Living and Loving

One thing that I didn’t mention yesterday was that the reason for my upset is that my bf and I had an argument, pretty much because he won’t listen. Yesterday wasn’t great. He didn’t want to be around me, I should have made myself scarce really… But I just wanted to be there with him for some dumb reason, in the hope that he would come round sooner or later. As we’ve been together over 4 years, I should really know that he was never gonna come round and by leaving him to it that it would have been better and might have solved things quicker.

I am scared he is going to go back to making little lies about where and who he is with again. Certain events are worrying me. I won’t say too much on the matter as I am probably being paranoid, but I really just can’t help it. It’s what happened before. His moods and the way he used to treat me is all coming back now and is a far cry from the promises he made when we got back together.

Like I have said, I am really happy on a whole with him, that’s not the problem. We have great times together, but I think I am in too deep again and I am finding it hard to cope with someone who won’t show me some kind of commitment after so long. If only there was a way to tell or show him that if he gave me a chance he would see such an amazing side of me. I am only moody and not myself because I can’t be myself so long as I have no base and don’t know where I stand long term with him.

It’s hard work not having a home to really call my own. Somewhere I go back to every night. Somewhere that’s relaxing and mine!!! I have been like this for a long time now and I am not sure I want to be like it for much longer. I am 25 nearly 26 - I should have my own place, my own independence.

I’ll give it another 6months to a year, see what happens. I love him so much :-(