Driving Miss Daisy
Monday, June 12, 2006 1:55:07 PM
Melissa had an interesting post about driving in South Africa. Should the lovely Honeybe find herself in Southern California some day, she would do well to heed this, the ultimate California Driving Test.
This is a new Exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in California, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special Application and driver's test solely for the California area.
2005 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION
Name: ___________________ Stage Name:___________________
Agent: ___________________ Attorney:____________________
Therapist's Name: ______________________________________
Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female*
[ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female
[ ] Both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _____________
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
[ ] Yes [ ] No
Please list brand of cell phone: ________
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
(Use extra pages, if necessary)
Please check hair color:Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue
[ ] Skinhead [ ] Other ___________
Please check activities you perform while driving (check all that apply):
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms/reloading
Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers
[ ] b) Be shot at
If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.
In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.
In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week:
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above*
* If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.
When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.
When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the window, it means:
[ ] a) Her turn signals are broken.
[ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes.
[ ] c) She is drying her nails.
Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn
Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.
The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
[ ] c) Revenge
If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this test, you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or move.