Opera Mobile

Here's my Christmas speech to the ladies from last year's Opera Christmas Party. It was given to an audience of (drunk) Opera people, so it may at times be, as they say, "politically incorrect". Anyhoo, this is my (dysfunctional) way to say thanks for a great year, take care of each other, enjoy the holidays, and let's make 2006 a fantastic year for all!

Warm regards,
Eskil


Some women are like Internet Explorer

Some women are like Internet Explorer: bloated, unstable, and open to exploitation by anyone who wants to have a go. Those of us who don’t know better stick with our IE woman through thick and thin. We may do this because of several reasons:

1.We like’em big, slow and moody
2.She has sucked us in and made us dependent on her friends and family
3.We are naïve and unaware of everything she is doing behind our backs
4.We just don’t care

But most of us do. That’s why Firefox is gaining popularity. Now, let me say a few words about the women who are like Firefox: They’re slim, good looking, quite stable, and have smaller security erm.. gaps. But most of all they’re simple. Firefox women are the kind you can show to your friends and take out to a bar, but never ask to mow the lawn. That is, unless she has a (hair) extension for it. It is easy to mistake beauty for quality. Beauty, as they say, is often only skin deep.

There are several benefits to dating these women, but the biggest is perhaps that we don’t have to go through the pain of getting to know her intimately. What you see is what you get. These are WYSIWYG women.

It’s easy to fall in love with Firefox women because of their relative beauty and simplicity. Because, stereotypically, men are supposed to be simple. We want a browser/woman that looks good and doesn’t demand much attention or maintenance. Although nobody can deny that the world is full of such men, I think it is fair to say that most of us are more complex and want to have meaningful relationships.

We are either gay, or we chose Opera women.

Not because Opera women promise (and indeed give) you the best experience on any platform, but because they complete us. Opera women reshape the way we see and move about in the world. They let us discover new sides every day, and make our lives more joyful.

But of course, in all their greatness, Opera women are indeed women, and as such their Opera features can be, but are not always, beneficial to us men:

Take sessions. If you have a fight and you disagree so much that she simply shuts down, you have the option of picking up where you left off (bad) – OR you can start with a blank page (very good!). Imagine the luxury! But be careful, you can be sure that she has saved that session, and make one wrong step and she’ll bring it right back and smack you in the face with it. And there is nothing you can do to cover up. Because she remembers…

Of course, any comparison between the Opera browser and women would not be complete without mentioning the sophisticated chat feature. The chat feature is closely linked to the newsfeeds function which enables them to instantly receive the latest rumors and spread them with the most powerful communications tool available.

Then there’s Mouse Gestures… I wanted to make jokes about the incredible things they can do with their mouse, but they only make sense in Norwegian… and Portuguese, I was told.

It is perhaps a stretch to say that you Opera women, who we hold so dearly, share all the qualities of the Opera browser. There is particularly one feature I think most lack – namely what we on the feature list call "cookie control", and means you are able to reject all cookies if so desired. I have never heard of a woman with cookie control.

Lastly, one Opera browser feature that really struck me as universal in that I think it is highly developed in all women: If we stick with the analogy that women are like browsers, there is one trait we in Opera call Browser Spoofing. This is the cunning ability to masquerade as another browser to get what you want…

When all is said and done, millions of us have discovered how wonderful Opera women are. But our hearts and sympathy go out to our brothers who have yet to do so. I think it boils down to maturity and sophistication. Men are slow learners and some would argue that we remain simple and immature for the greater part of our lives. That's why we mess around with Firefox women. That's why divorce statistics are so high. When we find our Opera woman we stick with her through thick and thin. Beauty can be so many things, and we may all define it differently. What matters is that you trust each other fully, communicate well, and keep each other happy.

Now, if all the men here would stand up, raise your glasses, and if you are one of the 33 guys here lucky enough to be sitting next to an Opera woman, look her in the eyes and join me in the toast for the ladies.

And remember: You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.