started going together, we'd get
together all the time. Sometimes we'd spend the whole weekend together.
But then last October she started this babysitting thing. Or at least
that's what she told me. Babysitting for her upstairs neighbor's kid,
she said. I had no reason to doubt her. I didn't like it, but that was
her thing, I guess. If she wanted to babysit, then fine. We had other
nights together. But then she started throwing in other excuses for
Friday nights. That's what made me suspicious. Lots of excuses, but
always Friday night. She has a bad cold. Friday night. Her aunt wants
her to visit. Friday night. Fucking frogs rain down from the sky. Friday
night. Always fucking Friday night."

He drank some more wine and ran his fingers through his hair.

"That's what made me suspicious. So one Friday I followed her from
work back to her place. I parked outside her apartment. A couple of
hours went by. Then this green Jaguar pulls up. It was Clovis. He went
into her building and they came back out together. They had their arms
around each other."

"And so why didn't you confront her, call it quits?"

Creek laughed. "Because I couldn't stand to lose the lying little
slut. Pathetic, isn't it? We'd still sleep together. But that couldn't
last. After a while it got harder and harder to look at her. I couldn't
pull myself away from her. But I couldn't stand the way things were,
either. If you can't progress one way and you can't progress the
opposite way, you have to find a new third way. So that's when I started
thinking about it. About killing her. But I knew that if I was going to
do that I'd have to have a plan set. Some way to get out of the country.
I thought about Argentina for a while. And then I thought about the
Russians. Crazy, but there was no way the Russians would turn me in. And
I had this new formula I had been working on to add as bait."

"You contacted Yuri Nabokov."

"I wrote a stupid letter to their embassy in Washington. I wrote two
stupid letters, in fact. Then one Friday she said she had to babysit,
the usual lying bullshit. I stopped at a bar after work and proceeded to
get good and drunk. That's when Nabokov sat down next to me. We talked.
I didn't tell him anything about Mary or what I was planning to do. I just
told him I was sick of this country and wanted out. I told him what I had
to offer and what I wanted in return. He said he thought it could be
arranged. So that was it. I'd kill Mary. Then I'd screw Richardson too
by taking off with the formula."

"So what happened with your deal with the Russians?"

"I didn't go through with it. After I killed her, it just didn't seem
to make any difference anymore. I never got back in touch with them.
Besides, I've been kinda busy. I had three cases of Merlot in the
cellar to work on."

"And it looks like you've been putting in a lot of overtime. Tell me,
Creek, how did you and Mary end up here?" I asked.

"I invited her. I said, let's go to my place on the beach. She had
never been here. It's a long drive, I don't come here much. I thought
about how I might get her simply to disappear. Just vanish. So I told
her, don't pack any bags. We'll stop and have a shopping trip first. You
can buy all the new clothes you want. I'll pay for them. Just to
celebrate the new formula and everything."

"And she went for it."

"Of course she went for it" he said, laughing like a movie madman.
"I picked her up Saturday morning and took her shopping, like I had
promised. We hit stores in Hollywood. I paid cash, every bit of it. I
didn't care how much we spent. I bought her everything. Hat to heels.
She had never been on that type of wild shopping spree before. She would
try something on and then giggle and come up and put her arms around me.
And then she would give me that smile of hers, like she cared about me
so much and like I was the only man she would ever want. And for a second
I would actually believe it. But then she would go to the mirror and adjust
her dress, and as she stood there in front of the mirror I thought about
how there were actually two of her. And of how one was a lying fucking
whore."

Creek finally sat up and pulled himself to the table. In the slightly
better light I could see his blood-shot eyes. He obviously hadn't slept
in days. He drank some more wine.

"And then we came here. I made dinner, lasagna. I'm a pretty good cook
when I want to be. Cooking is basically just chemistry. We had dinner. I
put out some cheese torts for desert. All the while I had the big
butcher knife under my napkin. But for a while I didn't think that I was
going to do it. Everything was just so normal, so seemingly perfect. And
then it happened. Out of the blue. There we were just having a nice
dinner. And then she tells me that she has to babysit again the next
Friday. There was a perverseness about her telling it that was just
unbelievable, like she honestly couldn't wait to lie to me again. And
she just smiled as she said it. That was the worst. Just that smile."

"I lost it. I grabbed the butcher knife and yanked her so hard out of
her chair it tore her dress. Then I pushed her up against the wall and
held her by the throat. I called her every name I could think of. Then I
stuck the knife in her. Slow, at first. The knife had just the slightest
bit of resistance as it went in. I slid it the rest of the way. Then I
pulled it out and slid it in again. There wasn't any smile on her face
then, I guarantee you, the little bitch. I kept at it, stabbing her.
Finally I realized that her eyes were totally empty. I let go of her
throat and she fell to the floor. I looked around. There was blood all
over the fucking place. I sat down at the table. It was kind of a blank
after that for a while. When I came around, I went into the bedroom and
got the rug off the floor and brought it in and rolled her and the knife
up in it. Then I took her out to the barbecue. When the fire got going I
came back in and got the file for the new formula and took that out and
put it on top. And that was everything. Everything was gone. There was
nothing left."

I shouldered my .38 and walked the few feet into the kitchen. With the
better light coming from the overhead fixture it wasn't difficult to
tell how much violence had occurred there. Creek had made an attempt to
clean up after the murder over the past days, though given his mood I
wasn't exactly sure why. There were still large traces of blood splatter
high up on the wall and a good inch to inch-and-a-half strip of dried
blood along the baseboard. Besides that, he hadn't exactly been doing
the dishes, either, and there were empty and half-full cans of chili and
other stuff spread all across the counters. In any case it was evident
that the cops would have plenty of evidence to work with. Not to mention
the horror out on the barbecue.

I didn't have any handcuffs. Searching through the kitchen drawers I
found some basting twine that I thought would get the job done. I tied
Creek's wrists together and led him out to the Plymouth and stuck him
in. As I got in the car, I took a last look over at the barbecue grill.
Hearts raked over the coals, I thought to myself. I bid a silent
farewell to Mary Pollard, and turned the ignition.

Creek didn't say anything on the ride back in. He had already said
everything he had to say. As for myself, there were plenty of things
that I wanted to say. But I was afraid that some of them would involve
reaching over and punching Creek in the jaw a few times.

It was a long, dark, quiet drive back to Los Angeles.

********

When we got back to the city I stopped at a gas station and called
Baffin. After a while Richardson came on the line. I told him that I had
Creek and would be there in fifteen minutes. He seemed surprised, then
elated.

"Well, I wouldn't get too excited quite yet, Richardson. You'll see why
when I get there. Anyway, I've got Creek. Now I want the cash. And I
would like it in a nice white envelope."

I had Richardson transfer me over to Jerry Salazar, and talked with
him a few minutes. He agreed to meet me at Richardson's office.

Back at Baffin, I didn't bother parking in the V.I.P. lot this time.
I parked directly in front of the entrance and pulled Creek out of the car.
Once in the building I got out my Swiss Army knife and cut the string
off of Creek's wrists. I didn't care about whether Creek suffered the
personal indignity of having his wrists bound with basting twine like a
roast chicken. He could go to hell for all I cared. But I remembered
what Casey had said about scientists liking to keep things simple. I
didn't know anything much about chemistry, but I thought there was a
pretty good chance that Creek had the formula in his head. And though it
all seemed a bit meaningless now considering what had happened to Mary
Pollard, I felt it was part of my job as a private investigator to look
out after my client's interests. I was thinking that I might be able to
swing some sort of deal between Creek and Richardson. And if untying
Creek's hands made him feel a little more amenable, then it was no big
deal.

The security guard at the front desk being absent for some reason, we
took the regular slow elevator up to the seventh floor. Richardson's
secretary had left for the day or perhaps given the circumstances had
been sent home.

Richardson sat behind his desk. Jerry Salazar stood in front of him, a
security guard off to the side. He tipped his head to me as we walked up
to the desk.

"Have a seat, Creek" I said, pushing him down into a chair. Richardson
came around from behind the desk.

"Here's Creek, Richardson. You got the cash?"

Richardson nodded, reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out an
envelope and handed it to me almost absent-mindedly. He kept staring at
Creek, and it wasn't hard to figure out why given the way Creek looked
at that point.

"My god, what happened?" he said.

I was standing between Richardson and Creek. Nevertheless I didn't
think that I would be able to keep a man of Richardson's bulk away from
Creek's throat if it came down to that. I decided not to worry about it.

"Seems Dr. Creek here is a little on the jealous side. Went after his
girlfriend with a carving knife. Mary Pollard is dead, Clovis."

At first I thought Richardson was indeed going to go after Creek. But he
put one hand at his back and the other at his forehead.

"My god" he said. "Poor Mary. Poor, poor Mary."

"And I'm sure you mean that, too, Richardson. Considering you were the
one she was seeing on the side. Not that I'm being judgmental, or
anything. But it all figured into it. William loves Mary. Mary loves
William. Mary also loves Clovis. A recipe for trouble."

Richardson went back to his chair and sat down. He glared at Creek.
Creek in his turn glared at Richardson. It was going to be more
difficult than I had thought.

"Gentlemen, the way I look at it, you probably hate each other's guts
right about now. But Mary is dead. There's nothing we can do about that.
Creek, you're probably looking at Murder I. That's the electric chair.
Unless you can come up with the money for a really top-notch defense
lawyer. Then you might get Murder II. Sit around and read books about
chemistry for the rest of your life. Maybe even write some poetry, who
the hell knows. But you'll be alive. Clovis, you have the future of your
company and its employees at stake. Creek has the formula in his head,
no doubt. What he needs is a good legal defense. One like the Baffin
Corporation might be able to get him. I'm not telling you people what to
do, but it seems to me that it'd be better for both of you to come to
some sort of an arrangement with each other."

Richardson and Clovis avoided looking at each other. Creek crossed his
arms and looked at the carpet. Richardson lit a cigarette and stared at
his lighter.

"I suppose we might be able to come up with some legal counsel for him"
Richardson said finally.

Creek tried crossing his leg, missed on the first try, succeeded on the
second. He was still drunk.

