..out of the dark

I am actually reiterating a conversation now that I had a.. long time ago, when I was twelve, with another Christian (I didn't have any doubts about my beliefs back then). And I felt, as everyone else does once in a while, a real sense of loss. And I couldn't appreciate that feeling god had seen fit to give me, for something I did not, and could not, prevent. But I was shocked, I didn't smile with joy, and I certainly did not think this was how things should be. It was unfair.

I even scored a goal in that match, and we still lost. And now I was wrecked with guilt. Didn't I train enough? Didn't the team train properly - were we too complacent and comfortable about us being best? What, I wondered, was god's idea about giving me this sort of emotional stupidity to destroy my self- esteem and style.

You need to appreciate that life is not fair, I was told. I thought that made sense. I was told things do not always happen the way we imagine them. That made sense as well. And I didn't appreciate it. Here I enjoyed running as fast as I could, and playing to the best of my ability - and nevertheless I could not feel good about it when we lost. But why? It was because I expected my sense of achievement would translate into something real, which in this case was a victory, and a sense of achievement. I could not find either one.

And I decided there and then that I should not care. Doubt, I reasoned, was not necessary. To worry about whether your own deliberative acts of conscience are adequate (..no, look, I really used words like that when I thought to myself back then), serves no purpose at all except to cause misery for oneself.

That way, I thought, any missteps along the way are also immaterial. After all, I know that if I screw up, this will only be a small test I shall surpass on the way. Because everything that happens - and so I'd been told - has a meaning. Even if my doubt and guilt is not given the same prominence and importance in the Bible. That was, in other words, not what made me successful, or what would make me do my best. It was instead what would give me grief, and what would paralyse me when I needed to act.


I started to have doubts about that sort of thing a bit later. And I realised that this was because it really is a false choice. I was not trying to be rid of paralysing doubt, I was trying to be rid of thinking about and evaluating my actions. And this evaluation does not happen when you act in the moment - at any given time, you act based on the knowledge you have at that time, even if it means doing nothing. And would not simply deciding no doubt should exist mean I would never learn anything? After all, it would mean I would never re- evaluate whether what I did could be done better or worse. Would I simply, and I recoiled at the thought, simply delegate any judgement on whether something was right to some higher authority? Always trusting that the first choice I made would be the right one?

No, I could not live with that. And I started treating doubt as a way to examine my thinking, my actions and motives. And so act more responsibly when I make choices.


***

I probably should explain why this comes up now. With many political theorists, it's often put up as a self- evident truth that politics is about leadership. To succeed politically, therefore, the leadership must be clear and full of motivating conviction, and not of paralysing doubt. Obviously, this makes strategic sense - to seek to motivate the voters who are easily engaged, and impress upon them that anything you say is true and sensible. And through that create loyal voters who will seek to view important political issues within the frame of reference you have created, which translates into support and political power. And obviously, this is not only useful in sheer spincraft. To lay out an issue in the correct rhetorical balance between self- evidence and utter pleonastic obviousness is something of a requirement if anything is to be done, on occasion.

Nevertheless - in doubting the constructions we create, and in struggling to break them and make them better, there is, including the very likely self- fulfilling prophecy, and the destructive apathy - a small possibility to achieve actual progress.

And I do not think there is anything more fulfilling than that. Regardless of the emotional baggage you need to deal with in the process.