LIFE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FOOD CHAIN

I give some credit for the fact that I'm still here. To those who practice religion. Because there was a time in my life when I reached what they call rock bottom. On that particular day. I was contemplating suicide. I was dead broke living in the streets or sometimes in homeless shelters. I had spent 10 years avoiding life by stating intoxicated on various drugs. I was completely separated from former friends and family this was my choice of course, due to my embarrassment of what I had become.

Religion has been a controversial subject for centuries. It has long been one of the top three conversations that people tend to avoid or simply consider taboo in polite social gatherings. I think the other top two are politics and race relations.

There are so many different denominations and definitions people believe in as a source for their higher power. They are almost innumerable. Each person believing that their higher power, or God is more powerful than anyone else's. There is no wonder there are so many problems in the eastern countries. There are far too many people out there willing to persecute and even kill anyone who does not believe the way they do.

I live in the United States, where supposedly we have the freedom of choice of religion and religious practices. Where free speech is a privilege to the point where someone decides to not like what you're saying and silence you.

When I read the newspaper and watch television news. I see all the disrespect, hatred. People have for one another when they choose a certain way to believe. Not only surrounding issues of who has the most powerful God. I see the people who look down on others because they have large bank accounts, belong to a certain religious group, or simply live in a fantasy world, they have created for themselves. Like a bubble that protects them from the rest of the world. I see the people who supposedly use their Christian mores and go to foreign countries to adopt the starving children to make themselves look like great humanitarians in the name of their God. Those same people who have more money in their bank account than five generations of their future family could ever spend have no regard for the people who are starving to death right under their feet in their own country.

I see the people who kill one another over love, money, property or power. I see the people who hate other people because of the color of their skin or their sexual practices or just for being alive. With all this chaos going on. I cannot help but wonder, is there really a God? A powerful being capable of controlling the universe, who supposedly loves us, yet allows all this tragedy to be going on under his or her supervision.

It is said that people who have achieved higher levels of education have a much greater difficulty of believing in spiritual things. I myself have read the Bible several times. There are many things in there that are a good basis to adapt as a moral code to live by. But as for many of the miracles, the immaculate conception, and the returning from the dead to save us all. I'm not buying any of that. Certainly, this God can see this world is on a path of self-destruction and has done nothing to intervene in over 2000 years.

In my personal experiences with Christianity. I have seen both good and bad sides of this concept. I have seen the true believers and the fakers who were just going through the motions. At a time when I was living on the bad side of life, I had reached the point where I was contemplating suicide. I was moments away from completing my decision to jump off the Broadway Street Bridge down into the train yard when a Christian lady who happened to be the pastor of a new upstart Christian Church. Drove up in a van with her daughter and called to me to come with her.

She was relatively new to America from South Korea. She spoke with a broken accent that I could barely understand. She had to call me three times before I understood. She wanted me to come to her church. I was so involved in my plan of self-destruction. I was ignoring her. Apparently her spirit or God or what ever compelled her to be persistent. So she and her daughter got out of the van came over and begged me to reconsider what ever I was planning. I was homeless, stinking and dressed in rags, and this woman convinced me to come with her to her home.

These two women cleaned me up, gave me clean clothes to wear and asked me to become caretaker of their new upstart church. So I moved into the basement of the Church and got a close-up view of this version of Christianity. In retrospect I realize now, they had a different course of motivation for me in their project. At first they were performing many good works, feeding the homeless, distributing used clothing, and going to the streets for street evangelism. I had the opportunity to witness the inner circle of this church as I was not only the caretaker, but also became the pastor's chauffeur and was privy to many of the inner workings of a church that common parishioners never see.

They continued with their good works for a while until they became associated with one of the largest churches in the area. I always wondered how they paid the mortgage and kept the lights on with the dismal contributions that they received from homeless people. Then slowly I realized that several of the Elders of this church were undercover millionaire's and very quickly the church grew. They bought a huge complex, far out in a rural area, separate from the rest of the world and all of a sudden street evangelism stopped, feeding the homeless stopped. The church began catering primarily to people of means and large incomes. The main focus was on people who were elderly, and about to die so they could convince them to leave all their worldly goods to the church. The pastor became richer and richer and bought a million-dollar mansion in the suburbs.

All of a sudden I was just someone they could use as an example of someone who was saved from the streets and returned to the fold of God. At one time, I overheard some conversation between the pastor and her husband. They were laughing about the great success and wonderful lifestyle they had created for themselves. Using the word of God. What a great scam. I finally woke up and realized I was just a pawn in their great plan. I decided that if this great God allows you to use his name to gain great riches and fails to intervene. I want no part of your God, or your church.

There were a couple of other incidences that damaged my faith in God and in women, primarily because of the incident that occurred with the pastors good friend who I became romantically involved with who failed to tell me that he was married, but I'll leave that conversation for another article.

By the way even though I had all the bad experiences with this particular Church that saved me from my own demise. I do still believe there is a God. Even though I'm down on organized religion. I still feel God's spirit in me. Even though I know you can get 10,000 people to read the Bible and get 10,000 different interpretations it is still a great guide for life. I no longer subscribe to any particular denomination. I just consider myself spiritual. I try to do my part by giving testimony of all the bad choices I've made to the young people of today in the hopes of getting at least a few not to go down the path I was once on.

I like so many other people on the planet have no clue of what my purpose is. The only thing I know for certain. I have no desire to be the person I once was. I will spend the rest of my time talking to anyone who will listen about the poor choices I've made in attempt to help them stay off the evil path that I had traveled.

I remember the spirit that took over my life at the peak of my addiction to cocaine. I called it my dark Angel. In my mind, I considered this Angel to be female. Maybe that was just because I'm a man. But the voice I heard was definitely female.

I remember how at first, the whole thing was just an experiment that I felt I had total control of. However, very quickly, my dark Angel took over every aspect of my life. My every waking moment and every thought involve what I was going to do next to feed my dark Angel.

Very quickly, she threw away all my morals and began to change my entire personality. I begin to do things I never would have dreamed of doing such as lie, cheat, and steal.

In my normal mind. I would never have dreamed of doing anything that was against the laws of God or man. I had become completely under her control.

At first I was just a working addict, but still in control of everyday life. I was able to pay my bills, and appear like a normal member of society.

My dark Angel was having no part of that. She wanted every dollar I had to go for the purchase of more cocaine. She said: what do you need those cars for? why do you need all these stereos, televisions and computers. Why do you have two cars and a tractor-trailer. Why do you live in this nice house. You are wasting your money on all these nice things when you could be spending it on more cocaine.

Very quickly, my dark Angel had me to cash in all my material possessions. For more cocaine. When all that was gone. She turned me into a complete psychotic social path. Willing to do anything for another hit.

I quickly learned that you could manipulate people even more addicted than I was. So when I wasn't hustling women, who were willing to prostitute themselves to get high or driving shoplifters to the mall, I would burglarize small businesses. I got so good at it I begin to think I was invincible.

Now when I think back on it all. I remember telling the detective that finally caught up to me after 10 years that he wasn't just arresting me. He was rescuing me from my dark Angel.

I know had it gone on any longer she would have graduated me to a much higher level of evil. I had already started robbing drug dealers at gun point. It would have been just a matter of time before I had killed someone.

I have now been clean and sober for over 20 years. I know, just one hit, would put me right back where I was with my dark Angel running everything.

The thing I regret the most about having been addicted to cocaine, is all the different lives. I've helped to destroy, including my own. I know my dark Angel is still there. All I need to do is look back at the path of destruction I created to keep my dark Angel in check. I never want to be that person again, allowing something outside myself to be in control of my spirit.