"I don't want the electric chair, I damn well know that" he said
finally.

"Good. Then we'll assume you can help each other then."

I took Jerry Salzar over to the other side of the room. I gave him
Creek's address and told him what to expect. He said he would call the
cops and get them in to pick up Creek and fill them in.

"They'll probably want to talk with me, but I don't feel like going
through all of that tonight. I'm tired. Tell them they can stop by the
office when they're ready for my statement."

"Okay, Pat. Sure will. God, that's just terrible about Mary, you know?
I mean, she always seemed like such a nice girl."

I didn't know what to tell him, really.

I went back down in the slow elevator and past the empty guard station
and got in the car. As I drove out of the Baffin lot it occurred to me
that either Richardson or Creek might welch on the deal that I had
brokered, and that if they did that it wouldn't be too surprising.
Richardson had the future of his company at stake. Creek, the summit of
his life's work and the possibility of the electric chair. But when it
came down to it they were primarily just men, men who had the misfortune
to love the same woman. And when it comes to that kind of thing, good
judgment rarely figures into it.

********

As tragic as Mary Pollard's death was, it had inadvertently given me a
good out with the Russians. Nabokov could hardly blame me for what Creek
had done. And I knew that none of his men had been following me out on
the lonely stretch of highway along Oxnard Beach. I suppose he could
have some sort of informant at Baffin. In fact, it was likely. But the
building had been empty when I had taken Creek in. And I certainly knew
Jerry Salazar wasn't a communist, five kids or not. That left the one
security guard who had been there. If it were Poker, the odds would
be in my favor.

If it had been something like the latest plans for the atomic bomb or
the latest military jet, I had no doubt that Nabokov would kill to get
stuff like that. But as far as the Creek matter was concerned, I didn't
think he would go that far. It wouldn't be worth playing his hand for
that kind of thing and possibly exposing his network to the F.B.I. or
the C.I.A. The formula was just a part of the game to him, a small part
of it. Tomorrow he would be on to another round in the game, and he'd
forget all of it. Or so I hoped.

In any case I needed to talk with him, and I didn't just want to leave
some message with someone on the other end of the phone. I wanted to see
him in person. I called my contact at the L.A.P.D. and got an address
for the telephone number Nabokov had given me. It turned out to be a
small office about a mile south of my own. I stopped at a local liquor
outlet and got a fifth of my favorite Canadian rye, and drove over to
the office building and took the elevator up to the fourth floor.

Locating the right office, I tried the knob. It was locked, so I set
down my package and got out the lock-picking kit and jimmied the lock.
Turning the knob slowly, I pulled my .38 and pushed the door open with
two fingers, hoping like hell the hinges didn't squeak. There was no
noise from inside, so I took a few steps forward and peeked into the
office. To the right there was a vacant desk. I allowed myself a half-
second peek around the corner of the door. There were two more desks in
the room, each facing the same direction. At the third one, up against
the left wall, a man sat with his back to me. I walked in quickly and
quietly and approached him, the gun leveled.

"I'm here to see Yuri Nabokov" I said as I reached the desk. The man
jerked up from his newspaper and whirled around. Instinctively, his hand
went for his pocket.

"No, no gun" I said. "It's too late for that." I reached into my
pocket and pulled the business card that Nabokov had given me and
extended it to him with two fingers. He looked at the card, then up at
me. He just sat there. Now that I had a better look I could tell that
the guy was young, probably not more than twenty-two or so. Like any
organization, I guess the KGB had its share of rookies.

"Go ahead, kid. Take the card. It won't bite. Neither will I as long
as you don't go for that gun."

The kid reached out and took the card, turned it around and looked at
it. Then he looked back up at me.

"Now, reach down in your pocket with two fingers and pull the gun out.
Take it nice and slow. Slow motion. Pick it out by the butt."

After a few seconds the kid stuck his hand down and picked a Walther
PPK out and held it up in front of him by two fingers. I reached out
quick and grabbed it and stuck it in my pocket.

"Great. Now that we have that taken care of, why don't you give Yuri a
call? I guarantee you, he wants to see me. Tell him that Pat Maginess is
over, with a bottle of whiskey for us."

The kid was stuck. He didn't want to obey me, but he didn't know what
else to do either. I went over to the desk facing him, keeping the gun
leveled at him, and pulled a chair and sat down.

"Go ahead, make the call. I'm not going anywhere." I waved the back of
my hand at him, trying to get him in motion. Finally, the kid decided
that the only alternative he really had was to make the call. He reached
over and pulled the receiver, not taking his eyes off of me. Then he
turned slightly and dialed a number. When the person came on the line,
he spoke quickly and in whispers. I couldn't make out most of what he
said, but I made out enough to recognize my name and to know he was
speaking English. The KGB wouldn't speak Russian over the phone, of
course.

The kid hung up.

"Mr. Nabokov says that he'll be over in fifteen minutes" he said.

"Great" I told him. "Hey, would you mind doing me a favor? I left a
small package outside the door. Go over and pick it up, will you?" I
waved my gun on him and he finally moved and went to the door and got
the bottle of whiskey and carried it back in.

"Thanks" I said. "Just put it down on the desk here."

The kid put the bottle down and returned to his own desk. He hardly
ever took his eyes off of me. He didn't seem too happy about things.

"You speak very good English" I told him. "Or should I say American."

"Thanks" he said simply. The kid was the new breed of KGB. He had
probably been speaking English most of his life.

We waited there for a while, neither of us saying much. At what I
figured must be fifteen minutes on the dot the door opened and Yuri
Nabokov walked in. The first thing he did was to walk up to the kid and
give him the eye. Nabokov wasn't happy with him. The kid just looked
down at the ground like a whipped puppy. Nabokov finally jerked his
head, and like some unspoken communication the kid headed for the door
and walked out. Only then did Nabokov acknowledge my presence.

"Well, Mr. Maginess. I hear you have invited me to have a drink with
you" he said. His mood wasn't the best, and it was obvious that he was
still thinking about the kid. I still had the .38 out.

"Yeah" I said, pulling the bottle out of the sack with my free hand.
"Trouble is, I didn't think to bring any glasses."

The Russian considered that for a moment. "I might be able to do
something about that" he said. He went over to the other desk and opened
a few drawers. His face brightened. "Ah" he said, pulling two glasses
out. He clamped the glasses between two fingers with one hand and
grabbed the back of the chair with the other and brought it over and set
it to the left of me.

At that point I shouldered the .38 and reached over and grabbed the
bottle. I slid my fingernail around the seal and opened it and poured us
each a good three fingers each. I picked up my glass and tipped it. We
drank for a few sips.

"You shouldn't be so hard on the kid" I said, lighting a smoke.

"He should have known better" Nabokov said angrily.

"Yeah, but he's young."

"He still should have known better." I was sorry that I had mentioned
it. The kid was going to be on Nabokov's shit-list for months. Maybe
even years. But there was nothing I could do about that.

The Russian picked up the bottle and read the label, pointed to some of
the printing.

"Canadian!" he laughed. "I remember. Yes, it is very good whiskey, Mr.
Maginess. Very good." As if to confirm the fact he picked up his glass
and emptied the contents into his mouth, swirled the rye around a bit
and swallowed it in one clean swallow. I poured him another.

"Well, here's to the Canadians" I said, pushing my glass forward a bit.
We made the toast.

"So, Mr. Maginess. Maybe I call you Patrick? We are drinking now. No
need for formalities."

"Sure" I said.

"And you may call me Yuri. In any case, what news have you for me?"

"You might not like this news. I found Creek. He's in jail. Seems he
got a little jealous and went at his girlfriend with a butcher knife.
He'll be charged with murder."

"And the formula?"

"Destroyed. Creek set fire to it. Along with his girlfriend."

Nabokov just shook his head. "Oh, well."

"I suppose you could visit him in prison. Try to get the formula out of
him. He's still got it in his head."

Yuri just shook his head again.

"It wasn't the formula we wanted, Patrick. Not really. It was Creek
himself. The formula was just an excuse to draw him in. He was a genius.
Perhaps a misguided one, fooling with toothpaste. But it is a strange
thing about genius. It has an ability to alter itself, to wander hither
and thither. We would have put his great ability to better uses."

"Like developing weapons?" I said, tending to our glasses again.

"And you don't have anyone doing that here? I don't think so."

I had to give him that one. "Yeah, I'm sure we do."

It occurred to me what a two-edged sword science was, that a mind like
Creek's could be used to develop biological weapons on the one hand, or
mint flavored toothpaste on the other. But that was the way the world
was, anymore. It was the hideous versus the vacuous. The whole world was
torn in two.

"Well, you don't get your money, Patrick" Yuri said finally.

"No Creek, no cash. That's okay, Yuri. Baffin Corporation gave me the
bonus anyway. It's not as much as you were offering. But for a guy like
me, it's a lot of money."

Yuri nodded. "I am happy for you." he said.

That was it, then. I was clear with him. I breathed an inner sigh of
relief. Although there was still the matter of the shadowy Mr. Smith and
my own government to worry about.

We drank a bit. I studied the Russian's face. He had deep hairlines
around his eyes and on his forehead. It was an ancient face, much older
than its time.

"Did you serve during the war, Yuri?"

"Of course" he said, throwing up a hand. "Every Soviet citizen served
during the war. Me, I was at the siege of Leningrad. Two and a half
years, Patrick. Eight hundred and eighty days. I was running those who
were carrying messages out of the city. Five or six a day I sent them
out. I felt like the devil himself for doing it. Young ones, mostly,
most of whom I never saw again. Nor did anyone. Every once in a while a
communication would get in to us, and we would know that one of our men
or women had somehow managed to get through the German lines. And we
would rejoice. It was a minor victory in the overall scheme, perhaps.
But for us, it was everything."

Yuri reached up and filled his glass slowly with more whiskey, placed
the bottle down and stared at it.

"I didn't want to send them. But of course it was necessary. We had to
know what the Germans and the Finns were doing. And there was no way we
could tell from inside the city. But at night, I would lay in the dark
and wish for carrier pigeons. Imagine that, Patrick. Carrier pigeons. I
imagined myself feeding them and taking care of them. And making little
cooing noises to them, like they were my children. And I would put the
little notes onto their legs and release them into the air, where they
would fly far above the city, and out over the Germans, and on. What a
foolish thing it was to imagine. But I imagined it nonetheless. That they
would just fly, then, and never be harmed, fly on and on."

I gulped hard, my throat thick with the pain of it. I reached over and
grabbed the bottle.

"And you" Yuri said, a bit more brightly, "you were in Italy. A nice
place, Italy. Although I prefer the northern part of it. Milan, Turin. I
am a Russian. We like the cooler weather. I have read that you and your
partner caught a good number of fascist scientists in your web. And then
sent them back to America and made good use of them."

"Your side caught a good number also, if I recall. And you also made
use of them."

"Ha!" he said, slapping his thigh. "So we did. But I think your side
caught most of the better ones. And a few butchers as well. I read about
that, too."

I filled our glasses again. Between the two of us we had knocked off
two-thirds of the bottle so far. I was a guy who could hold his liquor
pretty well. But I had no doubt that Yuri Nabokov could drink me under
the table. He had already got a pretty good start on it.

"Well, let us drink to the defeat of fascism" Yuri said, raising his
glass. We clinked our glasses together. "To the defeat of fascism" I echoed.

"Ah, and here we are. Enemies, now. What a world, eh, Patrick?"

I sipped some whiskey, then rolled my glass around. It really was too bad
we hadn't had any ice.

"Do you think our two countries will destroy each other, Yuri?"

The Russian stared off into space for a few seconds, then turned to me
and shrugged.

"Well" he said, "if we do destroy each other, we will have deserved it
for being such incredible fools. And if we do not destroy each other,
well then we will have deserved that also."

I pulled out a smoke and lit it, and Yuri pulled out one of his little
cigars and I lit that, too.

"A guy tagged me the other day, Yuri. A Mr. Smith. Claims he is with
the government. Took me for a little ride around the city. He threatened
to revoke my investigator's license. And to pack me away to Virginia.
He's going to know that I met with you here this afternoon."

Yuri considered that for a moment, then nodded.

"Well, it seems this location is compromised, then. But it is no
matter. It was compromised the minute you walked into the room. But we
were due to move to another office at the end of the month anyway. In my
business, it is never good to stay too long in the same location."

"You mean the tractor business?" I said.

Yuri roared. "Yes, the tractor business! You never can be too careful
in the tractor business. In any case, as for this Mr. Smith, I know him
very well, in fact. Not personally, of course. More of a professional
relationship." Yuri reached over and patted me on the shoulder. "I wouldn't
worry too much about Mr. Smith if I were you, Patrick. I can find plenty
of ways to keep him busy over the next few days. Nothing serious, mind you.
Just a little harmless fun and games. Don't worry. A week from now, Mr. Smith
will be so preoccupied he won't even remember that you exist."

I nodded and tipped my glass to him, then gave him a quizzical look.

"And what about Mr. Smith? Does he keep you busy too, sometimes?"

The Russian leaned back in his chair and let out his big booming
laugh again.

"He has his moments" he said, smiling.

I had to admit, it was a killer smile.


Magnum P.I. : Most Popular Dick on T.V.

, , ,


According to The Thrilling Detective Blog Magnum P.I. has placed first
in the Sleuth Channel's informal public opinion poll for Most Popular T.V. Detective.


Thomas Magnum (Tom Selleck) as I usually remember him:
Walking down the beach thinkin' about stuff.



For a look at just all that was screwy about that poll, I will you refer
you to Kevin Smith and the TD blog linked above. But I thought that
since I had the time, and since the character of Thomas Magnum was in
fact a true fictional private detective (as opposed to a cop, or a
lawyer, or a part-time "sleuth" or whatever) that I would put something
about it here at P.M.P.I.

Back during a certain "down period" that I went through in the mid-80s
(waltzing Matilda, as the Aussies say) I had nothing much to do for a
few months but to look for work and read and watch television. I did a
little bit of reading, and quite a bit of television viewing (which I
hadn't done for years at that point). One of the programs that I tuned
in on during this period was Magnum P.I. The series was in syndication,
which meant a pretty much back-to-back stream of Magnum episodes. So I
watched a lot of them. Then, a couple years ago, out of school during
the summer and up late at night, I began watching Magnum again. So let's
just say I've put in my time with Magnum and Higgins and the rest of the
crew.

Now the strange thing is that after all those episodes, some viewed a
good number of times, I really can't remember Thomas Magnum doing any
of what you would call real investigation on the show. I'm sure he
did, of course. In a few episodes. Right? Somebody tell me he did do
some actual private-eye detective work in some of the episodes.

These are the the things that I remember most about the Magnum P.I.
episodes:

  • Magnum sitting around and whining about something or other

  • Magnum getting chased by Zeus and Apollo, the two Dobermans

  • Magnum taking long walks on the beach with a voice-over monologue
    in the background as he thought about stuff

  • Magnum surf-boarding, kayaking, or swimming, usually with the voice-over
    monologue again while he thought about even more stuff

  • Magnum going here or there in the Ferrari

  • Magnum getting bitched at by Higgins for driving or otherwise "injuring"
    the Ferrari

  • Magnum trying not to listen to Higgins' stories, or Higgins trying not to
    listen to Magnum whine

  • T.C. piloting Magnum around in his helicopter and complaining that Magnum
    this time sure as hell was going to pay him for it, which Magnum never did

  • Magnum meeting up with this or that female but never really getting his
    shit together about her

  • Flashbacks to Viet Nam which always had something or other to do with
    whatever the hell was going on in the present


Okay, like I said I think he must have worked a real case or two along
the way. I remember him pulling his .45 out in a couple of episodes, and
in a couple of episodes he actually fired it. But mostly you'd just see him
tuck the .45 at the small of his back under his Hawaiian shirt and that would
be it.

Incidentally, if you want an authentic Magnum P.I. hawaiian shirt, you can get one
here
. If you want to get the Magnum P.I. Detroit Tiger's baseball cap
or the Magnum P.I. blue jeans, you can get those just about anywhere. You'll
have to provide your own .45, of course.

I thought Magnum was a likeable guy, in the main. He whined too much for
my taste. And he had this water fetish thing which doesn't appeal to me.
And he never seemed able to make friends with the damn dogs, which you
think that down the years would be a given. Maybe he was just a cat
person, I really don't know. And he just never would grab the girl and
kiss her good and hard, that was tough to understand, too.

But I think all of that could be forgiven if the series would have been
just a better P.I. show. But it wasn't. Nevertheless, I watched it
anyway -- for some reason or other. Life is strange like that sometimes.

********

A few updates are in order. Roger Mosley, who played T.C. Calvin on the
Magnum series, went on to be a major television director. I think he
directed some of the later Magnum episodes, too. He was one of the first
major Afro-American television directors. He is currently serving as a
Director of the Director's Guild of America.

As for Tom Selleck, he has lately appeared in the television movies Death in
Paradise, Night Passage,
and Stone Cold. They are based upon works by
Robert B. Parker, known for his Spenser series of private-eye books. Evidently
Parker had at least something to do with the script writing for Stone Cold,
and in fact the original title was Robert B. Parker's Stone Cold. In these movies
Selleck plays Chief Jesse Stone, the sheriff of the small New England town of
Paradise. I've seen two of the series, and they were pretty good. I hope they
make more of them.



Lock Picking 101 for Private Eyes

, , ,

"Are you going to be around for a while, Mr. Maginess?"

I looked up from my paperback novel and looked at the clock. "Yeah,
a while. There's something I need to do later. But that's not for an
hour or so. Why?"

Carmen got up from her desk and came over and patted the little case
containing her lock-picking tools in her palm. I had gotten her the
tools for her twenty-first birthday.

"I thought I'd go around to some of the vacant offices in the building
and keep in practice."

"Okay" I said, getting back to the novel.

She went for the door.

"And try not to get arrested" I called out after her.

She turned around and straightened herself up to every inch of her
frame, which with heels was about six-foot-three, put her hand on her
hip and smiled sweetly.

"Cute little me, arrested? I don't think so." Then she walked out.

She was getting better and better, that one. All my training and bad
influences were beginning to pay off.

-- from "Hello, Robert"



Private-eyes use lock picks occasionally to get access to places they
need to get to. It's a time-honored tradition. In fact, they still use
them even today.

The above 32-piece set of lock picking tools -- the one that caught my
eye -- is available at $79.95 from The Lock Pick Shop.

It includes all sorts of various picks, including hooks, rakes, balls,
diamonds, extractors, and tension tools. And it comes in a nice leather
case. If this one is a little too large for your private-eye needs, they
have smaller ones that would fit in your jacket pocket.

The Lock Pick Shop also sells a really nice 14-piece tool kit along with
a book and an instructional DVD for only $75.95. A helluva deal!


<i>Bare Trap</i> by Frank Kane (Book Review)

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I reviewed Poisons Unknown by Frank Kane earlier in the blog. You
can find some links about Kane and his life and work by going to that
review. In this one I'll be reviewing Bare Trap (1952), the sixth
in the line of Kane's detective novels featuring P.I. Johnny Liddell.
Bare Trap actually just precedes Poisons Unknown in chronology.
I read them backwards and am kind of reviewing them backwards.

Here's the set-up. Private-eye Johnny Liddell is sweet-talked by his
friend and fellow P.I. Muggsy Kiely into coming to Los Angeles and
taking on a case. The case involves the disappearance of Wally Reilly.
Reilly is the son of a once-famous and now-deceased actor. He stands to
inherit a lot of money on his twenty-first birthday with the provision
that he doesn't get into any trouble first, so of course he does by
getting into trouble with local mobster Yale Stanley over some gambling
debts. Johnny doesn't quite trust Stanley, but he knows that what the
mobster really wants is just to get his money. Johnny meets with him and
tries to work it out. Paying the money to Stanley would get the kid in
the clear and his inheritance would then be safe. The real problem being
that no one knows where Wally Reilly is at. Until he turns up dead. From
there on Johnny runs through a good number of people who might have
wanted Reilly out of the way, the eventual focus being on an extortion
scheme that has quite a good number of famous people in L.A. being
blackmailed and paying out to the crooks.

Kane seems to like fisticuffs, and there are numerous fight sequences in
the novel, at least one of which is completely gratuitous. Johnny gets
involved in one shoot-out, and just manages to squeak by that one with
the cops.

In Bare Trap there is a scene in which Johnny goes to see
Syndicate boss Yale Stanley. "Yale Stanley sat on a corner of a desk
that looked as if it had cost a lot of money, his feet swinging lightly
against the side. He didn't look up from the absorbing task of cleaning
his nails with a small pocket knife." In Poisons Unknown, Johnny
goes to see a gangster by the name of Mary Kirk, who when Johnny first
runs into him is sitting "on the corner of a desk that looked as if it
had cost important money, his feet swinging lightly against the side. He
didn't look up from the engrossing task of pairing his fingernails."

Whoa! Oh well, if Johann Sebastian Bach can recycle entire scores, I
guess Frank Kane can recycle whole paragraphs, right? Kind of a modular
method of writing fiction, like post-war 50s architecture. Nice generic
paragraphs that one can throw in from novel to novel. Or maybe like a
jazz piece that we all know was used before by somebody else. I find the
whole thing humorous, but I have to take it kind of seriously, too. I
didn't know Frank Kane personally, but the 50s certainly were a period
of experimentation in fiction, and it kind of makes you wonder how the
influence of cultural elements such as architecture and jazz might have
entered into the pulp styles of the time. Providing that was Kane's
intent, of course; and I'm not sure if it was. Maybe he just figured
that nobody would notice anyway, so what the hell.

In any case, the paragraph(s) above aren't the only recycled bits in
common between Bare Trap and Poisons Unknown. I will be
reading Red Hot Ice next, so it will be interesting to see if any
of that has been recycled too and in exactly what ways.

There is one line from the book that I consider pretty smooth. Referring
to a woman's lipstick, his friend Muggsy says "She must put that stuff on
with a trowel." A pretty good line.

As I mentioned in my previous review of Poisons Unknown, Johnny
Liddell seems to have a serious problem with his getting his gun taken
away from him. In Bare Trap, Johnny gets worked over by a couple
of toughs in his hotel room at the beginning of the novel and gets
his .45 taken. He arranges through a contact to get another gun, which
is delivered to the hat-check desk at a local hotel. Johnny picks up the
package with the gun in it at the hotel and takes the box in to a
restroom and gets the .45 out. "He ripped open the box. Inside, nestled
in cotton batting, he found a gleaming, well-oiled .45. He took it out,
examined it. It was fully loaded, the serial numbers filed off. He
hefted it in the palm of his hand, approved, slipped it into his empty
shoulder holster."

Now the entire time I was reading that passage I was thinking to myself
that's going to last about twenty-four hours. Then he'll lose that
gun, too.
. In fact, Johnny doesn't even keep it twelve hours. But soon
afterward he gets his own .45 back, the one the two goons had taken from
him, so everything's okay again. But never fear, he loses that gun again
too, eventually. Maybe Johnny Liddell could bulk order his guns from Spain
by the dozen. At least that way he wouldn't be out as much money when he
loses them.

Now I suppose that even the best P.I. might have their gun taken from
them every once in a while. But my view of it is that a private-eye
wouldn't be that much different than a regular cop in that the last
thing you want to happen is to have your gun taken from you.
Evidently, Kane's brother was a NYPD cop and gave him technical advice.
You think his brother would have filled Kane in on that particular
point. And, in the interest of thoroughness, I should mention that
Liddell doesn't carry a back. Hell, what he really needs to do is carry
about five back-ups, given his luck. I would also have to say that
Liddell losing his gun in this novel does to some degree function as a
mechanism in the plot. The problem being that much the same thing
happens to him in Poisons Unknown.

As in Poisons Unknown there are plenty of short descriptions of
cigarettes being stuck in the mouth and lit with a match and of booze
being poured into a glass. There is generally a formula to smoking that
Kane employs on a regular basis in about two variations, repeated over
and over. And it doesn't only apply to cigarettes. Here are a few
excerpts form the novel:

Lighting a cigarette: "She selected a cigarette from the pack he held
out to her, took a light, drew in a lungful of smoke."

He's one for a cigar: "He scratched a match, applied it to the end of
the cigar, drew in a mouthful of smoke."

And here's one for a pipe: "Levin stuck the brier between his teeth,
applied a match to it, drew in a mouthful of smoke."

Writing in the 1950s, Kane didn't have his characters running around
smoking marijuana or opium. But by employing the formula and
extrapolating it a bit to the 1970s, I suppose we could come up with
something like this: "She put the joint between her lips, lit it with
the BIC, inhaled deeply and held it."

Now if you're going to have people smoking a lot in your novel you have
to describe it, and if you have a lot of people smoking quite a bit then
you are bound to run into some repetition. So I'm not going to give Kane
too much shit about it. I find it humorous, actually. In my short-story
"The Salesman," I paid a kind of mini-tribute to Kane by using his
lighting formula in one scene. Thanks, Frank.

There's another element that Kane throws in every once in a while
that I kind of like and find humorous. Johnny seems to have a tendency
to burn his tongue on the coffee he drinks. Not just sometimes, but
pretty much every damn time he picks up a cup of java. Hey, you think a
smart guy like Johnny would learn to maybe blow on it a bit or wait till
it cools off? No way.

Johnny Liddell has a gesture where he reaches up and pinches his nose
between thumb and forefinger. Unless Johnny has a cocaine habit that
Kane isn't telling us about, I figure it's just a 50s thing. I think
I've seen people like Frank Sinatra or Joey Bishop doing the same thing.
You don't see many people these days using that gesture, for some
reason.

Kane throws a female P.I. into this book, Muggsy Kiely, just like he did
in Poisons Unknown with female P.I. Gabby Benton. I find this
interesting. Is Kane suggesting that there should be more female P.I.s?
Or maybe more novels about female P.I.s? In both instances where Johnny
deals with these female private-eyes Johnny was brought in on the excuse
that the client didn't want to use "local talent" (i.e., a peeper who
was known in that particular town). Nevertheless, Liddell becomes the
lead investigator as soon as he moves in, kind of shoving the female to
the side. It's his case, I guess, so in a way it makes sense. But it
kind of makes you wonder what Kane had in mind by creating a fictional
female P.I., only to push her to a background role. Kane seems to be
breaking traditional 1950s gender roles and reinforcing them at the same
time. I was going to say something like "you can't have it both ways."
But in actual fact, I guess Kane did.

Kane's titles for these books have only the most tenuous connection with
the contents, or even no connection. There is one woman in the novel,
Terry Devine, who is the "trap" that the title suggests, and since the
plot involves sexual blackmail I suppose that she would have to be
"bare" at some point also. The title is a kind of pun, of course. As for
Poisons Unknown there are no actual poisons employed in the
novel, not even metaphorically. Kane's titles are meant to be eye-
catching, not really anything more. They're just advertising.

Speaking of which, and not that this has anything to do with Kane's
writing itself, but the cover of Bare Trap shows a brunette woman
sitting in a chair, with Johnny Liddell facing her and looking very
serious. The artist has the woman showing quite a bit of herself,
although it is impossible to tell wether she is actually naked or just
has some sort of skimpy bathing suit on -- the suggestion is more the
former, of course. But the interesting thing is the background. Instead
of the background being the rest of the interior of the room, it shows
instead a high mountain range with pine trees and snow-capped peaks.
Now, I've been to the San Bernadino mountain range. But considering
that most of the novel takes place in L.A. proper, you have to wonder
about the mountain element. At the end of the book Liddell takes a trip
out to the valley, but there's no way the cover art is showing the
valley, pine trees or not. The cover is obviously some NYC production
artist's concept of -- something or other. You have to really wonder
what was going through his head to put lofty, snow-capped peaks on the
cover. Unless he was thinking about actual bear traps. Bears live in the
mountains. Paint in some mountains. Who knows.

I am going to keep reading Kane. Unless I run into a novel that is
distinctly better than these two, or stylistically different, I will let
these reviews stand for the rest of the series. But I like reading Kane.
I found myself after a while liking his repetitions. They are like old
friends come to visit again. Kane isn't Spillane, not even close. But if
you like 1950s private-eye fiction, Kane is like the mint you stick in
your mouth between a more serious smoke.


P.M.P.I. RATING (OUT OF 5)

All My Todays (a P.M.P.I. Short Story)

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Private-Eye Pat Maginess gets into a rough spot and takes care of one very annoying cat.



"All My Todays"

a Pat Maginess private-eye story

by

Edward Piercy


[Cover Art by Georgi Dinev]




Los Angeles, 1952

"I would never shoot a cat" I said, finishing off my third rye of the afternoon.
"Unless they really had it coming to 'em."

Carmen, my secretary, looked over at me and smiled. She was sitting on
the chaise lounge wearing her blue bathing suit to get some sun. She had
a big floppy hat on and sandal-type heels and a pair of big, black bug-
eye sunglasses. One thing about Carmen, she always managed to dress
really spiffy on the small salary I paid her.

"That's really nice of you, Mr. Maginess" she said, turning a page in
her magazine. "Cats are really cute."

"Well, some of them are, anyway" I said. "That big old grey-and-white
tom that keeps getting into my trashcan, he's not so cute. And I think
he has the skills of a damn safecracker. Hell, I can barely get the lid
off that trashcan myself. One thing, I'm getting really tired of him
getting into it and waking me up in the middle of the night. Not to
mention the trash I have to pick up the next morning."

"Maybe he'll just go away" Carmen said, being the eternal optimist.

"Yeah, maybe he'll decide to take a nice vacation to Hawaii. And then
decide to stay. I should get so lucky."

I had been on a kind of vacation myself the past weeks, though it
hadn't been on purpose. The private-eye game has its ups and downs and
right then business was slow. I hadn't even gotten so much as a divorce
case in almost two weeks. But I had been pretty lucky in terms of big
cases since the previous December and had a nice bundle stashed in the
bank. Even with the money I had spent on the little house I had bought
I figured that I could live and keep up Carmen's salary and my office
for about a year.

"So, are you still going out to buy a surf board tomorrow, Carmen?"

"Yeah. If it's still okay to take the day off."

"It's okay. If you need any time off, now's certainly the time to do
it. I was thinking of not opening up the office tomorrow anyway. I
thought I might take a little drive out to Riverside."

"The women's prison again?" she asked, frowning. "To see that Brooke
girl?"

"Yeah, Carmen. To see Brooke."

Carmen flipped past several pages of her magazine. But it was obvious
she wasn't paying any attention to what she was looking at. She stopped
flipping pages and put the magazine down.

"Can I ask you a personal question, Mr. Maginess? Why do you go out to
see her? I mean, she murdered two people, right?"

"So what's your point exactly, Carmen?" The question seemed ludicrous
as soon as it came out of my mouth. But I stuck to my guns anyway.

Carmen shrugged. "Well, I don't have any experience at love, Mr.
Maginess. But it seems kind of strange is all."

She was right, of course. It was very strange.

"Well, she was a client and all."

"True. But you were also the person that put her in prison in the
first place."

"Also true" I said.

I was about to get up and make another rye and ginger when the phone
rang. It was Christine, my ex-girlfriend. And my ex-fiance as well. I
hadn't talked with her in two months.

"Christine, how are you?"

"Oh, fine. Look, the reason I called is I'd like to talk with you. Do
you think you could stop by the auction house tomorrow afternoon? Maybe
we could take a little walk or something."

"Yeah, I suppose I could do that. Things are really dead right now.
What time?"

"Oh, no special time. Just sometime in the afternoon."

"Okay. I'll stop by. How are you? Do you need anything? Anything I can
bring you?"

"No, Pat. Just make sure you stop by, okay? It's kind of important."

After the call I finally made my drink and went back to the patio.
The phone call bothered me, coming out of the blue like that after two
months.

"Oh, well. I guess I'll find out tomorrow."

"What's that, Mr. Maginess?"

"Christine wants to see me. But I don't know, maybe I should have told
her I was going shopping for a surf board."

********

The next morning I put on my new dark grey suit and a red-and-blue
striped tie and headed out for Riverside and the Southern California
Correctional Institute for Women. It was a long drive, and as usual I
spent the time thinking about Brooke. I had been coming out to see her
for a good number of months, since the previous June when she had hired me
to look into the unsolved murder of her father, a case which had been
cold since 1941. Since then I had been out to see her two or three times
a month. The hour-long drive it took would get me fifteen minutes with
Brooke, given that I wasn't her lawyer. It was worth it. Frustrating,
but worth it. In some way, I loved her. It was seldom that I could ever
figure it all enough to get beyond just that, that in some way or
another, I loved her.

I parked in the lot and was escorted to the guard station, where they
checked my guns in and took the box of candy that I had brought for
Brooke. Then a guard led me down a long hall and into the visitors room.
The room was empty except for the presence of a guard at the back inner
door to the rest of the prison. I knew it would take at least twenty
minutes for them to bring Brooke up. I paced and smoked a cigarette. I
didn't want to sit down, as I wanted to see her the minute she came
through the door.

A little while later there was a buzzing sound and the guard opened
the inner steel door. Brooke walked in, standing just at five foot in
her flat prison loafers. Lightening bolts flashed across her iceberg
blue eyes and then, seeing me there, calmed a bit. Her lashes were
sparse and even paler the her pale blonde hair, which fell down to her
shoulders and the top of her gray, short-sleeved prison dress. Somehow
on Brooke the dress looked like a three-hundred dollar designer special.
She walked up to the chair across from me and sat down and pulled the
chair forward from underneath, like a fifth grader getting ready for her
lessons. I took my chair and looked at her. Her eyes were intense and
had a pull to them that could have brought down the moon to the earth. I
called her my tiny witch, and for good reason.

"Did you bring me any chocolates?" she said, getting right down to it.

"Of course, Brooke. I always bring you chocolates. You know that."

She got a puzzled look on her face, then shrugged.

"I know" she said finally.

"I brought you a new kind this time. Very expensive. The woman at the
candy store told me they were really good. Made in Switzerland."

"I liked the ones you brought the last time."

"Well, maybe these will be even better then" I suggested. Brooke
thought it over.

"Maybe."

We sat there for a bit, almost like two lovers sitting on the beach on
a nice day watching the waves come in. Except that we were in the middle
of a concrete and steel prison. I leaned back in the chair and crossed
my legs and tried to relax.

"I read that play you girls put on. You know, Our Town. It was really
good."

"It was fun" she said. "And I remembered all my lines."

"I remember you telling me that."

There was another lull in the conversation. Brooke studied me like she
was reading a newspaper, though I doubted if she had ever read a real
newspaper in her life. Of all the people I had ever known, Brooke's
powers of intuition were the strongest. Which for some reason tended to
make her not the best in normal conversation. She sat with her hands on
her knees and looked at me while I tried not to think about her legs
being just under the table and so close. I wanted to rip the table apart
and get down on my knees in front of her, run my hands down over her
knees and around her perfectly curved calves all the way to her ankles.

"Anyway" I said, jerking myself out of the fantasy.

Brooke looked at me a few moments, and the false smile disappeared.
"What's wrong?" she said.

"Wrong? Nothing's wrong, really. Work is slow is all. No cases."

"You need a new job" she said.

"I don't think that's possible, Brooke."

"You need a new job" she said again, this time more emphatically.

"Maybe" I finally said. We sat in silence again for a while.

"So, Brooke" I said, "anything interesting happen in here lately? You
plan on putting on any more plays or anything?"

Brooke thought about it a few seconds. Then she leaned forward a bit so
she could speak more quietly.

"This girl who looked like a big bear tried to take my hairbrush."

"Really?" I said, almost afraid to ask. "So what happened?"

"I hit her over the head with an iron" she said simply.

"Oh."

"And then they took her to the hospital."

She looked down at the table and nodded her head and her mouth
scrunched up a bit in a what-can-you-do about it all look.

"And what about your combs? Nobody tried to take your combs, did
they?"

The lightening bolts came into Brooke's eyes for a second, then faded.

"Noooo..." she said, giving me one of her smiles.

"Well, that's a relief. You know, Brooke, this prison only has so many
inmates. And if you've got a lot of hair care items back there...well,
I don't know if this place can survive."

Brooke gave me a devilish look. "Bad dog. Your my bad little doggie."

"And did they take away your iron?" I asked, avoiding her dog comment.

Brooke just laughed. She had a strange laugh, like a Peregrine falcon
trying to say "Aw heck." In any case, that answered my question. I
should have known better anyway.

"Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that you're doing so well in here,
Brooke" I said, putting on a smile and nodding pleasantly. "I worry about
you."

"You do?"

"Sure." I did worry about her, though I wasn't exactly sure why.
Brooke was the type of girl that if you would throw her into a pit with
a bunch of lions, the smart money would bet against the lions. And for
good reason. As far as I knew she had only made one mistake in her life,
and that was against me. And I had sent her to prison because of it. But
she had been fighting the lions since she was fifteen years old. And in
spite of her one mistake she was very, very good at it.

"Five minutes" the door guard called out to us.

Brooke brought her hand up over the low partition.

"Did you bribe the guard again?" I asked.

"Of course" she said.

I reached up and took her hand. The false, efficient smile was gone
again. She seemed almost panicked by the thought of my leaving. I rubbed
the back of her hand with my thumb a few minutes, neither of us talking.
Her hand was tiny and pale and soft.

"Pat" she said softly, her eyelids half closed.

I felt an ache all the way down into the center of my self.

"Brooke."

The guard looked the other way and pretended he didn't see us.

********

I drove back into Los Angeles replaying my time with Brooke and wishing
that the roads from Riverside were better and didn't make my old
Plymouth bump up and down like a carnival ride. Although there was no
real reason to do so, I decided to stop in at the office and sort
through some mail before going to see Christine. It was right about
noon by the time I finally pulled up on Wilshire. I took the elevator up
to the third floor, humming an old tune that I hadn't thought about in
years, "I'll Be Seeing You."

I stuck the key in the door and turned the handle. As soon as I had the
door halfway open the little red light went off in my head. I paused and
listened a few seconds. Must be your imagination, I said to myself. I
pushed the door open the rest of the way.

As soon as I was through the door somebody from inside pushed it closed
and hit me on the head with something hard and metal. I was dazed and my
reaction time slowed. A short man with a heavy jaw held a .45 automatic
on me. In a matter of seconds he grabbed my right lapel with his right
hand, spun me around facing him. He reached in and took the .38 out of
my shoulder holster. With his gun leveled at me there was nothing I
could do about it. Then he hit me good and hard on the head with the
side of my gun. I went light-headed and fell onto the floor on my right
side just to the front of my desk.

It took a minute for my brain to start working properly. When it did I
looked up. The short man stood over me, a big sarcastic grin on his
face.

It was Skippy Bennett. Skippy was short and wiry with an oversize jaw
and the look of a bellhop about him. Which is what he had been for a
number of years, a bell hop. He was wearing a ten-year-old green suit
that had seen better days and a grey hat.

Five or so years earlier I had got Skippy on an insurance scam and he
had come to my apartment and shot me. He came pretty close to killing
me, and would have if things had gone a bit differently or if the shot
had been an inch further toward my liver. I left the hospital twenty-
four hours later with a big old bandage on my right side and loaded up
on pain killers. I tracked Skippy down and sent him away.

"Well hello, Skippy" I said. "Good to see you again."

Skippy grinned.

"I bet you are, peeper. But you won't be so glad in a few minutes."

I needed to slow things down a bit and give myself a chance to get out
of the situation, if possible.

"Seems like you picked up a few nice tricks in prison, Skippy. That
was a real professional knocking over you gave me. And you even managed
to get my gun while you were at it. So, I take it you picked the lock as
well?"

"Yeah. I learned a lot of things in prison. Not much to do, you know."

"Well, I'm sure that all of them will be valuable job skills, Skippy."

Skippy had gotten my .38, but I still had the little .22 automatic that
I carried in my right pocket. Lying on my right side like I was at that
point the .22 was just about under my hip.

"I've been doin' a lot of thinkin' about things in prison, peeper" he
said. "And one of the things I've been thinkin' about real bad is how I
was gonna put a couple of bullet holes in you."

"You already shot me once the last time, Skippy. Don't you think twice
would be kind of redundant?"

"Redundant? What's that? Are you calling me stupid or something?"

"Wouldn't think of it."

"Then you're sayin' what? That I'm short? Cause I'm a full five-foot-
five."

"Not that one either. You're a true giant among men, Skippy. Hey, you
know, I'm kinda thirsty. You think it'd be all right if I get up and get
me a whiskey? We can both have one, in fact. Just me and you. A final
drink together."

He thought it over. "Where's the whiskey at?"

I nodded over my shoulder at the desk. "In the desk. Bottom drawer on
the left. You can't miss it."

"Okay, but you just stay right where you are. Or you'll never get that
last drink."

Skippy walked over to behind the desk. When he got to the other side I
tilted my torso a few inches to the left, slowly so that he wouldn't
notice. I was able to get into my jacket pocket and slide my hand
down over the automatic and slide the safety off.

Skippy walked around with the bottle and a couple of glasses, the gun
still leveled at me.

"Great" I said. "A last drink. What we need is some ice in it. That'll
make it just perfect. I've got some in the little refrigerator in the
corner there. What say I just get up and get us some ice?" I made like I
was going to get up off the floor.

"You just stay where you are, peeper. I'll get the ice. And don't
you move."

Skippy headed over to the refrigerator. He was left handed, carrying
the gun in that hand. The refrigerator in the rear corner of the office
was at about a twenty degree angle in front of me and opened from right
to left. If he kept the gun in his hand when he opened the door I would
have the advantage. Which was exactly what happened. He opened the door
with his right hand and swung it and held it open with his left, the gun
resting on the top of the door on the far side. Then he leaned over and
peeked inside the refrigerator looking for the ice.

I would have preferred just to have gotten the drop on him. But it was
a .45 against a little .22 at fifteen feet, and I figured that if I merely
turned the gun on him I would more than likely end up dead. I had no choice
but to take the shot. I turned over on my back and jerked my hand out of my
pocket, extended my arm as best I could and fired off two shots. Skippy by
that time had turned toward me, but it was too late.

One of the shots hit him in the upper right shoulder. He fell back
against the refrigerator door. Then he brought the .45 up. I fired twice
more, and he leaned forward and began walking across the floor in slow
heavy steps, head down, like Frankenstein. He raised his head and started
to bring the .45 up again. I fired two more shots. The gun fell out of his
hand and he collapsed onto his forearms, rear up in the air a bit. Then he
made a gurgling sound and fell the rest of the way onto his stomach.

I remained on the floor a bit, my heart racing, staring over at Skippy. Then
I pulled myself up and went over to him and checked for a pulse. There wasn't
one. There was a trail of blood from the far wall all across the floor to where
he was laying.

Poor Skippy. Some guys were just the type to always get in over their
head.

********

Five hours later the police had finally asked all their questions ten
times each and they had taken Skippy's body out. I made the drink that
Skippy and me had never gotten around to and sipped it down. There was
an awful lot of blood on the floor. But that was going to be a clean-up
job for another day. There was no way in hell I felt like doing it right
then.

I had called Christine while the cops were milling around to let her
know what the situation was. We had arranged to meet at her apartment
instead. I finished the drink and drove over to her place, with scenes
from my encounter with Skippy blending in with more pleasant scenes of
Christine's apartment and the times we had shared living together. And
in between the cracks images of Brooke would seep into it as well, and
every time they did I found myself wishing that I was just back at the
ugly concrete and steel prison, sitting across from her.

"Sorry about events" I told Christine when she answered the door. "There
was nothing I could do about it, Chris."

"I know, Pat" she said, taking off her painter's smock. She was wearing
a light-gray dress with a white lace collar and black flats. With her short
black hair and dark green eyes and the dress, she looked like some English
princess at Windsor palace.

"I've been thinking about that, actually. Since you called this
afternoon it's practically all I've been thinking about. Pat, I've spent
a lot of time blaming you for all of this. It just felt like a betrayal.
It was a betrayal, actually. But to be honest, I don't know how much
longer I could have taken what you do for a living."

"It's a tough job" I finally said.

She turned to me and walked up close. "I just ran as fast as I could
into your arms, Pat Maginess. And I loved it. But then last December
came. And they beat the hell out of you. I didn't say anything. I tried
to be brave. But I just couldn't. It tore me up inside."

I didn't know what to say, really.

"Let's go for a walk, Chris. It's a nice evening."

We walked up Christine's block, with no particular destination in mind.

"How's your new house?" she said after a bit.

"It's nice, I guess. More stuff to take care of than an apartment. But
it has a back patio that looks out over the canyon. It's nice just to
sit out there and not see buildings and stoplights and billboards."

"I'm glad for you. I think with your job you need someplace where you
can be more alone afterward. Away from the hustle and bustle."

"Maybe. I do like it."

We continued down the block a bit. The temperature was cool, and there
was a nice gentle breeze blowing that seemed to wrap the cool air around
you like a silk jacket.

"So, what did you want to see me about?" I said finally, hating to ask.

Christine dug into her sweater pocket and pulled out the big diamond
engagement ring I had given her and stuck it out in my direction.
"Your ring. You might as well have it back."

I was about ready to suggest that she keep it until I realized just
how stupid that was. She was cutting the final cord. I reached out and
took the ring.

"I'm sorry, Chris. I really am."

"Are you?" she said, stopping suddenly. "So tell me. Are you still
going out to the women's prison? To see your tiny witch?"

There wasn't any anger in her voice. Just pain. Which was certainly
worse. In any case I couldn't deny it.

"That's what I thought" she said, walking again. She walked with her
arms crossed, looking only half-at me, the way women sometimes do when
what they really want to do is to tell you to go to hell but don't have
the guts to say it.

"Pat, you need to forget her and get on with your life. Go out and
meet a real girl, not some sort of fairy tale that you're living in your
head."

I took off my hat and found myself playing with the brim a bit. Off in
the distance a fire truck turned a corner and roared off to somewhere
in a big hurry.

"That's what the fairy tale means, Chris. It means you can't forget."

********

I woke up the next morning in a bad mood. The stray tom cat had broken
into the trash can again during the night and had woken me up. After
that I had tossed and turned in bed thinking about my conversation with
Christine. I had finally gotten back to sleep, but it wasn't the kind of
restful sleep that you ordinarily get.

I decided that my main agenda for the day was to mop the blood up from
the office floor and then to take care of the damn cat problem, one way
or another. I put on a pair of old pants and my Army G.I. sweatshirt and
put my baseball cap on and headed for the office. It was a gruesome task
mopping the blood up. I wished that it could have played out differently.
I never did like Skippy, it was true. The guy had shot me and nearly killed
me way back then. But I felt terrible anyway. The fact that I had no choice
didn't make it any easier. After taking care of the office I drove to a
local hardware store.

"I need a short ladder" I told the clerk. "Maybe about three feet high
or so. You got one of those around?"

"Wood or metal?" the guy asked.

"Well, it probably doesn't make any difference. But wood would be
nice."

He took me to a small collection of ladders of various sizes and
pointed out a short one. It was the right height and was painted a dark
blue.

"I'll take it" I told him.

I went home and took the little ladder into the back yard. I tossed
the trashcan lid off to the side and put the ladder up close to the can.
It was my hope that the ladder would make it easy for the old grey cat
that had been coming around to get into the can, and maybe easy to get
out of as well. That way he wouldn't have to break into the thing and
make all that noise or knock it over.

"And if this doesn't work, Mr. Tom, I might just very well shoot your
ass after all."

After taking care of the trash can I spent a little time on the yard.
I got my scythe and went around the yard, swinging it at the tall tuffs
of grass that managed to grow up around the rocks and the dirt. It wasn't
much of a yard, I suppose. But it was relaxing swinging the scythe.
After the yard work I made a mid-afternoon breakfast.

I was just making myself my first drink of the day when Carmen walked
in. I had given her the spare key to the place in case of an emergency
or in case she wanted to come over and lay out on the patio. She had her
blue bathing suit on again, and her bug-eye sunglasses.

"Did you get your surf board, Carmen?"

"They didn't have one my size. They're going to have to special order
it. I guess I'm just too darn big, Mr. Maginess."

"You're beautiful, Carmen. Every inch of that six feet. And don't you
ever forget it. Now, why don't you grab some orange juice from the
refrigerator and we'll go out on the patio."

Her spirits seemed to bounce back a little.

"Okay, Mr. Maginess."

We sat out on the patio and sipped our drinks, neither of us saying
much. Carmen flipped through a magazine and I looked out over the canyon
and let my thoughts just drift.

Christine had been right, of course. In a way I was living in a fairy
tale. A world that was just me and Brooke, the tiny witch and her
faithful dog who followed her around all day and licked her pretty
little heel in the middle of a dark enchanted forest. But more and more
I had been feeling that the dark cloud that Christine sensed had nothing
to do with Brooke, but more with the so-called real world around me. It was
a world with yet another raging war. It was a world in which my temples grew
whiter and my heart a little weaker with every passing month. It was a world
in which only twenty-four hours earlier I was forced to kill a man simply
because he was too stupid to leave well-enough alone. Next to all of that,
the fairy-tale world was looking pretty damn good to me.

In the fairy tale world, nothing ever changed. Tomorrow would come.
And it would be exactly like today. It would just be another today, all
over again.

The Snarl of the Beast by Carroll John Daly (Review)

, , , ...

Carroll John Daly's The Snarl of the Beast was first published in
serialized form in Jun-Jul-Aug-Sept of 1927 in the classic Black Mask
detective magazine. For an analysis of how the novel was broken down for
serialization, as well as an excellent discussion of the novel in
general, see Michael Grost's site here. In fact, Grost's exegesis of the book
is so good that I can only consider this review to be supplemental to
his at best.

Daly is generally considered to be the father of the hard-boiled
detective genre, although my own view is that he is maybe more like the
crazy grandfather by this point. He's kind of like the grandfather you
used to listen to when you were a kid with a mixture of awe and a little
bit of fear. Nevertheless Daly is one of the great ones, and if one's
fingers don't tremble a little writing about him then you probably
aren't getting quite what this guy did for the world of fiction.

That being said, I'm going to do a review of his novel anyway. Hey, I can
play it tough when I have to.

One of the amazing things about Daly's work and his creation of the
hard-boiled style is that Daly himself was a agoraphobe who hardly ever
ventured out of his own house. Bad things happen if you go out of your
house. It's a really rough world out there, and you'd have to be crazy
not to expect bad things to happen on every block you walk down. I
think it is clear, then, and also wonderful, and a kind of miracle, that
Daly's unfortunate paranoia was transformed into the dark prose of
the hard-boiled style -- arguably the most dominant literary style in
America in the twentieth century.

Daly's prose style is gritty and real. You can almost feel the pavement
under Race's feet and smell the trash in the cans in the back of the
buildings. Snarl of the Beast has an ominous feel to it throughout the
length of the narrative. You kind of expect bad things to happen given
this type of world, and in fact they do happen. You never know who your
friends are or even if you have any. But one thing is for sure, you can
pretty much count on having enemies.

There is a passage from the beginning of the novel that is so
significant in terms of the future of this type of fiction that it needs
to be quoted in its entirety:

"The police don't like me. The crooks don't like me. I'm just a halfway
house between the law and crime; sort of working both ends against the
middle. Right and wrong are not written in the statutes for me, nor do I
find my code of morals in the essays of long-winded professors. My
ethics are my own. I'm not saying they're good and I'm not admitting
they're bad, and what's more I'm not interested in the opinions of
others on that subject. When the time comes for some quick-drawing
gunman to jump me over the hurdles I'll ride to the Pearly Gates on my
own ticket. It won't be a pass written on the back of another man's
thoughts."

This type of hard-boiled ethical ground was to continue down through the
form. And you frequently find examples of it today in novels, movies,
and television crime dramas. This certainly is not the place for a
in-depth discussion of the hard-boiled form. That would take something
like a Ph.D. dissertation on the matter, and even then there would
probably be disagreements. But there is no doubt that the idea of the
detective with their own moral code -- one that is not necessarily
according to the law but which they are faithful to anyway -- continues
in various permutations down to the present era.



It goes almost goes without saying that the novel follows the serial-
style of plotting, inasmuch as Daly was one of those who created that
kind of plotting in the first place. The point being that this is not
your normal Agatha Christie, "Golden Age" detective tale with it's
"fair-play" style plot. This is ocean's away from that kind of thing,
both literally and structurally.

In fact, my only disagreement with Grost with regard to this book
concerns the plot. Grost calls the plot "thin." If by thin you mean
almost non-existent in the Golden-Age sense, yeah, that's true. But for
me that is a positive thing. Grost remarks that the novel has a dream-
like quality to it. And in this case, you have about as much of a chance
of figuring out what is going to happen next or of how it is all going
to come out as you would some cold-sweat dream on a December night.
What that means is that the novel always keeps you on your toes guessing.
And I like that. That's a "plot" that I can turn the page wanting to see
more of.

Race is a man of action. He's not one of those thinking types. And in
fact Race spends a good deal of time here and there thinking about how
he's not one of those thinking types. But never fear. Just around the
next corner or at the edge of the next alley there will be plenty for
Race to do, to take a swing at somebody or pull his gun or have somebody
take a swing or pull their gun at him. The action is paramount.

Given this emphasis on action, I find it interesting then that Daly, one
of the creators of the hard-boiled style, should have chosen to put his
Race Williams narratives into the first-person -- the most self-
reflective of literary modes. For an action-styled hero, third person
would have been at least as good or perhaps even preferable. One is left
wondering about this type of legacy, then, given the roots put down by
Daly and others like Hammett. My own analysis is that this early choice
of the first-person was almost destined to give way to another type of
private-eye hero, one who was not so much action centered as self-
reflective. In other words, destined to flow into the style that
Chandler developed and into private-eyes such as Phillip Marlowe.

It has often been commented that the true successors to Daly were
writers like Mickey Spillane, and for good reason. Spillane's Mike
Hammer is a true rough-and-tumble private eye in the Daly/Race Williams
tradition, a guy that's not shy about sucker-punching some slob who is
tailing him or who feels any guilt about sticking somebody's fingers in
a drawer to get a little information out of them. And in fact Spillane
acknowledged Daly as one of his main influences.

But one's detective does not necessarily have to be of the tough sort to
draw on the tradition set by Daly. In fact, any time any private-eye or
cop out there walks down the dark and dirty street of a novel -- "down
these mean streets a man must go" -- he is in the tradition of Carroll
John Daly.

Crazy grandfather or not, Daly is still with us. And we're still listening to him.

P.M.P.I. RATING (OUT OF 5)


"It's a Dog's Life" (a P.M.P.I. Short Story)

, , ,

I submitted this to Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, but
they didn't want it. So I'm putting it here, which means that all
of you get to read it absolutely free.

Private-eye Pat Maginess helps a dog to find his way back home,
and earns himself a pretty good bottle of whiskey in the process in
"It's a Dog's Life."




"It's a Dog's Life"
a Pat Maginess private-eye story

by

Edward Piercy



Los Angeles, 1952



There was just enough of a breeze coming off the ocean that Monday to
blow the exhaust fumes off of Wilshire Boulevard, which combined with a
nice grinning sun up in the sky made my walk back to the office after
lunch a rather pleasant one.

"Any calls while I was out, Carmen?"

Carmen reached over the old military surplus desk, all six-foot-tall
plus two-inch-heels of her, and handed me a message slip.

"This guy called, Mr. Maginess. Don Johnson. Something about a dog."

"Did you tell him this wasn't the SPCA?"

Carmen didn't laugh. She was proving to be a damned good secretary but
at twenty she was a little young yet to appreciate irony.

"No, I didn't mention anything about that. I just told him you were
available to take on a case. He said he wanted you to get his dog back.
That's pretty much it. He wants to see you right away."

"Of course he does. They all want to see me right away. I'm just a
really popular guy. Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to give him a call."

Two hours later I pulled up in front of Johnson's classy-looking
little house in Inglewood and rang the bell. A blonde-haired guy in his
early thirties answered the door. His hair was a mess and it looked like
he hadn't shaved in four days. It was three o'clock in the afternoon and
he was wearing a bathrobe, a pair of black dress socks, and his
skivvies.

"Pat Maginess. Private Investigations. I take it you're Mr. Johnson?"

Johnson let me in and pulled me by the cuff of my jacket into a
nicely-decorated living room. There were four or five empty booze
bottles rolling around on the floor and it looked like the ashtrays
hadn't been emptied in a month.

"Would you like a drink, Mr. Maginess?"

"Sure. Just to be sociable."

Johnson poured me a straight rye and another for himself. His hand was
shaking as he handed it to me, a fact that was obvious even to himself.

"I apologize. I'm just not feeling like myself lately, ever since
Bugsy went away."

"Bugsy?"

"My dog. He's a miniature dachshund. My wife stole him. Or should I
say my future ex-wife. She left me a few weeks ago and took Bugsy with
her."

I took a swig of the rye. It was the good stuff, not my normal cheap
brand.

"Mr. Johnson, much as I'd enjoy staying here and drinking some of your
excellent whiskey for a bit, I have to tell you that I don't get
involved in settlement matters. You need a good lawyer, not a private
detective."

"I'll pay you a thousand dollars if you can get Bugsy back for me."

"On the other hand, I do make exceptions. Hell, I was thinking
about getting a a dog myself. Why don't you tell me all about it."

I pulled out my notebook and made some notes as Johnson told me the
story. I wasn't sure whether it was a sad story or a funny one, and once
again I was left wondering what there was about divorces that made
people go temporarily insane.

"So your wife, she rented this house up in Hollywood?"

"Yeah. She's a real-estate agent" Johnson said, pouring us another
drink. I lit a Pall Mall and took the refill.

"And what do you do, Mr. Johnson? If you don't mind me asking."

"I'm a screenwriter. I work at home mostly."

From the look of it Johnson hadn't been doing too much work lately, at
home or otherwise.

"Okay. So your wife, she would be out of the house most of the day?"

"Yes. Probably."

"Have you tried just talking to her, Mr. Johnson?"

"Of course. I kept calling her, but after a while she just stopped
answering the phone. Then I drove over and she wouldn't answer the door
and eventually called the police on me. I could hear Bugsy barking
inside the house. I think he knew I was there. Dachshunds have excellent
hearing. So then I tried to go over and rescue him when I thought she
was at work, but I couldn't get in. The house is one of those cottage-
style places with wrought-iron bars over the windows. I'm at my wits'
end, Mr. Maginess. And my lawyer tells me the divorce could take up to a
year. I want my Bugsy back."

"I hate to say this, Mr. Johnson, but doesn't your wife have as much
right to Bugsy as you do? I mean, he's her dog, too. Right?"

"She doesn't love Bugsy. She never did. She used to gripe about him
all the time, about how he'd have his little accidents on the rug or
about how he'd bark at the postman. She took him just to spite me, Mr.
Maginess. Just to spite me. I offered her the house, the boat,
everything. Just give me Bugsy, I told her. She just laughed in my
face."

"Hmmm" I said, scribbling in my notebook. Yeah, pretty much insane.

********


I drove up to Hollywood and checked out Johnson's wife's new place. As
Johnson had said it was a small cottage-type home. There was a whole
five feet between it and the next house to either side and it had a
front yard big enough to plant about three radishes in. The back yard
was slightly bigger, but not by much, and faced out onto an alley that
ran the length of the block. Though small the house was probably worth
some good money because of the location, just the type of investment
property that real estate people are always looking for.

The second I rang the bell a dog started barking inside. He barked
for about two straight minutes, during which time it became evident that
if Mrs. Johnson was at home she was either in the bath or just not
answering the door. I rang again, this time pounding on the door as
well. Once again the dog inside started up and continued on for another
couple of minutes. It occurred to me that Bugsy had an awfully loud bark
for a small dog, and that no matter what Johnson had said his dog had a
real tendency to bark at things.

I hadn't really expected that Mrs. Johnson would be home at such an
early hour. I had my lock-pick kit with me and could have been in the
house in about thirty seconds. But that was no way to get Bugsy back.
Mrs. Johnson would suspect her husband immediately, which would start
the equivalent of a small-scale grange war between the couple. I had a
different plan in mind, one that would get Johnson his dog back and not
lose me my P.I. license for breaking and entering. It would take a few
days but at the end of it was a thousand bucks. And maybe a bottle of
really good whiskey to celebrate with.

Driving over to the Alley Cat lounge, my favorite watering hole, I
grabbed a good dinner and a few drinks. Then I got my stake-out gear
from the office and headed back out to Hollywood. It was about ten
o'clock when I arrived at Mrs. Johnson's house. I took a short walk in
the neighborhood, picking up pea-sized pebbles and slipping them into my
jacket pocket. Then I moved my car so that it was parked about ten feet
from the side of the Johnson cottage and settled in for the night.

About midnight the lights went off in the house. I waited a while to
give Mrs. Johnson time to climb into bed. Then I got out of the car and
threw one of the pebbles I had collected over the top of the Plymouth at
the nearest window. The first pebble missed its mark and hit the side of
the house, but the second hit one of the iron bars over the window and
rattled down and hit the glass. From a distance of twelve feet I could
barely hear the slight clinking sound the pebble made as it hit the
window. But I knew that a dog would hear what would be virtually
inaudible to Mrs. Johnson or myself. Seconds after throwing the pebble
Bugsy began barking and kept it up for several minutes.

"Good doggie" I whispered.

Climbing back into the car I smoked a few Pall Malls and sipped cheap
rye, remembering how good the stuff at Johnson's had tasted. I got out
of the Plymouth twenty minutes later and tossed another pebble. Bugsy
barked, as he did with every pebble that I threw at the window between
midnight and dawn. At that point it was light enough out that Mrs.
Johnson or some neighbor might see me, so I got a small pillow from my
stake-out pack and propped myself up against the door and took a little
snooze.

Just after seven-thirty Mrs. Johnson came out of the house. She was
wearing a nicely tailored grey business suit and black heels, but her
eyes had dark circles under them and she didn't look to be in a very
good mood. She climbed into her car and drove off as if she were being
chased by demons.

I parked outside the house again the next night, throwing pebbles at
the window every twenty or thirty minutes. Mrs. Johnson came out of the
house the next morning looking even worse than the day before. Her hair
looked like it had been pinned up on her head by a four-year-old, the
buttons on her blouse didn't line up, and she had the look of a zombie
about her.

Following the third night of all-night pebble-throwing Mrs. Johnson
had Bugsy under her arm when she came out. I tailed her, hoping that she
was finally sick of the barking and was taking the dog back to Johnson.
As it was she drove straight to the local dog pound. She took Bugsy
inside and when she came out ten minutes later she didn't have him with
her. Evidently Mrs. Johnson would rather see Bugsy go off with a
complete stranger than back to her husband.

"Crazy people" I said as I got out of the car.

"Excuse me" I said to the kid behind the counter at the pound. "My
name is Patrick Maginess. I'm the assistant director on a movie that
we're doing up in Hollywood. We need a dog for the movie. A small dog.
Maybe one that's reddish in color. Short. Long. That type of thing. You
wouldn't have a dog like that, would you?"

"Gee, that's odd" the kid said. "Because you know, a woman just brought
a dog like that in. One of those wiener dogs."

"Wiener dog? That sounds great. Wrap him up."

"Mister, the problem is that he hasn't been processed yet. He needs to
be vaccinated and have his license made out. It usually takes three days
or so before they can be adopted."

I pulled out a twenty from my wallet and held it up in front of him.

"We're kind of on a tight shooting schedule. Think you can hurry
things along any?"

Just short of an hour later I had Bugsy at Johnson's door. Johnson
cried and kissed the dog and Bugsy was so excited he kept twisting up
like a pretzel as he licked Johnson's face.

"He might be a little hoarse" I told Johnson. "He's been barking a lot
lately."

"Really?" Johnson said, rubbing Bugsy's ears and kissing him. "I
wonder why that is?"

I shrugged. "Must be Hollywood" I said. "I don't think he liked the
neighborhood. And by the way, don't let your wife know that you've got
Bugsy back, okay? As far as she's concerned Bugsy's gone off to live
with a nice old man who lives in the country."

Johnson gave me a check for the thousand bucks, which I decided to
take to the bank and cash immediately just to be on the safe side. Then
I stopped at a liquor store and headed back to the office.

Carmen was over by the couch working out with a small set of barbells
as I walked in. It was always strange seeing her with the barbells
dressed in a blouse and skirt and wearing her shoulder holster with the
.38 tucked into it.

"Well, I've got some good news, Carmen" I said, walking over to the
couch.

"What's that, Mr. Maginess?"

"Good news is I bought a bottle of the good stuff." I took a quart
bottle of McManus Canadian rye out of a sack and set it on the coffee
table.

"Courtesy of a twelve-pound dog named Bugsy. Sixteen bucks a bottle and
worth every nickel."

"That's great, Mr. Maginess" she said. Carmen was involved in the new
health and fitness thing and didn't even drink booze, but I always found
her to be enthusiastic about pretty much everything.

I went over to the little refrigerator and got some ice and made a
drink with the McMannus and took a long swig. It tasted so good going
down I almost wanted to howl.

"It's a dog's life, Carmen" I said. I took a long draw on a Pall Mall
and then another long sip of the rye.

"Howwwoooooooooo!"

Carmen looked at me oddly. The girl just didn't understand irony.


Poisons Unknown by Frank Kane (Review)

, , , ...




Frank Kane wrote 29 novels and numerous short stories during his career.
You can check out a biographical sketch here and find some info on his work
at Thrilling Detective here. Poisons Unknown (1953) is the seventh book in his
series featuring private detective Johnny Liddell.

I picked three of Kane's P.I. series in a book store a few months ago,
all used but in good shape. I also picked up Bare Trap (1952) and
Red Hot Ice (1955). I might review those two later. But for
now I thought I would just review Poisons Unknown. I had never
read Kane before, and maybe other people out there haven't either, so I
thought a review might be in order just to get an idea of what Kane's
writting is like. Thrilling Detective says that Kane's series is
"a solid series, nothing really exceptional, but it gets the job done,
sorta like Johnny."

Poisons Unknown takes place in New Orleans, with the exception of
a very brief passage in the front. P.I. Johnny Liddell has gone down to
the Crescent City to find a guy named Brother Alfred, the leader of a
cult-type church outside of New Orleans. Liddell has been hired by Marty
Kirk, a local gangster. Kirk says he wants Brother Alfred found because
Brother Alfred has been making a lot of problems for him in the press
and he is afraid that Alfred's disappearance will somehow be blamed on
him. Liddell doesn't quite believe his story or trust Kirk's motives,
but he takes the case anyway due to the fact that he will be working
with some local P.I. talent -- Gabby Benton, a female P.I. with whom
Liddell had a hot fling in years past.

The plot follows the traditional serial-plot formula. It's a decent plot
with a few good twists to it. Almost as soon as Liddell lands in New
Orleans he gets into trouble, and it progresses from there. I won't go
into the plot any more from here on as I wouldn't want to spoil the book
for anybody.

Kane breaks with tradition in his novels, putting his P.I. narrative in
third person. He has a habit of using Johnny Liddell's full name
throughout the book, long after the character has been introduced. It is
all too frequently "Johnny Liddell did this" or "Johnny Liddell did
that." He should have cut some of them out. He also has a propensity to
call a female character "the blonde" long after she has been introduced.
I chalk this down to a 50's era obsession with blondes. It tends not to
travel so well to 2006. But then, a lot of things probably don't travel
well to 2006.

There're also a lot of descriptions of smoking, or rather
with the act of sticking a cigarette in one's mouth. Kane uses small
variations on the sentence "Johnny Liddell picked up a smoke, stuck it
in the corner of his mouth, lit it" throughout the book -- almost like a
mantra. It's not that the descriptions of smoking are bad in themselves
-- only that the prose is unvaried describing them. There are also
too many similar descriptions of booze being poured into a glass. It's not
that I dislike these decriptions; I just think that some of them could have
been edited out or changed up a bit.

Kane's action sequences are smooth and fast -- that's one advantage of
writing third-person, it helps in situations like that. In fact, "smooth
and fast" seems to be the preferred descriptor on the back covers of this
type of novel in the early 1950s. If a novel was good it was "smooth and
fast." I leave it to the reader to make any anthropological inferences
they may wish as far as that goes.

Kane can come up with a nice description or two when he feels like it.
"He swirled the liquor around in his glass and and watched the reflections
of the lights in the place blink in its depths." Too bad there aren't more
sentences like that in the novel.

Johnny Liddell (in this novel at least) seems to have a propensity for
getting his gun taken away from him by various people. If my own
private-eye got his gun taken away from him as much as Johnny, I'd
seriously have to consider finding a new profession for the guy. Kane's
descriptions of fight sequences were perhaps substitutes in this one. In
fact if this book is any indicator Kane seems to like brawling over gun-
play. Which doesn't mean there aren't a few shoot-outs in the novel, of
course.

Post-Chandler detective fiction is tough. As a writer, you almost
naturally want to embrace and continue the tradition and style from
the past. On the other hand, you have to be careful to avoid falling
into pure stereotype or cliche, and ultimately you have to create a
style that is your own over somebody else's. It's a razor's edge and
it isn't easy and there aren't any hard and fast rules about it. Kane
in my opinion does a pretty good job. In fact I think the things that
are weakest about Poisons Unknown are more the questionable
influxes from 50s culture than literary influences from the past.

P.M.P.I. RATING (OUT OF 5)